OMG.... Changelings are best ponies. Please keep up the great writing. I love the development of Hero's personality being dependent on the positive emotions she feeds on.
First off; double space your lines! I've seen good authors not doing this, and their great works just become painful to read. You double spaced first chapter, and it was excellent, but now readers, myself included, have the chance to lose their place. It also looks messy and readers lose interest fast in messy work. All in all it detracts from the experience. This is important to do for future works.
Secondly, I feel you could've left out a few things about the Stable, or at the very least diluted it a bit; no mentioning the stable's number until later, or going into a lot of detail about combat training. The cutie mark also could've waited until the present when she wakes up, as it seems unlikely that she would notice or even think about it when she's in the middle of a firefight with raiders. Mentioning she's a combat medic is fine, but there is a certain level of detail that gets lost in adrenaline and fighting for your life. Especially for a Stable Dweller fresh into the Wasteland.
For another note; commas before dialog, periods; basic grammar. I understand you have a proofreader and all, but it helps to police your own work. For example:
Outside the crater came a guttural male shout “KILL THEM!”
This needs a comma before the dialog.
And a VERY important story-based one; "New Coltifornia Republic"
Unless this is basically just ponified Fallout, this should be New Canterlot Republic, see Epilogue/Ten Years Later chapters of the original Fallout: Equestria. I can understand if you want to have a New Vegas spin on this, but its important to double-check your facts and lore before doing stuff like that, or even during the writing. Herd I get as Caesar's Legion, which is fine, but as stated above; NCR is mentioned/created in the actual story. You don't go against the Word of God in FOE like Project Horizons did. KKat's original deserves the respect to not be tampered with. It also keeps readers interested knowing that this is worldbuilding and not overwriting the original just so you can have a good story.
As for that paragraph as a whole; you probably could have broken it up a bit; right before you introduce "The President" especially. Another thing to note is that you don't want to show your entire hand in the first chapter; tease readers with information to keep them interested. One thing that made the original FOE so engaging was that you never knew the full story until much later; you would always get more and more of it as time went on.
All in all, and I hate to do this, but I feel it's true, you need to go back and edit the crap out of this. Formatting especially, but also some minor story elements need refining.
But this is just constructive criticism. You don't have to listen to me. I will say, though, that if this keeps up, I might have to unfave it. It has potential, but you seem... new, to the FOE writer's family.
2708106 Thanks for that feedback, I do appreciate it. I have gone through and fixed the things you have pointed out and it does make it easier to read.
2744891 ...I'm not going to respond to this beyond this message because I don't want to clog up this author's comments section. You want my honest opinion, send me a message. Anyone can, but I will not be so rude as to start what will likely become a back-and-forth thing. Sorry, but I have personal rules for things like this.
But for the record; PH isn't canon. No sidestories are canon. She accepted it and approved. She didn't say it's canon. For further proof, here is a message relating to that in the comments section on her page:
"As for the approval, it doesn't mean what most people think it means. At the time, all FOE side story updates were being posted in a single megapost. I gave Seth my approval to separate out Project Horizons and give the story its own page so that people could comment on it separately. "
This is very nice. Could use some polishing, but it's got a nice concept and execution. I'd recommend finding an Editor/Prereader, as they'll often also give you a kick, should you need it. I'd offer my own services, but I'm hardly a sterling example myself. Ask around a bit, you'd be surprised at how many people honestly want to help.
3484133 I have a very short update done... (I have been nervous about submitting it cos its so short) but I just waiting for editors to rip it apart and put it together again...
Normally do I say a lot more than this when I read a new story, but Hero is too gosh darn cute so I will just give you my upvote and say that this is some quality work you have here. There are a few line issues here and there, but Fimfictions have done weirder things in the past
Nitpicks: "backpedaled rapidly" Someone stole the space before this sentence.
"While he had the respect of his superiors and had the admiration and obedience of his subordinates ," Remove the space before the comma.
OMG.... Changelings are best ponies. Please keep up the great writing. I love the development of Hero's personality being dependent on the positive emotions she feeds on.
Yaaaay, new chapter!
Okay, constructive criticism time.
First off; double space your lines! I've seen good authors not doing this, and their great works just become painful to read. You double spaced first chapter, and it was excellent, but now readers, myself included, have the chance to lose their place. It also looks messy and readers lose interest fast in messy work. All in all it detracts from the experience. This is important to do for future works.
Secondly, I feel you could've left out a few things about the Stable, or at the very least diluted it a bit; no mentioning the stable's number until later, or going into a lot of detail about combat training. The cutie mark also could've waited until the present when she wakes up, as it seems unlikely that she would notice or even think about it when she's in the middle of a firefight with raiders. Mentioning she's a combat medic is fine, but there is a certain level of detail that gets lost in adrenaline and fighting for your life. Especially for a Stable Dweller fresh into the Wasteland.
For another note; commas before dialog, periods; basic grammar. I understand you have a proofreader and all, but it helps to police your own work. For example:
This needs a comma before the dialog.
And a VERY important story-based one; "New Coltifornia Republic"
Unless this is basically just ponified Fallout, this should be New Canterlot Republic, see Epilogue/Ten Years Later chapters of the original Fallout: Equestria. I can understand if you want to have a New Vegas spin on this, but its important to double-check your facts and lore before doing stuff like that, or even during the writing. Herd I get as Caesar's Legion, which is fine, but as stated above; NCR is mentioned/created in the actual story. You don't go against the Word of God in FOE like Project Horizons did. KKat's original deserves the respect to not be tampered with. It also keeps readers interested knowing that this is worldbuilding and not overwriting the original just so you can have a good story.
As for that paragraph as a whole; you probably could have broken it up a bit; right before you introduce "The President" especially. Another thing to note is that you don't want to show your entire hand in the first chapter; tease readers with information to keep them interested. One thing that made the original FOE so engaging was that you never knew the full story until much later; you would always get more and more of it as time went on.
All in all, and I hate to do this, but I feel it's true, you need to go back and edit the crap out of this. Formatting especially, but also some minor story elements need refining.
But this is just constructive criticism. You don't have to listen to me. I will say, though, that if this keeps up, I might have to unfave it. It has potential, but you seem... new, to the FOE writer's family.
2708106 Thanks for that feedback, I do appreciate it. I have gone through and fixed the things you have pointed out and it does make it easier to read.
2710701Just a cloudy day
2708106
How did FOE: Project horizons go against the main story, kat accepted it to be canon cause it never went against it :)
So I read it finally and I like it. Good work, Anubic xd
2744891
...I'm not going to respond to this beyond this message because I don't want to clog up this author's comments section. You want my honest opinion, send me a message. Anyone can, but I will not be so rude as to start what will likely become a back-and-forth thing. Sorry, but I have personal rules for things like this.
But for the record; PH isn't canon. No sidestories are canon. She accepted it and approved. She didn't say it's canon. For further proof, here is a message relating to that in the comments section on her page:
"As for the approval, it doesn't mean what most people think it means. At the time, all FOE side story updates were being posted in a single megapost. I gave Seth my approval to separate out Project Horizons and give the story its own page so that people could comment on it separately. "
Not that bad. I hope it will be not like most of fallout fics (base only failout 3). Lets see how it will roll
I'm looking forward for an update, actually.
2855514 Update is still being worked on sorry *taking a while with al the other stuff I have to do*
I liked the part with me in it, jumped around a bit time-wise though. I love stories, ty for writing
This is very nice. Could use some polishing, but it's got a nice concept and execution. I'd recommend finding an Editor/Prereader, as they'll often also give you a kick, should you need it. I'd offer my own services, but I'm hardly a sterling example myself. Ask around a bit, you'd be surprised at how many people honestly want to help.
great so far just unfortunate how it hasn't had an update for so long
3484133 I have a very short update done... (I have been nervous about submitting it cos its so short) but I just waiting for editors to rip it apart and put it together again...
4345586 cool will wait
I love this!
Wow, a whole year.
Much better :)
Still waiting for more.
4623647 Lol wuna is walkin on sunshine! :3
Somehow I feel that this would be a good soundtrack song for that dive-bomb attack.
LOL the image at the start! Please upgrade your account to enable third party hosting.
Normally do I say a lot more than this when I read a new story, but Hero is too gosh darn cute so I will just give you my upvote and say that this is some quality work you have here. There are a few line issues here and there, but Fimfictions have done weirder things in the past
Nitpicks:
"backpedaled rapidly" Someone stole the space before this sentence.
"While he had the respect of his superiors and had the admiration and obedience of his subordinates ," Remove the space before the comma.