WarPonyAssassin
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nice
2562579 Why thank you my friend. Nice to see someone likes my first attempt
2563203
Always happy to help a fellow writer!
Well... that's the start. When the next chapter will be?
2563352 Whenever I get an idea of how to start it lol
I see a lot of story ideas being thrown around, but most of them get abandoned pretty quickly. It's great to see one actually get written.
Some of your phrasing seems a bit off, or awkward to read. Here's the most obvious one:
It took me a moment to realise you meant it was weaved from their manes, not made with his parent's bones.
Could use a little work in the scene-setting, and you should give chapters a read-through or two before putting them up, just to catch the things that slip through.
Like that.
Pretty good overall, though. Have a like for now.
2577335 Since you seem to know better what you're talking about. Would you like to be my proofreader?
You used Site instead of Sight at least once, you really need to separate paragraphs a bit better, and it was really brief.
Some more detail on his surprise at her weapons, a bit more scene-setting and world-building, and it would make a huge improvement.
Definitely go into more detail about the town and the train. It's the first time he's seen a train or town, right? That's the sort of thing that he'd be paying extra attention to.
Where'd the colt come from? Was he just sitting outside? Hiding in one of the buildings? Did he even come from the town, or just come running from a different direction?
It's like writing "A Wild Colt appeared!" We know there's a colt that suddenly showed up, but that's it.
The train's another issue. From what I read, it just stops in the middle of nowhere. Is there a station? Does it actually come into the town, or is it some distance away?
Who's talking here?
2613557 i edited some. Check it out
2614592 It's a bit better. Still some errors, and some of your phrasing still seems kinda odd.
Enourmous should be Enormous. Coulda Have should be Could Have or Could'a/Could've, not both.
To/Too is mixed up a couple of times; "We're going to the train" or "The train was too loud" are how they should be used.
I like it so far, though.
Twenty chapters from now, when you're writing 10k word epics that leap from the screen and grab our attention, you'll probably look back at these early chapters and marvel at how far you've come.
Or you'll rewrite them all. Lots of us end up doing that.
So... I think someone have stolen your separations, because all I can see here is a big wall of text, and that is not inviting at all. Or was it meant to look like this? Because then can I just give up in advance to read it
2645590
Thanks for the notice, fixed it
I disagree
I think you could elaberate on what happened to Rainbow Dash, it say's that all the traitors were called Dashite's. So does that mean Rainbow Dash was a traitor? I just think that you could expand on that a little like...
'All the traitors to the pegisi tribe were called Dashite's after the first pony to leave the clouds, the element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash.'
And then you could go into how she convinced a large group to leave with her, because one pony leaving wouldn't earn a name for herself even if she was the first to go. Do you see what I mean by that? Anyway, it's just a suggestion. I just think it would be better with a bit more of a backstory on why she left and all that.
It's good and I like it, but if you don't mind I'll point out a few more mistakes , or what I think are mistakes anyway.
'We all made them; mine was weaved from my mother, father and my own mane. With a small bone carved in the shape of a small knife.'
Should be something like this.
'All the ponies in the tribe made one when they were younger. I made my with the help of my parents when I was just a filly. It was hoof weaved out of my mother's, father's and my own mane. With just a small bone carved into the shape of a knife attached to the hair.'
It still sounds a bit bland but that's only off the top of my head.
'She looked at that thing on her fore-hoof again and then held I to me, pointing at it.
“We’re here, Neighberry is here, roughly a four hour walk northwest into Ghastly Gorge, a bunch of ponies built a big town out of a lot of the materials scavenged from there. It’s built right on the river”
She looked to me, “We can’t take him, it’s too dangerous, don’t know what will be waiting for us on the way there, and I’m low on ammo”'
Could be something like...
'Raining looked down at the contraption on her foreleg, and held it up to me once she found the town. She quickly pointed out the town for me and I saw it wasn't to far away, but as I looked up at the sky i saw it was starting to get dark.
"We're here, Neighberry is over here. Roughly a four hour walk. To get there we'd have to go into Ghastly Gorge. A bunch of ponies built a settlement over there, right beside the river. We wouldn't be able to make it there before nightfall though."
She turned to face me and looked right into my eye's. "We can't take him though. Even if we managed to make it there before nightfall we would have to be running most of the time and I don't think that he would even be able to stand up for a few minutes at the moment."
I opened my mouth to protest but she continued hoping to drive the point home.
"Even if you carried him. We would run into at least, at a minimum a few dangerous ponies or creatures and with you outta the fight carrying him it would be up to me to defend you as well as myself and I would probably run out of ammo for before we got there."
I opened my mouth to talk again, but she placed her hoof over my mouth and kept talking.
"Please, just listen to me." She lowered her hoof and stared into my eye's. "Please." She pleaded.'
And cut this bit out...
'"Fly?” She stretched out her wings with a slight winne and shook her head.
I looked around for something of use, but found nothing.'
I know that's a lot but, I just think the ponies need a little more depth and I personally think that Raining should care more about him. He saved her life and now she feel's like she owe's him. Something like that. And anyway, it's just a suggestion.
3968799
You make a good point, I like it
'"They were bad ponies, they would followed us, hurt us. I killed them so they didn’t hurt us or anyone else”'
Could be...
'They were bad ponies, if I had let them go they would have followed us and killed us while we slept. I had to kill them or else they would of killed Celestia knows how many other ponies, and us.
I started at her blankly, my anger overpowering my reason.'
Better or worse?
'He didn’t say anything but tapped his ear and spoke, “Bring her in, check if she has the brand”
He didn't speak but spoke?
Might just wanna remove the first part about not speaking.
We dropped the colt off and my Pegasus friend decided to buy some more of what she called ‘ammunition’ and left me to
wander and marvel at the enormous cottages and well-dressed ponies.
Should be...
We dropped the colt off and my Pegasus friend decided to buy some more of what she called ‘ammunition’ and left me to wander and marvel at the enormous cottages and well-dressed ponies.
3968865
It meant he didnt say anything to the Tribal but he spoke into an ear piece, and i like that better
If these comments get annoying, just let me know.
'“I… the tribe was safe but I wanted to help those who were not of the tribe, a winged one fell from the sky and the elders were not going to allow me to help her, but I did, and I left by my own will"'
There is no full stop on the end.
3968900
Whats that mean?
3968905 'own will"'
No full stop after will and it's the end of a sentance.
You could extend the hotel part a bit more, maybe something like this.
Raining swayed into the nearest hotel. "Somepony's wanna fuck me silly?!" She called loudly, raising her tail high giving everypony in the room a full view of her lady parts. Most of the ponies turned away in disgust but a few ponies kept looking, with slight smiles on their faces.
I sighed and walked up behind Raining, placing a hoof on her flank. "Ohhh, that feel's good." She said suductively. I sighed again and pushed her as hard as I could so that she went skidding into the receptions desk. A loud 'thud' echoed thought out the room, and Raining struggled to stand.
I walked up to to the mare at the reception desk and kindly asked. "Room for one night?"
She nodded and quickly retrieved a key from under the desk placing it towards me. "That will be twenty-five caps please."
I nodded and looked down to see Raining still struggling to stand. I reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a jingling bag. I placed it on the counter and the mare nodded before going back to reading a paper.
I turned around to see Raining had successfully stood up and was walking over to a clearly embarrassed stallion. "Come on, you know you want me." Raining said drooling slightly as she spoke.
The stallion stood up and quickly exited the building. Raining tried to run after him but fell after three steps. I sighed for the third time in about five minutes. I walked over and grabbed Raining's mane with my teeth before throwing her on my back and walking up the stairs towards the rooms.
I scanned the room numbers as I walked past. '34, 36, ah 38.' I took the key out of my saddlebag and opened the door.
Inside was a single bed, a desk and a cupboard with one room leading off into a bathroom. I walked over to the bed and dumped Raining off my back. I heard her trying to get my attention but I ignored her. I locked the door and walked into the bathroom to 'do a number two'. When I came out, I saw that Raining was asleep and sighed for the forth time. ''No room on the bed.' I walked over next to the bed and lied down on the floor. I tossed and turned for a bit not able to fall asleep. Finally I decided to get up and walk over to the desk.
I gathered up some paper and started writing.'
I just think it's a bit confusing with the earpiece bit.
Then say something like...
'He looked away from the tribal and lowered his voice but not enough so that the tribal couldn't hear.'
Then the rest of the conversation.
It just sounds a bit muddled up to me that's all. If you don't like it then you don't have to change it.
And why don't you have a picture for the story?
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)