More Things Lyra Heartstrings Is No Longer Allowed To Do in the ETSAB · 10:41am Apr 24th, 2016
I must admit, I was caught off-guard by this week not having a new pony episode. That’s what I get for not taking a closer look at the schedule. I guess they really want to build up the Trixie hype.
Fortunately, while I may have exhausted the episode backlog, I had something on hand for just this contingency: more silliness with Lyra, Agent of ETSAB, the Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau, which is to temporaspacial continuity what a weather patrol is to the water cycle. See here for the first hundred, and read on for the next installment.
I wrote #102 and everything from #150 on. Credit for the rest goes to the following:
Alaborn: #103
Bliss Authority: #119-149
Bugsydor: #104 & 105
Georg: #101
Grtgfbll: #117 & 118
G S tol Kriaal: #106 & 107
horizon: #108-114
vulpineRyth: #115 & 116
Most references have been linked for your convenience, and several that haven't have footnotes explaining why.
101. I will not attempt to program any AI to understand what individual minds value and then satisfy their values through friendship and ponies.
102. Just because one instance of Prince Blueblood became a better pony after giving birth doesn't mean I should try to impregnate all of them.
103. Not all seaponies say "Shoo-be-doo-be-doo."
104. I will stop telling new recruits that Bon Bon's hair always tastes like cotton candy.
105. Even if it does.
106. I am not Bonbon's waifu, nor is she mine.
107. I am not allowed to use the term "waifu" to describe relationships.
108. Honking the car horn and shouting, "Get in, loser, we're going to Hot Topic," is not the proper response to meeting my evil mirror-universe counterpart.
109. Neither is that the proper response to any situation Command can imagine.
110. I am to assume that Command has a better imagination than me.
111. Attempting to prove #110 wrong by challenging "Fall of Equestria" Bon Bon to an "Atrocity-Off" is punishable by one million years dungeon1.
112. When Bon Bon gets that twitch in the corner of her eye, "one million years dungeon" is to be taken as a literal description.
113. Asking "The fun kind of dungeon?" while raising my eyebrows and smirking is the reason I'm there now.
114. For the benefit of future Lyras, I am to explicitly note that, no, this is NOT "the fun kind of dungeon."
115. The following things are no longer allowed to be near each other at the same time: druid land magic, squirrel nests, and Fluttershy. We're still rebuilding the wastelands from the first three times this happened.
116. "Because a big glowly transparent dragon told me to do" Is no longer a good excuse for accidentally erasing yourself.
117. Approaching Pinkie with anything even REMOTELY resembling coffee, energy drinks, or Mountain Dew is expressly forbidden.
118. It's wasn't funny the first time we had to rebuild a timeline from scratch, much less the seventh.
119. My superior officer’s last name is not Zacherlie.
120. Starswirl’s Last Theorem is a privilege, not a right.
121. I am not to play the Imperial March when Princess Celestia arrives at my location.
122. Not even if it’s Princess Celestia of the Conversion Bureau2.
123. I am not to play Careless Whisper when Princess Celestia arrives at my location, either.
124. On that note, Luna is not a gamer, and would not like tickets to the League of Legends invitational.
125. I am to consider my cover blown if I become a League of Legends champion.
126. Unless I’m on assignment to Runeterra.
127. I am not to tell new recruits that Universe Zero-Zero-Gamma is under a CODE: NIGHTMARE SOCKS quarantine.
128. Rainbow Dash only infrequently dresses in style.
129. The cupcakes in the mess hall are made out of eggs, flour, sugar, milk, butter, and chocolate. I am not to imply that they contain more exotic ingredients3.
130. I am not to taste the Rainbow.
131. Especially not the Rainbow Dash.
132. I am not to call upon the Seaponies when I’m in distress.
133. That is not a demonic duck of some kind.
134. Yes, there is an actual bearer of the Element of Tacos. She is a member of an endangered species, and her universe is not to be disturbed.
135. Donut Steele is not the Bearer of the Element of Surprise.
136. Under no circumstances is Donut Steele to be made an agent.
137. Neither is Kefentse.
138. I am not to introduce Only Human to Equestrian TV on every plane I visit.
139. It can’t happen, not even on the Hub.
140. Zoe Trent is not an alternative version of HH Twilight, and I am not to refer to her as “Twilight Barkle.”
141. If I meet with any version of Pinkie Pie with multiple personalities, I’m going to have to be more explicit about that in my report than saying “the local Pinkie is good people.”
142. The closest to “waffling my waifu” that Flash Sentry has ever gotten was when he took Twilight Sparkle to an IHOP.
143. There are no such creatures as Kitchen Dinks.
144. ETSAB agents are not part of a sentai team, and therefore I cannot form the hand.
145. I cannot form the head either.
146. I am not to name a mission Operation Adjective Noun.
147. Having a favorite store on the Citadel will blow my cover.
148. Wubs are not suitable for cleaning dishes.
149. Never speak of the “Cutie Mark Crusader ETSAB Agents, YEAH!” incident.
150. Library Hounds are not great with kids.
151. I am not spoken of in any prophecies, ancient or otherwise.
152. I am not the Messiah; I am a very naughty filly.
153. Not the fun kind of naughty.
154. That Which Pony Was Not Meant To Know is not my department.
155. Continuing to say it is will be interpreted as a request to transfer to the Office of Eldritch Beings.
156. I will not attempt to matchmake between happily married Bureau consultants and department heads just because they're cute together in other timelines.
157. Or for any other reason.
158. I will not attempt to matchmake.
159. I will stop shouting "Social Link GO!" at the Flash Sentry of Universe Nine-Three-Gamma4.
160. That was not permission to begin shouting it at every other instance of Flash Sentry.
161. The spell is called the Hyperstring Resonance Communication Window, not "Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Elastiphone."
162. Using a pony as a battering ram while inactive was unfortunate. Using one while active is inexcusable.
163. Even if it's another instance of myself.
164. I will not help my local analogue improve the Fing-er.
165. I will not help my local analogue prove the existence of humans.
166. I will stop helping my local analogues.
167. Except Eight-Six-Pi, as per the Swell Hoodie Allowance.
168. Sunset Shimmer, Spirit of Harmony is not feeling particularly happy or fun, and thus taunting her is an even worse idea than normal.
169. I am to never again do whatever led to Princess Siemsi, the Alicorn of Cutie Marks.
170. I will accept the judgement of local embodiments of Nature's Law when they tell me the hairline cracks in their universe can't be solved with a little hyperdimensional caulk.
171. For the purposes of the Bureau, it would, in fact, matter if I were a changeling, if only at the cafeteria.
172. I will not replace Dotted Line's tea with Foalger's crystals and "see if he notices the difference."
173. The Dark Lord Sassaflash does not eat 1d6 adventurers per turn.
174. Neither does Mr. Mule.
175. Loudly pointing out the absurdities of worldlines that operate on "porn logic" is not appreciated by the central office or those worlds' inhabitants.
176. While the romance of Princess Celestia (Zero-Zero-Kappa) and King Sombra (Zero-Zero-Mu) can be accurately described as the most destructive booty call in the history of probability space, that doesn't mean I should call it that.
177. Especially not to their faces.
178. I do not have the authority to pronounce Exterminatus on worldlines.
179. I do not have underlings, much less the authority to summarily execute them.
180. I will give the commissar's hat back.
181. In the event that I find myself within the polycosmic manifold known as "Yggdrasil," I will not seek an internship with its administrators.
182. I will also not try to become the "Sixth Ranger" of my local analogue's personality collective therein.
183. Littlepip is not the Princess of Getting Shot.
184. Neither is Blackjack.
185. Neither is Lonely Day.
186. The Section Chief does not even want to hear about that one spell I picked up while on vacation, much less try it out.
187. Temporaspacially displaced humans should be promptly returned to their home dimensions, not laughed at.
188. I will not threaten to banish ponies to the Worldline of Nothing but Shrimp.
189. I do not have the authority to order Starlight Glimmer to correct the timelines she created.
190. I am not permitted within a two-mile radius of the Capricious Crown of Capra.
191. I will not make lists of things that can stop the Smooze.
192. I will not bribe Twilight Sparkle with books that were never written in the local timeline.
193. I will stop suggesting superhero names that I feel are better than "Harpflank."
194. Virtually no instance of the Crystal Empire requires more minerals, vespene gas, or pylons.
195. If it makes Discord laugh, I should assume I'm not allowed to do it.
196. If it drives Discord sane, I'm definitely not allowed to do it.
197. Flugelhorns are not proper anti-siren devices.
198. Neither are kazoos.
199. I will stop listing things my versebreaker analogue isn't allowed to do and assume all such restrictions automatically apply to me as well.
200. I will stop referring to myself as "the pretty Lyra."
201. Just because Green Grass is used to this kind of insanity doesn't put him on the "need to know" list.
202. I am not allowed in any worldline undergoing a Thiasus.
203. When I want to determine whether a given worldline once harbored an ancient, hyper-advanced civilization, I have a number of approved methods at my disposal, from trained archeologists to time travel. Shouting "Hey, Fusion Pulse!" and seeing if Princess Celestia reacts isn't one of them.
—
Compiler's Notes:
1. Hyperlink omitted in the interest of good taste.
2. Hyperlink omitted due to local fire code.
3. Hyperlink omitted due to memetic ubiquity.
4. Hyperlink to Persona EG omitted due to site policy.
Awesome, though in the interests of being safe, I would not allow her within the same worldline as the Capricious Crown.
Lyra is best background pony.
No leavening agent? Are they sourdough cupcakes?
Challenge accepted
You do realize of course that this means Lyra will have to become an intern in the loops.
For reasons.
The Library Hounds are pleased with this
Most certainly!
"Equestrian Time-Space Administration Bureau. What does that mean to you?"
"That somepony really wanted our initials to spell 'baste' backwards."
Oh god I know what this is.
Many of these were really funny, but as a webcomic geek I am obligated to declare this one my favorite.
204. I will not threaten to "Unseal the Weapon of the Ancients" upon my enemies.
You put in a StarCraft reference. ALL THE WIN!
Why not? Being able to stop an eldritch slime abomination from eating everything would seem really useful.
204. I will not put quotation marks around the word "infiltrate" in any of my mission directives or status reports.
205. Nor in anypony else's mission directives or status reports.
206. I will not use quotation marks for anything but actual quotes.
207. I will not borrow ponies from the Triptych Continuum just to point out stupidity somewhere else.
208. I will not take Starlight Glimmer on missions for the sole purpose of clapping sarcastically.
209. I will not take Starlight Glimmer on time-travel missions just to "show her how it's done."
210. Flurry Heart is not the Princess of Death-Sneezes.
211. Except in that one universe where she is.
212. I will not use Flurry Heart as a hoofheld weapon.
213. Even if it works really really well.
214. Teasing Sunburst until he passes out is not funny.
215. Okay, yes, it is. But it's still not a nice thing to do.
216. Dragons are not grumpy because they "just need to get laid". Even if the dragon-pony treaty and Dragonlord Ember's coital history correlate in surprisingly many timelines.
217. I will not use the Alicorn Amulet as paperweight, the Idol of Boreas as a bookend and the Staff of Sameness as a doorstopper. I will not use the Elements of Harmony as any of those things.
218. I will not give Clutterstep power tools.
219. I will not give Clutterstep regular tools.
220. Rarity is not Rara.
221. Rarity is not Cadence either.
222. Nopony is anypony else until we say so.
223. I will not go around asking ponies to "draw me like one of their Prench mares."
224. I will not compare lists with Schadenfreude.
225. I will not trade lists with Schadenfreude.
226. I will stay the buck away from Schadenfreude.
QUICK LYRA! US A Vuvzuzela!
I got mentioned in the credits!
Thank you for expanding the list and posting it here. Loved the one about Fusion Pulse, in particular.
- Introducing Pinkie and/or Discord to the Warner Brothers and/or their sister Dot.
- Introducing the Warners to Equestria is right out.
- I will not sing "Pinky and the Brain" whenever Pinkie visits Twilight.
- Nor will i do so when Twilight visits Pinkie.
- Humming it is not an option.
- No whistling, either.
- In the event that the above rules are broken (or someone else sings it), I am not allowed to ask "Which is which?" after the line "One is a Genius, the other's Insane."
Why no, Officer, I haven't been watching "Animaniacs" recently. Why do you ask?
Also, thanks for the shout-out. I thought that was hilarious.
(Funny coincidence, Lyra features prominently in the next chapter of Persona EG...
)
What about morally ambiguous alternate universe counterparts?
227. I will not declare that instead of a name, a Bureau consultant is to be referred to in print by the pictographic representation of a baked good.
3892649
Officially, it's a two-mile radius. Unofficially and for that specific Lyra, it's the entire eastern half of the continent.
3892652
You'll have to take that one up with Bliss Authority.
3892663 3892678
I find myself greatly intrigued to see what comes of these reactions.
3892731
Not entirely sure what that "Most certainly!" is referring to, but I'm glad to have your vaguely defined approval.
3892732
Purely coincidental. Any accusations of the ETSAB emerging from a human worldline's turkey hotline are entirely false.
Ooooooh, that must have been baaaaaaaaaaaaad.
3892789
Care to enlighten me? If there's a reference involved, I didn't catch it.
3892826
They already have one on record, and she was being really obnoxious about disproving the Smooze's musical assertions of unstoppability.
3892842
I caught most of the reference, but who's Schadenfreude, and where's he from?
3892916
I have agents everywhere, my friend. Everywhere.
DISCLAIMER: FoME does not actually have agents everywhere.
3893016
That one's unclear, appropriately enough.
No, Lyra, that wasn't a suggestion.
3893098
Corrolary 227a. Or her own face.
3893264 Somepony having her face for a cutie mark is bad enough. We don't need that because of Legal being stupid.
By the way, I have a clever theory about why she's represented like this:
You know how the show is supposed to be from the perspective of the Mane Six, right? Only one of them 
actually knows her real name and since she's an adult child, she falsely assumes that they do too. Since they're stuck for a name, they use vague references to grey ponies and resort to hieroglyphics.
3893264
It's an infamous two-card combo from days of yore. Earthcraft (the druid land magic) plus Squirrel Nest on a basic land yields infinite squirrels. And apparently Fluttershy is more than ok with that.
228. I am not to use a plushie as myself as a horn warmer. Apparently it "doesn't look right."
229. I am also not to switch places with any of said doll, regardless of size-changing magic.
230. When visiting a version of the Seireitei, I am to leave the jigokuchō alone.
231. I am also not allowed to add to any of their lists.
232. Not even if its something on my list that's not on theirs.
3893264
Heh, sorry. I just have a habit of comparing my characters to yours, and that was too much of a good chance to pass up.
3893264
Noogies more magic lore into Fans noggin.
wow you write sideboard of harmony and din't know one of the oldest squirrel production tricks?
as for Schadenfreude the story that's part one of many stories that are about the most awesome pony troll in canterlot
3893264
The irony that this is the one reference you didn't know is delicious.
3893257
Dotted became Nightstallion Sinensis, which shouldn't even possible in that universe. There were no survivors.
3893303
."
Attempts to make her name more widely known simply resulted in ponies thinking of her as "The Mare Formerly Known as
R.I.P. Prince
3893312 3893398
I didn't make the "druid land magic = Earthcraft" connection. In my defense, there are a lot of Magic cards that could be described as druid land magic.
3893378
Honestly, I don't see much moral ambiguity on the part of Necrolyra. Of course, given how one of the first D&D character I ever made was a neutral good necromancer, I'm a bit biased in that regard.
3893459
Possibly; though might have tossed around the idea of her having a few (literal) skeletons in her closet and an alter to a few minor dark deities. Luna's just her main deity of choice, after all.
3893459
Yeah, that's fair.
3893250
For now:
For later:
Wait for later chapters for canonical prophecies.
FUCKING. SQRLS. EVERYTIME.
It should be added for the second one that even we don't know HOW THE FUCK THAT WORKED. We just applied head to wall till the headache and blood stops.
On another note:
"Fluttershy is also no longer allowed near these things at once: Growing wild hounds and Blue mass ethering magic. It was funny only once."
3892652 It was this moment that BlissAuthority realized: he had
ed up.
I recited this list at BABSCon and "Littlepip is not the Princess of Getting Shot" reduced Tabletop to a gigglefit, so nice work!
Is ETSAB agent Lyra allowed to have anything to do with the Lyra Michelakos the human Element of magic?
3894380
Oh! Fantastic! Glad I could contribute to the con somehow.
3894428
See #165.
3894657
That's a loophole. Michelakos has already proven the existence of humans, so #165 doesn't apply.
(So, did you read the Schadenfreude list? For comparison, of course.)
3898079
Honestly? I feel it overplayed the joke on both micro and macro levels. The multi-point prohibitions were both too long and too frequent, making the whole sequence drag. There needs to be single-point items to change up the flow and add some punch. Plus, there wasn't anything truly, jaw-droppingly outrageous or hilarious, just a whole lot of obnoxiousness.
Mind adding a link in the old one to this continuation?
3898488
Already have. The link's in the "here" of "See here for the first hundred."
3898230
Hmm... well, fair enough.
I stand by my loophole thing, though.
3892732
Well, that stands to reason, since Bureau ponies are baste ponies.
223. I will not duel anybody to the death.
224. Bureau Agents do not have the authority to "revoke flirting privileges".
225. I will not ask Discord to destabilise the timeline for me.
225a. Starswirl the Bearded is not my role model.
226. My individual magic colour is gold, not octarine.
227. Nightmare Moon was not banished for pronouncing "gif" wrong.
228. I do not have a Cobrastani passport.
3914922
229: It's not even a real country anyway.
230: My Golden Door priveliges have been revoked.
231: "What Would Megan Do?" is not a substitute for operational policy.
Nice to see this again! ... Was trying to find the versebreakers' motto for Latin for Orange... Don't worry, I know it's in Group Precipitation.
That should be "4."
Gotta disagree with that
But surely the Crystal Empire requires more Overlords?
4760703
No, silly, that's the changelings.
I really wish I could like and fave blog posts, because this is some comedy gold right here.
This reminds me of the list for Schadenfreude von Douchehorse.