Vladimir Sparkle · 4:43am Mar 11th, 2014

This is kinda random (and arguably insulting to my followers, since I haven't published a story in over a year--one is coming soon, I promise!), but I have an anecdote for you guys. It's about Sweetie Belle, Twilight Sparkle, and Vladimir Putin.

If you didn't know--and I doubt you did, because I don't really talk about myself on here--I'm captain of the Speech team at my school, and at this point in the year, that basically means that I can do whatever I want without any repercussions. So, this weekend, we had a tournament at which I "filled." What that essentially means is that I competed just to screw with the judges and make the other serious competitors look better. I competed in the category of Extemp, where speakers are given a topic relating to politics, and must craft a three-to-seven-minute speech about that topic in a half-an-hour.

So, round one. My question: "What are the prospects for public sector pension reform." Here was my intro:

"In this great, wonderful universe that we've been given, we are granted many privileges. Beauty. Love. Dragons. Yet, as we all know, for all good, there has to be an equal amount of despair. For example: my question today, asking about the prospects for public sector pension reform. Or, here's a better example: there are actually people who think that Twilight Sparkle is the best My Little Pony! Do you understand how awful that is?! That is why, when faced with the question 'Who is best pony?' the answer is clearly Sweetie Belle, for three clear reasons. One, her voice actress, Claire Corlett, is superior to all others. Two, when you calculate all the best pony percentages of the Mane 6, her sister is clearly the best. And third... she's not Twilight Sparkle."

I proceeded to improv for about five minutes on this topic. One of the judges kept looking back-and-forth between me and his partner, who was giving me a death stare. At one point, I used the line: "In his book, 'I Am Rohan, I Am God,' New York Times columnist Rohan Mishra comments on the mediocrity of Twilight Sparkle."

My next question: "Has Vladimir Putin overreached his boundaries in Crimea?" I actually have almost my entire speech written down for this one.

"...We don't need to worry about Putin, he can handle himself. What we really need to worry about is the rule of newly-crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle, in the magical land of Equestria. So, when faced with the question, 'Can Twilight Sparkle handle the job of Princess,' we can agree that the answer is no, for three clear reasons. One, her policies are counterproductive to Equestria's growth, two, she has no leadership experience, and three, she is emotionally unstable.

First: Twilight Sparkle's policies are counterproductive to Equestria's growth. As we all know, Equestria is going through a recession right now, having been hit hard by the many bank failures of 2008/9. Ponies all over the land, from Manehattan to Los Pegasus have criticized Princess Twilight for not paying attention to the country's recovering economy, instead declaring new laws based around raising the already high literacy rate of 98% to 100%. According to an article from the Economist by Rohan Mishra, Sparkle has no plans to speak about the economy at any point in the near future; in fact, she has outright stated that she does not care about it. And that is not to mention her lack of concern for the growing aggression coming from the Griffon Empire in the east. Twilight Sparkle is hurting the country.

Two: she has no leadership experience. Sparkle has never taken a class on government, or economics. In fact, according to New York Times columnist Rohan Mishra, the only reason that she was picked for the job was due to her connection to the magical aether; something gifted to her by fate and genetics, not skill. Even within the ranks of the Elements of Harmony, Sparkle is not the best; according to a poll conducted by Equestria Daily writer Rohan Mishra, Twilight is near the bottom of the list when it comes to best of the Mane 6. Twilight Sparkle does not know how to run a country, and even her greatest advisors cannot fix that.

And finally, she is emotionally unstable. Sparkle has been prone to break-downs and panic attacks whenever she is stressed; one only needs to look at the picking of the first Crystal Empire games to see this, an event which Wall Street Journal writer Rohan Mishra called 'a catastrophe of epic proportions.' This poses a serious problem and threat for the Equestrian ponies. How are they supposed to trust a unicorn who has the potential to snap and kill them all with just a flick of her horn? Twilight Sparkle is emotionally unstable, and cannot be trusted with the throne."

In this round, one of the judges knew who I was before hand, and as soon as I mentioned 'the magical land of Equestria,' he burst out into laughter and didn't stop for the rest of the speech. The other just smiled. I managed to give almost the entire thing deadpan, only breaking once, after the fourth time I cited the imaginary writer Rohan Mishra.

I placed fourth out of the four competitors there that day. I won a ceramic piggybank in the shape of a ladybug.

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