"Could this be the first changeling in FOE story to date?" "Probably is mate. Not much info from the wiki about changelings in FOE, this could be a start."
Well I hope you will be gentle cos this is my first attempt at a FIM fanfic
Just telling you this now for your own good. Saying, "This is my first fic," on FiMFiction is like painting a neon sign on yourself that says, "Come and get me, haters." ... Additionally, the sooner you open yourself up to constructive criticism, the better. First drafts really don't get a free pass against editing and/or rewriting. There's always room for improvement.
2618162 That I did find out about, My editor must have loved using red text on my drafts, but bless his heart he was very good with the editing, and taught me about what I was doing both right and wrong.
Sounds interesting, will most definitely read later EDIT: Just read, and it was pretty great. A few issues with commas here and there, but other than that brilliant.
Hardly fair for me to be saying that I like this. I helped Coffee Rings to edit it into reasonable shape. He had a great idea and structure but he is a FAST learner and a great student.
I personally love the way that he devleops this story and look forward to reading the rest of it.
I've only seen a couple of other changeling FoE fics, but this one's unique so far. Well written, with a protagonist that is completely different to the usual FoE fare, and a romance tag that might actually mean Romance, not just sex.
I've just finished reading this first chapter, and there are some things that I feel like I need to point out. First off, it wasn't bad, but that is a problem; it was just "not bad". The good Fallout: Equestria stories are known for their beautiful writing and interesting and very real feeling characters, two things which I felt this story was lacking. The prose felt like it was all over the place, shifting between intense, and sometimes needless, description and simple language. This cost me to become very lost and uninterested; if the writing doesn't feel natural and flow, it will not hold my interest.
The characters are another part of the story that are extremely important. There is a reason that most Fallout: Equestria stories are told in the first person; it brings the character's experiences to life and gives them thorough personalities. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I felt absolutely no personality from the protagonist. All I know is that he is a changeling, and considering how little we actually know about changelings, that leaves him as a very boring character.
Paint a picture for us. Show us, the readers, a scene that we want to immerse ourselves in. Instead of describing what's happening as if we are reading a report, create a world and have your characters move and live in it; make them and their world real. I want to see a real world, and it's your job to show me it. I want to like the story; I want to like the characters, but you simply aren't giving me anything to latch on to.
Another issue is the word count; it's far too small. The thing that makes Fo:E so immersive is the amount of words that go into building the world and creating the character's personalities. The amount of words you have simply isn't enough to do so, which makes the whole thing confusing and rushed. Don't be afraid to build an environment that the reader can be emotionally invested in.
Now, in typing this, I don't mean to discourage you. I mean the opposite, in fact. I want you to keep writing; never, ever, stop coming up with ideas and putting them on paper. Type until your fingers hurt and listen to what people have to say about it, because the great thing about writing is that you can only get better.
I want this story to succeed. I want this story to be the best Fallout: Equestria story involving a Changeling ever written. If I didn't think it could be great, I wouldn't offer this critique. I'm not giving it an up vote or down vote yet, because I would really like to see what you with the next chapter. The concept really has potential.
I'm also sorry that I can't type more due to the limitations of my phone. If you have any questions at all, feel free to send me a PM! I hope this helps you be the best you can be!
While I ain't a fan of the art in the beginning of the chapter is it a pretty unique move, so my hat of to you for doing something new. Another thing that is new, and not for the best is the link to the original story. While I do understand why people want to credit the original where credit is due, can I hardly see what it is making in the first chapter and not in the authors notes or story description as other stories are doing. I like to get right to my story, and have already had to scroll trough a big picture, no need to give me a link (which is a slow link at that since it isn't a direct link but a google link... and Kkat have actually uploaded her story to Fimfiction as well just FYI) that I just would skip over.
I love seeing neat art as... don't know how to describe THIS but when you see the picture against another colour of background are there a small area in the right alicorns wing, right behind the first and second feather, there wasn't made see through. Nitpick for sure, but one worth bringing up since there clearly was some thought put into the art.
Seeing that authors note... ALL THE PRETTIES! Can't wait to see if there are some other pretties hiding in the chapters to come. I have only seen one other story using something like this, and I must say that it is most effective.
Not so much more to say to this chapter as our main characters only have spoken like a dozen words to each other, not much more than I am intrigued that is
Nitpicks: "Its eyes found a very scared and very alive pale blue unicorn holding the handgun in her mouth pointing its shaking barrel right at the head of the changeling." Unless it is griffin make do I think that pistol would make do since ponies have hoofs.
"As her gaze ran down the changeling," Need a line between this segment and the one before it.
"Could this be the first changeling in FOE story to date?"
"Probably is mate. Not much info from the wiki about changelings in FOE, this could be a start."
One time I've seen one other, I think. Lemme see if i can find it again.
Edit: found it - Fallout: Equestria - Change
2618087, Not quite "mate". The publish date of A Lonely Road is earlier.
best idea ever
Just telling you this now for your own good. Saying, "This is my first fic," on FiMFiction is like painting a neon sign on yourself that says, "Come and get me, haters."
...
Additionally, the sooner you open yourself up to constructive criticism, the better. First drafts really don't get a free pass against editing and/or rewriting. There's always room for improvement.
2618162 That I did find out about, My editor must have loved using red text on my drafts, but bless his heart he was very good with the editing, and taught me about what I was doing both right and wrong.
Maybe that Changeling might get some love.
You know there is tag for changelings :P?
2618460 Whoops! I didn't see that little guy there in the list, Thanks for that. I fixed it.
Sounds interesting, will most definitely read later
EDIT: Just read, and it was pretty great. A few issues with commas here and there, but other than that brilliant.
Oh I like this looks good so far
Hardly fair for me to be saying that I like this. I helped Coffee Rings to edit it into reasonable shape. He had a great idea and structure but he is a FAST learner and a great student.
I personally love the way that he devleops this story and look forward to reading the rest of it.
I've only seen a couple of other changeling FoE fics, but this one's unique so far.
Well written, with a protagonist that is completely different to the usual FoE fare, and a romance tag that might actually mean Romance, not just sex.
I've just finished reading this first chapter, and there are some things that I feel like I need to point out. First off, it wasn't bad, but that is a problem; it was just "not bad". The good Fallout: Equestria stories are known for their beautiful writing and interesting and very real feeling characters, two things which I felt this story was lacking. The prose felt like it was all over the place, shifting between intense, and sometimes needless, description and simple language. This cost me to become very lost and uninterested; if the writing doesn't feel natural and flow, it will not hold my interest.
The characters are another part of the story that are extremely important. There is a reason that most Fallout: Equestria stories are told in the first person; it brings the character's experiences to life and gives them thorough personalities. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I felt absolutely no personality from the protagonist. All I know is that he is a changeling, and considering how little we actually know about changelings, that leaves him as a very boring character.
Paint a picture for us. Show us, the readers, a scene that we want to immerse ourselves in. Instead of describing what's happening as if we are reading a report, create a world and have your characters move and live in it; make them and their world real. I want to see a real world, and it's your job to show me it. I want to like the story; I want to like the characters, but you simply aren't giving me anything to latch on to.
Another issue is the word count; it's far too small. The thing that makes Fo:E so immersive is the amount of words that go into building the world and creating the character's personalities. The amount of words you have simply isn't enough to do so, which makes the whole thing confusing and rushed. Don't be afraid to build an environment that the reader can be emotionally invested in.
Now, in typing this, I don't mean to discourage you. I mean the opposite, in fact. I want you to keep writing; never, ever, stop coming up with ideas and putting them on paper. Type until your fingers hurt and listen to what people have to say about it, because the great thing about writing is that you can only get better.
I want this story to succeed. I want this story to be the best Fallout: Equestria story involving a Changeling ever written. If I didn't think it could be great, I wouldn't offer this critique. I'm not giving it an up vote or down vote yet, because I would really like to see what you with the next chapter. The concept really has potential.
I'm also sorry that I can't type more due to the limitations of my phone. If you have any questions at all, feel free to send me a PM! I hope this helps you be the best you can be!
Yay for headcanon!
While I ain't a fan of the art in the beginning of the chapter is it a pretty unique move, so my hat of to you for doing something new. Another thing that is new, and not for the best is the link to the original story. While I do understand why people want to credit the original where credit is due, can I hardly see what it is making in the first chapter and not in the authors notes or story description as other stories are doing. I like to get right to my story, and have already had to scroll trough a big picture, no need to give me a link (which is a slow link at that since it isn't a direct link but a google link... and Kkat have actually uploaded her story to Fimfiction as well just FYI) that I just would skip over.
I love seeing neat art as... don't know how to describe THIS but when you see the picture against another colour of background are there a small area in the right alicorns wing, right behind the first and second feather, there wasn't made see through. Nitpick for sure, but one worth bringing up since there clearly was some thought put into the art.
Seeing that authors note... ALL THE PRETTIES! Can't wait to see if there are some other pretties hiding in the chapters to come. I have only seen one other story using something like this, and I must say that it is most effective.
Not so much more to say to this chapter as our main characters only have spoken like a dozen words to each other, not much more than I am intrigued that is
Nitpicks:
"Its eyes found a very scared and very alive pale blue unicorn holding the handgun in her mouth pointing its shaking barrel right at the head of the changeling." Unless it is griffin make do I think that pistol would make do since ponies have hoofs.
"As her gaze ran down the changeling," Need a line between this segment and the one before it.