Warning:
Before you start reading this I am looking for an editor for this please message me if you would like to edit and add details I forget to add. So overall this is a Giant rough draft. Edited to have more description
It was a calm day in Equestria and a young Alicorn named Twilight Sparkle was heading back to Princess Celestia's Castle In Canterlot. Twilight recently became the princess of friendship and was about to receive a new task from Celestia herself. She was worried over what her task could be many thoughts came to her head. With the thoughts distracting her she trotted right into the door in front of her at the moment. The door to the throne room where princess Celestia waited. Twilight opened the door while her foreleg shaking from the nervousness she felt at the moment. Sure she meet the princess on official and unofficial business before but for some unknown reason she always was nervous when they where together.
"Ahh Twilight you arrived" Said Celstia noticing Twilight walking in."I'm sure you of all ponies are aware of the mulitverse theory correct?."
Twilight nodded and said "Yes that's where every single possibility exist with only a small change between universes correct?"
"That's right, now I believe that i found one that we can travel too." Celestia told Twilight
"How did that come about to be it seems a bit odd?" Twilight said questioning her mentor
Celestia smiled at Twilight and said "Let's just say a certain mint green unicorn want to prove her earth pony friend wrong about something"
"Lyra asked you too find a human didn't she?" responed Twilight letting out a small chuckle
Celestia returned the laughter and said "9 times a day for the past 3 months." The sun princess returned to being serious. "That got me thinking maybe the beings from the other universe can teach us so much more and from what I have seen they have technology far beyond what we have."
"Sounds interesting princess but what does this have to do with me?" Asked Twilight a little surprised to learn humans exist.
"I'll be sending you there to observe and learn about the race that lives there." Twilight was shocked to not only find out that an alien race exist but she would be the first to go in order to learn about them. "Only If you accept of course "
"A chance to expand my knowledge and befriend and alien species sounds like fun, but what about my friends here in Equestria I'm not sure if I can just leave them behind." Twilight asked knowing that her friends would miss her if she left.
"I understand Twilight I was planning to send them as well when I find a place in the new world suitable for them and close by to where you'll be staying as well." Said Celestia to help comfort her student
"In that case I shall write them each a letter then I'll be ready Princess."
"There's no need to be so formal Twilight also I found the one you will be staying with meet me in an hour and every thing should be ready." Twilight noded her head to Celestia and turned to go back to her old room that she use to live in before going to Ponyville to write the letters to her friends.
Meanwhile in Louisiana
"Look I'll check my E-mail then I'll set up the room In Soul Sacrifice ok?" The man said into his phone "ok we'll party chat later bye." He signed as he hung up the phone and went to his e-mail where he saw a weird e-mail labeled from Equestria. "Oh this should be interesting" The man said sarcastically. He opened it and it read.
Dear Human,
I'm a Princess Celstia of Equestria telling you that you have been selected to take part in our mulitiverse study program. My faithful student Twilight Sparkle will coming to your home in a few hours.
"yeah right this totally a prank e-mail wait till they hear about this." He then proceeded to go play with his friends online.
Back in Equestria
" You said your good bye's Twilight?"
"Yes Pr- I mean Celestia are you sure that the spells you taught me will work?"
"Yes Twilight I even got my sister Luna to test them for me"
"Thanks that's reassuring I'm ready. Goodbye " Twilight said as she walked through the portal
"I am serious, that's what the e-mail said"
"Yeah right man funny story though" said a voice from the PSvita
"I know there's no way that would happen ever though." said another voice from the devise
"Fine I got go now anyway I'm starting to smell" The Man said to them both turning the Vita off he got everything he needed for a shower but decided to check his e-mail once before just in case anything important came. He logged on and saw 1 new e-mail from the same sender as earlier. He opened it and it read
Dear Human
For Twilight to visit you Click the attachment.
The man saw the attachment labeled Twilight Sparkle.EXE "Well the scan says its not a virus, so I guess its safe." He clicked it and the computer screen went White and a purple alicorn walked through the screen and into the room. it looked around and saw him and smiled at him.
Twilight looked around at her new surroundings and saw the man and said "Hello you must be the human I was assigned to stay with over the course of my visit here."
"T-T-T-Twi" The Man stuttered trying to say the name from the letter
"Is something wrong?" Twilight asked the man concerned for him
"IS SOMETHING WRONG?" the man yelled "YES THERE IS. YOU CAN'T BE REAL. You Twilight Sparkle shouldn't exist and on the off and very slim chance I'm not crazy, delusional, or dreaming at the moment, how are you here and why?
"Didn't you read the letter earlier? It said I was coming here to study Humans and learn all about their customs, behavior, and patterns of day to day live."
The man rubbed his head and said "So you came to an alternate dimension"
"Universe"
"Whatever to study us. Don't you think you draw some attention to your self because in-case you didn't noticed. WE DON'T HAVE MAGICAL TALKING ALICORNS HERE." The Man yelled at Twilight
"I am well aware of that." Twilight said calmly thinking he might just be in shock causing quick anger. "That's why Celestia taught me a spell to appear human but at the same time keep my abilities observe." A Purple glow surrounded her followed by a blinding flash. When the flash ended the man looked and saw a human girl standing there before him "well, do I look like a human female."
The man turned away right after he noticed a detail Twilight missed "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON? DON'T YOU HAVE A SENSE OF SHAME AT ALL?"
"Are you saying humans always where clothes?" Twilight asked
"Yes, now change back." Twilight complied with the man's request to revert to her alicorn form. "Ok now I need to find you some clothes to where for when your human."
Twilight wondering why humans wanted to have clothes on so she asked. "If you don't mind my asking why are you so keen on getting me to wear clothes as a human?"
"It's call public decency if you don't follow it you can get arrested and put in prison." The man answered bluntly.
"Ok then I guess I have a lot to learn about this place." "I'm so excited to learn everything I can about this place aren't you excited too about learning about my culture in return."
"HEY I DIDN'T EXACTLY AGREE TO THIS YOU KNOW." Twilight frowned upon hearing this "Look I'll help you just need to follow a few rules ok."
"I understand and I kinda expected that after all I'm a guest and this is your house."
"Good now rule 1: We need a cover story for why your here so we to think of a believable one."
"Ok makes sense how I'm just a distant cousin from a foreign land."
"That could work but what about why you came here."
"How about I came to study American culture form a very unknown country."
"Ok then you came from Molossia"
"Wheres that?"
"It's in Nevada. Trust me very few people even know about it.
"then how do you know about it?"
"Internet movie and I'll explain the Internet later."
"Ok so now I got my story covered whats next?"
"Rule 2: when human always where some clothes. Tomorrow we are going to a store to get some human clothes you'll just pay me back later. Which is Rule 3: you need to get a job to pay your way around here."
"I sure that won't be hard I can do a lot with my magic."
"Rule 4: no magic in public Humans can't do magic"
"Well at least I can fly"
"No flying either"
"This is going to be harder than I thought."
"Whatever make a list of them if you have to. I'll go take a shower and I'll be back shortly just watch TV in the meantime."
"What's TV?"
"Looks like I got a lot to teach you. The remote is on the chair"
The man left to take his shower. Twilight found the remote but started analyzing it more than using it.
around 20 mintues later the man returned
"I just realized I never asked for your name, So whats your name?"
"Just call me Adam."
"OK Adam whats next?"
"First thing I am going to do is get you some Pajamas so you can take a shower to practice human cleaning. The soap bar for your body and shampoo is for your hair. If you have any questions just ask OK."
"Sure no problem" Said Twilight as Adam left to get her some pajamas he grabbed a simple white shirt and some sweat pants for her. He came back and gave Twilight the cloths to wear after the shower. She thanked him and took the shower while he sat down trying to fix the remote Twilight took apart to analyze. After failing to do that he decided to get one at Walmart tomorrow. Twilight then came out in her human form with the pajamas on. Now that she was clothed he got a good look at her. He wouldn't say this to her, but he thought she was cute with the dark purple hair with pink and purple strips he guessed she was about 5 foot 5 and thanks to her hands on the waist he could tell she had an hourglass figure. He also noticed that she had the mark on her flank moved to the back of her right hand "So what what are the sleeping arrangements?" Twilight asked
"Well, Twilight I thought hard about this and since I live alone and only have one bed." Adam said as he got up "you get to sleep on the couch."
"Well in Equestria"
"Let me just stop you there and say this is not Equestria." Adam said interrupting Twilight. "This is Earth and on Earth the Guest has to be polite and listen to the host OK."
"Fine but you still have help me learn everything I can about human culture." Twilight reminded him as he went to bed to fall asleep hoping this was all just a bad dream
Christ on a pogo stick. Let's take a look here.
First sentence:
.......Cave Johnson.
We're done here.
2545490
I thought you liked clam days. Better than oyster days.
2545490 hey don't judge an an entire chapter based off of one sentence
2545519 Oh, trust me, fella. You don't want us judging the entire thing.
2545525 I even put a warning that this was a rough draft and I need an editor to help me out
2545516
Scallop days are my favorite.
2545534 You don't need an editor, my friend. You need a guy with a chainsaw to clear cut this, then a flamethrower to burn the remains
2545552 ok that is a bit harsh didn't you even read the warning I put there for a reason
2545561 I think that there's some sort of legal obligation to put warnings on things that are hazardous to your health, so you don't quite get points there
2545608 I am trying to say that this is a rough draft (it is not yet finished, a general idea, a first try) so I can find an editor who likes the concept and will talk about ideas with to make it good while I enjoy writing it
2545608 dude dont be a troll
2545626 I wasn't gonna to say that myself but yeah
2545660 huh?
2545626 I call them like I see them. No crime in that.
I'm only stating the simple fact that he appears to have knocked out a dictionary in a dark alley and rummaged through its pockets for spare words which he then stuck on this page with a glue stick.
2545660 I dun get it![:rainbowhuh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowhuh.png)
2545702 you should look at your writing first be fore you comment
And thank you for you comment as well
2545711 ...Sorry, please come back when you've got an actual sentence
2545699 ok you don't like it fine and as much as you might hate this story I will state that I put a good amount of time to think up and type this story concept (Twilight Sparkle meeting cold reality while trying to help others) Now if dislike it please explain why you don't like so I can attempt to improve on it and we can agree to disagree ok.
Okay, so you for some reason seem unable to read back through your own work and fix the obvious spelling mistakes. You need a kick in the arse more than you need an editor, mate. 'Celstia'? Try 'Celestia'. You make this mistake with every usage of her name. 'Clam day'?
These are in the first paragraph alone... and then things take a detour into what I lovingly refer to as 'Pacing Limbo', where dialogue completely takes over the chapter.
roflcat.com/images/cats/Stop_Talking.jpeg
There's barely anything between the reams and reams of babble, and honestly it just makes me feel like the characters just kinda shuffle around from scene to scene, before basically planting their feet and hunkering down to begin verbal combat. They then spout dialogue at each other in a rather stilted manner... it hurts, man, sorry to say. It also sends your pacing into a nosedive, too. I mean, you introduce us to this whole mission thing, and also Adam, in the same chapter they actually meet each other. There's no dramatic tension to Celestia's request, and neither Twilight nor Adam's reactions are even slightly plausible. Twilight basically arrives and then suddenly Celestia's talking about multiverse theory with absolutely no preamble, there's no reaction whatsoever to the idea that humans actually exist, no real thoughts on the whole 'Going to an alien planet' shit.... Tell me, if you were suddenly told by a close friend who works in astrobiology that they'd found a legitimate martian city under the Valles Marineris, after a different friend babbled in your ear for hours at a time how 'UFOs are totally real, bro', and that you had the opportunity to visit them to observe their culture, don't you think you'd have more to say than 'Aliens? Sweet'? That reaction right there is utter horseshit, sorry to say it.
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Likewise, the way Twilight and Adam behave towards each other. Adam's reaction is... pretty far from human. He recovers far too fast (which is a pacing issue that hinges on this being crammed into one 1800 word chapter, filled mostly with endless dialogue), and he's far too nonchalant about the whole thing. Twilight seems kinda OOC too, in that she doesn't really question anything like I'd expect her to, she just kinda does as she's told a lot. Description is... lacking. Very lacking. I don't know what's going on, half the time, because the characters are too busy pontificating for you to adequately describe what they're doing. What does Twilight's 'human girl' body actually look like? We have no idea, it's just described as 'a human girl'. Well, that sure is helpful, isn't it princess?
Your grammar and punctuation use are abysmal, by the way. You barely even use capital letters correctly. Always capitalise after a full stop... Jesus Christ, I can't believe I have to tell you this. New speaker? New line! No exceptions! Spellcheck is important, so you can avoid embarrassments like 'Abilityies'. You don't need an editor for that shit, you need to get off your arse and learn to write. Now, the story elements will likely require a proofreader of some kind to sort out, because as it stands right now the fic looks... unsavoury. Not even on the writing style, which is poor and contains too much dialogue, but because nobody seems to behave in a believable manner, and the 'human/pony is teleported to Earth/Equestria via plot device' storyline is feeling like a horse that has been ridden to death, then beaten for good measure. If you need help with this, I'll give it a shot, but my honest opinion is that you should maybe try something a little less cliche, and read some writing guides first.
2545730 Alright.
It's clumsily written, filled with solid exposition, grammatically terrifying, barely any speech indicators, the ones that exist are 'he said she said', wrong words used, wrong forms of words used, transitions don't stand out, almost solid dialogue, said dialogue is stilted and awkward... Hmm, I'm not sure, but I think I'm missing a few things...
When punctuation is used, it's normally misused, that's another one
Here's the thing. When you say this:
at the start of your story you are in actuality saying, "I can't be bothered to actually work on this to get it right so I'm throwing it out there in the hopes that some kind soul will do all the hard work for me."
If you're going to be going about this all half-assed, by not working on it with an editor before sending it in for publishing, then you shouldn't be sending it out at all. You're going to get a good response and you're especially not going to get a lot of thumbs up for your work. And the ones you do get are for pity or from people that feel you've been unfairly maligned.
Do everybody a favour, including yourself, and take this story down to rework it before publishing it again.
I don't see why this is getting so much hate. It's not really that bad. I've seen much worse on this site. Some of them weren't even trollfics.
In any case, I am intrigued by this story, and slightly interested in helping to edit it, however, I will want to see more of this, before I stake myself down to it.
Now then,
Fuck yeah! Why do so many people not know the difference?!
Also:
1) It's "Molossia"
Was that a TGWTG reference?
2)
That was a TGWTG reference!![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
You need a
thinkgardner.com/img/virtual_cookie.jpg
2545534 I must concur. If you elect to ignore the very-much-existent warning at the top of the page and just dive right in, you really have no room to talk. And yes, the grammar, spelling, and punctuation, (among other things) are scary bad, but it bears potential to be an excellent story. It simply needs some work, is all. A LOT of work. That being said, I will edit it for you, if you wish. I sent you a PM with my email address in it. Beware: I am a bucking Grammar Nazi. Prepare for a complete deresolution and reconstruction.
2545519 Yet again, I must concur. Judging an entire story off of ONE sentence is foolish, somewhat arrogant, and ineffective in comparison to the entire story. Doing that, and then the whole story after that one sentence turns out to TOTALLY BUCKING BADASS, it makes the reader look like a complete moron. I would not advise doing so.
Prolific troll 8/10.
well its better then the previouse version. and there are more details but. its still pretty short. you say long but this is very short. Adam almost seem like he know more about twilight then she does of humans. does the world have the tv show?
one would have thought he would question twilight about the remote.
one would think he would explain humans can not fly or use magic.
nudity is taboo.
he doesn't seem to realise she probably can't get a job, because lack of id/greencard, credentials, ect.
just things to think about and work on.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
2548481 It won't always make sense cause it will have moments that won't make sense just so some characters will point out it doesn't make sense for comedic effect
Adam did tell Twilight the no magic no flight rule after she mentioned she could.
The remote was mainly a joke on how far Twilight would go to learn about anything.