Fallen Angels Revisions List -- Part 3 (final) · 11:10pm Feb 10th, 2015
Welcome to part 3 (likely the last) of my ongoing revisions list for Fallen Angels.
Part 1 of the revisions can be found here.
Part 2 of the revisions can be found here.
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Chapter 18 (formerly 13)
Technical and/or minor changes only.
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Chapter 19 (formerly 14)
[Detailing Rarity's moral compromise]
What faint hope Rarity held to keep her royal friend and restore her sister's honor rekindled with newfound reason to believe. Rather than sink into despair, the wanting mare chose to accept it, in spite of everything. Her expression melted, her lip quivered, and she swallowed. “Then ... it's really true?” not some sick manipulation on anypony's part. Momentarily forgetting every other implausibility, she looked down in wonder at Sweetie next to her. “My sister ... is in love.”
Rarity needed little convincing for the sake of their friendship and her desire to believe that Sweetie's innocence remained unspoiled.
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Chapter 20 (formerly 15)
[Rarity's doubt]
At least, Rarity thought, with Twilight's reassurance she had some reason to believe not all was lost—her sister's purity and her friends' honor. She'd been desperate to take whatever she could get back in the loft, but worried frequently whether, perhaps, Twilight and she, by extension, were deluding themselves about the nature of the shield. Could a spell ever so quickly just filter out true love? Maybe Twilight overestimated her own understanding. It happened to the best of them. Magical proof aside, was true love really reason enough to allow them to be close before Sweetie matured when, instead, they could wait and be safe within the law?
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Chapter 21 (formerly 16)
[Removed "immortal" as a descriptor for Celestia to avoid ambiguity]
Since we've had the benefit of a just ruler from that time, the law hasn't changed much more, or, rather, there hasn't been much public desire for change since Princess Celestia takes great care to protect the foals of Equestria
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Chapter 22 (formerly 17)
[Fluttershy's fear detailed]
The librarian's lecture had kept Fluttershy distracted as well, though from a different problem altogether. Fluttershy's patience had been learned the hard way, burned into her after her slip up at the cottage. In light of the mess she'd made of her relationship with her friends, she asked herself repeatedly whether that afternoon of kisses and cuddles, of nascent romantic love, had been worth their resultant mistake on the couch. Arousal might still sway Fluttershy—she knew too well from their picnic—so the only way to be safe was to avoid anything that could lead her to want sex so badly. Affection itself was an enemy she dreaded to challenge. Rather than want to be close to Sweetie, the young pegasus feared repeated failure.
The pain of conflicting hope and despair for a relationship with Sweetie brought Fluttershy to depths of depression she'd barely anticipated. Her animals, her friends, her family, every precious thing in the world, lost meaning at her separation from the most important pony in her life. Though her faith remained, knowing what harm she'd caused to those dear to her, Fluttershy refused to be consoled. Rejecting any belief or conviction that might have given her hope for fear of being unworthy, she'd suffered until, across the gulf of her personal despair, comfort had come unbidden in the unexpected form of Pinkie Pie.
Had Angel not removed the sign and Pinkie restored her and her home to working order, it was likely Fluttershy would have lacked even the strength to present herself at Twilight's lesson that day. Despite what small but significant miracle Pinkie's visit had proven, and though she never stopped longing for her foal, their reunion was also something the pegasus had dreaded. Worse than her fear that Rarity might still not forgive her, the young mare quaked to consider that her next reunion with Sweetie Belle might only be temporary. To be torn apart a second time would mean pain again, possibly worse than before.
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Chapter 23-24 (formerly 18)
Changed "Harmony" to "God" in a couple of instances.
[Detailing Fluttershy's religious accountability and the couple's moral resolve]
“Unless there's something I missed in her sermons, she's never made any public revelation about foal marriages. Th-the only reason I've had to ... to stop me from telling Sweetie Belle my feelings sooner,” she looked down at her filly companion, “I mean the only faith-based reason,” she looked again at Rarity, “is the commandment to—” Fluttershy stopped for a moment, her expression changed from calm to nervous, her ears flattened, and her tone shifted from one of patient explanation to guilty reticence. “—to uphold pony-made laws,” she swallowed, “as long as those laws don't require us to violate our fundamental beliefs ... and,” Fluttershy muttered briefly in low, incoherent tones. Breathing deeply, she restarted. “And, if you look at things that way, there is a clear commandment not to marry ... or be with foals ... j—just not ... explicitly written.” Fluttershy looked briefly at Sweetie whose smile had fallen into a small frown, then looked resignedly at the floor. “My confession of love to Sweetie—” Fluttershy tensed against her guilt “—may not have been against the law, but it wound up leading me to break it.”
Fluttershy's mouth opened then closed as though there were more she would say. And to sully Sweetie's virtue as mine has been, to desecrate the act of love outside of matrimony. She hadn't the heart to risk hurting Sweetie by saying it. It was her own weakness, after all, more than the confession of love itself, that had ruined things.
“But,” Twilight picked up when she saw Fluttershy had reached her conclusion, “you've confessed, taken extreme care not to repeat the mistake,” Twilight looked approvingly at her, “and, for the near future, like you said, Princess Celestia could be, well ... inspired, not only to approve your and Sweetie's union religiously, as a prophetess, but, as a ruler, she and Luna have power to make the union legal.”
Fluttershy looked up, smiling again faintly, and she nodded. “That's right.” Fluttershy's smile faded as quickly as it appeared. At Twilight's encouragement, the pegasus changed her mind. She mustn't hold back, even if it did cause Sweetie some pain, “Of course, m-my mistake,” Fluttershy looked down at her foal, “acting so irresponsibly—before we had that approval and were married ...” as Sweetie Belle's brow furrowed and she looked down, blaming herself, Fluttershy wrapped her soothingly in one wing, “it still wasn't in the spirit of Harmony, and I'll do what I can to make it up to everypony.” Fluttershy smiled hopefully.
Hearing her fillyfriend's resolve, Sweetie looked up again, and, seeing the young mare brighten, her admiration of the pegasus won over her shame, and Sweetie smiled in kind. The way the penitent pegasus seemed happy, even though she admitted to messing up, inspired and stirred her to follow suit. “I'll ... make it up too.” Sweetie looked determinedly at nopony in particular, committing to herself more than to anypony among her audience. “If we have to ... we can wait for each other—” Sweetie fought against her fear “—f-for as long as it takes.”
Sweetie's youthful exuberance did little to help as an invisible weight settled in her stomach and on her shoulders. It was a feeling she'd dreaded since the day she'd so quickly raised her hopes and rushed so foalishly into reciprocating the beautiful mare's unanticipated feelings, yet, as she joined Fluttershy, knowing they'd be in it together, she felt that, if it were the only legal way and Fluttershy believed it was correct, then it must be right. Sweetie felt courage bear her up against the burden, and her commitment anneal. The foal beamed suddenly, calm and confident in the face of what might lay ahead.
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This completes revisions up to the last completed chapter. I don't anticipate any further revisions until the story is fully complete.
