5454923 Wrong thread dude. You want the SELF SUBmISSIONS THREAD, all caps.

5455214 my apologizes.

Sorry I've been absent from the group for so long. After my last review I felt I wasn't cut out for this. This time I've chosen something simple that'll be easy to write, and eventually I'll work my way up into getting the hang of things.

Twilight Sparkle Punches a Baby, by democritus

REJECTED

WHY: After reading the title my immediate go-to thought was, "Oh, so it's kind of like one of those fics that have a random idea and just goes with it this should be good." And it was good, because my assumption of the story was right: it was poor.

This is more of a story that feels like it belongs in the "Random" category with its sense of humor; cuss words are thrown around like how Tommy Wiseau tossed around a football in The Room, the only reason why Twilight wants to punch a baby is because "she's bored", and there's this weird running gag where Twilight constantly brings up an ennui jar. I had no idea what that was, so I looked it up.

noun
a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

That is the definition I found on Google. When you think about it, it sounds like and okay joke. Not a great joke, but an okay one; just okay enough to be a running gag. But how can I take it seriously when most of the humor is amateur?

I don't have a problem with cussing, matter of fact, I love Quentin Tarantino movies. I even gave a nickname to one of my black friends that references his films, but I'm not aloud to call him by that name anymore because my mom heard me say it and thought it was "offensive." I don't see what she means. But the cussing in the story just feels like its style of humor. Throwing cuss words around doesn't make something funny. At one point Pinkie Pie quotes something Twilight said and says the word shit. So I guess it's funny because you don't expect something like that to come from Pinkie Pie?

Why is Twilight suddenly so fond of punching a baby? Is Twilight seriously so bored that she thinks punching a baby in the face will give her delight? I'm offended by this story. I'm offended because I am the Tony Barbara of punching babies and I shalt not have my name insulted by anyone from the likes of you, Mr. Fanfiction Author! I'll have you know that punching babies is an art and should not be taken as a joke. As a professional baby puncher, I am under constant stress because of how fertile the human race has become.

Upon seeing a baby (typically in a crib or at daycare) I have to keep a close eye out to make sure no one is looking. If everyone is busy doing something else, I simply walk up to the baby and look into its eyes. Most often it'll be a baby between one and two years old. Sometimes it'll be sucking on a pacifier. I then bring up my fist and present it to the baby. I hold it there long enough so the baby understands that I'm saying, "Life is a bitch and this will happen a lot and you'll do it too eventually." And with a swift motion, I punch the baby in the face. It's not a hard punch, it's not a light punch. If anything, it's a mediocre punch. When punching the baby I have to make sure that I punch it hard enough to startle a few people but not loud enough make a loud smack sound and leave an imprint (I thought about where rings with letters on them so I could leave my initials but then I realized how risky that would be). That would probably kill the baby. After successfully punching the baby, I have only half a second to get the hell out of there or look casual. Most often I'll act like the man who saw the person that punched the baby.

So I'm not offended by how immature the humor is, or the fact that the plot revolves around punching a baby, I'm offended by the unprofessional entirety of the baby punching. I demand for Mr. Fanfiction Author to write a sequel where Twilight Sparkle steals candy from a baby, but this time write it in a way a person with experience would write it.

Things I didn't like: The vocabulary (not the cussing) is wide. Like, wow, this is some good vocabulary. But it doesn't work for the structure of the story. I recommend taking it down a notch. And it doesn't make sense why the story is written in two short chapter and not one. Everyone knows what copy and paste is, use it. And at least try to up that Adam Sandler humor to Kevin Hart.

Things I did like: Like, wow, this story has some good vocabulary.

Reviewing: Luna's Protègè

Read: All

Status: Rejected

This is the extremely rare case of a story being slow in the first chapter, gaining speed in the second through third, then crashing by the fourth chapter. Usually, a story starts out rough in the first chapter then improves as it progresses, but that wasn't the case here.

Being the Princess of Equestria is busy work. Luna would know. She raises the sun and moon everyday, looks over the dreams of her beloved subjects, and, well, runs Equestria. Now, in addition to all that, she must find herself a protégé, before her sister's banishment ends!

But, that isn't the problem. The problem, is that three particular fillies stand out for the role!

Who will she choose? Can these three fillies become friends? Who will become Equestria's future savior!?

I guess you'll have to read to find out~! [Emphasis mine]

First of all, don't do that. My immediate reaction whenever an author has some variation of "read to find out!" is to not bother. You sound like a used car salesman and not an experienced author. The same with all the questions. A description is used to hook the reader and again, if that can't be accomplished by straight dialogue then I do not have high hopes for the story itself. Also, there's the frequent use of the tilde (~) at the end of sentences. I personally find it annoying, but I'm not holding it against this story, as I know a lot of young writers use it.

Let's delve into the story itself. As I mentioned, the first chapter starts out quite slow. Here we're being introduced to familiar ponies' alternate universe versions and so far it's well done. Luna, Twilight, Sunset and a young Trixie, for the most part, retain their canon personalities. In this universe, Celestia is the one banished, Sunset hatches Spike, and there is no Sonic Rainboom to help Twilight with her magic trial at the castle. Ergo, Twilight does not meet her friends in Ponyville ( at this point in the story ), so no Mane SIx. One has to be an exceptional author to mess with canon to that degree, for one is essentially offering a different version of the characters we know and love and hoping that version is an acceptable substitute. Shaky ground, to say the least.

Grammatical errors abound throughout the tale, but I can overlook the frequent use of "then" instead of "than." What I finally decided I couldn't ignore was the constant use of the word "appraise," or some variation of the same. Here's the definition:

appraise: verb (used with object), appraised, appraising.
1. to estimate the monetary value of; determine the worth of; assess:
We had an expert appraise the house before we bought it.

2. to estimate the nature, quality, importance, etc.:
He tried to appraise the poetry of John Updike.

...and here's a few of the six times ( I counted ) it was used just in chapter four:

“You bet! Come on!” Twilight said as she motioned after Sunset, who did so with a small smile. Hesitating at the carriage door, Twilight pushed her inside, to Sunset's surprise, as she almost tumbled in, being spared a fall by the magic of Twilight's mother.

“Careful, Twilight!” Twilight's mother, Twilight Velvet, said in surprise as she appraised Sunset Shimmer, helping her regain her balance. “You okay dear?”

“Hey, Shiny~?” Twilight asked, getting the attention of her brother, and Sunset, who were in the middle of a very passionate discussion concerning how 'real' the Power Ponies were, “Wanna play Oubliettes and Ogres?” She asked as she looked to Sunset, and Shining Armor considered that for a moment as he appraised Sunset as well.

Putting the books she had grabbed back where she got them, she returned to the center of the library, where Sir Tell Tale was looking over some books with a check list, seeming to appraise their condition.

I'm going to be generous and assume the author was intending to use the second definition, (except for that last example) rather than the first, but it's still a bit much. Use of a thesaurus is seriously recommended.

Then there was this exchange:

“Actually, I came to ask about that,” Twilight replied, glad to have defused the situation. Trixie and Sunset shared a look, then, upon realizing that they just shared a look, focused on Twilight, trying their best to pretend the other wasn't there. “How did you get your cutie-marks?” Both of them were surprised by the question, and hesitated to reply, Trixie seeming to be lost in thought as Sunset spoke up.

“I ... don't remember too well,” She admitted, getting a wide-eyed look from the others.

“You don't remember how you got your cutie-mark?” Twilight asked, seeking some clarity, finding the notion to be completely absurd. Sunset shook her head.

“I had a strange dream,” she began, “it was bright, hot, and yet, comforting. And when I woke up, I had my cutie-mark...” she explained, looking a little apologetic to Twilight.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie admits. She doesn't remember either.”

Really!? Twilight thought, now more annoyed then surprised.

“Trixie is sorry, Twily,” she quickly added, catching Twilight's expression, “but one day, Trixie was a blank flank, and the next, she was not. She don't remember how she got her cutie-mark.” Trixie then looked to Sunset, a little interested. “A dream? Is that how Trixie got hers?” She wondered out loud, then looked to Twilight. “Is that how fillies get their cutie-mark?”

Perhaps I should explain that Twilight is still a "blank-flank" at this point, so she was naturally curious. But this is too large a departure from canon: Sunset and Trixie seriously don't recall how they got their cutie marks, an event that has been shown in canon to be one of the greatest joys for a young pony?! I have no idea why the author chose this route, but it's an unwelcome one.

As I said before, the second and third chapters show promise. Even though plagued by grammatical errors, they were still interesting to read. Not so the remaining ones. I suggest rewriting those, in order to bring them up to the level of storytelling as the others.

Story: Twilight Falls, Sunset Dawns, by DrakeyC.

Rating: 9.5/10.

Status: Accepted.

Sunset Shimmer, out of desperation, steals Twilight's body using obscure Zebra magic and attempts to live her life for her. Now, the meat of any good bodyswap story is the perspective shifts the swapped characters go through, and in this case they were major. Sunset got to see what made Twilight so special, and Twilight got to see what made Sunset so messed up. The climax was natural, very solid, and reminded me strongly of Kung Fu Panda, which can only be a good thing. The story only really suffered one small misstep towards the end, and that is no reason to give it a pass. Read it, like it, love it.

Read all four chapters of The Asylum

Rejecting

In all fairness, I don't tend to have high expectations from stories that are visibly marketing themselves as psychological horror, but was in fact pleasantly surprised by this one in that it wasn't a complete pain to read. That said, there were several issues that prevented me from enjoying the story.

The first and perhaps most significant was the main character, who was about as blank as they come. I'm not sure if this was intentional, or trying to set something up in later chapters, but given what I've had so far, Mr. Chaser had close to zero personality, and doesn't do much aside from be suitably frightened by some of the patients at the asylum.

The second issue I had was how hilarious the setting is. Given that I believe the story is supposed to be a sort of horror, I can't help but chuckle at how so many of the patients (among which are Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, Lyra, and others) have cute little horror backstories that sound like they were almost directly ripped from the most cliche'd fandom tropes. Lyra's in particular was quite funny. Perhaps I just have a black sense of humour, but I honestly couldn't take Lyra seriously as she was stitching fingers onto her hooves like a demented parody of a google-image search for her.

Thirdly, the way the story was structured (particularly the first three chapters) was pretty predictable. Character finds canon pony, she does something a little creepy, and character explains a bit about what makes her scary. It was incredibly tell-y and not particularly engaging. At times, boring even, since once it becomes clear that, say, Rainbow's mental issues are stemming from the Rainbow Factory story concept, you kinda know more or less what's happened anyway.

There were odd ways the writing itself became stilted or uncomfortable, but for the most part it's the above reasons that are making me reject this story. The final chapter I read indicated a possible twist, and although it was out of the blue, I would have liked to read further to see if the pattern I had identified would change or elaborate on Chaser's character, but since this is where it ends, this is how it ends.

Finished reading Cool Story Bro, but It Needs More... Ponies?

Rejecting

Sorry for taking such a long time on this one. Frankly, the 16K word chapter threw me, since it meant I had a really tough time reading the thing in one go, since there were no natural breaks for me to pause at. This led to me having to reread some stuff. This is mostly my fault: I'm not a very fast reader, frankly.

The story itself is far from perfect, and I found myself frustrated at more than one occasion. For starters, it doesn't really have a direction: the story is about a highschooler named Lyle who slowly transforms into a pony, but aside from him just wanting to avoid trouble, he doesn't really have any objective or ambition. It's more of a 'watch Lyle struggle at school as he becomes a pony' sort of story than a story where the character actually changes (as a character, I mean. Lyle obviously is changing into a pony).

The story also ends in much the same place where it begins, with the only notable difference being that Lyle ends up watching MLP.

So the stakes are pretty low in this story, and it's quite tricky to really take it seriously. On one hand, this is troublesome, but on the other, it's not attempting to be taken seriously, which at the very least softens the blow somewhat.

If there was something I liked in this story, it was the attitude. It was rather laid back and relaxed about providing an enjoyable story, which made most of the flaws I've previously mentioned feel less important. They're still there, but I found it difficult to care about them too much.

I think what makes or breaks this story is the humour, and whether you find the jokes funny or not. Most of the comedy stems from the scenario and the story sort of saying 'Lyle becomes a pony! How crazy!' and trying to convey a sense of comedy through Lyle's dialogue. I'm not sure it really landed for me, as it's sort of just recounting a bunch of awkward situations.

Then again, maybe I'm just a grump.

I was initially going to accept this story with reservations, but upon writing this, I kinda found I didn't have much good to say about it. Not that it's a harmful story or does a lot wrong, but that I can't think of a lot I'd really recommend this story for. The comedy is average, as I mentioned, and I'd imagine you might chuckle at some of it but there weren't really any jokes I found landed very well. The writing has its ups and downs too, at times coming off as stilted and awkward, although rarely transitioning into outright bad. If you have a bit of an eye for awkward sentences and the odd mistake, maybe give it a miss, but if you can overlook a bit of this sort of thing, you shouldn't have too much of a problem.

That's kind of why I'm rejecting the story. Not out of anything that it did to turn me off, but simply because I can't think of much that made the story really worth reading. It's definitely near the border of what I'd traditionally accept, though, so if you're reading this and think 'ey, this sounds all right' maybe give it a look anyway.

Reviewing: The Life of a Wanted Changeling (Comment Driven Story)

Read: Four chapters

Status: Rejected

Okay. first of all, comment driven stories are a mixed bag. I've yet to read one that was able to take all the suggestions, condense them down, and create a passable tale. This one is no exception.

You are a changeling lost in the Everfree forest a couple of weeks after the failed invasion attempt at the royal wedding. You're not the brightest changeling out there and you tend to be really clumsy. You only have two goals in your mind right now, one is to get out of this blasted forest, and when you do get out, try not to get captured. Your whole kind is wanted by the royal guard after all.

I must say the description is very well-written. If only the rest of the tale held to this standard.

One of the problems is the author is trying far too hard to be funny and uses many contrivances in order to move the story along. "Silly" is the word I'd use to best describe this attempt at humor. Now, I like silly, but this one has very little structure to carry the tale. For example, the changeling is stuck in the Everfree Forest, and notices two ponies in the vicinity, "a purple unicorn with a star-like cutie mark, and the other is orange earth pony with apples for a cutie mark." Instead of taking to his ( I assume it's a 'he') hooves and getting out of there, the changeling curls into the fetal position and begins wailing, "*sob* WHY DOES LADY LUCK HATE ME?! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!! WAHHHH!!!" Now somehow, the two ponies don't immediately rush over to his hiding spot, but only continue their conversation for a moment before taking their time to walk over. This is apparently to give the protagonist time to think of all the gruesome ways he's about to be tortured, with this idea being the worst:

You. Tied to a chair. And forced to watch the most disgusting show in the history of Equestria. It's... oh god why that show. It's... MY LITTLE HUMAN!

That show is just... so... STUPID! Why the hay do grown stallions and mares watch that girly show?! I mean it's about six humans who discover the "magic" of freindsh*snap!*

There's silly and random, and then there's insulting. I'm going to be generous and assume the author was kidding at making a joke at MLP:FiM's expense, but it doesn't sit well with me. Moving on...

Once discovered, the changeling gets up, runs for a short distance ( or a long one; it's not clear) smacks into a tree, (I'm surprised the author didn't have little birdies tweeting in a circle above his head) and hears a scream coming from his left. And here is where we meet our first example of the author asking for comments to decide what happens next. I'll condense it down.

Apparently, the author decided to have the changeling investigate the scream, only to find Rarity wailing over a spoiled dress. Why Rarity is out in the Forest on her own, WITH A DRESS, is never explained. Keep in mind the changeling was supposedly still being chased by Twilight and Applejack, who "conveniently" remain out of the scene while he's interacting with Rarity. The changeling finds a sewing kit that just happens to be lying there on the forest floor, while he also happens to be good at sewing. By this point, my eyes were rolling so hard I was starting to get a headache.

Sigh. It's an interesting idea, this concept, but it is far too random. The story jumps from one scene to another with little continuity, and I haven't even mentioned the errors that cry out for an editor.

Take charge of your own story. If it's going to be comment driven, then pick those comments that fit the tale and help with its flow. And please get an editor. Also, I can barely make out the cover art, so if you're going to use that particular piece of art I'd suggest using a better resolution.

Read Well This Stucks
Rejecting

I don't really have any problem with this story other than it fails at what I feel it sets out to do. It's a comedy story about Twilight getting her horn stuck in a door (like that one Celestia kept the elements of Harmony in, if I'm not much mistaken), and most of the jokes stem from what embarrassing scenarios arise as she's stuck. I can tell it's definitely trying to be funny, but there's a really big problem there: the jokes were all telegraphed from last decade and the writing style was so deadpan and plain it didn't even get a smile from me.

I understand I'm a bit tricky to please in the comedy department, but the jokes really did fall flat for me. Some bits, like Applebloom trying to get Twilight some food, seemed almost laborious in how they tried to set themselves up. The conclusion is foregone, and any reader with a minimum amount of deductive ability could see the outcome many miles in advance, and the payoff ends up being exactly what you expected. There's no surprise, no flipped expectations, and no colourful language to go alongside the jokes.

If there was some other reason the story might be worthwhile, I'd probably go for it, but I feel this story is defined by its jokes alone. There's certainly no personal conflict to overcome, here: just get Twilights horn unstuck. There's no real stakes to get invested in: Twilight is just stuck. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue if the story actually had a joke that landed somewhere, but at least for me, it didn't. I think you'd have to be a really easy crowd to laugh at this story, although it's certainly not harmful in any way I can perceive.

Just not, you know, good enough for me.

Reviewed Stony Hearts

Rejecting

Stony Hearts is a short slice of life story crossed over with some comedic elements. Well, one comedic element. There's a single joke that persists throughout the 3K word story, and I'd say it's debatable whether it lands or not. Frankly, I didn't think it was bad, though. I even found myself pleasantly surprised when the joke actually made its appearance. Up until that point, the story had maintained a rather serious atmosphere, and more amusingly, maintains that atmosphere despite the absurd scenario.

In Stony Hearts, the Pie family is introduced to Pinkie's new romantic interest, which happens to be Glover the Griffon. He's a king, by the way. The comedy in this story is, for a change, something the characters themselves seem completely unaware off, which I found to be disarming and amusing: Glover the Griffon is a statue. Specifically, the statue from The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone.

I think my problems with this story stem from virtually everything else, though. Beyond Pinkie's romantic interest being a statue and everyone else ignoring that fact entirely, focusing instead on him being a griffon, it's a remarkably bland story about a family overcoming social stigma against one of their member's romantic partner of choice. If the story hadn't got a statue to be Pinkie's boyfriend, I don't think there'd be anything I'd actually find interesting about this story.

I'd have loved for there to be more than the absurd scenario of Pinkie dating a statue to latch onto. The characterisations of the characters are fine, but they don't really do anything novel or interesting other than take one of two stances on Grover: either dating a different species is wrong (statue or otherwise), or it isn't. The resolution of the conflict is similarly black and white and, at least for me, not particularly interesting. The conflict is cliche and its resolution treads no new ground in any meaningful way. The writing isn't exceptional, and there are paragraphing and the occasional grammar/spelling issues (not so many for me to go ballistic, but enough to notice). I can't think of much to recommend the story for aside from the absurd situation I mentioned, but looking back at the story, it's actually surprising how little of the story it affects.

It might be a bit unfair for me to look for stuff like this in a story that's only really trying to push one simple joke (which it does rather okay at) but I feel it would have greatly benefited from trying to push more than a single joke, or at least dress it up in more than a very cliche story.

If there was more here, I think I'd be comfortable accepting it, but as it is I'd much rather reject the story and look for a story that I feel has more stuff to be interested in and talk about.

Story: Il Duce e la Principessa, by GIULIO.

Rating: pending, 9+/10.

Status: accepted.

Any story written about the Axis powers in WW2 that doesn't mock or demonize them is virtually guaranteed to be disliked into oblivion. That fact that this story didn't receive such treatment is a testament to just how good great it really is. The story follows Benito Mussolini, the least bad of the three, after he discovers an infant Princess Cadance, and how she and his attempts to raise her affected the course of Italian Fascism. First, I must praise the research that went into this story. Getting historical novels correct beyond the most basic of details requires a ridiculous amount of effort, and the author has clearly put in the work. Furthermore, the story includes occasional phrases in Italian, which helps immersion. The politics are shrewd and perceptive, the narrative compelling, and the characters likable while still being flawed.

Unfortunately, this story has one minor problem, one that can't be fixed. Due to the nature of plotting out alternative history while trying to stay as accurate as possible when flying unicorn Princesses are involved, this story takes forever to update. Then again, if the updates were snappy I doubt it would get the attention to detail required to make it, you know, good.

All told, this is an excellent addition to the Goodfic Bin, and not just the Bin, but the High Quality section.

Story: The Ultimatest Evil, by Death Pony.

Rating: 8/10.

Status: accepted.

I seem to have lost my sides, please allow me to go retrieve them. While not very assuming, (I initially passed it over due to a lacking long description) this story is quite the absurdist comedy. Spoilers ahead! A human has appeared in Ponyville, and proclaimed himself the newest villain. He then proceeds to prove his villainy... by being nice to the Mane Six and turning every single other villain good, leaving him as the nastiest person in Equestria by default. I won't ruin the twist at the end, but it provides an excellent explanation for how the human got there and why he's doing what he's doing.

That said, this story, at least the first two chapters, are mostly just variations on a single, ridiculous premise. It isn't until the third chapter, written in honor of hitting 666 likes, that the story changes it up. If the idea makes you laugh, go check it out. If not, you'd be better off looking elsewhere.

5721580

Whoo hoo! "The Ultimatest Evil" is in the "Goodfic Bin"! That makes me very happy!

Read Symphonies Rock

Accepted

There are a lot of Octavia and Vinyl stories out there, and I kinda feel it's tricky not to go into them at this point without being aware of the very basic trends that occur when dealing with the pair. Vinyl is into modern music, Octavia is into classical, and the two naturally don't see eye to eye in terms of taste. This story pretty much follows that formula very closely, with only a few novel things added to the mix.

Throughout the vast majority of the story, it was completely harmless, and I daresay nobody is going to dislike the story in any significant way, but there was nothing really interesting about the character's characterisations. What was a little bit interesting was Octavia and Vinyl's definition of cool, which was at the very least amusing to read at the time, even though I doubt that alone will make the story very memorable to most.

My biggest complaint is that I'm honestly not sure why Vinyl had her little turnaround. She had an episode with Octavia's cello, then kinda just gave up her side of things, which I feel was a bit weak.

That's pretty much all there is to say, I guess? It wasn't a bad story and in the end I'd rather recommend it than reject it, but it was a bit of a borderline decision.

Read first four chapters of Enter the Dragoness

Rejected

This was also kind of a borderline decision, but on the other end. In this story, Spike switches gender. Again, like with the story above, there's a certain preconception attached to the idea, and again, this story doesn't really do much to deviate from it. My biggest complaint (and the reason I'm rejecting the story) is because events occur more because they need to for the story to exist than any convincing logic. Spike just happens to get zapped with magic, he just happens to start behaving differently (this is an issue I take with the story, since 'Barb' may as well be a different character, and I'd have liked a better explanation regarding why), Barb happens to bump into Gargle, etc.

Things happen one after the other, rather predictably and in an uninteresting fashion. I think the story could have given a much better impression of itself in the first few chapters if it merely took its time to introduce a conflict other than 'Spike is now a girl, and it's weird'. There's no stakes: Spike doesn't stand to lose anything if he doesn't become a guy again. It appears that later in the story there's conflict regarding stallions being interested in him, but it struck me as a shallow exploration of the idea.

If it did a little better at being convincing, I'd probably have just been okay with it, but it didn't, and I'm not.

It’s been months since my last review. I think it’s time to change that.

Story: Twilight Tries Not to Think, by Flutterpriest.

Rating: 8.5/10.

Status: accepted.

This story is about depression. To be precise, it’s about being depressed, not becoming depressed or getting over it. What it feels like, how people cope with it, and the mask they show the world. On that front, the story does an excellent job. I’ve never been depressed to the degree Twilight is here, but I have dealt with using distractions to numb myself, so I get the feeling that this is accurate.

Since the story succeeds at its core purpose, I consider it good, but there’s one thing holding it back from great: the story doesn’t really go anywhere. Twilight doesn’t change, for better or worse, no one finds out about her condition, and no one tries to help. It feels like the narrative is jogging in place, focused more on capturing a specific feeling than telling a story. If this was a single chapter in a larger entity, it would be much better, but as it is it feels somewhat one note. Given the subject matter, though, that might be on purpose.

Reviewing: The Gift Shop

Read: All

Status: Accepted

Now, this was an interesting journey, one which I wasn't sure about until near the end. Let's start with the description:

Ribbon Red is a gift-shop owner who doesn't get out much, and has a comfortable life selling his wares to ponies for their friends and family.

Rainbow Dash comes in with a special request: she wants to get Applejack the best gift ever, and she wants Ribbon's help in finding it.

Ribbon knows a lot about giving presents: He knows how to appreciate the value of a simple gift, the significance of a beautiful ornament... but above all, he knows that the most precious gifts come from the heart.

As can be surmised from the description, this is meant to be a very heart-warming tale. The problem I had with the beginning is the proprietor Ribbon Red is a bit acerbic. For example, this was the initial exchange between him and his only customer of the day:

"Uh... 'kay. So, do you have any gifts for sale?"

"I might do," Ribbon told her teasingly. Keep the customer on their toes... keep them interested, keep them guessing. That was good salesponyship. Keep them alive, always wanting.

"Well... this is a gift shop," she replied, unaffected by his scheme. Ribbon sighed, and rubbed his eyes.

"Then why did you ask if we had any in stock?" he asked, annoyed. Apparently, his usual sales tactics would not work on this particular mare. "Ugh, nevermind. What kind of gift are you looking for?"

It's been mentioned Ribbon Red doesn't get out much, so it's understandable that he doesn't interact with other ponies much outside his store, but here he also gives the impression of an older person who is very short with younger ones. If he had spoken to me like that, I would have walked out. I personally cannot stand it when the salesperson acts like they're doing me a favor by waiting on me, and that's the feeling I got from this character. I got so annoyed with the way he was treating Dash I almost quit reading.

I'm glad I didn't.

For even though Ribbon comes off as a jerk at first, he's hiding a heart of gold, for though this tale focuses on Dash's feelings for AJ, it is also very much Ribbon's story.

Have you ever had strong feelings for someone, but didn't know how to tell them? Or worse, if you even should? This is Dash's predicament, and it is a good thing she wandered into Ribbon's shop. The author did a very good job of creating a very believable conflict, one which had a quite satisfactory ending. Though the outcome between Dash and AJ was predictable, the redemption of the OC was not, and I found myself both surprised and moved by his actions.

To sum up, the story was a bit dry in places, ( such as Ribbon's initial introspections ), and the OC gave a bad first impression, but he and the story redeemed itself by the end. Even if you don't care for the shipping, I think you'll have a hard time denying the feelings of a blossoming romance that finds its just resolution.

5987886
I actually put this in the wrong folder, so I posted it in the correct one as well.

Too late in the evening, and distracted by busy kittens running all over my bedroom.

5987890 But there is no such thing as too many kittens. Kittens are lovely and pure and make the struggle worthwhile.

Reviewed We Are Vengeance

Rejecting

I don't have much to say about this one. It's super short (under 2K words) and is neither funny enough for me to enjoy it as a comedy nor dramatic or worthwhile enough in other areas for it to hold my interest. In this instance, the best thing I can say about it is that it is short, which I don't think is a terribly good thing to say about a story.

Whilst I've mellowed over crossovers since the olden days, there isn't a point to this story. The story doesn't make a point by comparing Luna to Batman or Celestia to a generic villain. If there was a point, I'd be more enthusiastic, but it seems like it's just a crossover for a crossover's sake. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't really into crossovers.

I can appreciate the effort that went into the faux-olde-english, though. Not enough for me to recommend the story, however.

Reviewed Of Flies and Spiders

Accepted

I rather enjoyed this story. I actually read it ages ago, but didn't have the time or energy to write anything up. Of Flies and Spiders takes a pretty neat concept of a changeling who can only feed of negative emotions. I have a soft spot for changelings acting like, well, vicious social predators. It's pretty fun. This story takes that concept and runs with it, although the main character does go through a bit of a redemptive phase.

In the end, I'd describe this story as a tragedy, not simply because the end is sad, but because the ending is a foregone conclusion, however not due to the flaws of the characters, but their redemptive qualities. This is something I found very engaging, as I'd find myself rooting for the characters to grow in positive ways, yet as they do so, they're sealing their own fates.

I'd strongly recommend the story to anyone interested in this sort of tragedy. Although I may have a gripe or two, I believe the story deserves to be read. The characters and concepts are strong, the execution was effective, and the tragic nature of the main character is something that I believe sets the story apart from most others I have seen up until this point.

Story: A Party For...Divorce?, by lord_steak.

Rating: 9.25/10.

Status: Accepted.

This story was a bit of a hard sell for me, since I firmly believe that A. Divorce is not ok, and B. Most people get married without making the proper checks on long term happiness and stability, which results in a lot more divorces being necessary than there should be. That said, this story did an excellent job of capturing Pinkie's struggle, and perhaps more importantly why divorce, or at least separation, is sometimes the best option.

This story runs on an emotionally compelling, if not particularly high stakes, conflict, and it does an excellent job with Pinkie's characterization. While I would prefer the stance that marriage shouldn't be broken to be supported by a character a bit less childish, if that had been the case it wouldn't have been Pinkie Pie, so it works out in the end.

Story: Return to Flight, by Outlaw Quadrant.

Rating: 8.5/10.

Status: accepted.

I don't normally find myself reading this kind of story, but I don't mind that I did in this case. For a brief synopsis, Rainbow Dash gets in a nasty crash and ends up with a PTSD against flight. The rest of the story is all about her working to overcome that and get back to the skies. It's a fairly simple premise, but where the story works is in the execution and supporting lead. You see, all of Rainbow's friends are visiting Manehattan for the week (and she doesn't want to them to find out anyway), so her only help comes in the form of her temporary weather pony replacement, Swift Flying.

The entire story is these two characters bouncing off each other, and while I won't spoil anything, they are quite entertaining to follow around. Swift, despite being an OC, is a complex, fully formed personality, one that both challenges and complements Rainbow. When it comes to OCs, you can do far, far worse.

One final note: this story was hit by a rewrite about 3 years after it was first published, and all comments referring to earlier version were deleted. If the comments section seems suspiciously light, that's why.

Yikes, has it seriously been over a year since my last review? Time to get back to it.

Story: Equestrian Alliance: Project Oblivion, by Jack Hammer.

Rating:5.5/10.

Status: rejected.

Chapters read: 19

This story is a prime example of quality derailment: it started off really good, but became steadily worse as the plot progressed. The first five chapters are golden, save for a few nitpicks, and do an excellent job of setting up the premise and the main human characters. Then the story travels to Equestria and promptly falls apart. First of all, the pace jumps from "just right" to "breakneck speed" and rushing through first contact. We go from the Everfree forest to Ponyville to everyone is friends with nary a pause to breathe, and all the interesting interactions along the lines of, "What do you mean magic is real?" are ignored outright. This was a horrible idea, and the story should have taken the same time it took in the first few chapters to explore it properly.

By itself, that wouldn't be a deal breaker, but as of the point I stopped reading, the story had another major issue, and his name was Marky the alicorn. Now, there is nothing wrong with Marky as a character, and in fact the whole concept behind his inclusion in the story is quite fascinating, from what I could glean anyway. The problem was the execution. Frankly, Marky was introduced to the story roughly TWENTY CHAPTERS TOO EARLY. He's the second pony the humans meet, before they even get out of the Everfree Forest, and his status as alicorn not only isn't commented on as unusual, but whenever someone brings it up the characters either dismiss it in the most unbelievable way possible, or something distracts the group in a manner that all but screams, "We can't talk about this guy yet, but the story really wants us to." This was obviously to keep from overwhelming the reader with too many ideas at once, but the author would have been hard pressed to pick a more awkward way to go about it. Combined with the rushed pacing mentioned earlier, Marky's presence utterly wrecks all suspension of disbelief, and tanked any interest I had in reading further.

Now, this story is not unsalvageable. Far from it. I was really enjoying myself during the first few chapters, and wondering why the story had so many dislikes when it was this good. Now I know, and the fixes are quite simple:

1. Marky does not enter the story until after the humans have a proper, lengthy meet-and-greet with the Equestrians, allowing him to explain himself immediately without distraction, using an idiot ball, or dumping a massive pile of worldbuilding on the reader.

2. Slow down, man. The first five chapters are your golden standard for pacing. Flesh out the interactions, make everyone more wary of each other, and actually use the toys you gave yourself. First contact is half the fun, after all.

In the end, good concept and setup, poor follow-through. I'd leave this one in the bin for re-review pending edits, but since the author is already 40 chapters into a sequel I doubt he's going to come back and fix anything.