Celstia asks Twilight to travel to another Universe to study its inhabits. When there she meets a guy who is willing to help her out. While he himself learns how to be a better friend.
Chapters (2)
supersonicfan91
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Christ on a pogo stick. Let's take a look here.
First sentence:
.......Cave Johnson.
We're done here.
2545490
I thought you liked clam days. Better than oyster days.
2545490 hey don't judge an an entire chapter based off of one sentence
2545519 Oh, trust me, fella. You don't want us judging the entire thing.
2545525 I even put a warning that this was a rough draft and I need an editor to help me out
2545516
Scallop days are my favorite.
2545534 You don't need an editor, my friend. You need a guy with a chainsaw to clear cut this, then a flamethrower to burn the remains
2545552 ok that is a bit harsh didn't you even read the warning I put there for a reason
2545561 I think that there's some sort of legal obligation to put warnings on things that are hazardous to your health, so you don't quite get points there
2545608 I am trying to say that this is a rough draft (it is not yet finished, a general idea, a first try) so I can find an editor who likes the concept and will talk about ideas with to make it good while I enjoy writing it
2545608 dude dont be a troll
2545626 I wasn't gonna to say that myself but yeah
2545660 huh?
2545626 I call them like I see them. No crime in that.
I'm only stating the simple fact that he appears to have knocked out a dictionary in a dark alley and rummaged through its pockets for spare words which he then stuck on this page with a glue stick.
2545660 I dun get it
2545702 you should look at your writing first be fore you comment
And thank you for you comment as well
2545711 ...Sorry, please come back when you've got an actual sentence
2545699 ok you don't like it fine and as much as you might hate this story I will state that I put a good amount of time to think up and type this story concept (Twilight Sparkle meeting cold reality while trying to help others) Now if dislike it please explain why you don't like so I can attempt to improve on it and we can agree to disagree ok.
Okay, so you for some reason seem unable to read back through your own work and fix the obvious spelling mistakes. You need a kick in the arse more than you need an editor, mate. 'Celstia'? Try 'Celestia'. You make this mistake with every usage of her name. 'Clam day'?
These are in the first paragraph alone... and then things take a detour into what I lovingly refer to as 'Pacing Limbo', where dialogue completely takes over the chapter.
roflcat.com/images/cats/Stop_Talking.jpeg
There's barely anything between the reams and reams of babble, and honestly it just makes me feel like the characters just kinda shuffle around from scene to scene, before basically planting their feet and hunkering down to begin verbal combat. They then spout dialogue at each other in a rather stilted manner... it hurts, man, sorry to say. It also sends your pacing into a nosedive, too. I mean, you introduce us to this whole mission thing, and also Adam, in the same chapter they actually meet each other. There's no dramatic tension to Celestia's request, and neither Twilight nor Adam's reactions are even slightly plausible. Twilight basically arrives and then suddenly Celestia's talking about multiverse theory with absolutely no preamble, there's no reaction whatsoever to the idea that humans actually exist, no real thoughts on the whole 'Going to an alien planet' shit.... Tell me, if you were suddenly told by a close friend who works in astrobiology that they'd found a legitimate martian city under the Valles Marineris, after a different friend babbled in your ear for hours at a time how 'UFOs are totally real, bro', and that you had the opportunity to visit them to observe their culture, don't you think you'd have more to say than 'Aliens? Sweet'? That reaction right there is utter horseshit, sorry to say it.
majhost.com/gallery/Just-my-2-cents/xyz/out_of_character.jpg
Likewise, the way Twilight and Adam behave towards each other. Adam's reaction is... pretty far from human. He recovers far too fast (which is a pacing issue that hinges on this being crammed into one 1800 word chapter, filled mostly with endless dialogue), and he's far too nonchalant about the whole thing. Twilight seems kinda OOC too, in that she doesn't really question anything like I'd expect her to, she just kinda does as she's told a lot. Description is... lacking. Very lacking. I don't know what's going on, half the time, because the characters are too busy pontificating for you to adequately describe what they're doing. What does Twilight's 'human girl' body actually look like? We have no idea, it's just described as 'a human girl'. Well, that sure is helpful, isn't it princess?
Your grammar and punctuation use are abysmal, by the way. You barely even use capital letters correctly. Always capitalise after a full stop... Jesus Christ, I can't believe I have to tell you this. New speaker? New line! No exceptions! Spellcheck is important, so you can avoid embarrassments like 'Abilityies'. You don't need an editor for that shit, you need to get off your arse and learn to write. Now, the story elements will likely require a proofreader of some kind to sort out, because as it stands right now the fic looks... unsavoury. Not even on the writing style, which is poor and contains too much dialogue, but because nobody seems to behave in a believable manner, and the 'human/pony is teleported to Earth/Equestria via plot device' storyline is feeling like a horse that has been ridden to death, then beaten for good measure. If you need help with this, I'll give it a shot, but my honest opinion is that you should maybe try something a little less cliche, and read some writing guides first.
2545730 Alright.
It's clumsily written, filled with solid exposition, grammatically terrifying, barely any speech indicators, the ones that exist are 'he said she said', wrong words used, wrong forms of words used, transitions don't stand out, almost solid dialogue, said dialogue is stilted and awkward... Hmm, I'm not sure, but I think I'm missing a few things...
When punctuation is used, it's normally misused, that's another one
Here's the thing. When you say this:
at the start of your story you are in actuality saying, "I can't be bothered to actually work on this to get it right so I'm throwing it out there in the hopes that some kind soul will do all the hard work for me."
If you're going to be going about this all half-assed, by not working on it with an editor before sending it in for publishing, then you shouldn't be sending it out at all. You're going to get a good response and you're especially not going to get a lot of thumbs up for your work. And the ones you do get are for pity or from people that feel you've been unfairly maligned.
Do everybody a favour, including yourself, and take this story down to rework it before publishing it again.
I don't see why this is getting so much hate. It's not really that bad. I've seen much worse on this site. Some of them weren't even trollfics.
In any case, I am intrigued by this story, and slightly interested in helping to edit it, however, I will want to see more of this, before I stake myself down to it.
Now then,
Fuck yeah! Why do so many people not know the difference?!
Also:
1) It's "Molossia"
Was that a TGWTG reference?
2)
That was a TGWTG reference!
You need a
thinkgardner.com/img/virtual_cookie.jpg
2545534 I must concur. If you elect to ignore the very-much-existent warning at the top of the page and just dive right in, you really have no room to talk. And yes, the grammar, spelling, and punctuation, (among other things) are scary bad, but it bears potential to be an excellent story. It simply needs some work, is all. A LOT of work. That being said, I will edit it for you, if you wish. I sent you a PM with my email address in it. Beware: I am a bucking Grammar Nazi. Prepare for a complete deresolution and reconstruction.
2545519 Yet again, I must concur. Judging an entire story off of ONE sentence is foolish, somewhat arrogant, and ineffective in comparison to the entire story. Doing that, and then the whole story after that one sentence turns out to TOTALLY BUCKING BADASS, it makes the reader look like a complete moron. I would not advise doing so.
Prolific troll 8/10.
well its better then the previouse version. and there are more details but. its still pretty short. you say long but this is very short. Adam almost seem like he know more about twilight then she does of humans. does the world have the tv show?
one would have thought he would question twilight about the remote.
one would think he would explain humans can not fly or use magic.
nudity is taboo.
he doesn't seem to realise she probably can't get a job, because lack of id/greencard, credentials, ect.
just things to think about and work on.
2548481 It won't always make sense cause it will have moments that won't make sense just so some characters will point out it doesn't make sense for comedic effect
Adam did tell Twilight the no magic no flight rule after she mentioned she could.
The remote was mainly a joke on how far Twilight would go to learn about anything.
2548767 I like your story. Why does it have down votes?