A second self subs decision thread for convenience. All stories from the Pending Review folder will be reviewed here... eventually.

Good luck.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

4414900 Sitting in an English garden, waiting for the stories.

4393349 Yeah, I've been glancing over the beginning of A Queen's Love again, and I frankly cannot see the difference between when I first reviewed it and now. Granted, my memory is not great, but even when I look at my last review as I was pointing out clumsy phrasing:

I loved my Queen, I strove to become one of her top guards just for that reason.

The segment taken from the story is exactly the same. It isn't the only one, either:

I loved my Queen, I strove to become one of her top guards just for that reason.

The beginning still starts with heavy exposition and the pacing is still way too fast. Crysalis disappearing still just happens in the space of a line, I'm still told everything instead of being shown, instead of emphasizing with Ao/Tidal Rider... I frankly can't see any improvement. There's even a capitalization error near the beginning:

i had a cutie mark of a white

This needs heavy reworking. If all you've done is a few light touches here and there, it isn't enough. Rework the whole thing. Rework the phrasing, the pacing, the capitalizations, the sudden plot points that come out of nowhere (Crysalis is gone one morning... wat?).

So, bottom line: still rejected. I'm not going through this in detail just to check the exact same things I pointed out last time. Pacing is way too fast, characters aren't introduced properly, I don't actually care about them (Ao has zero personality aside from liking Crysalis, so what am I supposed to enjoy about him, and Foals Errand is a complete blank slate) and nothing makes sense. Why are all the characters doing what they're doing?

4415513
Reading: How Equestria was Made

By: Feo Takahari

It's pretty interesting so far, but I can see problems already rising...

14k+ words. Expect finished review tomorrow.

4412892 Re-reviewing IceStarPony's story, The Dark Side of the Sun

I'm afraid that despite improvements, I won't be reversing by decision. I've gone over many of the mistakes and clumsy phrasing I pointed out last time around, and whilst they are without exception changed, some of them aren't entirely fixed:

Softly my lids closed

My lids closed softly

(the order of the words reads more naturally, but I still have to question the use of the word 'lids'. 'Eyelids' would work better, I think, for example)

This sort of thing remains an issue throughout the first chapter. It's quite a gradual improvement, and not enough of one. The phrasing still remains clunky and weird:

I stood aloofly next to a window and offered a curt farewell. We were now in charge! Beside they would come home anyway. Then was the great game Luna and us were playing: hide and seek, which she was fond of.

I can see improvement, and I can still pretty much understand what's going on, but I still think the author should acquire a proofreader/editor of some kind and work on making the text far more flowing and easy to read. Given the more artistic nature of the story, I think it's the only thing really holding it back. It does have some nice bits with Celestia and Luna, and is a nice piece of insight to how they thought as children. I'm far from disappointed in the story, but it's too uncomfortable to read at present.

(note the errors I have pointed out are not exhaustive, they are merely to highlight the presence of a problem. More exist within the story)

Because my exams are over, I'm going to make an exception and review a story that frankly fascinates me. A so-called 'intelligent foalcon' story named Fallen Angels. Now, the story spares no expense in telling me that it will be a psychologically interesting story that will challenge my way of thinking:

on a journey of social, psychological, and emotional exploration in a harrowing tale of self discovery and clandestine relationships. You may never feel the same way about illicit love.

I'd be lying, however, if I said I was convinced. I'm a pretty smart guy: stuff has to be damn intelligent indeed to challenge my way of thinking. I guess we'll see if this story can convince me that romance with kids is okay. 'Cause... that's what it has to do, really.

Wish me luck.

(edit: removed the link because I remembered that's not okay here)

4424055 I know Flutterpony has done a lot of research into the psychological impact of child sexual abuse, etc. If there is any intelligent foalcon story on the site, it's this one. (Though I haven't read much of it. Still ploughing my way through the last few Fallout: Equestria chapters.)

4424105 We'll see. I'm not entirely uneducated on the matter myself, but what will make or break the story is the portrayal and build-up. The story has a lot of promises to keep, and realistically, it has to in order to work, given what it's aiming for.

It seems to be taking what is essentially a guilty pleasure and trying to make it accessible. Now, I don't give a damn what guilty pleasures people have, but making them accessible, especially when they're morally ambiguous or downright morally wrong (rape and foalcon, among others) is not something that should be done lightly. Most portrayals keep them where you'd expect them, and portray them in a negative light, which makes sense since most child-abusers and rapists are not, in fact, very nice people (shocker, I know, but it's true). Deviation from this norm will be a difficult task, in the same manner as making a villain like Crysalis be portrayed as a hero (except with a few extra ramifications).

What I'll want to see from the story is what's going through Fluttershy's mind, specifically. If I can get behind that, for whatever reason, I think the story has a decent chance. If I can't, then perhaps the story should have kept foalcon as a guilty pleasure and leave it at that.

That's my current opinion. It may be subject to change, since I'm an unpredictable guy.

4424055 Whoever wrote that has far too much ego for its own good.

Well, long story short, no, not really.

I'll give it this. It is not as bad as I thought it would be. That said, it's still fails in several regards. My biggest concern is Fluttershy's representation, the very clumsy headcannons, (which include Fluttershy being religious, daughter of nobility), the pacing, the very tell-y writing, and the very, very glaring presentation of an adult romancing a child.

Obviously, this will include me discussing foalcon and child abuse in general. Normally I pride myself on taking a neutral stance regarding most of everything, but I tend to agree with french philosopher Levi-Strauss that whilst tolerance for diferring cultures is essential towards broadening the mind, this must not be done at the cost of accepting the unacceptable. (because yeah, your resident engineering student knows a thing or two about the broad basics of different areas of philosophy)

The worst bit of the story is, in my opinion, the beginning. The story takes a very exposition-y turn as it explains away what Fluttershy's situation is and how she got there. It incudes such sudden and jarring headcanons as:

As foal to two of Cloudsdale's most respected nobleponies

It goes on explaining her different relationships with each of her friends. Whilst I do believe that how these relationships are described are accurate, or at least, I agree with them, I wish the story took five minutes to show me how Fluttershy feels towards each one instead of listing them off one by one. It was quite dull, not to mention unnecessary to the plot at that point of the story.

Explaining the relationships with each pony had no bearing on what's explained next: that due to her anxiety, Fluttershy would frequently masturbate. Again, I have to question the story's method of telling me this. It's recited in a very detached manner, making it hard for me to emphasize with Flutters. I think this is one of the only times I wanted the story to show me more of Fluttershy enjoying some alone-time, really, but it's true. It's just told that she'd do this a lot, instead of me seeing it for myself (creepy as that sounds).

This will be an issue later on. Like I mentioned, I am dealing with very, very squicky subject matter, so emphasizing with Fluttershy is practically paramount. If I don't want what she wants every step of the way, the chances of me being cool with her wanting to date Sweetie Belle dwindle.

If there wasn't enough exposition and headcanon already, the story tells me that Fluttershy is very religious. We're now up to three different things that are difficult to properly accept. The pegasi's views on their superiority (explained in the prologue), Fluttershy becoming increasingly sexually deviant, and her being religious. Again, had each of these been shown progressively, I may very well have been cool with them. My acceptance of the story is being stretched well past it's breaking point, however.

And it's after all of that that I'm told (again, told) that she likes Sweetie Belle romantically. Any tension or devellopment the story could have had is pretty much brushed away. In many other shipping stories, this is less of an issue, because me and other readers will be more open towards accepting the pairing. Here, we aren't, or rather, the average reader isn't. Foalcon and child abuse in general is frowned upon, and there is no way I'm prepared to give the story a free pass for that.

Since a lot of the story is dialogue without much actual events happening, I'm going to skim over what happens next and explain it in it's broadest terms. Fluttershy is feeling, amazingly enough, uncomfortable giving into her sexual urges towards underage ponies. The story is told through some rather mild events, with most of it being described through telling, as before. Here is an example:

One of the advantages of talking to animals was that they were very good listeners in a pinch, and Angel Bunny cared a great deal in return for his caretaker, even when he sometimes felt she was being a nitwit

Another element that annoyed me was Fluttershy's obsession with sex. Everything she thinks of, every second, she comes back to thinking about it. All the time. Now, as a romantically frustrated young man, I am well aware how often you can end up thinking about sex, but I'm still able to hold a coherent conversation with some quite frankly smoking ladies I work alongside and meet regularly without having to resist urges to rape them. (Sweetie Belle falls asleep because of a flower, and Fluttershy starts having issues). Whether this is an accurate representation of paedophilia or not, it still feels like poor treatment of Fluttershy's character. The story has to work much harder to get me to believe she's ever be in such a fragile mental state that she'd even consider that.

This isn't Rainbow Dash playfully prodding Applejack's butt whilst she's working, after all. This is Sweetie Belle, unconscious, and Fluttershy considers finding Twilight just to keep herself under control. These are very different contexts. One is being indecent with another adult, to the point of being considered harassment, and rightfully so in many situations, but with no malicious intent. On the other, I simply can't bring myself to think Fluttershy's behaviour is even remotely in character, and is probably worrying. Fluttershy is in danger of going much further than Rainbow, with much more dire ramifications, too. If you can't control your own sexual urges, that is a serious problem.

At the end of the day, she ends up only half giving in and cuddles an unconscious Sweetie Belle whilst whispering she loves her. Matters get more complex when Sweetie Belle mutters that she loves her back (platonically, Fluttershy is sure). This causes more internal problems for Flutters, naturally.

After a discussion, Fluttershy decides she wants to go against society's norms and ask Sweetie Belle out on a date. Now, this is where I get to the point where I feel I have to explain one of the driving factors why having sex with an underage person is very illegal. In the story, the main issue presented is that the age difference is a social taboo, and ponies are afraid of things they don't understand.

Ponies are afraid of things that are new or different.

In reality, this is very much not the case. Previously in history (and I mean western history too) women were married from very, very young ages. Where it began posing a problem was that at such a young age, children's minds aren't developed enough to properly understand what sex means, or even how to properly understand their own bodies. Not to mention, being physically small, it's very hard for a child to force any adult to stay away physically.

This is where the story trips up in a spectacular manner. I believe the story was trying to have Sweetie's consent make it more acceptable, and simplifying the romance to bucking a trend, like it was Lady and the Tramp. In reality, Fluttershy is abusing Sweetie's youth and lack of development, consent or no. Both legally and psychologically, Sweetie Belle is incapable of properly giving her consent

This is why laws apply differently to children than they do to adults: because their minds aren't developed enough to work on the same level. As Fluttershy is introducing Sweetie to concepts like sex, marriage, masturbation and the like, she is acting irresponsibly as an adult and taking advantage of a younger mind. That said, I feel I must point out that at this stage, she is not a child molester. Pedophilia is not the same thing as child molesting, since one is defined by desires, the other by acts. Speaking of actions, that comes later.

You could argue that parents and sex-ed teachers do this to, all over the world, but Fluttershy, here, has an ulterior motivation: she wants Sweetie Belle sexually. Sex-ed teachers and parents do not (typically, but that's another squicky issue for another time). It gives Fluttershy a layer of manipulativeness that is both uncharacteristic and deplorable.

And before someone comes in and says that foalcon is okay because they're ponies and they age differently, allow me to explain why that's bullshit. Foals in the show are represented as children. Since the show is created by humans, our vision of them translate to how we think they would be in the real world. In essence, we see them as children, so they are. The show treats them as children, so no matter how often you say that they're horses, that they might be sexually mature, they will be considered as children, since that's the only thing that matters. They are not treated as horses, or at least, not socially and certainly not sexually. If they were, we'd see a lot more background nonsense in the show. I only feel the need to point this out because I have had someone try to justify foalcon in this manner, in quite a laughable display, too.

So, why is child abuse being illegal and morally wrong a bad thing for the story? Fiction is not reality, after all. Well, given that the characters are doing something that is morally objectionable, it's making it very, very difficult for me to emphasize and root for Fluttershy. I actually spent chapters three and four thinking of Fluttershy as the villain, a stance the story does not take. At best, the story presents Fluttershy as troubled, but at four chapters, that is not what the story is about.

Again, and I can't stress this enough, I may have been more open to this had I been given more opportunity to empathize with Fluttershy's condition. Struggling against sexual urges is something we all have to do, and it is genuinely harder for some than it is for others. I'm not knocking that. But the story isn't giving me the opportunity to see the conflict Fluttershy is going through before she gives in. It's making her genuinely unlikeable.

The dialogue ranges from good to very dull and repetitive. Some of it is okay: it takes it's time and all the characters are in character, with the exception of Fluttershy. It's one of the things the story gets right. My problems began during the two chapter long conversation between Sweetie and Fluttershy. It's mostly about justifying their romance, and even explaining what romance means.

Now, I'm an adult. I went to sex ed. I don't need another lecture about what goes where for how long and what comes out of it. Not much is brought to the table other than Fluttershy explaining to Sweetie what's going on, and whilst I acknowledge that the story needs this, I wish it was broken up a bit so it's easy to swallow.

My final conclusion regarding Fluttershy is that she's not a character. She represents a type of person, a repressed sexual deviant. Or rather, how we're supposed to see her. Now, again, I'm an adult, and damn if some of the stuff that goes through my head isn't creepy or downright disturbing, but I'm more than what I think at 3 am after a dozen or so drinks. We all are. Fluttershy isn't. There's a reason four chapters and a prologue is entirely dedicated towards her thinking and obsessing over sex: her character is being pushed aside to make room for this new aspect of her character. She can't even take a nap with her bunny rabbit without thinking of him as a foal. She barely feels like Fluttershy any more. Her backstory is unfamiliar and given how it's written, difficult to accept, her behaviour is completely unusual, and given the nature of the story, it's very hard for me to see much of the show's Fluttershy in this story.

The writing is, as I've mentioned multiple times, very tell-y. Even beyond that, it's okay, but nothing really spectacular. I'm not holding that against the story, since my technical writing isn't the best either, but I can't help but think that if the writing was better, I might have been more open to the very squicky nature of the story, something the story sorely needs.

Not to mention, some stuff does come up that baffles me:

I      think

Double spaces I understand, but six?

At the end of the day, I think the story does have some thoughtful elements, and I can appreciate those. The problem is that most of those elements come at the cost of Fluttershy's character, integrity, and in the most worrisome of cases, sanity. And the problem of her and her urges towards Sweetie still makes her damn unlikeable, and I don't like that the story doesn't seem to be aware as to why. I stopped at four chapters (+ prologue) because I don't think the story can do anything to reverse my decision. If anything, a quick glance at what comes after only cements it.

In short, Sweetie Belle got into the van because Fluttershy offered candy. Fluttershy, whilst maybe well meaning, has no idea of what the implications of what she's doing are, or has any self-control. And it makes for an unpleasant read. It's trying to be intelligent, sure, but I don't think it's nearly intelligent enough to make me overlook all this.

Rejecting

4424883 the worst thing that a story with squeekish topics can do is refuse to give you the time to properly empathize with the protagonist, often it can turn them into antagonists instead. Good work man.

4420015 I'm getting increasingly nervous. (I rejected your story from my group, so I guess turnabout is fair play.)

4425269
What now?

4425204 Pretty much. I can appreciate that thought has gone into it, though, but I currently cannot empathize with Fluttershy.

Read: How Equestria Was Made

By: Feo Takahari

This one took longer than I expected. Well it was worth the long read. And it is because of that long read that I will try to keep this short.

So, the idea. Those who know me well know that I love unique and fresh approaches to old ideas, and this story established that very well in the first chapter. We have two sisters, Annie the younger sister, and Polly the elder sister sit in their home's attic trying to come up with a plan to save them from their mother's wrath, for they have shattered their great-great grandmother Mimsy's vase. They continue bickering until Annie stomps breaking an old rotten plank on the floor revealing a space containing a snow globe. Coming in contact with the snow globe they find themselves in eternal darkness. In the darkness imagination rules, anything you think of comes real life if you want to be a cat or fish. So Annie begins to imagine a world full of ponies, and thus Equestria was born.

That's about all of the story I'm divulging, now to get to the real reasons why I'm doing this review. Once again I fall back on how unique the idea is. We are always shown that Equestria is a land of magic and unicorns or to simply put it, a show for little girls. Well the author took that and put quite an entertaining spin on it. Two sisters, Polly Celestia and Annie Luna, create a magical world. Two girls ha, eat your heart out Faust.

To finish cause I have a performance to get to. One thing that didn't fit and made me scratch my head, what was up with the double dashes? Like here

Polly was an awkward, gangly twelve--just old enough

And here

“Are you okay? I’ll help you out of--”

I'm not too good with dashes but I'm sure that you're supposed to use a em dash there. These are sprinkled throughout the story and it kinda takes you out of the feel. So I am going to say

Accepting

Great feel, sentences flow through without any abrupt stops, some typos, and little to no punctuation errors. This is the type of story I look for, it takes the already interesting idea by the reigns and rides it on home.

I'm Man on the Moon, thanks for reading...

Reading: One Last Letter From A Loyal Companion

By:Keam

1k+ words
Expect finished review later today.

4424883 This is a fantastic review of the first four chapters! I've been given a lot to think about, and my understanding of the story's weak points in the beginning has really been solidified. The fact that I wrote this for an audience that already empathizes with the type of pony I make Fluttershy, or is exceptionally empathetic or open-minded in general, has also been validated again for me. I still really value feedback from people not fitting these categories. It takes me down a peg because, as someone said in this thread, I have a huge ego.

I really wish I could get your opinion on the rest of the story too. This was my first published work of fiction of any kind. I had dabbled in writing before, but I've never put effort into anything like Fallen Angels until Fallen Angels. I was learning a lot as I wrote, and, as I received more and more feedback, especially beginning around chapter 6, I started to try and compensate for mistakes I saw that I had made.

If you do continue to read on ever (doubtful now), Fluttershy's character really will not change much, but, beginning in chapter 5, you'll see what you asked for as far as her inner workings (hopefully not tell-y but I'm still sometimes a bad judge). You kind of stopped before the emotional journey got interesting in my opinion, and I realize that's my fault for asking somebody with a sexually normative mind to read my writing without giving you more meat to begin with. You got that Fluttershy was sex obsessed. Not only is she a pedophile within her culture, but a sex-addict struggling against her urges to live morally. By highlighting that struggle early on, I both limit my readership and draw in the readers I intend to draw in. Again, it's all a novice attempt, and it would be better if I didn't limit my audience that way, but I had hoped you'd still give me your (very well articulated) thoughts on the story after chapter 4, since that's usually where non-foalcon fans stop, and I kind of already have plenty of feedback on that part.

I suppose, when the story is complete, I might go back and work on that to make it accessible to more readers, hopefully. (I'd like to eliminate over half of the Prologue at the very least.) I don't expect to convince many, only the unconvinced, as I was, honestly, when the story began. (Of what I intend to convince people is not something I'd like to delve into here, but, generally, I hope to create the empathy that I failed to spark in you, and, more importantly self-acceptance for readers struggling through the same fantasies and urges Fluttershy deals with.) It'd probably be best for me to move on to a new piece of fiction with what I've learned from this one after it's complete, so I can't blame readers like you for continuing to stop so early in the story (not to mention the readers who love foalcon who still get stopped by Chapter 8, but that's a whole other issue involving Fluttershy's religiosity).

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and help me improve my future writing! Your reviews are top-notch!

4425702 If there's interesting stuff to be seen, I think I can read onwards a bit. I just didn't want to make people wait for a decision when I believed I had made up my mind. Still, my curiosity is a powerful thing. I'll see if I can check it out tomorrow when I'm less unconscious.

4425742 Heh! Thanks. I understand the rejection decision. If you do get to read onward, I'll be eager to see your thoughts. You're welcome to leave them in the story comments, of course, if you'd like to avoid posting more about it in this group.

4425742
P.S. Where did you see that weird spacing? It may have been a pasting error from my .doc file.

4425836 easiest way to find errors like that is ctrl f and search for double or tripplle spaces.

4426233 I did that in my .doc file without luck. I even searched for every instance of "think" all the way through chapter 5. I wouldn't ask otherwise. Oh.. maybe I'll search the online version.

4426269 don't do it in your doc file do it on the website?

4426272 Yep. I got that a little late.

4426276 I use gdocs now. It seems to minimize those issues. Good luck.

4426280 Thanks. It's taken care of now. That was easy.

Reviewed Locked out of Heaven

Rejecting

(you'll have to forgive any typos this time around. My keyboard seems to be ignoring the odd key now and then)

There really isn't much to say about this story. We aren't past the prologue. I guess it looks promising, maybe, but I frankly have no idea what kind of story it will be. It has romance, crossover, and sad, but aside from it's tags, it could be anything, really. Sunset and Dan (from a show I am unfamiliar with called Dan Vs. or something, who appears in Fluffl Puff now and then) get accosted by Discord (how novel) and are transported who-knows-where.

I guess the writing is solid, and minus using capitals a bit too regularly for my tastes, I have nothing to get annoyed at. It's just there is currently no story for me to review.

Reviewed the Rock Farmer's Daughters

Quantity read: prologue + five chapters

Accepting

A large amount of AU stories that I seem to get exposed to is to allow for a greater range of possibilities for the author. In an AU story, the tone can be grimmer, there can be a war, they can be in space, etc. In fact, anything the writer wants becomes possible, and in my opinion, that isn't always a good thing. I've often found it removes creativity instead of allowing for more. It's strange to explain, but when people can do anything, I've noticed not as much thought goes into why it has to be different.

This story takes a different approach, and uses the AU tag to answer a question: what would have happened to Pinkie had she not seen the rainboom, giving her her cutie mark. Whilst I'd be lying if I said this was an entirely novel concept (the idea of ponies not doing what they do in the show is not something I've never seen before) it does have a very startling effect that I noticed whilst reading through the prologue and very first chapter. Every piece of the story I read was satisfying. No matter what was going on, the story can't help but answer the question the alternate universe poses, and it makes discovering the characters as this world defines them quite a rewarding experience.

Unlike a good many AU stories that do what they do for the hell of it, this one has a clear purpose and goal, meaning there was no wait before I felt the story was making its presence felt. And I like that. I can appreciate when a story gets to its selling point nice and quickly.

The writing itself is solid. I did catch a few clumsy sentences near the beginning, but not enough for me to hold it against the story, although some grammar enthusiasts might take the time to pick it apart. And the world the story crafts is quite fun to explore. I like the town, and I was interested by many of the characters that populated it. They remind me a lot of ponies I could have seen in the actual show, which is a nice thing to be able to say.

The story begins to pick up as Cheese Sandwich is hired on Igneous's rock farm, and I'm pretty happy with the interactions between the characters so far. So to sum up, the story satisfied me from chapter one onwards, the world and town is reminiscent of the show, the writing is solid and the alternate universe is an interesting one to explore. I'm happy with this submission, and I'm very confident that it'll continue to be an engaging and interesting story.

Reviewed Twilight Star and The Symphony of Canterlot

Reviewed these two together for reasons that will become apparent.

Rejecting

I've sometimes pointed out that a story hasn't developed enough for me to make up my mind regarding it's quality. Then there's these two. Now, I tend towards the minimalistic side of the spectrum, and I don't feel the need to write and read long flowery paragraphs full of fancy wordsmithing. Even in terms of story, I can appreciate a good Seinfeld-ish story that doesn't have much in the way of a strong, present plot. I can appreciate that the story is about nothing. That said, I do tend to think that there should, in fact, be at least one word for the story to function.

Currently, ah, there aren't any words. So, I guess I have no words either.

Thanks to Psi for pointing this out.

4425482
Can't wait for the review...

4430854 three reviews in a day! Keep kicking ass!

Reviewing The Renegades.

'Cause I love me some crossovers. Mmm hmm.

4431228
Wait no more! But seriously about the wait, I'm a young yet busy guy. Thank goodness summer is around the corner.

Read: One Last Letter From A Loyal Companion

By: Keam

Hmm, a story about Opalescence lamenting about her life to Rarity in the form of a letter. Wait, isn't she a cat?

Being unable to writte all of this herself, she ask Fluttershy to help her write one last letter to Rarity

Oh right... of course. Also ‘writte’. Not good to have typos in the description. That plus ‘ask’ needs to be in past tense, ‘asked’ or in progressive tense, ‘asks’.

Opalescence consider Rarity

‘Considered ’

she find out

‘Found’

she feel there

‘Feels’

is somethings she need

‘Something’ and ‘Needs’

and somethings she

Same here...

letter to Rarity form

‘From’

Sadly that was only the description. So going into the story itself gave me a cautionary sense. And that sense was only reinforced by the first few lines.

To my dear Rarity, who have been my lifelong companion,

There was already enough in the description and now it's carried over into the story.

To get off the topic of missing words, this was an angle I thought that no one would ever take. Usually when I see Opal and Rarity she's trying to hide or claw her eyes out. No one really goes in depth with the relationship that each of the six share with their pets, except for Twilight (not that I'm labeling Spike as a pet). The thing that really stands out to me is that the author created a nice tangible past/origin story for the two. We see that Opal does love and appreciate Rarity and her friend and she wants to show that through her own words before she passes.

I'm feeling good today so...
Accepting

Great idea with good execution and aside from the typos in the description (fix that) and other than the first few lines you kept it clean throughout the story. Also, clean up those commas...

~Motm

Reading:Gallopagos

By:thewoolymammoth

Length:3K+

Finally got to a computer...

Reviewed The Renegades.

Rejecting

No, I don't think this is a particularly bad story at the end of the day, but for multiple reasons, I wasn't a fan. First off, the setting. This is a Marvel/DC/MLP crossover, because apparently crossovers with just one franchise aren't good enough. The story seems to focus on a variety of characters from both Marvel and DC, and not obvious characters either. We're looking at charaters like Howard Stark (portrayed as a psychopathic angry guy), Thomas Wayne (or the most important parent to get shot since Bambi's mum) and Ben Parker.

The universe crafted is at the same time fascinating and confusing. At first, I have to admit I was annoyed at how weird the world was, but later on, I think I became curious. I'm not very knowledgeable about DC, but I am a Marvel guy, and I was intrigued by the idea of the a more tech-y universe mixing in with Equestria already on earth. Frankly, if DC and Marvel weren't there to muddy things and distract me from the ponies (as crossovers are wont to do), it'd be a great premise. But here is where this starts to fail: the universe is given too much focus, and is perhaps too different from the norm, and for a guy here to read ponies, they aren't given a lot of focus. It means that the average guy (in other words, boring old me) doesn't have a lot that connects me to what I want to read: ponies. More than once I was wondering why I was reading the story. The universe is interesting, but not in the way I want it to be.

The ponies seem to have one role in this story: get picked on. We're only three chapters in, but they haven't done much except being punching bags, and I think that's a big oversight on the story's part. Family of ponies goes down a back-alley? They get beat up, Howard Stark saves them. Dying batpony gets harassed by big meanie doctor? Thomas Wayne stands up for her. Ben Parker has a pony girlfriend and anti-pony activists show up? They get beat up. And that's another problem with the story: it has a pattern. Each chapter plays out pretty much exactly the same way.

The world is gritty and racist. Villains pick on ponies, usually because they're racist. In fact, always because they're racist. Angry, foul mouthed hero saves the day by being angry a lot. Hero goes home and says hi to friends and family, the end.

The first time, maybe I was okay with it. It was a bit blatant in how it was showing me that Howard was the 'good' guy in this scenario by overplaying how ruthless the gang was, but okay, I can deal. The second time, I got a bit bored. The third time, I had had enough. The tone doesn't really change much either, and the characters voices feel the same, from the policeman to Ben Parker to Howard Stark. It makes the whole story dull and uninteresting to follow, since each segment feels the same.

I'm also not really a fan of how the story switches perspectives. All in all, perhaps a minor grievance, but since the story kind of meshes together, I would have really liked a very clear, very obvious transition between, say, the detective and Parker.

The writing, whilst not bad, isn't spectacular, and there are a few mistakes splattered across the story. Not enough for me to genuinely hold it against the story, but if it had been better, perhaps I'd have been more willing to forgive some of the above.

So, all in all, I do like the world so far, but only from a Marvel/DC point of view. The ponies feel pretty worthless right now, and kind of just feel like mutants from X-Men but without powers and much more useless, and other problems bog the story down. It's not bad, and if you happen to like Marvel and DC I don't think you'll hate the story or anything, but I don't think it'll have much appeal to anyone outside that circle.

Read:Gallopagos

By: thewoollymammoth

Well, hehe, we have one worthy of the randomness that is Discord. Gallopagos, one stormy night Discord is visiting Fluttershy while she babysits Tank as a favor for Rainbow. Discord comments on how boring Tank is and Fluttershy defends. Then Discord retaliates with how the Gallopagos tortise is better. Being a wildlife enthusiast Fluttershy asks if he's been and comes to find out that he is the reason for the diverse species that populate the island. Now me, a nature nut, loves the idea that the spirit of chao, the troll master himself, Discord could have snapped his fingers and the whole island chain came to life. One more thing that I would like to not is his, heh, conversations with mother nature. Yes, he is actually talking to nature throughout the story. She is described as a bipolar mother but a wise and caring one.

From the opening we are given a rushed mood from Fluttershy as she darts into her home with Tank, and from discord... well I font really know. He loves stormy night's so I'll say mildly happy for now. Here comes something I've been dying to try out for a while now... Character interaction anlysis. ahem, Discord is completely in character from his first line of dialogue...

Whew!" said the draconequus. "Now that's what I call weather! As it should be. The Pegasi should take days off more often."

to drying himself off...

Discord dropped down to all fours and shook himself dry like a dog.

to him snapping his fingers to make everything dry

"Oh, sorry Flutters."He snapped his fingers and everything became dry again.

but I really shouldn't dwell on his character too much. Discord is an easy guy to capture. All of us are silly, and a chaotic whenever we get the giggles. The real challenge is Fluttershy. Most are she but not the brand of shy she is, which the author kinda waivers on throughout her speech.

"Tell it as well as you can remember it!"

Yes, I understand that Flutters has her moments where she can be very exited i.e. Sonic Rainboom, but this felt a little forced. Maybe adding something like "If you son't mind" could take some of the wight off. But I can say it was redeemed with this adorableness at the end

"Thank you."

"I still don't understand what you're thanking me for?"

"For making life interesting," she said, and walked into the kitchen to boil the kettle for some tea.

He watched her as she hummed to herself, getting out the cups and saucers and slicing up some vegetables for Tank. His paw touched the side of his
face where she had kissed him.

"Likewise."

Fluttercord!!

Anyway if you couldn't tell from reading My Little Review (oh god kill me) this has been Accepted
I would regard this as a gem that needs more recognition. Near Impeccable grammar (see, editors and proofreading helps), sentences flowed like hot syrup ( why did I use that analogy?), and it was paced like a smooth ride through the countryside.

~Motm
P.S. Seriously go and read, you'd be a fool not to!

Next up is Man's Best Friend

Can't say I like Anon stories. Maybe this one will buck the trend.

4439362 You're an ambitious sunuvabitch, aren't you?

Here's hoping you succeed! I love being surprised.

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Well, maybe my crossover will beat you to that finish line, Verbose? Well, I can hope, at least. I do have a lot of pride in it.

Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony
The Lunar Samurai
Sad, SoL, A.U.

Starswirl, I've recently read a story from another author on him and now I got to see what the fandom views him as well. Who is he, brilliantly mad? A deviant sorcerror of great renown? So many questions I want answered. Here, however, he's an earth pony. It's set back in the pre-classical area with the common trope of unicorns are gods among us. It's so famous and yet now I find it tiring at times with how everyone seems to have gone with this kind of mindset.

We have a young Starswirl desiring to learn at a university, unicorns and earth ponies collaborating. At least on the surface that is. Swirl sees the situation for what it truly is, quiet submission of the earth ponies in a unicorn driven environment with forced conformity. Its all face value, no pony dare say otherwise lest they face expulsion. One thing that annoys me is how easily one sided this is and how it was presented. The main protagonist already sees the problem and lives with it. It's not much a buildup when we can already tell the social stigmas from the get go. By luck, Swirl is inducted into a unicorn only class with an open minded professor. While facing prejudice from others, this stallion wishes to show Swirl off, destroying the barrier of segregation.

First person stories are difficult, I can't stress this enough. This isn't a time where I felt like grating sandpaper into my eyeballs with the overuse of 'I' in the story. An even story pace helps as well, though we seem to have already confronted a huge plot point with the boneheads against dirty mud walkers. Starswirl does have a strong personality, a social outcast that wishes to rise above but doesn't have the means as to how. I takes time to build him up without making him sound like a whiny, prepubescent know it all that disregards his fellow students. Having exceed right out of the gate in front of the unicorns left me uneasy. Yes he is a curious pony but to have him out due others that are natural born magic users? Something about it just nags but that's about it.

Rejection. Sorry to say but I can't accept this. I need a lot more information so I can make a proper review. I'm greatly interested in this story and I wish to see how Starswirl struggles through the university life. Till next time folks, D.G., signing off.

The story is much more fleshed out, but due to my current situation in life, I have been forced to put it on the backburner. This review is definitely fair, as many tropes have been written into the story and it can start out as seeming quite mundane. While that may not be the best way for the story to be started, the main theme of the story requires 2 major elements: A social power that is above the main character's control that has a direct conflict with the character's mission, and a sense that things are not always as they seem.

common trope of unicorns are gods among us. It's so famous and yet now I find it tiring at times with how everyone seems to have gone with this kind of mindset.

I have definitely followed the trope of almighty-unicorns, but do not forsake the scenes where that boundary is being tested by either side. It exists as a social construct, but not as an unmovable one, and this will add a great deal of tension between the two races as time goes forward.

One thing that annoys me is how easily one sided this is and how it was presented

This is definitely something I could have presented better. The tension was integral in the beginning and I think I stressed some elements a little too quickly for my own good. However, despite my possible exaggeration in the beginning, as time goes on you will definitely see a blurring of that line. I wanted the readers to see that the powerful stigmas placed in the world may not always be as they seem. People like to make issues black and white, and this story starts like that only to begin smudging that line as time goes on. (Fun fact: that smudging is one of the reasons that most remember him as a unicorn instead of an earth pony.)

this stallion wishes to show Swirl off

As was stated before, either side is testing this barrier. Also, that stallion has a lot more invested in the character of starswirl but that is to be revealed in the upcoming chapters.

First person stories are difficult

Absolutely, and this is admittedly my first. First person is something that takes a lot of work to get right, and the amount of times that I have rewritten several thousand word sections because of that fact is aggravating to say the least.

An even story pace helps as well, though we seem to have already confronted a huge plot point with the boneheads against dirty mud walkers.

Again, this is because of the narrow section of the story that I have released thus far. At this point, it may seem that the character's main villain is the racism, but time will prove that this is not the case. I don't want to spoil anything, but I would like to mention that this story does span the life of the character, not just a few years in a university. At the present time, however, the story itself is most definitely driven by the friction between the races.

Yes he is a curious pony but to have him out due others that are natural born magic users? Something about it just nags but that's about it.

This is starswirl we are talking about. This is historical and we know that the character himself is one of the most powerful 'unicorns' to have existed, but there is one thing that will become more evident as more conficts happen in the future. Starswirl isn't exceptionally good at magic, instead he is driven to do lots of work and has a hyperfocusing nature. I cannot remember if it is mentioned, but when he constructed his world, he worked on it through the night when most unicorns spend about 30 minutes to an hour. This isn't to say he is exceptionally good at it, it is to say he is hard working and has a passion for it.

Rejection. Sorry to say but I can't accept this.

To be honest, with the amount of events that have yet to occur, I would reject this too. I was hoping to submit it with about twice as much written as has been actually penned, but as I said, life got in the way.

Thanks for the review! I really do appreciate you taking your time to really sit down and pick through it. You were definitely fair and I'm glad you seem to be excited about it's development, your criticism will not go to waste. You have some very valid concerns and I hope I addressed them adequately in this response.

-TheLunarSamurai

4441308 Goodness me. Another 'Starswirl is an Earth Pony' story. And here I thought I was the only one.

If mine hadn't come out just a week before this one, I think I might accuse myself of plagiarism. Great minds think alike, perhaps? Or just crazy ones?
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Definitely crazy. Also, I thought I was the only one O.o

4442379 Well, I wouldn't expect anyone to have heard of mine. It's practically invisible. And I typically never read anything that's not in here, 'cause I'm a busy guy, so it stands to reason I haven't heard of yours.

Too bad I didn't get a chance to review it, actually. I wouldn't have minded comparing. Maybe if I have time I'll check it out, but knowing me... not very likely.

Hell of a coinkidink, though. I guess it must have been a good week for Earth Pony Star Swirl.

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Hey, link me to your fic, I'd love to see what you did with him!

4442390 There you go, bud. Enjoy if you can.

Reading: Return Home
By: Neutron Alchemist

Length: 5K+

Finished Reviewing Man's Best Friend

Accepting

Even though I'm accepting this story, there is a major point that just infuriates me throughout the entire thing. If I take it as a whole, though, it's well written, thoughtful, engaging, and pretty damn good.

The story is about a diamond dog named Ruby who has a one night stand with a human, Anon, not knowing he was in a relationship with Fluttershy. Anon and Fluttershy had just had a fight due in no small part to Fluttershy's overbearingness, which nonetheless feels pretty natural disguised as concern. This becomes even more apparent when it becomes apparent that she's pregnant. It strikes me as a rather tragic set of coincidences that could very well happen to anyone, which makes it all the more engaging. It's a very grounded story, and I can appreciate that.

Unfortunately, Ruby gets pregnant as well, and spirals into self-loathing. Before offing herself, she's invited by Fluttershy to visit their home, where she meets Anon again. The secrets are revealled and they all part ways. Anon loses everything, and will forever suffer for a moment of weakness.

I read somewhere in the comments that Fluttershy was very unkind in this story. I happen to disagree. Trust is a major factor in any relationship, romantic or no, and when the stakes are high, it becomes paramount. With a child on the line, if Fluttershy is incapable of trusting Anon, then That Is That.

The story is told in second person. Whilst I initially had a problem with this, I quickly put it aside when we hit chapter two. Reading Ruby talk to herself (because that's what it felt like) was actually surprisingly enjoyable. It felt pretty natural, and it made for her being a very emphatic character, which makes her situation all the more heartbreaking. I didn't get the feel it was done for self-insert-y reasons (at least, not in Ruby's case, but I'll get to that in a bit).

Even the ending was grounded. It's very easy to say that you can forgive betrayal, even if it was in a moment of weakness (which it was, here) but the truth is it's not. Again, trust is important, and sometimes it's something that cannot be won back. I liked the ending a lot. It was bittersweet, and featured all the characters moving on, but never forgetting. It's possibly one of the strongest endings I've read here (mostly because I rarely read all the way to the end, but still).

Which makes the fact that the story essentially shot itself in the foot all the more frustrating. There is one flaw I can pick at with this tale, and it's Anon. I cannot fathom what madness possessed the author when he/she decided Anon was a good idea. There are three major players in this story, and one of them is a boring, flat, unidentifiable internet construct I couldn't like if he bought me a pint of Doombar. It made his side of the story very difficult to identify with, and believe me when I say it should have been an excellent side of the story. Dealing with betraying someone you love, especially with such dire consequences, is interesting to explore and aside from making the character Anon it did it very well.

Now, before you go whining that this is just a personal preference, that I don't 'get' Anon, allow me to explain why the idea is pure nonsense. Anon is a character that's designed to be 'everyone', that everyone can identify with. There are three major problems there: the first is that I can't identify with everyone. Who can? We don't understand everyone, we understand ourselves. Crafting a character we can lose ourselves in, one we can empathize with is how engaging protagonists are made (or rather, one of the ways). I can't do that if I have nothing to latch onto. 'Everyone' doesn't have an identifiable trait, and the character suffers for it.

Point two: he's boring. He's dull and uninteresting. Bland as a sheet of paper. Next.

This one is the most important one of all: I'm aware he's an internet creation. Every time 'Anon' pops up on the screen it feels like a green faced individual is jumping out of my screen and screaming 'you're on the internet, suckah, and don't you ever forget it'. Immersion is completely ruined. I couldn't take the first chapter seriously because of it. I may not have even finished the story if it wasn't for Ruby, the real star of this story.

I really can't stress how much I regret the story presenting me with a protagonist I couldn't give a rats arse about. It was doing everything right. Minus Anon, this is one of the best stories I've read, and might have made it to my personal favourites. But I don't care about Anon, and he brings an otherwise excellent story to merely 'good'. Yes, he's just one character, but a character who is, optimistically, a third of the story.

Still, there's no denying my earlier points. I hate the story's choice of character, but Fluttershy and Ruby are played perfectly, and are both relatable and enjoyable. If Ruby's second person schtick can get a nineteen year old male student to feel like a pregnant diamond dog, it's doing something right. So this is certainly a story accepted.

And so I leave you with my parting words:

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