Story Reviews » Round Robin Reviews # 6 · 11:32pm May 14th, 2016
The Round Robin Reviews are written by different groups and reviewers taking turns each week. If you are a story reviewer or part of a group that reviews stories and would be interested in joining the Round Robin Reviews, feel free to PM me (Wanderer D), Professor Plum, or ElDorado to tell us about it.
Oh, look, it’s my turn again. Ah, but this time I’m ready for it!
Howdy, folks. PaulAsaran here, and unlike the last time we met, I won’t be reusing old reviews. No, this time we’ve got five freshly picked, never-before-seen reviews pulled out of the oven, nice and crispy.
For those of you wondering how I pick out these reviews, I have some simple criteria. For every week of my regular blog, I schedule 5-6 stories to be reviewed. My regular scoring system includes five different ratings, and I do accept review requests. The requirements to get into the Roung Robin in my case are simple: they must meet the rules of the Round Robin itself (non-Mature, less than 5,000 views) and they must earn my personal score of ‘Pretty Good’ or ‘WHYRTY?’ Stories that I pick for the Round Robin are pulled from the regular pool.
Getting either of those scores does not guarantee getting into the Round Robin, though, otherwise I’d never have any for my regular reviews (and my reading schedule would be impossible to coordinate with my review schedule). Thus, the stories you see below are stories that not only met all the above criteria, but caught my attention in a certain way the other stories didn’t. Essentially, these are the stories I feel deserve the extra attention.
Oh, and it’s just me here. No oversight at all. So, uh, if I slip up on something, feel free to shove it down my throat. Probably be good for me.
On to the reviews!
Stories for This Session:
A Light in Dark Places by Lucky Dreams
The Secrets of Bitmore Theater by Kegisak
The Red Sign by Oceanic EldritchSpires (Recommended by Yalwin Khales)
Bookworm's Delight by naturalbornderpy (Recommended by Thought Prism)
Legend of the Shotgun by SleepIsforTheWeak (Re-Read)
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
A Light in Dark Places
5,717 Words
By Lucky Dreams
Recommended by Pascoite
Children’s stories can and should be a delight to read. The best are designed to evoke vivid imagery to dazzle a child’s imagination. They can be as fun to write as they are to read.
In this brief bedtime story, Apple Bloom is put to bed by her big sister during a frigid winter’s night. Although she is frightened on this night, she refuses to acknowledge it; Applejack plays along, but gives AB a firefly lantern to keep her company that night. As Apple Bloom drifts off to sleep, she comes to have a vivid nightmare in which she learns to accept her fear and appreciate Applejack a bit more.
Like any good children’s story, A Light in Dark Places crafts delightful imagery with witty, almost lyrical prose to build a dream world both playful and pretty. Apple Bloom’s journey through caves and beneath oceans and across the stars is a delight to behold as the author utilizes a writing style both whimsical and entertaining, yet strong enough to make the scenes distinct.
This doesn’t always play in the story’s favor; sometimes the fantastical imagery gets in the way of understanding Apple Bloom’s current emotional state so that, when it is finally clarified, it comes as something of a surprise. This felt like only a minor issue; in most cases AB’s thoughts were effectively put on display.
I could nitpick about the use of assorted types of emphasis tools, but I think they were used effectively enough to not warrant it. Perhaps I could talk about how I really don’t like having pictures in the story itself, but it only happens once at the very beginning – the cover art reappearing in the first chapter, which is redundant – and so it really isn’t a big deal. The ending was just a little confusing, but given the expected imagery of a children’s story I’m willing to let it go.
In summation, A Light in Dark Places is a fun, whimsical and witty story with a touching moral and beautiful imagery. It’s not the most amazing story I’ve ever read, but it’s earned its place on my bookshelves.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Secrets of Bitmore Theater
76,658 Words
By Kegisak
Requested by Absolution
This story caught my attention pretty quickly, and I was pleased when Absolution requested it, as that made it possible for me to get to it faster. I haven’t mentioned it much, but I happen to think that Silver Spoon is one of the best-designed characters in the show; I love everything about her look. Beyond that, the general lack of knowledge we have about her (remember I don’t pay attention to the comics) and her tendency to be Diamond Tiara’s satellite opens her up to a wide range of possibilities, from irredeemable villain to closet hero.
In The Secrets of Bitmore Theater, Sweetie Belle finds herself stuck on a business trip to one of Rarity’s fashion shows at the famous Bitmore Theater. To her consternation, the theater’s new owners happen to be the parents of Silver Spoon, and the two are stuck spending an entire weekend together. Realizing they’ve nothing to gain from avoiding or being mean to one another, they call a truce and agree to try to spend some time together in a showing of mutual toleration. What starts out as an annoying situation soon takes a different direction than either of them anticipate.
First thing’s first: despite the cover art, this story is not anthro. The characters are indeed ponies; I imagine Kegisak simply had trouble finding a more suitable cover image. Anyway, those of you vehement anti-anthro haters need not turn away, it’s safe… even if the author does have an unfortunate tendency to use human terms every now and then, most notably ‘feet.’
This story was a delight to read from beginning to end. Silver Spoon and Sweetie Belle have delightfully distinguishable and recognizable voices, their behavior and reactions are appropriate, and their relationship felt very real. Granted, they built up their relationship in only the span of a weekend, which is far too fast for me to consider realistic, but given the pacing and style of the story I find it hard to complain. Kegisak made it work without the romance feeling like a whirlwind of lustful emotions, and for that I am pleased.
I did encounter a number of oddities, though. For one, continuity with the show is questionable at best. It’s clear the story takes place a few years after the show, and the CMC all have their cutie marks by this time. There are some significant changes, some of them quite jarring. While I was willing to accept the majority as reasonable assumptions about how the world has evolved in three years, some of them just don’t feel kosher.
A strong example is that Diamond is still a jerk to all involved, but Crusaders of the Lost Mark is still canon to this story. I distinctly recall Kegisak blogging about how that episode – which aired while this story was being written – screwed with his plans, but he came up with something to make it connect: he simply had Diamond Tiara fail to keep up the lessons she learned from the episode.
This, I feel, was a mistake. When you start a story, you should own it. It’s yours, and who cares what the show’s creators do or think? Bending your own story to fit newly discovered canon puts an extra strain on it that might not work, and there’s no demand of writers to keep their ongoing works consistent with changes in the show. Indeed, most writers/readers/reviewers out there will tell you that a story needs only be up-to-date as of the day the story’s first chapter was published.
The reason I bring all this up is simple: this story, which was doing wonderfully on its own power utilizing Kegisak’s headcanon, gained a kind of tenseness, a tip-toeing “I don’t know if this is the right course or not” anxiety that stems entirely from the shift to maintain canonicity (that's a word because shut up) with Crusaders of the Lost Mark. It didn’t ruin the story, but to me it colored the characters deeply and hurt what was already a very strong story.
There were the few headcanons that struck me as downright silly, such as the idea that Manehattan is only three hours away from Ponyville (thereby answering my early questions about how Silver could live in Manehattan but still go to school in Ponyville, although it’s still a stretch). I’ve never been one to subscribe to Equestria as a small nation, and this makes it feel tiny. There’s also the question of the characters’ ages, with Rarity telling Sweetie she’s ‘not quite a teenager yet’ but the fillies acting in a manner that strongly suggests otherwise. These are entirely superficial and subjective complaints, though, so feel free to ignore them.
Less subjective, I felt, was the strange manner of the adults in the story. Take, for example, an early scene where Sweetie and Silver come barrelling out of a creepy back room, crying of Phantoms and arsonists. Do the adults (such as Rarity) listen at all? No, they just gripe at them for going where they’re not supposed to. There’s no attention paid to the fact that both fillies are scared out of their wits, and nobody even considers heading into the back rooms to investigate and at least provide proper reassurance through demonstration. At times like this, the adults’ behavior felt forced in order to keep the story going a certain way.
But this is all nothing compared to the overwhelming amount of “yes” I have for this story on the whole. The writing is mostly solid, the character building and relationship development are strong, the conclusion satisfying. I loved getting into Silver’s head as she struggled to choose between her growing feelings for Sweetie and her loyalty to Diamond. The recurring support she gets from her dog Nova and their salty assistant Kelson aided in completing the picture. Kegisak also showed a strong understanding of atmosphere, albeit with some stumbles.
Overall, this story is fun, entertaining and just a little dramatic. The romance isn’t quite as strong as it could be, but as a story in general, The Secrets of Bitmore Theater wins. I strongly recommend it for anyone who wants to see Silver Spoon as something other than Diamond Tiara’s lackey and desire a well-crafted story along the way.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Red Sign
5,808 Words
By Oceanic EldritchSpires
Recommended by Yalwin Khales
Right before I began reading this story, the author contacted me with dire warnings that it was not that good. As they say, we are our own worst critics.
The Red Sign is Lovecraftian horror mixed with a bit of Edgar Allen Poe. From what I can tell, it was designed by a fan of older horror stories for similar such fans. The writing takes on that telly, slow and descriptive nature so often seen in classics of the genre, such as H.F. Arnold’s The Night Wire or Jean Ray’s The Mainz Psalter (does anyone have any idea what I’m talking about?).
In this tale, we learn of how Canterlot has fallen under the sway of some presumed dark magic in which the city is covered in blood red snow and a great many of the citizens have succumbed to a madness of cults, ritual sacrifices and worship, all supposedly brought forth by an enigmatic figure known only as The Lady In Red. Our protagonist, a journalist trying to determine the truth of the situation, gradually falls into the web of evil, night terrors and eldritch horrors that is consuming the city.
There can be no question that this story is intended for a specific, niche audience. I can say with all honesty that I am among that audience. I can’t tell if the author is well-versed in the style chosen or if this is an attempt to merely emulate the works of the past, but in either case it strikes me as a success. There are a few typos, grammatical slip ups and a handful of scenes that I think could have been handled differently, but on the whole it is a solid display of a classical weird tale of Lovecraftian influences.
However, I must repeat that this is a story for a niche audience. Most of you probably won’t be interested simply because it’s not your cup of tea (mmm, Cthulhu-flavored!). There are also those of you who can’t stand the classical writing style, which is telly in the extreme. As such, I think I can only recommend this to those readers who are thoroughly interested in exploring dark stories modeled off of classical horrors. If that’s not your thing, might be best to move on.
But for what it’s worth, I quite enjoyed it. Where my rating is concerned, that’s the important thing.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Bookworm's Delight
31,055
by naturalbornderpy
Recommended by Thought Prism
Cursed books. People with vendettas. Psychopaths. All fairly common material when you think about it. I would venture that putting these things together in a way that works despite the tired nature of the concepts requires some skill.
Say hello to naturalbornderpy’s Bookworm’s Delight.
In this tale, Princess Twilight decides to do a little light reading one morning with a book that was donated to the castle library. The moment she cracks it open and reads the first sentence, however, things go wrong: she can’t speak, she can’t move, she can't cast magic. She can only read, read about a pony who hates her. A pony who intends for her to die laying there, doing nothing but flipping pages until starvation or thirst take their toll.
This story was well written, possessed good overall characterization, but above all, it is emotional. As one who judges stories by the emotions they convey, I am impressed. Twilight’s ever growing despair and struggle to figure out why this is happening to her are conveyed to the reader with accuracy without being overbearing. Even when these events pass and we move on to the next stage of the story, the stress never quite leaves, and I feel that the final solution is an accurate testament of Twilight’s character and faith.
But let me not mislead. Because that’s what the description somewhat does; I went into the story convinced that Twilight’s struggle for freedom would be the overarching point. No, there are other things that go down, leading to a story much broader and with far more potentially deadly consequences. So those of you thinking “How interesting can it be reading about Twilight reading a book?”, that’s not all there is to this story. I’d explain in better detail, but I think I’ll avoid the spoilers this time.
A few topics may bug people. The most blatant is Rainbow Dash, who does something phenomenally dumb about halfway through the story. I found it to be generally in character, but I imagine there are some people who will think it too dumb a move. I suppose it comes down to how you interpret her character.
There’s also the topic of Twilight’s decisions throughout the story. It’s easy to think in hindsight “that was an obviously bad decision and she should have known better,” and this applies to Twilight. At times, her choices struck me as iffy, especially regarding her treatment of her friends. At the same time, and with some thinking, I realize that those decisions are also well within her character, especially considering the amount of duress she was under. But some may disagree with me on this point, hence the warning.
The last issue I had with the story is one I’ve noted in the past for other stories. Throughout the entirety of Bookworm’s Delight, there is one agonizing question: who is responsible. The big reveal, then, is rather annoying. Why? Because you won’t be able to guess the culprit. Not because the mystery is so well planned, but because the villain’s total canonical existence in MLP is zero, unless there’s a split-second screenshot I don’t know about. So if you’re the type who reads these stories eagerly trying to solve the mystery, don’t bother, because this mystery is unsolvable.
In naturalbornderpy’s defense, I don’t think the mystery itself was the main draw of the story. It’s more like one aspect of the building tension. In a way, the anticlimactic reveal is part of the point, and a factor in the villains’ entire purpose.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. While it isn’t brilliant in concept, it shines in delivery, giving us tense ride filled with emotion and suspense. From the strong writing style to the constant nagging feeling that anything can go wrong at any time, it pulled me along with no small amount of skill.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Legend of the Shotgun
10,661 Words
By SleepIsforTheWeak
Re-Read
Ah, yes, I remember this one. Specifically, I remember being disappointed, because the anticipation created by the title never bore fruit. But now I get to take another look at it, this time with a bit more preparedness, and my interpretation of the story is completely different.
The Legend of the Shotgun is set in an AU where Rarity and Applejack are married and have three kids – Opal, Topaz and Jasper. How is it two mares were able to have children? Uh… magic. Oh, and Pinkie and Rainbow have kids, too. But that’s all background; the important bit is that each of Rarity’s and Applejack’s kids are of dating age. The story consists of three chapters, each devoted to a different member of the next generation of the Apple Family bringing their special someponies home for dinner.
In my second run-through of the story, I must admit to enjoying it far more. Each chapter is told in a style different enough from the others to really bring home the sense that we are looking from different perspectives. This ability to change styles in a story depending upon who is doing the narration is hard, at least for me, and I have nothing but praise for the author in this regard. From Opal’s incessantly witty narrative – which can be argued as a little too creative or not creative enough, depending on your tastes – to Jasper’s constant angsty self-observation, SleepIsforTheWeak truly flaunts a talent at personality recognition.
This goes on to help in the identification of the other characters, showing that the author doesn’t have to be looking at things from a characters’ perspective to really catch said characters personality. We might be dealing with OCs, but they are well defined OCs.
The story – or rather, stories – is also interesting. We get three unique looks at three very different types of relationships, why they work and why they fail. From teenage hormones to more mature anxieties, we run the full gamut. I can’t help but wonder if SleepIsforTheWeak simply wrote this for the sake of experimenting with different relationship types.
There is, of course, that one glaring issue. I mean, the story is called Legend of the Shotgun. Its cover art is of Applejack looking mighty threatening with said shotgun. One would think that, somewhere amongst all the fretting and character building and two mothers dealing with the next stage of their children’s lives, an actual shotgun and the legend purported to exist around it would come up. Instead, we get the barest mention in chapter one… and then the topic disappears.
Who here saw the title and cover art and grinned, expecting to see AJ being an overprotective badass of a mother? Well, wipe those smiles from your faces, because in this case we’ve got a bit of false advertising.
That one big disappointment aside, I really enjoyed this story. I would highly recommend it to those seeking to develop their writing; there’s something to be learned here about channeling different characters’ voices through the narrative. That demonstration alone makes this one a worthy read.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
If you enjoyed these reviews, feel free to check my blog on Thursdays for the latest set! The goal is to write at least five reviews every week. I also accept review requests – see my profile page for more information.
I knew you'd love Bookworm's Delight as much as I do.
Regarding "canonicity" (heck, Merriam-Webster added "meet-cute"; what's wrong with "canonicity"?), this is a risk any fanfiction writer takes when they focus on a still-continuing franchise. I think the best you can do is accept that your work has become an alternate-universe work at that point, and continue ahead as originally planned.
Oh hey, uh, wow, thanks. Wasn't expecting this.
3945129
Stop boastin'.
3945328
I agree 100%... unless you see something new done in canon that's just awesome *coughreaperLunahack* and want to make your story 20% cooler. There are good ways to adjust and bad ways.
3945426
Heh. You're welcome.
I think that for anypony who has a taste for children's stories and children's poetry, "A light in dark places" will rank very high.
Silly person.
Foot: the terminal part of the vertebrate leg upon which an individual stands.
Hoof: a hoofed foot especially of a horse
Sin ofender pero al leer sobre las reseñas se nota como si tubieras un complejo de grandeza que espero no sea asi, aparte una parte que si debes comentar es -la historia tiene/usa cliche-, ¿que tanto?,esta bien empleado o es una basura aburrida.
Espero que cuando suba mi historia en algun momento pueda ser vista por el grupo.
3960348 Sin ofender, pero escribir una respuesta asi en Español, no da la impresion de que realmente quieras que el autor de las reseñas te entienda. En todo caso, las reseñas aqui no son de historias en un grupo. Todas son historias que las differentes personas y grupos que forman parte de los Round Robins han encontrado por su parte y han decidido que merecen mas atencion.