Just a guy who likes to pony. I read more than I write, and love HiE fics.
Shadow Cabinet needs a break. Being the Prime Minister of an entire city-state is tiring, and he decides he's going to take a relaxing visit to Ponyville to take some time off and catch up with his cousin Positive Charge. After all, what could be better than a relaxing few weeks with his cousin?
As it turns out, a lot of things.
Characters and tags will be added as they become appropriate.
Cover art by the wonderful Neko1Inu2Kitsune3
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Let's start.
1. ponycreator image. This get's down voted alot and is a red flag for readers.
2. You need to learn to give a new person a paragraph while speaking. It then get's confusing to readers.
3. Add a little more description. I'm not a grammar Nazi but I am a Description Nazi. Add more detail to surroundings. Is it raining, is the sun shining? I really don't know.
Overall I give you a 6/10 overall. Not the best not the worst.
2595885 Thanks, I needed that.
I really couldn't think of what else to put as the cover image. Maybe I should just leave it blank for now?
2598665
You could request for fan art too. I seen OC art done.
2599101 I think I fixed the paragraph issue, and I shall definitely try to be more descriptive from now on. Thanks for the advice.
2600606
Your welcome, also, your spacing is good too.
2600769 What spacing?
Some tips: Try not to throw out an entire character's full description all in one go; it's kinda lazy and un-inventive. Introduce their physical features gradually, example: say what his messy brown mane DOES, rather than what it IS (example: "the wind kicked up his messy brown mane," instead of just saying "he had a messy brown mane). It's less straight-forward and bland.
As CometTail said, more environmental description (although the state of Positive's messy house was good). New paragraphs for each character, and I saw a few typos and missed capitalizations for names. Beyond that though, the dynamic between "Cabby" and "Possy" is interesting, (though I think Creepy stole the chapter)
It has potential. Onwards!
Oh lord, he's gonna hop in the sack with the town bicycle
Hrm, fix the spacing (double space between paragraphs) and you'll be good. Nice improvement over the previous chapter
2614825 Thanks for the advice, especially about the descriptive aspects. I'm not that great at describing things.
2614834 It's all good, dude. Just like all things, it takes practice to get good at.
Just think of it this way: Show, don't tell.
Don't tell us how a character looks, SHOW us via his/her interactions with his environment how he/she looks.
By doing this, we get a feel of how a character carries themselves, how they generally react, and if they have any personality quirks we should pick up on, especially if those quirks or what set him/her apart from other characters in the story. And thus we get into characterization