Fallen Angels Revisions List -- Part 2 · 1:16pm Jan 28th, 2015
Welcome to part 2 of my ongoing revisions list for Fallen Angels.
Part 1 of the revisions can be found here.
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Chapter 8 (NEW)
These are notes to my editor, Setokaiva, but I'd be happy to hear all of my readers' thoughts regarding these questions.
SPOILERS AHOY!
Objectives for the new Chapter 8
1. Exposition on Fluttershy's religious beliefs
- How deep or shallow does her faith appear to be to the reader? Does Fluttershy come across as convinced, unconvinced, conflicted, or is it unclear how she feels?
- Do the message of the sermon/speech (which Fluttershy supposedly accepts) and Fluttershy's other thoughts in the chapter break her character at all? If so, how?
2. Ensure setup, continuity, & flow
If you check part 1 of my revision notes, you'll notice I've tweaked the language and added a few details in the Prologue and Chapter 3 about Flutters's faith. (If you have the time and will to do it, I'd appreciate any suggestions about those revision in addition to your help editing the new Chapter 8.) I hope these revisions help a little to set up this chapter, but I'd like to know whether you think it's sufficient. Will the average reader feel like the new Chapter 8 is coming out of nowhere? I've broken this question down as best I can into the following:
- Is the reader caught by surprise to learn/remember that Fluttershy is religious? (i.e. Do I need to set it up better in previous chapters?)
- Does the spiritual/scriptural tone of certain parts overwhelm the reader? Does it fit with the tone throughout the rest of the story alright?
- Does the chapter fit within the flow and continuity of the story, or is it obvious it's been inserted or feel like it doesn't belong?
3. Introduce Celestia as a spiritual leader
The reader I mentioned before expressed to me that Celestia's role as the leader of a monotheistic religion came too abruptly in chapter 18 (soon to be renumbered). It seemed like part of the issue was his/her bias favoring personal headcanon, but he did have a point. Many reader's may not have been expecting it, and could have found it as jarring as he did. I've been hesitant throughout the fic to bring much attention to Fluttershy's Christianity for various reasons, not to mention Celestia's role and all it entails. So...
- Is the timing right, too soon, or still too late to introduce the backstory of Celestia's spiritual role in the story? Is it still abrupt? (Maybe I could make mention of it in the Prologue.)
- Does the fact that Celestia appears ageless in the show yet she's reduced to something less than God raise enough concern to distract the average reader from the story? (i.e. Does it interrupt the reader's immersion?) If so, should I attempt to give more exposition about it in this chapter or insert it in another later chapter?
- What other issues with this fanon (Celestia as a prophetess) go unaddressed? What other fanon is essential to address at this point or earlier regarding Celestia and Christianity in Equestria? (I have a feeling there are many potential issues here, but I find it difficult to address everything without the story becoming sidetracked. Maybe it's unavoidable, though.)
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Chapter 9 (formerly 7)
[Resolving the mystery of what Twilight noticed after FlutterBelle's makeout session]
Twilight sighed deeply. What she'd noticed about Sweetie could have been an honest mistake. She hoped it was. In any case, trusting the two had seemed like the right thing to do beforehoof, and Sweetie wasn't likely, she thought, to let Fluttershy get so close to her horn again, knowing that Twilight would recognize the tell-tale signs of its stimulation. Still, bothered by her uncertainty, Twilight set to doing what she preferred most when troubled with a lack of answers. Through twilight and into the night, the purple unicorn's lamps sparked to life, and the young princess set to studying.
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Chapter 10-15 (formerly 8-11)
Changes to style and minor details only.
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Chapter 16-17 (formerly 12)
[Highlighting the compliment between F & S]
In Twilight's embrace, so much more easily than with Fluttershy, without doubt or skepticism to dilute her conviction, Sweetie was comforted quickly, knowing she was loved and certain she wasn't alone. The young filly's breathing calmed, she released Twilight, and the lavender alicorn sighed.
[Added detail]
Twilight stayed for the couple’s few intimate minutes before they all bid each other farewell. The librarian was neither as timid nor as trusting as she had been prior to the couple's date. Fluttershy and Sweetie, as well, each exercised far more caution than before, even with their purple companion present. The kisses they shared were still a soothing bliss after the sore conversations and difficult resolutions, but the spark between them was subdued. The love each understood behind their mutual self restraint made up for the loss of the heated arousal in which they usually indulged. Because they loved each other, because they respected one another’s ardor, each held back patiently and felt satisfied in the end without the usual thrill. A purer, more disciplined love seemed to grow between them.
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chapter 8: i havent read the new chapter yet i gotta do it and i cant wait, but so i cant say for sure but iw ould say that celestia is wise and wonderful, and because she is, i dont think she would ever want or LET ponies to consider her a god, its just not her style, everything we see about her indicates grace and humility at least equal to any acceptance of high roles. she values ponies finding emotional truths and the right way of living on their own, and will happily give them guidance but wont demand they find it one way or another, but always encourage them in their personal journeys and so on...thats the incredible, amazing, wonderful work of a prophetess, even a messiah, but not of an outright goddess. so i would say keeping her from god status in her religion, even if ultimately she really is a goddess as we all know, is exactly what she would want and find apropriate
2753353 Thanks! Despite my confidence in its importance, the new chapter 8 has me pretty nervous, wondering how it might be received. I understand if many dislike it, but hope for the best.
Think I will be reading this whole fic from the beginning again
2753484 I'm actually sorry if that's an inconvenience. I know it's a long read. I suppose it's nothing compared to the effort of editing, though.
2753892 Not an inconvenience. There are many fics that I will read more than once for the enjoyment of. This is one of them, and I shall enjoy my re-reading of this fic.
2753895 You're very kind and a truly devoted reader. You have my gratitude!