Starswirl's journal contained more than just one unfinished masterpiece. A second spell found by Twilight, created in the time of Equestria's founding, has summoned new and incredibly dangerous beings to Equestria. Now Twilight and her friends must rely on four strange and unlikely heroes from another world to help them conquer this new threat.
Stranded in a foreign land and with no way back home, will the four succeed in ridding Equestria of this new threat or will these young heroes fall prey to the very darkness they seek to destroy? As answers are uncovered and the past comes to light, they find that some secrets are better left untold.
A crossover with the PSP Game Class of Heroes
Coverart is by the very talented Marik_Azemus! I could not have asked for a better cover!
Editing is done by JeffCVT and EnderBlaze
(Title is a rough translation for: The Darkness Within My Soul)
Contains gore, adult situations and language
I'm really enjoy this fic I look forward to more.
2608438
Thanks I'm glad you enjoy it. I just need to tweak a few things but the next chapter will be up soon.
Though a story is a story but how long will this story last? And if long then love really hits home really fast in this one without seeing a inner part of beauty.
Other then that it's a great story, seeing that they were born to fight and stuff they are not OP but Dante is something i'm looking forward to...seeing he has something in him so powerful he denied it's existence.
Other then that is is a good read so take care and...
Mahalo.
2678321 thanks for the kind words. I'm not sure how long this will last but I planned it for at least fifteen to twenty chapters minimum.
In regards to the romance part of this story, don't worry I plan on fleshing that out soon. Each relationship will take a few chapters to get started.
As for Dante, we'll find out more about him soon. His choices and secrets are what will really drive the plot. He has both a good and bad side to him. How he chooses to handle his new situation will either see him rise or fall.
Hope you enjoy the future installments. I look forward to your future comments
like the back story on AJ and Coppa keep it up
ps: that was sooooooooooooooooooooo sad : ''('''''
The following review was created by a reviewer in the A For Effort Group. It was created because you posted your story in the appropriate folder in the A For Effort Group. The following review was an attempt to be as objective as possible. If there are any questions, please contact The Quill and Sofa Shop or Lophane. This review was posted after reading the first chapter.
Reviewer: The Quill and Sofa Shop
Name of Story: Unexpected Heroes
Grammar: The grammar in this piece was severely lacking. You were missing a lot of punctuation, and had too many run-on sentences. You didn't follow standard dialogue conventions, and you had occasional issues with proper capitalization. Your grammar issues distracted from the story.
Spelling (no more than 10 words per 1000 can be spelled incorrectly): There were rarely any spelling mistakes. The spelling was excellent.
Originality: The storyline seems fairly original. I haven’t read a Class of Heroes crossover before, so I commend you for thinking of a new crossover. Your first chapter was very intriguing, though the ending was clichèd. I like how you use the common link of magic in the two worlds, as that helps make the crossover more realistic.
Characters: I do not play Class of Heroes, so I can’t say how in character or OOC those characters were. The little I saw of the MLP characters seemed to be extremely in character.
OCs: I didn’t see any OCs present. If there were OCs, they were Class of Heroes OCs, so I wouldn’t recognize them. Sorry.
Synopsis: The description was thrilling and interesting to read. I enjoyed it. However, the bold text is unnecessary, as the Crossover should be tagged (and the fact that it’s not annoys me), and you can ask for constructive criticism in the author’s notes. Please remove this to strengthen your description.
Personal Comments: I feel like I would be able to give this a much better review if the grammar was better. It distracted from the story and made me lose interest. The only reason I read the entire first chapter was because I was obligated to out of my reviewing duties for A Is For Effort. If you take more time and effort to use all of your punctuation and to shorten your sentences, you would have a stronger story. In addition to this, the linking to pictures in your story disrupts the flow of your story and makes you look unprofessional. The fact that you need to rely on pictures weakens you in the eye of the reader-you have the entirety of the English vocabulary on your side, use it to make your character descriptions more vibrant and fascinating than a picture ever could be!
I also noticed that you have been struck with a minor case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, in which you seem to have a habit of referring to the characters by description, instead of by their actual name. Used sparingly and appropriately, this can work-for example, your decision to refer to Feinman as an “aged man” in the opening sentence was good, as it helped set the scene better. However, later on in the story, we have this sentence: “Twilight, are you sure this is gonna work?” the small purple dragon asked as he looked past the stack of books at the lavender unicorn who was scanning the pages of a book lying in front of her.” Referring to Spike and Twilight in this manner is unnecessary and clutters up your writing.
You also have problems with exposition. Instead of telling us about relationships or past events, show us. Instead of telling us that Twilight has slept and ate little, show us her hunger pains, her thinning body, the bags underneath her eyes and her unused bed. This allows the reader to feel more apart of the story, and is more engaging to the reader.
Verdict:
Denied
I will be placing this into the “Needs Improvement” folder. An admin will sort it from there.
2723140 Thanks for the review.
Needless to say, I'm disappointed you didn't enjoy the first chapter but I understand that's what these reviews are for. I'll go back at some point and take the pointers you gave me. In all honesty I had no idea what Lavender Unicorn syndrome was but thanks for pointing that out.
As for grammar, that's my weak spot but I'll make every effort to try and improve it.
Again, thank you for taking the time to review it.
2723563 I'm sorry that came out so harsh, I really don't like being that hard on people and your story wasn't that bad. I was just trying to be objective...I think you have some good ideas here, just the ways you present them could use some work. I look forward to reading this after a little bit of editing. Thanks for understanding. ^.^
2723589 it's fine really. It's your job to do this and I appreciate the brutal honesty. That's what drives me to improve. This is my first fanfic and if I allow myself to be sloppy with this one then my future ones will just go downhill from there. I have one editor who I feel like I'm overworking with this piece but my mistakes are mine and I need others to point them out. That's why I'm glad you did this.
Also it's heartening to see that you might give it another chance which means I'll just have to work even harder now. Also I fixed the tags so there's a start. If you notice anything else don't hesitate to chew me out.
OHHhhhh Ahhhhhh Iiiiiii WWAaaannnnTTttttt MMMmmmmOooooRrrrrrEEeeee~~~~~~~~~
This was good emotion set to the character to show a helping hand. And giving AJ her ego was a good touch...I can't wait...can't...omg
i'm eating too much sweets....
2749047 You want more? Then you shall have it!
It'll be a few days but the next chapter will be out soon enough. I promise you that!
I hope this doesn't sound to stupid of me asking but I was just wondering what the characters were base from if you don't mind me asking.
2783862 never a stupid question! Im assuming you're talking about Dante and his friends. They're original characters from a playthrough I made in class of heroes. You use stock images for them but you can customize every other aspect.
As for the physics and lore. The game is a bit sparse in that area so I use what I can and fill in the other areas.
More background info will be revealed in later chapters.
2784228 I was wondering to what the characters were based from. When I looked at the story for the first time I thought it was "World of Warcraft" but when some of the characters were not anything that is in WoW (like Dante) and some of the places at the beginning wearn't either I ruled out WoW.
2786085 The game which I used is called Class of Heroes. It's an Rpg for the PSP that basically follows a group of character created students that study to become adventurers. I believe I put a link to the game's website in the author's notes but if you want it it's right here:
http://www.atlus.com/classofheroes/
Here's the sequel also:
http://www.classofheroes.com/
2786569 k thanks.
sam all the way
i gotta say man im ok with either, but if i absolutley 100% had to chose id say sam.
2896740>>2903074
Ok so that's two for Sam. Now would you like him to remain totally silent or be sort of like Silent Bob. You know only saying deep meaningful things? I haven't written the chapter yet so it's up to you guys.
Choose wisely!
hmmm... this is tough... I think the silent bob one or choice 2.
In some games i see the most silent one is sometimes the most deadly one, like rouges from WoW or assasins, but also sometimes there the most wises ones.
2903371 tough call id say completly silent communicate through gestures
i just notice that the dwarfs from class of heroes look well... um... cat like in some ways. still look preaty cool though
2923316 Yea people tend to look at them as either dog or cat like. I thought it was a weird interpretation at first but there are a ton of gags involving people assuming they are exactly like dogs. When I find the comics I'll throw them in the author's notes.
k
im looking more stuff up on Class of Heroes and found out in the 2nd game that dante was a teacher?
2924817 No that was just a coincidence really. I didn't realise they shared the same name until it the last minute. Coppa was taken from a screenshot I found from the second game. I chose the name Dante as a kind of a spur of the moment thing. No relation to Mr.Dante from the second game. Sorry about the confusion.
ok
nice chapter. thx for the authors note by the way
Maybe it's dificult to right fluttershy's caracter because she is so shy? Also it was completely obvious that Sam Is like a japenese warrior.
Your favorite Samari movie hmm...... Yea no idea. By the way like the chapter. Little bit of drama .. But it makes it look good maybe. But hey I'm not a story writer so don't worry bout it.
One more thing, I think your doing good on fluttershy. Nice work. :)
A good chapter. Sam is a great character and anything with Fluttershy in it automatically bumps up the score.
3107423
I think I know who your favorite pony is
i try with each character to make them as realistic as possible. Out of the four i believe that i spent the most time on Sam. That was just trying to figure out how to express him without speaking. However, i'm curious to know what everyone might think his element would be.
3107334
Yea I know it was obvious but I still find that reminding people gets the point through. It's just a precaution to prevent any confusion.
That's probably why I find her so difficult to write. I'm not really used to the shy types so that's the added difficulty. I'm sure with time I'll get to nailing her character down.
As for my favorite movie, It stars an actor who has been dubbed the japanese version of Sean bean. Another one of his really good movies is Letters to Iwo Jima
Also what element do you think Sam embodies. Not element of harmony but what natural element?
i think his element is epicness... JK what i realy think it is is like fire or shadow. something along those lines.
3110378
Hmm... a good try but not exactly right!
The actual revelation of what type of magic he uses will come in the next chapter when we discuss the subject of affinity and its effects.
just noticed i have favorited this book for 8 weeks now. wow time flys
i realy like this story so far. im glad i stummbled apon it that one day awile back.
3116810
I'm glad you enjoy it! This is actually only my second attempt at creative story writing. I'm actually surprised so many people have actually taken the time to read and favorite this. I didn't actually think it was that great.
I have no idea how long this story will be, but as long as people read it I'll keep writing. You and the others are pretty much my sole motivation
I make these for others to enjoy and with how people are liking it so far, I'd say that's been accomplished.
not trying to be rude but do u know when the next update is?
3146721
It's nearly done but I'm just encountering trouble with a particular part. It also doesn't help when microsoft word starts acting like a child throwing a tantrum.
Sorry about the wait.
no prob. i know what you mean, my computer has been acting like that for the past month and its a pain to do anything. im going to get it fixed this week.
3147563
The chapter is finished but I just need to send it to my pre reader. I'm not sure how long it'll take but it should be soon.
Thanks for your patience and sorry about the wait
Don't worry about it.
Like the chapter can't wait for next one.
3231479
Thanks, I'll make sure to keep it up to quality when i get the time to write it!
Nice chapter dude liked it
Oh no this is not good for Dante and them.