And sing the song of angels everywhere
The gray fog of early morning wafted over the downtown area of Ponyville as two lone figures scurried through the muddy streets. They trotted up to the front entrance to Sugarcube Corner, shivering from the cold mist pelting them from all sides.
"Twilight..." Cup Cake gulped. "I don't mean to copy the attitude of the Amethyst Star, but I-I'm starting to think that this isn't such a good idea..."
"Mrs. Cake, I'm not asking you to put all your faith in me," Twilight hushedly said. "All I'm asking is that you just open the door for us."
"But... but what if—"
"Shhhh..." Twilight gazed up at the undulating cloud beds hanging darkly above. "The less time we linger out here, the better. Please..."
Mrs. Cake exhaled long and hard. "Alright, Twilight. Alright..." She raised a shaky hoof to the front door and pushed. "I still think we'd be a great deal safer back at your lab... Nnnngh..." She gritted her teeth, suddenly struggling against a door that refused to budge. She shoved harder and harder, her lower legs scraping against the muddy front steps. "Come on! What in Celestia's name could possibly be—?!"
At last, the door snapped open. Mrs. Cake plunged inside. Instantly, she was assaulted with a wave of rotting scents. After her last excursion through the bottom floor of Sugarcube Corner, she had come to expect that. What she didn't expect, however, was the flurry of paper sheets blowing past her muzzle and landing in the wet puddles outside.
"What... H-huh?!"
"What is it, Mrs. Cake?" Twilight leaned in, hobbling on three limbs. She instantly winced, spitting up some bile. "Ungh! Goddess! What... what is that stench?"
"This is a confectionery, Miss Sparkle. It's rotting milk, along with other spoiled baking ingredients—Where are you going?" She stammered.
"Inside..." Twilight Sparkle said, limping as swiftly as she could through the doorframe and into the dimly-lit eatery. "To investigate..."
"Investigate what?! Nopony was here when I woke up!"
"Shhh... Close the door quietly and come inside, if you can."
Trembling, confused, Mrs. Cake did as she was told. She pulled the door shut and spun around—freezing in sight upon what greeted her in the foyer.
The tables were stacked to the brim with scrolls, written sheets of paper, and clusters of what looked like canvas-bound manuals.
"What... in Tartarus...?!" Mrs. Cake gasped, stumbling forward. "I... I don't understand! What is this?!"
Twilight panted, glancing tiredly back at the mare. "You mean you didn't leave the place like this?"
"Most certainly not!" Mrs. Cake murmured. As Twilight illuminated the room dimly with her horn, she glanced down to see a pile of thick tomes that had acted as a doorstop to the front entrance. "This place was empty when I left it! I can't possibly understand how..." She froze in place, her features paling. "Oh dear. Miss Sparkle..." She looked over, her lips quivering. "What if... what if somepony's been here since I left a day and a half ago?"
"Possible..." Twilight's face scrunched as she hobbled over the books and manuals. The sheets of paper rustled like leaves before them. "Huh... There's a cold draft coming from upstairs..."
"I can't understand why..." Mrs. Cake murmured. "All the windows were closed. Heck, they were even boarded up."
Twilight turned around. She calmly pointed at an exposed sheet of glass lining the front foyer. "You mean like that window?"
Mrs. Cake's mouth hung agape. "That... That's not right..." She trotted briskly over, squinting closely at the wooden finish lining the edges of the window pane. "Why, th-there aren't even any holes for the nails! Miss Sparkle, I have no idea how this could have happened?"
"I'm just as dumbfounded as you, Mrs. Cake," Twilight murmured, hoofing through one of the many sheets of paper atop the middlemost table. "Especially right now..."
"Hmmm?" Mrs. Cake turned around to look at her.
Twilight took a shuddering breath. "These... These books..." The unicorn slapped the papers down and turned to take another survey of the room. "These are the very same books that were stolen from my library."
"St-stolen?" Mrs. Cake murmured. A tremble ran through her body. "You mean... the ones about—"
"—the June Jet Effect and the vibrational frequencies—the whole kit and kaboodle." Twilight turned and looked around slowly. "I don't like this. Not one bit."
Mrs. Cake blinked, then gasped sharply. With one hoof rested over her mouth, she rushed over to Twilight's side and whispered into her ear. "Miss Sparkle, what if... what if the pony responsible is in here?"
"How so?"
"Wh-what if he took up residence overnight?!" Mrs. Cake wrung her hooves, trembling from head to tail. She gazed at the adjacent hallway and the steep stairwell leading to the second level. Every shadow was suddenly fraught with horror and suspense. "He could be here this very second! Watching us trying to undermine his plot! Ready to pounce on us at any second!"
"Maybe..." Twilight rubbed her chin in thought. She turned around, her nose scrunching. "Then again..."
"Twilight...?" Mrs. Cake made a face as the unicorn trotted towards the swinging doors to the kitchen.
"That smell is really, really awful," Twilight muttered. She opened one door and peered in. "Just how much milk did you have sitting in your fridge, anyhow—?" Her voice was cut off. She stood absolutely still.
Mrs. Cake gazed at the many, many imposing books as she replied, "I... I-I can't say for sure. I c-can't be certain of anything anymore. It's been two days since I did anything in this kitchen... and yet it's been two weeks... and I'm just s-so confused..." She ran a hoof through her soaked pink mane. Gulping, she became aware of the silence that had consumed the moment. "Twilight?" Pale-faced, she glanced over. "Miss Sparkle?"
Twilight hung on one of the doors with her back to the mare. "Mrs. Cake..." she spoke in a cold, icy tone. "Just stay where you are..."
"Miss Sparkle..." Cup Cake trotted over, briskly. "What is it that you see?"
"Please, whatever you do, don't look in here—" Twilight reached a hoof out.
Cup Cake brushed her limb away, burst through the doors, and froze. A sharp breath left her. Tears welled up in her eyes as she gazed woefully at the tile floor. "C-Carrot...?" she stammered. "Carrot, darling?"
Twilight was silent as stone.
She wasn't the only one. Cup Cake fell to her knees, her lips quivering. She reached a hoof forward and shook his yellow shoulder. "Honey, move. Say s-something, sweety-bun. Carrot, it's me, your Cup Cake. Carrot...?" She turned her husband's head aside.
"Mrs. Cake, don't—"
"Mmmm!" Cup Cake covered her muzzle with two hooves. Her tearful eyes reflected a deep, deep slit cut across the stallion's throat. The tears obscured the image, falling to the floor with the same gravity as the mare's ensuing sobs. She teetered over, nuzzling him dearly, moaning into his blood-stained coat. "Nnnnnngh—Please! No! Please, Celestiaaaaaa, nooooooo..."
Twilight bit her lip, trotting forward from the swinging doors to lean against one of the refrigerators. The light from her horn shone across the floor, showing where the thick puddles of blood had run into the grooves of the tile and hardened.
"Mmmmmm-Goddessssss..." Cup Cake further wailed, shaking Carrot Cake's body with her constant heaves and sobs. "Mmmmm-Nnngh... Who... I-I mean how... Wh-when?!"
"It... It couldn't have happened that long ago," Twilight uttered in a dull, emotionless tone. Nevertheless, she gulped and steadied her own breath as she said, "I mean, from the way the blood has dried, and what shape the body is still in. I'd venture to guess that he was murdered over the last forty-hours. No more than three days ago, tops..."
"But... b-but that's impossible!" Cup Cake glared up at her, hissing through clenched teeth as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I was just here thirty-six hours ago at the most! And he wasn't here! Nothing was here!"
"You... you sure you were alone in this place when—?"
"Miss Sparkle, I know what I saw and what I didn't see! And this..." She whimpered, brushing the stallion's orange mane as she sniffled. "This travesty must have happened right after I-I left. Maybe the pony responsible for this t-took my beloved hostage! I-I don't know! I'm just so confused..."
"You're right, it doesn't make sense..." Twilight glanced around the lengths of the kitchen, warding off the stench of decay with flaring nostrils. "To be perfectly honest, nothing has made sense as of late. At least not since you joined—" She froze, blinking.
Cup Cake sniffled. She looked squarely up at Twilight. "What is it?"
"This... This is still downtown," Twilight murmured in thought. "It's still within the radius of what the detector told me..."
"Yes, so?"
"Mrs. Cake..." Twilight fidgeted, glancing down at the mare. "Isn't it... I mean..." She gulped. "Didn't Mr. Cake once tell me that you were one-quarter pegasus on your mother's side—?" Twilight suddenly turned her head and slammed it against the refrigerator.
Cup Cake gasped from where she sat. "Twilight! What are you—?"
Twilight rammed the refrigerator again... and again and again. She pummeled her skull against the metal surface at full force. Her body writhed and her neck fought the motions as she coughed and gurgled up blood.
"Miss Sparkle! What on earth?!" Cup Cake shot up, eyes wide. "You're h-hurting yourself! Stop it!"
Twilight answered with a sputtering shriek, then plowed herself into the nearby wall like a ragdoll. Her horn snapped off like a twig. With a spark of mana, her eyes rolled back. She fell down besides Carrot Cake's body, vomiting up teeth and chunks of her own tongue. After two or three fitful spasms, her body laid still, and she did not move again.
Mrs. Cake stared in horror. She slowly shook her head, her teeth chattering in the buildup of a monumental scream. Instead, she whimpered, "Twilight... Twilight, why did you... how...?" She reached towards the dead mare, but froze in place. Blinking, she raised her forelimb in the glow of the gray morning rising outside the windows. Then she raised the other forelimb.
Both of her hooves were covered in blood. Fresh, slick, warm blood.
Cup Cake's jaw quivered. A familiar ringing noise filled her ears, the same tone that greeted her at every waking blink. She looked down at Twilight.
Two bloodstains marked the unicorn's neck just below her ears.
Mrs. Cake stumbled back. She clenched her eyes shut. The ringing in her ears intensified. No matter how hard she clenched her teeth, it would not go away.
Then, at last, like a tiny kitten mewling, a voice cried through the resonating silence.
She gasped, both of her ruby eyes flinging open. She heard the murmur again, this time pleading. Trotting about in a numb lurch, Mrs. Cake left the horrid smell of rotten milk. She pushed through the kitchen doors, gazing silently at the empty lengths of Sugarcube's abandoned foyer. Something rustled in the distance, like dry paper or falling leaves. At the end of it, the ringing tone undulated, then produced the whimper yet again. It was coming from upstairs.
"Hello?" Mrs. Cake trotted towards the bottom of the steps. She froze in place, waiting for the cry. It came, and her heart jumped. "Pumpkin?" She gulped. "P-Pound? My darlings...?"
She trotted up the steps. She galloped up the steps. She blurred past boarded windows and the prevailing shadows of that cold, cold sepulcher of a house. She came upon the upstairs hallway. She glided like a ghost past her bedroom and practically burst through the nursery door.
She skidded to a stop, exhaling in shock. The bright light of morning shone on her squinting eyes, followed by a cold draft of rainy wind. The entire north wall of the nursery was missing, blown away as if from some epic burst of magical power, and in its epicenter there levitated a vibrating orange crystal upon a black dais.
But Cup Cake's eyes weren't fixated on the chunk of reverberating Topaz. Nor was she eyeing the bubbling black clouds above for any signs of pegasi. Instead, she trotted towards a pile of pillows in the center of the room. There was a smell to this place too, but instead of rotten, it was musky, like year old leather being hung out to dry. She glanced in one corner and saw an overturned crib with some unicorn-shaped lump lying inside. Ignoring it, she looked at the other corner and saw a tiny casket, hanging open and spilling loose clumps of dirt.
She approached the throne of cushions, for situated upon it was a tiny figure wrapped in woolen cloth. Slowly, with motherly grace, she parted the blankets. She looked at what lay within. Her face scrunched up. When the next tears came, they were as solid as the rain, falling down and cascading over his dried-up face, his eyeless sockets, his tiny curled forelimbs, his stubby wings. She bowed down low and buried her face in his little belly with more adoration than she had with Carrot. The wails came in waves of hysteria, punctuated by one phrase and one phrase alone.
"My little cherub... my sweet, handsome little cherub..."
She hugged him. She cradled him. She would have devoured him, hadn't a gust of cold, blistering winds blown at her figure, raising the hairs on the back of her neck, ushering the ringing back into her ears. The vibration ran through her teeth, producing a deep-throated snarl from the back of her throat.
"Why did you do this...?" A breathy voice echoed across the walls that were left standing in the room. "Why d-did you let this happen to him...?!"
With a rising growl, she raised her face up and screamed towards the sky.
"I hate you!" the mare shouted, her eyes tiny and inflamed, like a demon's. "I hate you! Do you have any idea what I've lost?! You have no idea! You don't understand pain! You can’t!"
Seething, heaving, Mrs. Cake let her gaze fall, precipitating like cold sleet over the colorful, happy rooftops of Ponyville. The ringing in her ears intensified. Her eyes rolled back in her head, mixing the grayness with the black. She gnashed her teeth and flung a venomous glance at the hovering shard of Topaz.
The glistening crystal reflected a succubus' face, its facial muscles stretching to the breaking point.
Like a viper, she hissed into the deafening ring. The sound was splitting her head, so she split the room instead, crossing over in a single bound and shoving the magical crystal clear off the second story of the burnt, sundered building. All she heard for a few seconds was her panting breaths against the unstoppable bells. Then, there was a scrumptious crack...
And the ringing stopped.
Mrs. Cake fell to her knees, a look of pain ripping across her face. Against the silence she hung, almost as if she was nailed to it. Then, hole by hole, puff by puff, the clouds above parted.
She tilted her head up, gazing bravely into the zenith. Pure sunlight washed over the rooftops of Ponyville, and it was not alone. The blue sky brought with it shadows, and all of them writhing, falling, filling the air with thrashing, flailing limbs.
And slowly, unpeeling like dead skin, the first of many, many screams fell with them. The raindrops clinging to the buildings shook. The air echoed with a melody of terror, a hysterical chorus performed by the plummeting populace of that undeservedly happy landscape.
"Oh, my little cherub," Mrs. Cake murmured into the coalescing shadows of the corpses-to-be. "So beautiful..." A tear rolled down her cheek, stopping only at a wide, wide grin. "Just like Mommy promised you. The song of angels..."
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Well, that was gruesome. And scary as hell. What a twist, too...
Ho-lee sheeeet.
There are no words.
You probably could have spent some more time at the bookends of this one. Fleshing out the isolation and dazed confusion of Cup at the start and calling back to that with some clarity at the end. The middle sections follow along like a standard horror narrative should, so not much to say there other than that those sections, too, could use some fleshing out to move them from "standard horror" into something a little more psychological in nature. Otherwise your characters stick to their singular roles, Twilight included. That said, the inclusion of Time Turner is a big plus as it helps spread the load of Twilight's purpose. Of course, the "borrowed" idea of falling bodies really helps in the "fucking terrifying" department, here. Something like Left 4 Dead meets The Ring.
If you decide to do horror again, or submit it to EqD, I'd let it sit for a day or two before posting and give it a few revision passes.
This is the darkest thing I've ever read. Holy cannejus beezus, Skirts.
Wow, you really do crank these stories out. Impressive.
Will I read it? Absolutely. Right now? I don't know. I fear the dark places this story will certainly lead. I think I'm going to wait until its dark to break into this one.
Ah, dammit... Not the Weeping Angels again!
Wow, this was a pretty good story and I liked the way you disguised Cheerilee's and Twilight's murders with suicides, but unfortunately it feels just a bit lacking to me. It felt weird to read and notice that Twilight just seemingly brushed off the fact that her best friends were gone. Hell, Rainbow Dash's mindless husk tried to kill her and Mrs. Cake, and she just seemed to forget about it ten minutes later. Another thing that bothered me, although not as much, is the fact that the two foals just seemed like plot-devices, and not actual characters (Yes, I know that they meant more than that, but that's what it felt like).
I could go on, but I'm not going to nitpick all the little things and ignore fact that the good overshadows the bad in this story. All-in-all it was certainly a great read, but definitely not your best.
Holy shit.
Alright. Colour me utterly spookified.
The whole grabbing and dropping thing really took this one step above the normally far too zombie-centric scenario. Though I can agree with some previous commenters that the kids could have gotten a little more characterization, and even though I'm not usually a fan of memory-losss or self-deluded characters, I throughly enjoyed the story. And who should you steal from, if not the masters? Even though I have read most of Ito's work, I can't say that it seemed too familiar.
As a thank you, have this link. It's Not Entirely Unrelated.
If this had happened to the Iranians, I would be very pleased.
Alas, it had just been more gruesome pony deaths. Blah.
I'm a biologist. I see more internal organs than anyone but an organ surgeon and a medical examiner. I ain't shocked by gore. Give me a story that's logically sound.
This is... This is just... Wow.
Oh, my god. Oh... Oh god........ Why do I read "dark" fics?!
In the description, I'd ask you to consider removing the periods and the quotes to make it more poetry-y. Although, I suspect I'm wrong to suggest such a thing.
Ch.1
I am certainly enjoying this. I know you want and try to write comedy (we can talk about that some other time if you want), but I personally believe your niche is in grimdark and evoking feels, especially when it comes to horror and toying with the mind, and I hope by now you know that too. It certainly shows here.
And, for the love of all, Cup Cake? I can't really think of another character that actually has a canon life but is so there they're almost in the background and I have given so little thought about. This is certainly going to help paint a picture in my mind of her, one way or another. I must say that character choice for the environment is superb. My only solid complaint to raise is why is she not thinking of Pinkie Pie, but that's a trivial thought right now. I'm loving this, and I will read more.
Ch.2
Best pony makes her debut, nice. I must say, I really love how you portrayed her. Heck, her, Caramel, and Twilight especially. You got the calm and mindset leader, the one who's more frustrated than anything that he's basically useless and openly vents it, and the one who tries to follow the leader but under her façade she's just as frustrated as the other guy, or in an even worse state so it seems. Cheerilee and Time Turner don't really click with me for whatever reason, and I'm thinking they might exist simply to fill the roles they play. Not to say that's bad at all. The characters are solid and keep acting how they were originally presented to us. Not to mention the plot and goal is effortlessly given and seems natural with how it was presented.
You know, I swear I've heard this concept somewhere before. A crude twist on the rapture where the angels descend from heaven to wreck havoc on the lands, which I speculate might've been your inspiration for this story. Or you could've just gone into a Dr. Pepper-induced coma and started seeing things.
Ch.3
In the chapter title, there's two L's in "You'll."
Alas, poor Lyra, we hardly knew thee. And that poor Cheerilee forgot her parachute.
Rainbow Dash! How nice of you to join us. I like how you made her be the one to drop Big Mac, putting emphasis on exactly what the party was dealing with. Rule #32, man. Rule #32.
I've heard about how your fight scenes are... dragged out, but I think this one with Rainbow Dash was executed just fine. The scene with Ditzy was horrific and I felt very much pleased with it. Time Turner's and Amethyst Star's deaths might have been a tad cliché, but they were well deserved and satisfying. I especially loved the whole "she was there one second ago" aspect of Amethyst's death, not to mention she was pulled out grotesquely and through a doggy-door of all things. Cheerilee's death was unexpected to say the least, but it didn't necessarily shock me. I don't think it needed it to, but it would've been nice for me the feel that. Then again, a fan of the grimdark myself, it just might be my psyche.
Ch.4
This is getting added to my favorites for sure. That's all I can really say about how I feel right now. Hell, I think this is just as good as if not better than Last Tears. I'm assuming you wrote this in three days, and I hope you're proud of it. Because this is a great story. It might not be chilling in the same aspect that Home Is Where The Harp Is was, and certainly not as seemingly hopeless as Unfinished, but this sort of horror is something to respect. It's admittedly a bit cliché, what with the story's hero finding a party and having them all picked off one-by-one until the protagonist is all that remains, but as I like to say, clichés be damned. I don't care how overdone an idea is, but it if it can be adapted, molded, and executed in an original and engaging way like this story was, then it's most likely worth reading. Which this story is.
The one thing I really appreciate is the complete and total mystery of everything. Heck, we don't even know if this was all some macabre dream. You don't answer questions—like where the crystal came from, the books, what happened to Caramel—because they don't need to be answered, and instead stick solely to hovering over Cup Cake's shoulder. Doing it from that perspective, in my opinion, was probably what made the story. Well done, good sir. You've made me horrified once again and I couldn't be happier.
Huh. So that's what reviewing is like. I think. I did just do a review, right?
One of the best Tomato In The Mirror stories I've ever seen!
Particularly liked what happened to Ditzy. Becoming a monster is one thing, but it's extra-horrible in her case considering her sweet nature beforehand.
Warning: This comment contains massive spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
I'm very conflicted as to how my thumb is going to go for this story. On the one hoof, this is one of the most intense, shocking, gripping stories I've ever read; on the other hoof, there were quite a few technical problems I had with it that really hindered my enjoyment of this. I'll split this comment up into positives first, and then I'll talk about what I didn't like about it.
Keep in mind, as I give critiques for this story, that I'm an idiot that has a hard time coherently and cohesively putting together his thoughts. You are free to ignore the critiques. They are not meant to insult or discourage; they are meant merely to offer suggestions as to how you may improve in the future.
With that out of the way, let's begin with the positives:
The most striking part of this story is that it is dark and terrifying. I'll admit to not reading the poem you have linked at the end, so I don't know if the poem gives the story any significant context, but on its own, the mere thought of pegasi acting crazy and lifting earth ponies and unicorns up into the air just to drop them to their deaths making me shudder.
The way the plot progresses is creepy as well. I like how it begins with an action scene almost immediately, after searching through her house, she is not immediately attacked by the pegasi, but once that starts up it becomes an uphill battle for survival. As the all-the-way survivor group is formed, and dwindled, more mystery is formed along the way, and the reveal at the end was... well, I'll mention that later.
The character dynamic is fantastic in this. Having two conflicting parties, one that hates the pegasi, and one that sympathizes with them, not only comments on the external conflict, but also creates internal conflict within their own society. I definitely like how the group dynamic changes as characters are killed off; that tells me that you had a firm rein of your characters in this story, and I appreciated that.
The setting itself was skin-crawlingly vivid. I don't think there was a single unwanted detail in it, and everything painted a bleak, frightening picture. I don't have much more to say about it; I think setting is one of your strongest points when it comes to writing, as you seem to know how to make it come alive.
The final positive is the point-of-view. Telling this from third-person Mrs. Cake's POV allowed us to explore a lot of oddities about her life, and I thought that was interesting. If I'm not mistaken, Cup Cake killed both Cheerilee and Twilight, but we don't realize it, really, from the start. Telling it from her POV allowed you to hide things well, making the intrigue both with her and the situation much higher. I think you chose a wonderful POV for this.
In conclusion, You handled the characters' roles, the setting and the concept well to create a truly gripping story.
Now for the technical crap, or what I didn't like about this story:
I think your biggest weakness
as a writeris that you have a lot of dead similes. I don't think a single animal-related metaphor—the snake's hiss, the dog wiping its face on the ground, the prairie falcon swooping in on its prey—works to your advantage, as they all just distracted me (the barracuda one was particularly bad).Another bad one was in chapter 1:
So what? What image is that supposed to conjure up? Why do we need to know that it's like that? What does it do for the tone that describing her exertions cannot? I don't think this sentence did anything except take up space.
The worst of them was in chapter 3:
Why? Twilight is trying to rally her remaining friends after they witnessed death and insanity up-close, and she actually adds an image of a candle to describe her device getting a signal? Is that to symbolize hope? If so, then I think it's much too clunky to work here.
Moving away from similes, there's the bit about time management that I feel needs to be addressed. Two things in here particularly confused me:
1. How are they able to sustain themselves for two weeks? It's clear that the food has gone bad, so how do they eat? What do they eat? Going out is a suicide mission, so I don't think they could ransack the farm. And does their plumbing work? If so, do they get drinkable water? Or do they get muddy, bloody gunk? I feel like these needed to be addressed, since they survived for two whole weeks in this hell.
2. How large is Ponyville? As far as I can picture it, it's a relatively small town with a not-so-large population. This is a comment on at least one body dropping every hour, which I find hard to believe, since this has been going on for two weeks. They'd have run out of bodies to carry up, right?
I just feel like the ramifications of the dilemma at this set time had some holes in it that made it less believable than it should've been.
These, however, may just be me being an idiot and missing something evident in the text. If that's the case, I apologize for that.
I believe I have one more complaint, and this is about the dialogue. Some of it doesn't make sense given the situation they're in, and some of just doesn't seem to sound right. There are five examples that stick out to me:
I thought the immediate issue was the large crashing, as well as the ringing and Carrot Cake being missing. I just don't see why she'd immediately ask for the time. I personally see the immediate question as "What was that?" or "Where are you?"
She just tried to take off a plank off of a window, and she's wondering why it's dark? I think the more immediate question would be "Why are the windows boarded?" Or "Why is our window boarded?"
I'm sorry, but after receiving the news about deadly crazy pegasi, and finding out Twilight may have a solution, I can't imagine her being gentle through all of this. I'd more imagine her being either shocked beyond words, frantic at the living hell, or frantic to grasp onto this salvation. I can't imagine her saying that she saw her tinkering with something (in the way she's saying it in the story) and I definitely can't see it being done gently.
How, in her frantic attempt to escape and her unconscious period afterwards, does she know that she's been out for a half-hour? I know this could be excused as guess-timation, but I'm questioning why that's in there at all. For me, at least, it blunts the panic that happened in the previous scene, somehow making Mrs. Cake observe something that wasn't in the immediate threat (if that makes sense).
This is probably me being a nitpicky bastard, and I apologize for that, but why "half"? Why not "most" or even "all"? The way "half" is being used here seems to blunt the overwhelming despair that's settling in at this point.
In conclusion, your word choice could use some work, as well as your similes.
And there are my thought on this story. My thumb can't go either way, unfortunately... but I'm going to favorite it. I really felt for the emotional parts of it, and what works is phenomenal. There were just too much technical stuff that bothered me to really "like" it. I will be favoriting it, though, so that I may look at this and perhaps learn about what makes such evocative literature as this.
And I'd like to stress that none of my criticisms are meant to be taken as insults or discouragers; they are suggestions from a moron about how you may improve your future works.
I wish you the best of your talents with your next story!
EDIT: I took out the phrase "as a writer" in referring to your weakness, since I've not read everything you've produced, and therefore wouldn't be able to truly ascertain your greatest weakness.
Well, I just finished reading this and it's now currently 1:20 AM. Also, I'm hearing strange noises outside as I type this. Lock and load, it's gonna be a loooong night.
Oh fuck, you wrote THIS story? D: I'm going to wait until I've got a few hours of daylight to read this one, Skirts. Remind me to begin your "happy story" training soon, too.
Amazing fic!
Somehow, this fic reminds me of Resident Evil by the reason T-Virus were made and consequence of the action (except for the twist of course).
And my head suddenly hurt now.
whats the story about?
10 things.
1. Why did Cheerillee kill herself? She was just saying children, and then commited suicied.
2. Why did twilight killer herself? Cupcake had not been a threat so far, so why kill your self because your with an earth pony quarter pegasus?
3. If Pound cake died a year and half ago, why was he in the nursury?
4. What happened to pumpkin?
5. Was the fact Cupcake couldn't remember anything from the past year and a half * I suposse she lost her memory after the night she sent pound to bed, the night he died * because she is quarter pegasus?
6. What happened to the fillies and colts that were pegasus? Surly the younger pegasia haven't ALL died?
7. Why didn't they just leave Ponyville? Sure Amethist's sister died trying to do that, but why not try again? Not like it'll happen every time you try escaping.
8. Why was the signal so strong in town hall if it was in SugarCube Corner?
9. What happens once you are above the clouds?
10. Was is JUST in Ponyville? If so, why just there?
2531306
Well, reading the story as a whole, it looks an awful lot like I was dead on with it. But in the context of just three chapters, it was a guess based on all the weirdness surrounding Cup Cake. Her waking up after two weeks, somehow still safe, her memory of Pound Cake differing from everybody else's, and the stark difference between normal, peaceful Ponyville and stormy, chaotic Ponyville that seems to revolve around her.
2531266 Cheerillee and Twilight didn't kill them selves it was Mrs Cake who killed them, obviously Cup Cake dug up Pound Cake's grave
, Sugarcube corner is near town hall and remember twilight's tool isn't pin point accurate, the rage of the crystal doesn't go on forever...seems you were skipping sentences.
Well, skirts, what can I say about this...
I really did like it. Something at this level of grimdark usually isn't my thing, but you kept me very interested throughout by keeping the tension at maximum and, more importantly, keeping the mystery hanging over our heads. It kinda felt like an episode of Twilight Zone in that respect, and given that I consider it to be the greatest show of all time (next to MST3K, of course) you absolutely had me wanting to read more.
There was a nice balance between tense action and exposition, and the exposition never felt tell-y. Given how we only have a few chapters to meet them, I think you did a great job with characterization, especially with Amethyst. Cheerilee felt like Cheerilee, which is always a plus in my book.
My only issue with the story... at the end, I had the "Ohhhhhhhh!" moment, and was able to sort of connect all the dots. My only problem is regarding one of the swerves... namely, Pound Cake being dead. You hinted at it, but the hints almost seemed a bit too obvious. I was able to figure out that swerve basically after one hint was dropped, but then several more were dropped throughout the story. Through figuring out that one swerve, I sort of had an inkling that Mrs. Cake was behind it all, which was right on the money. Not that that's a bad thing! Finding out you're right makes you smile and enjoy the story all the more sometimes. But sometimes, the best kind of swerves are ones where there was a very brief hint, disguised as flavor text, that the reader doesn't notice until the swerve happens, then they go back through the fic until they find the hint again.
But that may just be me. Big thumbs up to this story, it was dark and disturbing and tense, exactly what you want out of a story like this.
And extra points for Mrs. Cake turning out to be the psychotic antagonist. Every story I've seen with her, and even one I've written, involve her being a happy, friendly, motherly character to everyone. It was refreshing to see her in a different light.
2531612 But how did Mrs Cake kill them?
Yeah, guess I did miss some lines...
O_O holy crap i loved this story
2532299 It doesn't matter either way, as long as it got noticed.
2532486 I reviewed at the end of the story. The grammar issue was just along the way.
2531266
Keep in mind that we now know that Cup Cake is 1/4 Pegasus. She would be slightly affected by the Topaz. (I actually don't think that would make sense in real life, but whatever.) Now, at the beginning of the fic, she wakes up to see her windows boarded up, and empty nursery, and no one there at all. However, later on, we learn that Pound Cake has been dead for a year and a half. Obviously, Cup Cake's memory has been affected somehow. Now, here's my theory - since she is 1/4 Pegasus, she would, periodically, succumb to the vibrations and go berserk. During these periods, the "rational" part of her brain would only see what she wanted to see. She woke up and killed her only remaining child without realizing it. She didn't see the body or anything - she only saw an empty nursery. She never saw all those scrolls that she stole - she saw her living room. She didn't see herself kill her husband - she saw an empty kitchen. The same goes for Twilight and Cherilee. Cherilee didn't jump off of Town Hall - Cup Cake pushed her. Twilight didn't kill herself - Cup Cake beat her to death. Her mind just wouldn't let her see the truth. Nor did it let her see Pound Cake's casket or the Topaz, which I still don't have an explanation for. Frankly, it's amazing in the story, but skirts, it doesn't make any sense when you break it down. Why would Cup Cake do something like that and how would she even know about it? Granted, she could've gotten the information from the scrolls she stole, but why would she do something this horrible? Anyways, yeah.
1: Read the above paragraph, please.
2: Again, above paragraph.
3: Remember all that dirt on the casket? Someone, presumably Cup Cake, dug it up. Why? Perhaps she had just gone insane at that point, there isn't enough evidence to know for certain.
4:
There you go. She must've killed Pumpkin when she first woke up along with Carrot.
5: That's the only explanation that I can think of. The frequency might have a memory altering affect on those who are part, but not all, Pegasus?
6: Unfortunately, they probably all went just as berserk as the adults.
7: Too dangerous and too risky. Open ground a hundred miles until Canterlot? No thanks.
8: Both buildings were in the downtown area, and Twilight's signal wasn't perfect. I imagine that it grew warmer in Town Hall because the Hall was close to Sugarcube Corner.
9: The Pegasus' brains have been hardwired to carry living things upwards, above the clouds. The pegasi would just hold their victims there until their arm strength gave out and they would drop whatever they were holding.
10: Just Ponyville. I imagine the Topaz' field of effect is limited.
Hope that helps.
2533207 Oh, that makes sense. I made a dumb comment, and I apologize.
Dayum. That was some creepy ass schtick.
First time reading it through and it was a chillingly effective read. From the slightly more subtle horrors such as the "thump" of a corpse falling on roof and just the concepts involved, to the brutal execution of several of the characters; the whole thing was haunting.
Yet I feel that when you add everything up, the plot probably doesn't work - going beyond the 'leaving things unknown' explanation.
But meh, suspension of disbelief engaged, bloody enjoyable read. Keep 'em coming, Skirts.
Read it. Holy crud. Not the story I was expecting, but this was great and horrific. Nice work.
I can clap to this.
2533301 Thank's, that help's alot.
2538058Don't mention it.
Not what woke her up.
Well, I am thoroughly creeped out.
The twist at the end was cool, but the story felt kind of cliché in its progression.
At any rate it did a far better job than Tinnitus in my opinion.
Your story..... was seriously good. Kiiinda got an uncomfortable sleep after reading the whole thing in one night by myself but overall, you sir! Are a horrific genius!
Wow that was one dark story.
I saw it coming as soon as Twilight asked to got to mrs. Cakes house.
One thing I don't get however. Can anyone explain why Twilight would lose It and kill herself like that after realizing... Something.
So, here's my understand of the story, and please correct me if I've misunderstood, because I feel like I have.
1. Cup Cake stole all the info about the stone from Twilight's library.
2. Somehow, she got a hold of the stone.
3. She murdered her husband when he tried to stop her from vibrating the stone, which she did, successfully.
4. She hoped to bring her baby back to life.
5. She could not deal with what she had done, so she repressed all memories of the entire situation.
6. She left her dissociated state two weeks later after doing who-knows-what, and her mind erased the proof of what she saw as she went through her home.
7. The rest of the story is as described in the chapters.
Am I missing something? Also, what I don't understand; Cheerilee and Twilight; are some non-pegasi affected, too? Plus, wouldn't CupCake be an even bigger candidate for turning crazy, considering she is already -part- pegasi? And why did her baby -not- come back to life as a crazy monster? Why wasn't he affected?
I AM CONFUS
Still, this was probably the best grimdark MLP fiction I've read yet, and I've read everything from Sweet Apple Massacre to fLuTtEr, so that's a compliment.
2533301
Well, she clearly has a pre-existing grief-induced-psychosis about her son's death; She'd do anything, even use the sunstone, because it could bring back animals and ponies from the dead, regardless of all the implications.
2583901Ah. That makes more sense than what I was thinking. I couldn't remember which baby was the pegasus and which was the unicorn - I assume that the one who had died was the pegasus?
2585155
Yes, he even died of a wing disease.
2586869Then that makes a lot more sense. Thanks.
2583885
Cheerilee's death and Twilight's death are given from Cup Cake's perspective. And she is crazy. And after Twilight 'goes berserk' Cup Cake mysteriously has blood on her hooves. I'll let you do the math.
2583885>>2530152
Hey, how do you do the spoiler text, where it's black until you scroll over it?
2666898 [spoiler]Text[/spoiler]
This was beautiful. This was heart wrenching and utterly beautiful. They say that pain is a terrible thing, I see the beauty in misery. The world isn`t happy go lucky, it`s devastating and full of emotion. This story brings me a happiness that stems from insanity. This was a glorious piece of writing. This is full of terrible tragedy... and I love it.
I have a few questions though. Why did Cherilee and Twilight kill themselves? Why didn`t she stop and realize "Hey, isn`t one of my children a pegasus?"? If he had been alive he would`ve killed her. Why didn`t she worry about Pinkie? She was like her daughter. Why are you such a great writer/author? How do you sing the song? I sing it to the tune of the song Hush Little Baby. Why is the story called Herald? Why didn`t she care enough about her daughter to look at the dead body? I also don`t get the end. Mystery is also part of what makes a great story, there doesn`t always have to be answers.
I read the other comments and now understand the story. The pieces fit together. I still have some questions from my previous comment, but I now understand most after reading the end again. I missed some lines entirely. I missed the blood on her forelegs, the unicorn lump in the corner and the casket. This is even more remarkable now. You have outdone yourself and I have the utmost respect for you.
I think "horrifying" is too sissy of a word to describe this.