- Member Since 22nd May, 2012
- offline last seen March 26th
CoffeeRings
A reader... I read.. I love to read I also am Derpish. I have Derp and I am proud of being Derpy I also work on Blood Bound a non FIM webcomic thats NSFW and not
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"Could this be the first changeling in FOE story to date?"
"Probably is mate. Not much info from the wiki about changelings in FOE, this could be a start."
One time I've seen one other, I think. Lemme see if i can find it again.
Edit: found it - Fallout: Equestria - Change
2618087, Not quite "mate". The publish date of A Lonely Road is earlier.
best idea ever
Just telling you this now for your own good. Saying, "This is my first fic," on FiMFiction is like painting a neon sign on yourself that says, "Come and get me, haters."
...
Additionally, the sooner you open yourself up to constructive criticism, the better. First drafts really don't get a free pass against editing and/or rewriting. There's always room for improvement.
2618162 That I did find out about, My editor must have loved using red text on my drafts, but bless his heart he was very good with the editing, and taught me about what I was doing both right and wrong.
Maybe that Changeling might get some love.
You know there is tag for changelings :P?
2618460 Whoops! I didn't see that little guy there in the list, Thanks for that. I fixed it.
Sounds interesting, will most definitely read later
EDIT: Just read, and it was pretty great. A few issues with commas here and there, but other than that brilliant.
Oh I like this looks good so far
Hardly fair for me to be saying that I like this. I helped Coffee Rings to edit it into reasonable shape. He had a great idea and structure but he is a FAST learner and a great student.
I personally love the way that he devleops this story and look forward to reading the rest of it.
I've only seen a couple of other changeling FoE fics, but this one's unique so far.
Well written, with a protagonist that is completely different to the usual FoE fare, and a romance tag that might actually mean Romance, not just sex.
I've just finished reading this first chapter, and there are some things that I feel like I need to point out. First off, it wasn't bad, but that is a problem; it was just "not bad". The good Fallout: Equestria stories are known for their beautiful writing and interesting and very real feeling characters, two things which I felt this story was lacking. The prose felt like it was all over the place, shifting between intense, and sometimes needless, description and simple language. This cost me to become very lost and uninterested; if the writing doesn't feel natural and flow, it will not hold my interest.
The characters are another part of the story that are extremely important. There is a reason that most Fallout: Equestria stories are told in the first person; it brings the character's experiences to life and gives them thorough personalities. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I felt absolutely no personality from the protagonist. All I know is that he is a changeling, and considering how little we actually know about changelings, that leaves him as a very boring character.
Paint a picture for us. Show us, the readers, a scene that we want to immerse ourselves in. Instead of describing what's happening as if we are reading a report, create a world and have your characters move and live in it; make them and their world real. I want to see a real world, and it's your job to show me it. I want to like the story; I want to like the characters, but you simply aren't giving me anything to latch on to.
Another issue is the word count; it's far too small. The thing that makes Fo:E so immersive is the amount of words that go into building the world and creating the character's personalities. The amount of words you have simply isn't enough to do so, which makes the whole thing confusing and rushed. Don't be afraid to build an environment that the reader can be emotionally invested in.
Now, in typing this, I don't mean to discourage you. I mean the opposite, in fact. I want you to keep writing; never, ever, stop coming up with ideas and putting them on paper. Type until your fingers hurt and listen to what people have to say about it, because the great thing about writing is that you can only get better.
I want this story to succeed. I want this story to be the best Fallout: Equestria story involving a Changeling ever written. If I didn't think it could be great, I wouldn't offer this critique. I'm not giving it an up vote or down vote yet, because I would really like to see what you with the next chapter. The concept really has potential.
I'm also sorry that I can't type more due to the limitations of my phone. If you have any questions at all, feel free to send me a PM! I hope this helps you be the best you can be!
OMG.... Changelings are best ponies. Please keep up the great writing. I love the development of Hero's personality being dependent on the positive emotions she feeds on.
Yaaaay, new chapter!
Okay, constructive criticism time.
First off; double space your lines! I've seen good authors not doing this, and their great works just become painful to read. You double spaced first chapter, and it was excellent, but now readers, myself included, have the chance to lose their place. It also looks messy and readers lose interest fast in messy work. All in all it detracts from the experience. This is important to do for future works.
Secondly, I feel you could've left out a few things about the Stable, or at the very least diluted it a bit; no mentioning the stable's number until later, or going into a lot of detail about combat training. The cutie mark also could've waited until the present when she wakes up, as it seems unlikely that she would notice or even think about it when she's in the middle of a firefight with raiders. Mentioning she's a combat medic is fine, but there is a certain level of detail that gets lost in adrenaline and fighting for your life. Especially for a Stable Dweller fresh into the Wasteland.
For another note; commas before dialog, periods; basic grammar. I understand you have a proofreader and all, but it helps to police your own work. For example:
This needs a comma before the dialog.
And a VERY important story-based one; "New Coltifornia Republic"
Unless this is basically just ponified Fallout, this should be New Canterlot Republic, see Epilogue/Ten Years Later chapters of the original Fallout: Equestria. I can understand if you want to have a New Vegas spin on this, but its important to double-check your facts and lore before doing stuff like that, or even during the writing. Herd I get as Caesar's Legion, which is fine, but as stated above; NCR is mentioned/created in the actual story. You don't go against the Word of God in FOE like Project Horizons did. KKat's original deserves the respect to not be tampered with. It also keeps readers interested knowing that this is worldbuilding and not overwriting the original just so you can have a good story.
As for that paragraph as a whole; you probably could have broken it up a bit; right before you introduce "The President" especially. Another thing to note is that you don't want to show your entire hand in the first chapter; tease readers with information to keep them interested. One thing that made the original FOE so engaging was that you never knew the full story until much later; you would always get more and more of it as time went on.
All in all, and I hate to do this, but I feel it's true, you need to go back and edit the crap out of this. Formatting especially, but also some minor story elements need refining.
But this is just constructive criticism. You don't have to listen to me. I will say, though, that if this keeps up, I might have to unfave it. It has potential, but you seem... new, to the FOE writer's family.
2708106 Thanks for that feedback, I do appreciate it. I have gone through and fixed the things you have pointed out and it does make it easier to read.
2710701Just a cloudy day
2708106
How did FOE: Project horizons go against the main story, kat accepted it to be canon cause it never went against it :)
So I read it finally and I like it. Good work, Anubic xd
2744891
...I'm not going to respond to this beyond this message because I don't want to clog up this author's comments section. You want my honest opinion, send me a message. Anyone can, but I will not be so rude as to start what will likely become a back-and-forth thing. Sorry, but I have personal rules for things like this.
But for the record; PH isn't canon. No sidestories are canon. She accepted it and approved. She didn't say it's canon. For further proof, here is a message relating to that in the comments section on her page:
"As for the approval, it doesn't mean what most people think it means. At the time, all FOE side story updates were being posted in a single megapost. I gave Seth my approval to separate out Project Horizons and give the story its own page so that people could comment on it separately. "
Not that bad. I hope it will be not like most of fallout fics (base only failout 3). Lets see how it will roll
I'm looking forward for an update, actually.
2855514 Update is still being worked on sorry *taking a while with al the other stuff I have to do*
I liked the part with me in it, jumped around a bit time-wise though. I love stories, ty for writing
This is very nice. Could use some polishing, but it's got a nice concept and execution. I'd recommend finding an Editor/Prereader, as they'll often also give you a kick, should you need it. I'd offer my own services, but I'm hardly a sterling example myself. Ask around a bit, you'd be surprised at how many people honestly want to help.
great so far just unfortunate how it hasn't had an update for so long
3484133 I have a very short update done... (I have been nervous about submitting it cos its so short) but I just waiting for editors to rip it apart and put it together again...
4345586 cool will wait
I love this!
Wow, a whole year.
Much better :)
Still waiting for more.
Now this is a story I haven't seen update... In a long time.
Your alive? Your alive!
What the ... I'm completly lost
4648737 I'll get the booze!
4652664 wooo!!
4648737 *You're
Also, BOO-YAH!!! Update, baby!
yay, words!
Hope there's no hiatus. I enjoy reading this fic. Got a soft spot for changelings.
4691606 No hiatus, just takes me a lont time to write with the other things I also do (work etc) but the next chapter is way underway.
Are you still updating this? This is a very unique story idea and it would be a shame if you discontinued this.
4918983 Yup its still updating. I am writing this story as I have time. Bloodbound has priority, as does my work. But Hivemind is still worked on as fast as I can. and I think I am half way though the next chapter
Wow. I thought you speed Makin chapters. Glad ta know ye still written some more chapters.
very nice
haha misty is "bad food"
More now or else!
The only bad thing about this is that it ends.
5063561
Yep I is the fastest writer eva lol
5063864
Fish are friends.. not food (Bruce the great white shark)
5065046
More coming... typing as I speak.. speaking as I type...
5065928
Its not over yet.. oh you meant this chapter.. yep it ended
On an unrelated note.. I would like to find another proof reader to help out. Mine has school and stuff that takes preference.