Things Lyra Heartstrings is No Longer Allowed To Do in the ETSAB · 11:39pm May 14th, 2015
Bliss Authority sent me these, and they're too fantastic not to share. (In fact, I liked them so much, I wrote numbers 60 through 100.)
If you're unfamiliar with my Magic crossovers, the Equestrian TIme-Space Administration Bureau is devoted to maintaining Equestria's time-space continuum the same way Cloudsdale manages weather. Lyra in particular works in the Office of Parallel Timelines, keeping an eye on everything that can happen. Her coworkers are all different versions of herself, and her boss is a human version of Bonbon who ascended to the human equivalent of alicornhood. Now then:
1. I am not the Bearer of the Element of Tacos.
2. Sonata Dusk is not the Bearer of the Element of Tacos either.
3. Sonata Dusk does not particularly like tacos, except in as much as they contain ground minotaur.
4. When on assignment to a human world, I am not to ask if the hamburger is anyone I know.
5. Chicks do not dig lyres.
6. My PDA is not to be referred to as an ‘ETSAB issue Stupid Device.”
7. Twilight Sparkle is not capable of using the Twilight Breaker at will.
8. I am not to unleash the hounds.
9. Just say no to black mana.
10. Lightning Bolt is not the cause of, and the solution to, all of life’s problems.
11. Neither is Giant Growth.
12. We do not have a Muffin Budget.
13. We do not have a Taco Budget.
14. We do not have a Cider Budget.
15. Continuing this line of conversation will tempt you to institute a Cider Budget and is therefore prohibited.
16. When on assignment to the "Lunaverse," I am not to gasp in horror at the silver bits.
17. A Lunaverse copper bit is a jangle. It is not a Bojangle, and it is definitely not a Mister Bojangle.
18. “Hey Candybutt” is not a proper way of addressing a superior officer.
19. Neither is “You know I love you, Bonnie.”
20. “Sweetie Drops” is right out.
21. “Wait a minute… THIS ISN’T MY WORLD!” was funny precisely once.
22. I did not forget how to use a neuralizer because I held it the wrong way.
23. I am not to point out that sufficient amounts of C4 can, in fact, stop the Smooze.
24. Especially not to any version of Trixie.
25. I am not to remark on Discord seeming stony-faced.
26. Discord does not particularly appreciate the musical ouvre of Mic the Microphone.
27. I am to immediately report when Celestia is inexplicably pink.
28. I am to immediately report any timeline resulting in Skyla.
29. I am to make it clear that this is distinct from a timeline resulting in Skynet.
30. Prince Blueblood is not sick of all this Looped Time, nor am I worried, that he’s portrayed, by Bill Murray.
31. Do not taunt Happy Fun X-COM.
32. Do not taunt Happy Fun Luna.
33. Do not taunt Happy Fun Discord.
34. Do not taunt Happy Fun Bonbon.
35. This instance of myself has not made a contract to become a magical girl, and I am to report any instance of myself that has to Command immediately.
36. Versebreaking is done by trained professionals, and I am not to try it at home.
37. The inability to carry a tune in a bucket correlates with but does not cause the ability to Versebreak.
38. Let’s not do the Time Warp again.
39. Pinkie Pie is not a Euclid-class threat.
40. Pinkie Pie is not a Keter-class threat either.
41. There is no such thing as a Pinkie-class threat.
42. I am not to declare Code: NIGHTMARE PIE.
43. The motto of the ETSAB is not "Secure, Contain, Protect."
44. Nor is it "To Serve, Protect, and Get You The Buck Outta Here."
45. "Buck" is not a swear word.
46. I am not to use "Always" by Erasure as a heart-song.
47. Especially not in the company of any instance of Rainbow Dash.
48. I am not to needlessly duplicate Octavia.
49. Thou Shalt Not Seek Knowledge From Beyond The Fourth Wall.
50. My Sixty-Third Rune privileges have been revoked.
51. Even if I look studly as Harpsy.
52. And I quote: “Oh my god, Lyra, stop trying to make Princess Vinyl Scratch a thing.”
53. It’s not going to happen.
54. The destruction of the Golden Oaks library is not a threat to the timeline.
55. No matter what HH Twilight Sparkle has to say about it.
56. Any plan requiring a Megaspell Matrix is a bad plan.
57. I can restrain a target with an Oblivion Ring. I cannot restrain one with a literal onion ring.
58. I am not to develop a variety of onion ring that can be used as a restraint.
59. I am not to greet any agent by looking at the calendar and muttering "Well, that didn’t work."
60. I have no authority in the Royal Guard.
61. I have no authority in the Conversion Bureau.
62. I have no authority in the Canterlot Deportation Agency.
63. Especially not with regard to any instance of Lero Michaelides.
64. I do not dig the swell hoodie.
65. Bucky Bitters is not a toy, nor is he fun for all ages.
66. Neither are postapocalyptic Canadians.
67. Technically speaking, Equestria Online is a toy, but I still shouldn't mess with it.
68. The first time was an unavoidable accident. Trying to end up in that one human's bed again will be disciplined appropriately.
69. I am not to offer to hook Cloud Kicker up with herself.
70. "Is Sweetie Belle a robot?" is not an acceptable parameter for determining the nature of an unidentified timeline.
71. Neither is "Are Scootaloo's parents dead?"
72. I am not to interrupt an alicorn gorging session.
73. Faust is not my copilot.
74. Neither is Zacherle.
75. Larson is right out.
76. I am not to transport ponies to timelines where cults worship them.
77. I am not to form cults to ponies in the timelines they already inhabit.
78. Anything I do with a cult that doesn't involve disbanding it is probably not allowed.
79. I should still check with my supervisor first.
80. I do not need to give Good King Sombra a ticket for irresponsible use of a portal.
81. I do not need to give Star Swirl the Bearded a ticket for irresponsible use of a portal.
82. "Irresponsible use of a portal" is not actually a crime, and I am not allowed to give tickets.
83. I am not the size of a cat, even if I do love to cuddle.
84. I am not a twentieth-level love machine, and I should stop telling the residents of Everglow that I am.
85. I am not to call in several dozen instances of myself and make the town think that the Mirror Pool has been reopened.
86. I am not permitted to enter any timeline that contains Chaos gods with a capital C.
87. Or Sheogorath.
88. Princess Celestia does not need help finding a date.
89. There is no Royal Assassinorum.
90. "No poofters" is demonstrably not one of the ETSAB's rules of conduct.
91. "Lyra Heartstrings continues her journey west" does not constitute a proper status report.
92. The Tree of Harmony does not, nor does it ever, need pruning.
93. Timelines where ponies have an estrus cycle are not "obscene."
94. Timelines where ponies don't have an estrus cycle are not "unnatural."
95. I cannot hear the Important Capital Letters.
96. "Confidential" does not secretly mean "except the ponies it's talking about."
97. Especially not when those ponies are the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
98. My body shape does need to match that of the locals.
99. Dragons do not think of satyrs as "Two great tastes that taste great together."
100. While it's true that Bonbon is not amused, that doesn't mean I should point it out.
101. I am not a member of G.I. Pon, an elite organization dedicated to fighting the terrorist group SOMBRA and defending freedom across Equestria.
Edit from the future: See here for the next installment.
These are glorious.
Genius.
ahem BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!
... Yes. These are amazing. I dearly wish I could favorite and like blog posts, for this list has earned it on this day. I wish I could even enumerate all the references I saw and snickered at, but I really can't.
Of course you can't use onions for Oblivion Rings. You need a circle of sugar and a word of forbiddance.
Now I want to play Robot Unicorn Attack.
The only thing wrong with the list is I don't see any of my fics referenced.
Wonderful. I would add:
I will not attempt to program any AI to understand what individual minds value and then satisfy their values through friendship and ponies.
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102. Just because one instance of Prince Blueblood became a better pony after giving birth doesn't mean I should try to impregnate all of them.
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See number 67.
3070050 103. Seaponies do not say Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
And I see you play (or at least read about) Ponyfinder. I've had fun running two of the one-shots they rolled out, even if I don't think I'm quite ready to make up and run my own campaign yet.
104. I will stop telling new recruits that Bon Bon's hair always tastes like cotton candy.
105. Even if it does.
Looks like Lyra's been spending too much time with Mr. Welch and Dr. Bright.
3070015 I have your fics open on another tab and will be reading them so I can fix this.
3070102 Silly Bugsydor. Everypony knows it's Pinkie Pie whose mane tastes like cotton candy.
3070180
I'd seriously considered writing that instead, but I figured everypony already knew that.
106. I am not Bonbon's waifu, nor is she mine.
107. I am not allowed to use the term "waifu" to describe relationships
Well, come on, maintaining overwatch on The Destroyer At The End Of All Things is just common sense.
#41, however, is just a lie.
107. Honking the car horn and shouting, "Get in, loser, we're going to Hot Topic," is not the proper response to meeting my evil mirror-universe counterpart.
108. Neither is that the proper response to any situation Command can imagine.
109. I am to assume that Command has a better imagination than me.
110. Attempting to prove #109 wrong by challenging "Fall of Equestria" Bon Bon to an "Atrocity-Off" is punishable by one million years dungeon.
111. When Bon Bon gets that twitch in the corner of her eye, "one million years dungeon" is to be taken as a literal description.
112. Asking "The fun kind of dungeon?" while raising my eyebrows and smirking is the reason I'm there now.
113. For the benefit of future Lyras, I am to explicitly note that, no, this is NOT "the fun kind of dungeon."
My sides hurt..
- The following things are no longer allowed to be near each other at the same time: druid land magic, Squirrel nests, and Fluttershy. We're still rebuilding the wastelands for the first three times this happened.
- "Because a big glowly transparent dragon told me to do" Is no longer a good excuse for accidentally erasing yourself.
Heh! Funny stuff, but what really hit my funny bone was #91. Maybe it was the buildup?
116. Approaching Pinkie with anything even REMOTELY resembling coffee, energy drinks, or Mountain Dew is expressly forbidden.
117. It's wasn't funny the first time we had to rebuild a timeline from scratch, much less the seventh.
I recall some soldier has a running list of this exact nature, but cant recall where....
Number 12 is going to come as a rude shock to somepony.......unless that somepony lives in the splay "Address Unknown" is set in.
I'm not a huge fan of the ETSAB stuff (not that it's bad, I just find it rubs me kinda the wrong way) but I do enjoy the good ones. And this was fantastic. I got most of the references, and #95 nearly killed me. I'd like to see more of the different instances of Lyra (or other ETSAB operatives) interacting in the future. More stuff kinda like this.
But black mana is best mana!
Damn, there goes that idea.
It's a good thing I'm not Lyra.
Looking over these again, I find myself wondering:
Why is she not to needlessly duplicate Octavia, specifically?
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A while back, there was a bug in the pony mobile game that didn't remove Octavia from the shop after you purchased her, thus allowing you to acquire a theoretically infinite number of grey cellist ponies. Several stories were written on the subject.
Um, if this is referencing Nanoha like it seems to be, isn't the spell Starlight Breaker? So, wouldn't a more fitting version be:
"Starlight Glimmer is not capable of using the Starlight Breaker at will."
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The original was Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army. But Mr Welch's list of things he can't do in RPGs is also a classic.
Anyways, this was all great.
Is it wrong that I want to see that fic?
LIAR!
I've now added three things to my list of things to do if I ever acquire time travel.
This one is eternal. For every plotline that could be cut off at the head by following this advice, there's one that could be cut off at the head by breaking it.
3070015
57 and 58 Corollary: Nor may I use powdered sugar donuts as the base for Oblivion Rings.
I love it, these are just incredible!
118. My superior officer’s last name is not Zacherlie.
119. Starswirl’s Last Theorem is a privilege, not a right.
120. I am not to play the Imperial March when Princess Celestia arrives at my location.
121. Not even if it’s Princess Celestia of the Conversion Bureau.
122. I am not to play Careless Whisper when Princess Celestia arrives at my location, either.
123. On that note, Luna is not a gamer, and would not like tickets to the League of Legends invitational.
124. I am to consider my cover blown if I become a League of Legends champion.
125. Unless I’m on assignment to Runeterra.
126. I am not to tell new recruits that 00-Gamma is under a CODE: NIGHTMARE SOCKS quarantine.
127. Rainbow Dash only infrequently dresses in style.
128. The cupcakes in the mess hall are made out of eggs, flour, sugar, milk, butter, and chocolate. I am not to imply that they contain more exotic ingredients.
129. I am not to taste the Rainbow.
130. Especially not the Rainbow Dash.
131. I am not to call upon the Seaponies when I’m in distress.
132. That is not a demonic duck of some kind.
133. Yes, there is an actual bearer of the Element of Tacos. She is a member of an endangered species, and her universe is not to be disturbed.
134. Donut Steele is not the Bearer of the Element of Surprise.
135. Under no circumstances is Donut Steele to be made an agent.
136. Neither is Kefentse.
137. I am not to introduce Only Human to Equestrian TV on every plane I visit.
138. It can’t happen, not even on the Hub.
139. Zoe Trent is not an alternative version of HH Twilight, and I am not to refer to her as “Twilight Barkle.”
140. If I meet with any version of Pinkie Pie with multiple personalities, I’m going to have to be more explicit about that in my report than saying “the local Pinkie is good people.”
140. The closest to “waffling my waifu” that Flash Sentry has ever gotten was when she took Twilight Sparkle to an IHOP.
141. There are no such creatures as Kitchen Dinks.
142. ETSAB agents are not part of a sentai team, and therefore I cannot form the hand.
143. I cannot form the head either.
144. I am not to name a mission Operation Adjective Noun.
145. Having a favorite store on the Citadel will blow my cover.
146. Wubs are not suitable for cleaning dishes.
147. Never speak of the “Cutie Mark Crusader ETSAB Agents, YEAH!” incident.
These are brilliant and I clearly need to read the stories sooner
These are amazing, FOME (and Bliss Authority). Youdabest.
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No baking powder or baking soda? Can you blame her for suspecting something's amiss? </pedant>
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Thanks for explaining that Horse Voice story that I haven't actually read yet.
In the event anyone sees this, I found a few more of these that I wrote down on a scrap of paper, and I'm putting them here for posterity in the event that I make another one of these at some point.
148. Library Hounds are not great with kids.
149. I am not spoken of in any prophecies, ancient or otherwise.
150. I am not the Messiah; I am a very naughty filly.
151. Not the fun kind of naughty.
152. That Which Pony Was Not Meant To Know is not my department.
153. Continuing to say it is will be interpreted as a request to transfer to the Office of Eldritch Beings.
154. I will not attempt to matchmake between happily married Bureau consultants and department heads just because they're cute together in other timelines.
155. Or for any other reason.
156. I will not attempt to matchmake.
A question about the Royal Assassinorum, from someone who's only read Story Shuffle...
To what extent does that name come up in your stories? If some other enterprising author were to have the idea of Octavia being an assassin working for the crown, would referring to her branch of the government as the Royal Assassinorum constitute an infringement on your own ideas?
...he said while trying to arouse as little suspicion as possible.
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Given that a. I love it when I inspire people, and b. the Royal Assassinorum is a shameless pastiche of elements of Warhammer 40k and Exalted, you are more than welcome to make use of the idea. Just remember to mention where you got it.
3866542 Excellent.
Mind adding a link to the new one?
3898485
Good idea! Link made.
If they say no to black mana, what will they do if they have a deck with swamps in it?
Oeuvre
Might edit this if I find other spelling mistakes.
Late, but
I disagree, you should do it and do it repeatedly
Getting some serious Hard Reset flashbacks here...
Some versions of the Smooze get stronger with explosions.
Wonder if we should ask him about Sweetie…
Right. She’s Thaumiel. You have any idea the kinds of stuff she keeps you from questioning?
But peeved and sassafras are.
And the multiverse laughed in amusement at the naiveté of the ants.
…Guess what my next comedic takedown is gonna be?
Sweetie Bot: it isn’t?
Allure: I don’t see why not.
I hear Larsonism is spreading from Equis Scootertrix. There is great fear in the local cluster. Certain Lyras are suspect of intentionally spreading it.
…Don’t go poking your face in middle-of-nowhere black holes.
[REDACTED]
Liar.
Ah, this was fun. As a reward, have this tiny little sentence edit:
-Songs of the Spheres, 060: A Normal Day for Normal People
-GM, master of fun.
Pinkie is a Pinkie class threat. The best containment method is to just let her throw her parties so she doesn't go pinkamena on your butts.
I envision a cakefaced Lyra being chased through the halls by an angry celestia while Yakety Sax plays.