Alright, so, i'm far from proud of this disgrace of a story, but i was half-blackmailed into it, so i had very little choice. The thing is, i'm not proud of most of my stories, so let me know what you think. I didn't deviate to much from the normal sadness, dark, drama sort of writing that i usually do, i just incorperated shipping elements into my regular routine. Again, comments welcome, especailly critiques. Oh, and there is absolutely no excuse for the ending. I don't know, i guess i'm used to writing chapter fics, so i kinda just left it there.
Chapters (1)
I'm so confused. It's like it has no sense of direction. Good writing, your prose is well-formed. However... Let's just point out the elephant, here. It's like a blind dog, wandering aimlessly until it reaches the final destination and lays down to rest the sleep eternal. I'd continue the story, and give it a sense of purpose. I was enthralled, but left wanting.
~E.C.
199799 FINALLY! You have to be the first person in months to actually give me solid FEEDBACK. And, i will say i can understand where you get this from. I'm supposed to be telling the story by delving into the thoughts running through Pinkie's head, but, obviously i did a pitiful job. Thank you!
It made sense, but it's lacking a bit in... completeness? It's like you jump too quickly through too few scenes in Pinkie's memory. Kissing Dash to Kissing Twilight to Talking to Dash in a bedroom... they're all kinda connected, but too loosely. You either need a couple more flashbacks, or maybe cuts between each to Pinkie's shattered thoughts as she lies (lie or lay, by the way. Not ly) on the floor thinking about everything she wanted, everything she did, and how it all went wrong.
You have a really powerful premise, and a pretty good execution. It's just a little too thin.
208480 Thanks for the feedback! (btw, ly is how i spell it, just as colour, honour, practise, etc. It's more classic and didn't need to be changed to lie) Well, i never really thought of it like that. Maybe if i do another story like this, i'll include more.
Thank you again, very helpful!
209220 Except that colour, honour and practise are all actually words. They are legitimate ways to spell those words. Ly, by contrast, is not a word. It has always been lay or lie. Ly is merely a suffix for English words. Apart from that, basically what the other two said. It's a solid idea and the execution isn't too bad, but it could certainly benefit from more volume to properly portray what's going on. You may also want to consider reading it through a couple times before posting to fix minor spelling/grammar issues.
321622 Nice catch. I thought perhaps all of you would let that one slip.
ok, first of all, this somehow seems a bit out of place
1st its Pinkie all sad, and I get that, when it shifts from Dash to Twi, I don't even understand why that is necessary.
And if it weren't for the italicizing, I doubt I could tell what was the past and what was the present
and at the end, it seems the last part that is, maybe, set in the past, it kinda merges with the present, which really doesn't seem practical
the reason for a part of writing to be set in the past is either directly related to the plot or it's a flashback, neither of those fit this story
...
Okay.
I feel slightly... crazy, now. God damn, I feel really, really weird. I don't think it's the heat, it doesn't normally make me feel like this.
You've managed to bewilder me. Completely and utterly, because I'm not even sure what's going on anymore.
Without the addition of the side effects, the story seems pretty good, but I think that it should of been Twilight with Pinkie in the last scene. Rainbow Dash isn't the kind to hold a calm demeanour, she's more of an extremist - exited, angry, energetic. Of course, she can relax, but she'd be more likely to attack the situation with an emotion, instead of being calm and stable.
Twilight, on the other hand, is knowledgeable, wise, and is the kind to do everything with careful consideration. She would of decided that whatever emotion she came in with would hurt Pinkie, and would therefore come in with none at all, instead acting like a parent who's advice was ignored, and pointing out where it all went wrong, bluntly as possible, all the while subliminally assuring Pinkie that all would be okay.
Just like dash did.
Other than that, it's a beautifully written piece. It's touching ,and though an explanation could be in order, it's probably better to leave us readers wondering - with all this information, we've probably made false connections, and with the styling of the piece, it seems as though those connections shouldn't be corrected. A few errors with grammar, and a few with context, but I'll leave that to my next comment.
'Pinkie lie on the Sugar Cube Corner sobbing her life away into the cold, rich carpet.'
-'Pinkie Lay on the floor of Sugar Cube Courner...'
'She began to mutter under her breath'
-This needs a punctuated ending.
'Rainbow Dash broke apart from Pinkie, displaying awkward and nervous smile.'
-'...Displaying an awkward and nervous smile.'
'Pinkie just shot her a venomous smile as she stood to leave.'
-You should try using a symonym for 'smile' in either this scentence, or the one before.
Again, you've done brilliantly in this area too. Grammar really ticks me off, sometimes, and it can make a story unreadable. Thankfully, your mistakes are few, far apart, and small enough for me to only jump a little bit when reading over them, telling me that they're there, but not actually distracting me, or making it hard to understand.
1151774 I do and must say thankee sai for the complements and criticisms. And as for it being Twilight in the last scene, it can't be, not for the road ahead. You'll understand later i'm sure, at least for the most part.
1151876 Okay, It's good to know it has a reason. It seemed a smidge out of character (as the super-long comment suggests), is all.
Yay Pinkie OD'd
1669686 Glad you're happy about that!
1669855 yes