Chapter 2: A Curious Feeling, Indeed
Ditzy’s inhaled sharply when she saw who had just walked –er barged– through the door; she nearly choked on a piece of muffin, her heart was racing. Oh why now, why can’t I ever enjoy a muffin in peace?
They sauntered in like they were the most popular ponies in the whole school, well, maybe because they were the most popular ponies in the entire school. Ditzy tried to shrink into her chair and look invisible, What I’d do to be a unicorn and make myself disappear. Ditzy was, unfortunately, a magnet for bullies and that's just what these ponies were; bullies. One of them, Diamond Dust, detached herself from a tall charcoal stallion and sashayed right over to where Ditzy was sitting and, placing her hooves on the edge of the desk, leaned her face into Ditzy’s. “What’cha eating there,” she crossed her eyes, “Derpy!” she cackled. Diamond Dust turned her head to see her whole clique laughing, all except one. The charcoal pegasus was grimacing, and looking away uncomfortably. Frowning she barked at him, “Oh come on, lighten up.” She turned back to the cowering pegasus before her, “You didn’t answer my question… FREAK! What are you eating?”
Ditzy bit her bottom lip, Where’s the teacher, why can’t she ever walk in on time whenever they’re up to no good? She could feel her eyes beginning to drift; they were making her anxious. Ditzy knew that if she didn't answer, Diamond Dust would get impatient and resort to more physical means of humiliating her. She swallowed and took a shaky breath, “Um, n-nothing.”
Diamond Dust smirked, “Nothing, huh? Well then… since it’s ‘nothing’, I guess you wouldn’t mind if I…” impossibly fast, Diamond Dust snatched Ditzy’s muffin right out of her hoof, “took this!”
“Hey!” Ditzy shouted, standing up.
Diamond Dust got just what she wanted; Ditzy’s face and, more importantly, her eyes were now exposed to the classroom. Ditzy realized her mistake to late.
“Give it back, please.” she begged.
“Hey, Aura Lee! Catch!” Diamond Dust threw Ditzy’s muffin through the air. A white mare with golden locks caught it and tossed it to a brown stallion with a blue mane shouting, “Heads up, Cerulean!” The charcoal pegasus mouth was set and his eyebrows were deeply furrowed as Cerulean jumped up and caught the crumbling pastry; just as Cerulean was about to pass it he shouted over his friends raucous laughing, “Come on guys, knock it off!” He moved to grab the muffin but Cerulean tossed it over his head; into the hooves of an orange mare with a violet, pink streaked mane.
“Lighten up Lane; gee, somepony’s in bad mood this morning” the orange mare trilled as she dangled the muffin just out of the stallions reach. He gave her an annoyed glare before trying to grab the very beaten up muffin, “Really, Dusk Fall? You wanna play this the hard way?”
“Hot potato!” she giggled and lofted the muffin past his extended forelegs to a very amused Diamond Dust.
Ditzy could only watch helplessly as they ravaged her muffin; tossing it from one to the other as the charcoal stallion tried to intercept it. She sniffled, “It’s not a potato…” she whispered. Ditzy knew better than to try and get it back, if she did she ran the risk of incurring Diamond Dust’s wrath. She should consider herself lucky though; to have gotten off so ‘lightly’. They had only insulted her twice and she still had the extra muffin Mr. Bran gave her. Ditzy was smart enough to know not to pull it out while Diamond’s group was still murdering her current one; she’d have to wait until lunch to find a place to hide and eat her spare muffin in peace.
“Geez dude, chill. I you want the muffin you’re gonna have to catch it.” Cerulean smirked as he aimed over his friend’s hooves, “Hey Aura, watch now!” He chucked the muffin towards her, unfortunately his throw was to low and the charcoal stallion was able to seize it midair. Turning he came snout to snout with a not very pleased Diamond Dust. “What’s your problem!? Can’t you have a bit of fun?” she shrieked.
The air thickened, and a hush swept over the classroom as the two pegasai glared at each other. Ditzy glanced up when she heard Diamond Dust screech. She was frightened by the silvery mare’s angry gaze but at the same time relief washed over her when she realized those burning magenta eyes were not aimed at her. Diamond Dust was mad; fortunately Ditzy was not on the receiving end this time.
“My problem!?” Thunderlane fumed, “You know, this is all some ponies have for breakfast sometimes! How would you like it if somepony got their grimy hooves all over it?!” Before Diamond Dust could answer, a voice was heard at the doorway, “Gooood Morning class.”
Reaction was immediate; the classroom turned into a whirlwind of feathers as pegasus rushed to their seats before the teacher could walk in. Diamond Dust and her group dispersed as they to, sped to their seats. Cerulean and a green stallion with a bright turquoise mane quickly sat on either side of Thunderlane in the third to last row. Not a second too soon, their teacher walked in, oblivious to the events that had unfolded seconds before she entered, and started calling attendance.
Thunderlane looked down at his hooves where the remnants of a muffin were. He wasn’t one to waste food but he had no other choice. Thunderlane sighed and dejectedly tossed the pastry into the garbage pail by the door.
Such a waste, he thought, such a waste of food. And for what? A stupid game! He let out a frustrated sigh, what a great way to start my morning.
-
Ditzy had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying as she saw her breakfast sail into the trash bin. Why do they have to be so mean! A small tear trickled down the length of her face and dripped onto her desk. She tried not to sniffle too loudly; she didn't want them to know they had succeeded and made her cry. She wiped her eyes and nose with a napkin from her parcel, and tried to look forward as the teacher called attendance.
“Diamond Dust.”
“Present.”
“Der– ahem, I mean um, Ditzy Doo” the teacher fumbled and a wave of snickers went through the room.
Ditzy was aghast, not even the teacher could remember her name. “H-here” she replied shakily. More giggles and faint whispers could be heard as the teacher continued down the list of names.
Ditzy slumped lower in seat, they were all looking at her, she could feel their eyes burning into her, judging her for something she couldn't help. Her stomach twisted, her heart felt like it was carrying a thousand pound weights, and her insides squirmed. Ditzy lowered her head and let her mane act as a shield to their burning gazes. It was getting harder to breathe, her throat was closing up, and her heart was pounding; threatening to burst out. She had a burning feeling in her midsection; it stung like acid on an open wound. Why can’t they look away! I can’t breathe; they’re all looking at me, they’re all looking at me. Sweet Celestia, please stop looking at me! Ditzy was hyperventilating, her eyes were wide; pupils dilated and staring forward. She wrapped her forelegs around her chest protectively and tried to relax her breathing. As the teacher began the day’s lesson and the amount of staring eyes lessened, she began to calm down. Relaxing her tensed shoulders and rigid wings she drew her eyes to the front of the classroom... and groaned.
Their teacher, Mrs. Bell, was starting their day with… calculus.
Everypony grumbled as they pulled out their incredibly heavy math textbooks, some ponies already looked like they were knocked out. Anypony that wasn't a math scholar was leaning their head heavily on one hoof with sleepy, dazed and/or confused expressions. Ditzy tried to concentrate but all those symbols; algorithms and logarithms, and whatever other -rithms.
Which was which, which did you use to graph? Were they even used to graph? Maybe that was statistics, but then… what was calculus for? Do I even use calculus outside of school? What’s the point of learning all of this!?
She groaned, nothing made sense, it was all a bunch of mumbo jumbo, and her eyes crossing things didn't help the matter. The morning dragged on and Ditzy was just about ready to give up, it was all giving her just one big headache, when the teacher suddenly snapped her book shut; effectively waking half off the class up.
"Now that we're done reviewing I'm sure you are all ready for today's exam."
Exam! What exam? You didn't mention anything about an exam this whole week!
Ditzy panicked, and so did the rest of the class. They were in hysterics; Diamond Dust was blubbering, unshed tears glistening in her eyes, a good half of the classroom was begging Mrs. Bell to move the exam, while the other half just silently accepted their fate. Mrs. Bell looked at her math geniuses, smiling smugly at each other, and as if on cue they burst out laughing. The entire class just stared, bewildered.
What where they laughing at?
It took Mrs. Bell a minute to compose herself, "Yes well, that certainly woke them up, don't you think?" she said looking at her mathematicians. They snickered in agreement; laughing at their classmates hysterics. The class settled down as they put two and two together and realized it was just theirs teachers idea of a joke. Ditzy breathed a sigh of relief as Mrs. Bell continued, "Well, now that I have your attention; the administration board has decided that the senior class needs to hold another fundraiser if they want to have prom at th-"
She was swiftly cut off by the groans and complaints of her students.
"That's not fair!"
"Didn't we raise enough last time?"
"They can't cancel prom, it's not right!"
"We're leaving soon, why do we have to keep hauling in bits for the school!"
Mrs. Bell raised a hoof to silence her class, once they all stopped she spoke, "Let me finish. As I was saying the administration board wants to ensure there's enough to let the other grades do something memorable as well. For the past two years the freshman and sophomore classes could not do anything because the seniors prom used up a good deal more than what they raised, thus cutting into the underclassmen's fundraiser bits." Her gaze panned through her students, "Now tell me, does that seem fair to you?" The class only grumbled, and Mrs. Bell offered a small smile, "Cheer up ponies; I actually think you're all going to enjoy this type of fundraiser." Several students sat a little straighter; intrigued.
"How is a fundraiser going to be fun?" Dusk Fall asked with a bored expression as she inspected her hoof, "The only way a fundraiser could be fun is it were like, a dance or something." Her smile broadening, Mrs. Bell gave a small chuckle, "Actually Dusk Fall, you hit the nail right on the head." Dusk Fall raised an eyebrow, "Ha ha ha, you're very funny Mrs. Bell, but how does the administration figure having another dance, pay for another dance?"
"Well you see, the school has worked out a compromise." Mrs. Bell explained, "Prom will free of charge for all the seniors, if they attend this new dance. See, the reason prom costs so much to attend is because the school wants to regain, or balance out, what was spent for the prom, and usually this money pays back the debt with some left over. However by then it's already too late to use for the underclassmen. SO, the school believes that if they collect those bits now with another dance there will be enough time to plan something for the underclassmen. That way, everypony is happy!"
"So basically: we get another dance, that's cheaper, don't have to pay for prom, and no catch?" Aura Lee asked.
"That's right, Aura. Now isn't that swell? It's a semi-formal dance, so girls you don't have to go as nicely dressed as you would to prom, and boys... well um, I guess there really isn't much you can tone down with a suit now is there?" The mares giggled, and the stallions just groaned. Nonetheless the classroom was abuzz; mares were discussing the best way to wear their manes and what the latest styles were, the stallions conversed amongst themselves mostly about which mare they were planning on taking and what would go down afterwards.
Ditzy chewed on her bottom lip and wrung her hooves; the whole dance idea did not sit well with her. She knew that she didn't have to go; it wouldn't affect her going to prom since she wasn't planning on attending that either. It was the thought of the endless torture she'd have to endure from Diamond Dust's little group, they would tease her nonstop about how no one would want to take an ugly filly, like herself to the dance. Ditzy wrapped her hooves around her chest and rocked herself back and forth, I'm not ugly, I'm n-not ugly. I'm b-beau-beauti-ful. Mr. Bran said not to listen to them. Oh but it's so hard sometimes. Her thoughts were interrupted when a gray hoof tapped her desk; looking up through her mane she saw a gray blur. Blinking she realized she was crying; she shied away from whoever it was that was looking at her. They probably just want to make fun of me some more, thought Ditzy, maybe if I ignore whoever it is they'll go away.
"Are you ok?"
Ditzy jumped, she hadn't expected to be spoken to so softly. She glanced up and saw concern etched in the face of the stallion who sat in front of her. He repeated the question, "Are you ok?" Ditzy saw guilt flash in his golden eyes.
"Uh, um, um..." she trembled, she wasn't used to being spoken to so kindly by another classmate, and she was rightfully suspicious, yet it wasn't just fear that froze her tongue.
The stallion opened his mouth, but before he could say anything Diamond Dust floated towards him and wrapped her forelegs around his neck.
"Thunderlane isn't this sOoo exciting?" the silvery mare crooned, the morning's events apparently forgotten or forgiven.
His smile seemed forced as he nuzzled her back, "Hey, yeah, totally."
Diamond Dust didn't notice his lack of enthusiasm, as she was too wrapped up in hers, "Oh my gosh, this is going to be aMazing! Me and Blossomforth were just talking, and oh my gosh, she has a great fashion sense. Did you know that? Well obviously not better than mine of course, but she has some great idea's. Do you have any idea on who you're planning on asking Thunderlane? Huh, do you? Have your eye on any specific mare?" she said these last few lines while nuzzling into the crook of his neck, cuddling deeper into his lap and batting her eyelashes delicately.
"Oh. Yeah... yeah... I have my eye on somepony..." he answered distractedly.
Diamond Dust pouted; upset that Thunderlane didn't seem to be taking the hint, "Well, I'm sure somepony would definitely loove to go with you. Why, if it were me I'd say yes in a heartbeat. A heartbeat Thunderlane, a heartbeat." She brushed her head under his chin and settled deeply into his lap; resting her head against his chest adoringly.
"That's cool." he deadpanned, annoyed with Diamond Dust's attempts to rope him into the dance with her, he was trying his best to get her to leave. It seemed to work; Diamond Dust was slowly scooting away. After what seemed like forever, she finally got off his lap and flew back to her friends, muttering angrily to herself the whole way.
Ditzy rolled her eyes as she watched Diamond Dust fly away, what a kiss-up, she couldn't believe how insistent Diamond Dust had been. Ditzy knew Diamond Dust was manipulative but she never thought that she could be so... so seductive. Hearing Thunderlane sigh heavily she cast her gaze up and watched as he rolled his eyes at Diamond Dust's retreating back. Ditzy felt her heart skip a beat when he caught her staring and his gaze locked onto hers. She quickly snapped her head away. Ditzy could feel her heart hammering in her chest as he leaned over his chair towards her desk. She shrank back; suddenly afraid. He looked like he was about to say something, but the bell cut him off. Ditzy peered through her blonde mane, and saw him frown before he turned and flew to his next class.
Ditzy sat up; confused. She raised her head so only a few strands of her mane remained in her face. She moved her hoof to push them off and stopped. She paused; her hoof gently touching her cheek. They were warm. But that's impossible... Unless she was embarrassed, her cheeks were never warm. I'm not embarrassed... So why were her cheeks warm, what was making her heart skip? Could it be... nah. Ditzy dismissed the thought with a brush of her wings as she made her way to her next class. But still..., Ditzy couldn't help but smile as a warm feeling danced across her cheeks.
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2640490
I thought it was pretty good. Something seems a tad off- not sure what it is...but anyhoe...
chapter 2
YAY!
Mushy?
I BELIEVE the term you are looking for is 'dawwww' moments.
......thunderlane and derpy?
'daww moments?
.......what say you pinkie pie?
my thoughts exactly.
2640556
Not sure how to describe it. Maybe a bit choppy/rushed?
I kinda hope you're planning to have a continuation of this fic when they're older.....
2640957
hmm, yeah maybe. It was hard transitioning the focus from Ditzy, to the class', to TL. gotta work on that. it's not done yet lol, but I know what you mean, and oh yeah definitely. I was planning doing something like that, but I'll have to see where this story takes me, and how far into the future I wanna go in this fic.
2672367
it makes me so happy that people enjoy my story, and yes derpy is awesome 
and aww thank you :) yeah I'm working on it but finals and boring stuff get in the way
oh I don't mind at all
WHERE IS CHAPTER THREE
I'm so angry that this story only has two chapters that I got careless and "accidentally" clicked the favorite button AND the like button
2765526
eep, I'm sorry, don't hurt me... me? haha XD oh yeaaah, I forgot about chapter 3 
. but thank you so much for the "encouragement" 
it reminded me that I really have to work on chap 3, its a WIP.
accidentally clicked the favorite and like button, huh? well, don't accidents turn out to be the best of things ^^ as seen in chapter 23- erf nope must not give spoilers. its kinda sad I have almost every other chapter written out except chap. 3; it's more or less a filler chapter and I suck at writing fillers becasue they get to long and redundant
I see that you have a love for Derpy haha :)
Blossomforth cannot have a good fashion sense.
She simply cannot.
2801191
why is that?
you can take it as you may, you can interpret it as Diamond Dust mocking Blossomforth's lack of fashion sense.
2801258 If she had any sort of fashion sense, she'd permadye her mane into something that isn't the worst possible color combination
2801344
but green and pink are watermelon colors. are watermelons not awesome? but hmm, yeah she really doesn't look good with that color combination, but hey maybe she's not allowed to dye her hair lol.
2801373 I actually hate watermelons
But one's an inner color and one's an outer, they aren't really guaranteed to work together on something that isn't immidiately eaten IMO.
The idea about her not being allowed is pretty funny. I can just imagine a story about Blossomforth and her stuck-up noblepony parents, one with pink hair and one with green (for added humor make the father have pink hair), who forbid her to dye her mane because they're really proud of and obsessed with family heritage or whatever. So she has to endure endless mocking for her color scheme. In the end she points out that her color scheme is actually quite similiar to Celestia herself and noone has the gull to mock her anymore, arriving to the show's situation where it's accepted.
2801395 oh *poker face* well I guess you have a point there. im going to sound stupid now, what does IMO mean?
but yes that is definitely an interesting idea, yes a dad with pink mane *mrf* pretty flipping hilarious if you ask me 
yes I love writing bullying scenes, even if they give me anxiety attacks 
they're fun to write. lol pulling the Celestia card is pretty good, and I'm pretty sure it would work. and yeah that would be a nice explanation why no one bothers her about her color scheme
indeed it is, hmm thats actually pretty funny, I should write that sometime. maybe after my huge Derpy project is done I'm up to 50 chapters in all technicality. chapter 23 and 50 are done cuz they're special scenes, but everything in between needs writing done
2801575 IMO is "in my opinion". Glad you liked my idea, heh
Feel free to steal it if you wish, I know I'll never write anything character-centered (heck, I'm not planning on ever writing anything, really) so if you feel inspired to do that then by all means. 
2801588 ah I see. yeah it's rather cute, I love origin stories as stated on my profile ^^ so any origin type ideas I like. oh no, I wouldn't dare steal your idea, I'd credit you, after all it was your idea not mine. oh and thank you for allowing me the use of your idea, I'll note you or send you a comment if it ever is written out and posted. probably take awhile though ^^
2801635 Okay, it would be cool as heck to read a story born out of my random idea
but I realize that you're preoccupied with your own and in any case in my experience it's usually hard to feel excited about bringing someone else's idea to life, at least before you really get it going, so I'll understand if you never get around to it. 
i have never looked at derpy this way its very interesting
3139839
Really, well thank you ^^ I'm glad you find it interesting. Hopefully chapter 3 lives up to your and others expectations
Congratulations. This is the first story that I've bothered to read on FIMfiction with my new account! Suffice to say, it was not disappointing.
On another note, I'm trying to build up a reputation as a reviewer in these parts. Would you mind if I sent you a private review (or public, your choice) so I can test my skills?
3277018 wow, glad to know you liked it
ah I see, well I'm a bit of a reviewer myself just not really an open one, if a story moves me enough (whether good or bad) I usually spend a while reviewing it. but yeah sure, anything to help improve another's skill. I would love it if you reviewed my story, but um if you don't mind I'd prefer it to be a private review... unless um idk whatever works best for you
yeah I'm not as proud of it as I was when I first posted it, it definitely is one of my weaker stories but fire away, I look forward to receiving your review
3823168
Perhaps....
I'm not a very creative individual when it comes to pony names.
I like your story, i can image how hard it have to be to write a good story, i try to get a good storyboard myself but i always not statisfied with the result. Well i am a bit self-aware and need someone later wich would look after the grammar for me because i speak (German) usually. It would be my first story ever.
Right now i have two or three storys and only one complete chapter for each of them. Well i am not tried to make advertising for myself, so i am just tell you that i really like the idea of youre story and that is enough for me.^^ I don´t really look for the grammar.
I love thee idea and i like to see that Ditzy is a bit well, let me say i like to see something that seems to fit Ditzy and how her life could be in a school becaus of her eye probems. I don´t want to search for the right words right now, but i think you get allready that i like it.
do you continue this? i don´t want to keep it in my favourites if you don´t continue this.
Does everyone know a similar story? I don´t want to stop watching this to fast, but i want to read another one if there is already one like this. With the Schoolfilly theme thing.
Greetings, author. I am here to bring thee a review of thy story, as thou hast requested. Before I begin, I wish to note that I shall not go out of my way to debase thee or thy fic. However, neither shall I blunt mine opinion, though it may seem harsh at times. The best thing an author can develop is thick skin, so as to weather criticism such as the type I shall level against thee in this very review.
And now, with no further ado, let us away to yon long description:
If I had to point out one to thee about thy description, author, ‘twould be that questions often belong not, particularly en masse. The description should tantalize the reader with information, not make it seem like thou knowest not how the story will unfold. Regardless, I feel as though I already know the answers to the questions thou hast put forth. Let us see if I am correct—onward to chapter one…
…which thou leadest off with a weather report.
I feel as though lately I have been harping over opening sentences in particular, but ‘twould do thee a disservice if I stopped now—opening sentences with a conjugation of “to be” as the main verb are boring. ‘Tis far more interesting to have something actually happen. Use an active verb; give the reader something to bite into. In many cases, this is thine only chance to keep a reader’s attention, and as such, thou shouldst put thy best hoof forward.
See what thou hast done here? Thou hast provided description without shoving it down the reader’s throat in one big block of text. I applaud thee for this.
So Ditzy realizeth that she hath some spare time before school and decideth to stop at her local bakery to purchase a muffin. However, when she goeth to pay, her eyes drift in opposite directions, disorienting her. I was not aware that “wandering eyes” was an actual affliction someone could have—in fact, ‘twas mine understanding that Ditzy had a lazy eye, a condition which seemeth odd to look upon, but which the affected individual becometh accustomed to. I shall allow thee the benefit of the doubt on this one, I suppose.
Ditzy payeth, and the shopkeeper giveth her the spiel about how she should not be ashamed of who she is. I know not what their actual relationship truly is, so I found the physical interaction between them slightly disturbing, seeing as how he is a grown stallion and she is a mare still in primary school. Again, though, I shall overlook this in the belief that they are close friends.
I will point out that the inspirational speech Mr. Bran giveth is overly ham-hoofed, and sometimes even misleading. For example:
Well… not really, Sir Bran. Admirable as Ditzy’s efforts may be, thou canst not put down other ponies without knowing about their accomplishments. What happeneth when Ditzy goeth to school with the belief that she is a better flier?
No—this is Pinkie’s special invention (ostensibly). If thou wishest to transplant it into thy story, thou needest provide some hint as to Mr. Bran’s connection to Pinkie Pie.
Anyway, Ditzy realizeth she will be late if she tarrieth any longer, so she departeth for school. Fortunately she arriveth on time in her classroom with time to spare for breakfast. Unfortunately, someone walketh in, and the chapter endeth. Author, thou needest provide a bit more description. To know that “something” hath entered the classroom telleth the reader naught. If Ditzy cannot see it, then ‘tis fine, but allude using other senses, such as hearing, or even smell. However, since Ditzy can see this ominous figure, give the reader a quick snapshot. Otherwise, all I know is that an amorphous gray blob hath appeared.
Chapter two beginneth with the reveal that the “something” was a gang of bullies, the leader of which proceedeth to torment poor Ditzy. Methinks that in thine efforts to garner pity for Ditzy, thou hast written the bullies too aggressively.
Clearly, if ‘tis how they act on a regular basis, an adult would have intervened at some point, but I would think it more likely that their true behavior would be more toned down. As all this goeth on, one member of their group exhibiteth his disapproval right from the get-go.
Ooo, I wonder if this is the love-interest thou mentionest in the description (note that here I wave my hooves in the air sarcastically). Wherefore is he part of this group if he cannot stand their harassment of Ditzy, which thou wouldst have us believe occurreth frequently? Would he not have split ties with them by now? So far, I cannot truly believe they would act this way.
The bullies steal Ditzy’s muffin and play hot-potato with it while the “charcoal pegasus” attempteth to pry it away from them. Ditzy herself is too scared of Diamond Dust, the leader’s, wrath, and thus simply remaineth on the sidelines. By the time Thunderlane (thine oh-so-subtly hinted-at love interest) retrieveth the muffin, ‘tis ruined, and he must throw it away. ‘Tis at this point that the teacher entereth and all the bullying ceaseth.
What a coincidence it is that the teacher did not enter a few moments earlier, or mayhaps hear some of what was happening on her way in. To be fair, she is not the most considerate of ponies on our green Equestria.
And nary an apology to be seen. The crap-heap upon poor Derpy’s head buildeth.
After a most trying calculus lesson, followed by a joke in poor-taste at the expense of those less skilled in math, the teacher declareth that the class must undertake a fund-raising project in order to prevent their prom’s cancellation. Apparently, those in charge have planned a semi-formal, less-expensive dance that the seniors must attend in order to attend prom for free, because bringing in less money while spending more is a strong tactic that hath always worked in the past.
The whole class is excited regardless, save for Ditzy, who is still nearly paralyzed with fear over Diamond Tia—Dust, I mean; forgive the slip—over Diamond Dust’s bullying. To be wholly fair, if she is subjected to such torments every day with nary a sign of relief in sight, her reaction is one of the most reasonable things thus far put forth in this story.
Thunderlane approacheth her to inquire about her health, but before they can hold any sort of meaningful conversation, Diamond Dust approacheth to snag her love interest—yes, Thunderlane is the would-be coltfriend of one of the cruelest ponies seen in Equestria. This maketh him at least partially complicit, as his infirm stance enableth her to continue her bullying. I know that they are not technically a couple, but he alloweth her to nuzzle him and whatnot. ‘Tis clear that they are a pair, at least to some extent, yet I am supposed to see him in a positive light because he defendeth Ditzy. The problem is this:
It maketh no sense!
If he is this nice-guy, defender of the weak as thou potrayest, then how did he fall in with this group in the first place? Either he would have gotten sick of Diamond Dust ages ago, or she would have left him after his repeated disapproval of her actions.
Not to mention how contrived this is—unpopular girl is picked on by popular girl, whose boyfriend shows sympathy to unpopular girl. By the end, the boyfriend and the unpopular girl end up together while the popular girl gets what she deserveth (often a bath in the punch bowl). I wonder, will this story end in the same way? Let us continue on and see.
Diamond Dust finally leaveth, to Thunderlane’s relief. After this, Ditzy museth about wherefore her cheeks are warm when she is not embarrassed, because apparently there can only be one reason for everything. Thus endeth the chapter, as well as what there is of the story.
To be honest, I have seen this type of thing so often before that I am almost certain as to the way the rest of the story will play out—unless thou plannest on subverting reader expectations, in which case I apologize for the assumption. However, I have seen no such allusions to such a scenario. The overall treatment of Ditzy is entirely too heavy, to the point where I cannot actually believe that such an environment could exist. Someone would have already intervened. Mayhaps thou hast heard the saying that “less is more”. Thou canst lessen the torments heaped upon her head without compromising her unhappiness (I feel dirty writing that).
I also feel that thou needest tweak either Thunderlane’s character or his circumstances. Mayhaps he is a popular pony as well, when some event occurreth that bringeth Ditzy’s torment to clarity and changeth his outlook. Alternately, a less-popular Thunderlane could keep a personality similar to the one he hath now.
Those, along with the items I mentioned in the review proper, are the biggest issues I had with the story, and the ones I suggest thou focusest on. There were also scattered grammatical errors and typos, the likes of which a decent proofreader could aid thee to hunt down and correct. Thine overall prose is fairly strong, which is why I chose to focus more on subjective issues, rather than objective ones.
If thou hast any questions, do not hesitate to ask. I wish thee luck with thy future writing endeavors.
PLEASE continue writing this is amazing!
Ok, that's it. I'm in love with this story. NEXT CHAPTER PLEASE!