Part 1: "Global Warming" in Equestria is just what it's called when Celestia is either tipsy or sick.
Puffy-eyed, with a swollen, red nose and a matching horn tip, Princess Luna trudged down one of Canterlot Castle’s many hallways with the speed of a wounded tortoise that somehow carried within it the presence of an angry panther. Perhaps picking up on the latter, the droopy-eyed guardsponies and sluggish staff of the castle wordlessly scrambled out of the fervor of the princess to give her a wide berth.
Luna seemingly noticed none of this as she slowly and deliberately prowled down the hallway, her expression only changing to a deeper frown as she locked eyes on a familiar white door with an even more familiar sun emblem on the front.
A muffled and, admittedly somewhat adorable “Aaaachew!” sounded from behind it. Luna may have found the sound somewhat endearing under normal circumstances, but since she was squinting her swollen eyes due to the unfortunate brightness outdoors, this new external change - along with the ongoing struggle her body was currently going through - meant she was in no mood to find any levity in the situation.
These things may have also resulted in her less-than-cordial entrance of her pained horn blazing midnight blue and throwing open the door as she yelled. “Sister! This MUST stoaaaaaaWWWWWWWCHEEEEEEEEW!”
Luna caught a quick glance of her startled, bed-ridden sister, who was in a similar state, but somehow in full regalia despite the fact that she was in bed, as per her bizarre custom. However, this scene of her sister was quickly changed as a cone of sparkling dark-blue and silver glitter fired from the Princess of the Night’s horn and landed all over Celestia.
Celestia’s surprise turned to fear in an instant and she immediately began screaming. “Help! HELP! My bed has come alive and it’s trying to DEVOUR me in revenge for years of wearing my pointy golden crown and hoofwear to BED! HEEEEEEE—”
Her grumpy countenance changing to near panic, Luna looked left, then right, and bolted for her sister’s personal bathroom. The brief sound of water shooting out of a sink was heard. Luna returned a moment later with a large glass of water held aloft in the midnight blue glow of her magic.
“—EEEEEEEEE—”
‘Splash!’
Celestia blinked the cold water out of her eyes and shot a glare at her sister. “…elp.”
Luna met the glare for glare and floated the cup back into the bathroom. “You’re welcome!”
“For what?!” Celestia sneered. “For giving me visions of being devoured by my own bed? Or soaking both me AND it?” Before Luna could answer, Celestia took a calming breath. “Oh, who am I kidding, the whole thing is covered with sweat as it is!” she exclaimed as she slid out of her dark brown covers which hit the lilac floor of the bedroom with a moist ‘slump!’
Luna couldn’t help but cringe. “How unpleasant.”
Celestia’s glare returned. “Perhaps if you could have knocked rather than rudely barge in and spray me with nightmare glitter, I could have spared you such a display!”
“Apologies, but I came to inform you it’s unseasonably cold in Las Pegasus and very unseasonably warm in Manehatten!”
Celestia grunted in annoyance as she trudged into her bathroom. “I’ll deal with it in a moment!” Celestia said. “I’m sure my little ponies can handle a few hours of unseasonable weather.”
“By that, I meant that there is a sub-zero blizzard in Las Pegasus and Manehatten is on FIRE!”
“… Oh,” Celestia replied as she poked out her head, which she was busy drying with a white towel suspended in her sunshine-colored magic. Again, her eyes narrowed. “Open with that next time, Luna.”
“Ponies are burning decks of cards for warmth and a major metropolitan city is ablaze, and you want to cavil over how I conveyed the message?”
Celestia threw foreleg into the air. “I can’t help that I have allergies, sister!” she announced, her tone growing more irritated.
“Yes, but lives may be at stake. Tia!” Luna exclaimed. “You need to get a hold of yourself and take some responsibility here!”
Celestia’s swollen features tightened up so much Luna thought her sister’s face might begin to tear at the seams. “Maybe I would have SLEPT better if some pony could stop filling my sleep with terrifying nightmares!"
“I was trying to help you while you suffered!” Luna insisted. “It’s not my fault my allergies are still effective when I’m in the dream realm!”
“OH!” Celestia cried indignantly. “So when YOU can’t control your powers, it’s ‘not your fault’, but when I can’t control them I’ve got to hop-to and take responsibility!”
Luna shot out another glare then took a deep breath. “Perhaps I was being unfair. I, too, am not quite myself and I—”
“Achew!”
Luna’s whole body shook as bright, shining yellow glitter was shot over her body.
“—now have a fever thanks to you, thou clumsy malmsey-nosed horn-beast,” Luna concluded. “That is just swell…”
Celestia made a phlegmy inhale as she rubbed her nose. “Sorry, Lulu. Let’s try to focus on the problem at hoof.” She made her way to a window draped with dark purple blinds and threw them open with her forelegs, squinting as she found herself bombarded with sunlight. “I should be able to at least adjust the position of the sun and…” Celestia trailed off, her ears turning one direction, then the other as she heard hooves cantering their way closer and closer to her door.
Also taking note of the sound, Luna turned as both sisters observed Princess Cadance appearing in Celestia’s doorway, out of breath and looking every bit as ill as the Equestrian Diarchs.
“Huff… I need help! Puff… It’s an emergency!” Cadence managed to sputter out between labored breaths.
Luna couldn’t help but scoff at Cadence’s declaration. “There are cities in Equestria facing natural disasters the likes of which are rarely seen, Princess Cadance. While I am certain you think your powers running amok are cause for concern, I am afraid there simply are more important priorities!”
Celestia frowned at her adopted niece. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but I think Princess Luna has a po—”
Cadance raised a forehoof to silence Celestia as she began to speak. “I sneezed on the way here and Raven and Kibitz are making out like a couple experiencing heat for the first time!” she declared.
Luna winced as Celestia mulled this over. “You know, I always thought those two had a healthy respect that might turn romantic if the wind blew the right way… Maybe this is for the best.”
Cadance continued, “Well that’s not nearly as bad as what happened in the Crystal Empire before I left…” Cadance paused to take a deep breath “… Also the train ride over! Aaaaand all of Canterlot between the train station and the castle. So, if you two have no desire to find out what the inside of the other’s mouth tastes like, we should put our heads together on this one!”
“Princess Cadance,” Luna began, “I do believe I owe you an apology.”
Celestia nodded in agreement before turning to look outside where the light dimmed somewhat. “This does seem to be an issue of some immediate concern, yes.”
Luna shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead with a foreleg. “Well… A cold glass of water worked on Princess Celestia when I accidentally gave her a dose of my own magic gone awry…”
Celestia glanced up at the sun and nodded satisfactorily. She turned and trotted away. “We can rally the local weather ponies to gather some rain clouds and alert the local fire brigade.”
Luna thought for a moment. “That rather does sound like an effective way to give the ponies smooching in Cadance’s wake a cold shower.”
Cadance took in a few more breaths. “Also, Flurry Heart also has allergies and sneezed the Crystal Empire into another dimension.”
There was a beat of silence as Celestia and Luna took in the full gravity of what Cadance has just told them.
“Next time perhaps OPEN with a problem of such magnitude!” Luna snapped.
Celestia gave her sister a sideways glance, but opted to change the subject. “Is little Flurry Heart okay?”
“Well, aside from having allergies, she’s fine. Shining and Chrysalis are keeping watch in the massive open field that once was the Empire.”
Luna’s jaw dropped. “You left your progeny in the care of the former Changeling Queen?!”
Cadance gave Luna an indignant look. “Do you know of somepony else better equipped at handling adversity?!”
Luna opened her mouth to reply then thought for a moment. “Alright, perhaps I misspoke once more. Also, with Shining there, I suppose Flurry Heart’s influence will at least be… balanced in an oddly literal sense…”
Far, far away in a very empty field, Queen Chrysalis loomed over the sniffling baby Flurry Heart; her razor-sharp teeth on full display as she grinned down at the alicorn baby. “… And then the changeling said, ‘Little ponies, little ponies, I’m so lonely! Let me in or I’ll turn your flanks into baloney!”
Standing directly behind his daughter, Shining Armor glared at the Queen. “That’s not how the story goes! The changeling’s supposed to threaten to turn into a timber wolf and blow the house down!”
Chrysalis gave Shining a quizzical look. “Shining, do you even know what it is Timber Wolves do?!”
Shining frowned, “I… erm…”
“The don’t ‘blow’ houses down, that’s for sure!” Chrysalis puffed out her lip and looked down at Flurry Heart. “Why, a timber wolf would chew a tiny baby pony to pieces!”
Flurry Heart let out a distressed shriek and hid her face behind her feathers.
Shining sighed. “Alright, tell it your way.”
Chrysalis smiled darkly. “Gladly!” Her features softened as she looked down at the infant. “Huddled in their straw hut, the ponies responded with, ‘A creature who is lonely?! Oh dear us! Please come in and partake of friendship ceremonies!’ So, the changeling was allowed in where it immediately cocooned one of the foolish ponies and dragged it back to its hive for sustenance as the other two fled in total abject horror!”
“Chrysalis!” Shining snapped.
“You said I could tell it my way!” Chrysalis snapped back.
Despite her weakened state, Flurry let out a giggle.
Chrysalis motioned triumphantly to the baby. “See? Your loin-spawn approves!”
Flurry’s face suddenly contorted and her red nose wrinkled. “Awww… aww—”
Chrysalis’s eyes widened like she was suddenly staring down a speeding freight train barreling towards her in a rather slim tunnel.
In an instant, there was a plum-colored flash of light, Shining disappeared in a ‘POMFF’, another flash of light flared as he appeared next to Chrysalis and threw a foreleg around her back, and a second ‘POMFF’.
“—CHEEEEEW!”
‘ZOOORT!’
Flurry Heart opened her eyes and let out a distressed cry as she opened them to see a hole in the ground where her beloved ebony baby sitter stood moments before. Her distress was short lived as she was quickly scooped up into a black, hole filled foreleg.
Relieved, Flurry Heart let out a burble of delight, and nuzzled against Chrysalis’s carapace.
Shining let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Close one…”
“Yes. Thank you, Shining.”
Shining looked up at Chrysalis in disbelief. “Of… of course! You’re welcome!” he said, unable to hide the joy from his face.
Chrysalis held the giggling Flurry Heart out at forelegs length. “I always thought this child would be the end of me, but not in such a haphazard manner.”
“Uhhh-huuuuuh…?” Shining replied, his mirth quickly replaced with confusion.
Chrysalis continued, “No. When she DOES end me, it’ll be to topple me from my dark throne and take her rightful place upon it!” She brought Flurry to her chest and embraced the baby lovingly, a single translucent jade-green tear falling from her eye. “It will be magnificent…” she whispered with grim affection.
Shining Armor just sighed. “Why don’t you just continue the story? I want to hear how the third pony wins in the end.”
“HAH!” Chrysalis exclaimed as she gently put Flurry Heart back on the ground. “What a delightful fantasy you must live in, Shining.”
Shining huffed out an exasperated sigh as his daughter merely clapped her hooves together in anticipation.
“Well, as long as everypony is safe…” Celestia mused.
“Again, my Empire is probably in some limbo dimension,” Cadance muttered.
Celestia thought for a moment. “Well, as long as my darling grand-niece is safe…”
Luna rolled her eyes. “One must only wonder how Ponyville is holding up.”
There was a brief silence as all three Princesses stared at each other and rushed to a window that immediately had drapes drawn away and was thrown open.
Celestia’s lower jaw nearly unhinged. “No…”
“… That cannot be true!” Luna added.
“That’s impossible!” Cadance chimed in.
“Absolutely nothing is wrong!” all three cried in unison.
Celestia rushed off to a desk and began producing stationery, an inkwell, and a quill.
“It’s simply unbelievable!” Luna exclaimed, staring down at the perfectly pristine city. “All it takes for disaster to strike the village is a pet that’s acting out of sorts or even a special occasion such as Nightmare Night or Saturday!”
“I’m sending Twilight correspondence now,” Celestia said as she strained and squeezed out a brilliant aura that basically plopped to her desk and whisked the scroll away in a shining, magical breeze that exited out the window. “Maybe my previous student nipped this one in the bud in record time.” Celestia chuckled proudly to herself. “I suppose my tutelage was more effective than even I dare dreamed.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, sister. Your stratagem of throwing children into the middle of the ocean over several centuries and hoping they figure out how to swim instead of drowning and returning as resentful young-adults certainly paid off this one time.”
Celestia’s already crinkled face creased further as she turned to glare at Luna. In lieu of a response, however, she elected to turn, look upwards and utter a soft “mehmehMehmehMehmehmeeeh…” to nopony in particular. As Celestia tossed her dirty look toward the far wall, her throbbing horn began to glow once more, she had the good sense to turn back to her desk where a glob of sunshine-colored magic dripped to the wooden surface and exploded into a scroll.
“What’s it say, Auntie?!” Cadance asked as she and Luna began to crowd around the desk.
“It’s from Spike…” Celestia began in an unsure tone. Her face lit up. “Zecora has a cure!”
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Luna asked.
“Wait, there’s more!” Celestia shushed. “Something about a side effect? And uh… The rest looks a bit smudged as if something was spilled on it…”
Cadance glanced at the scroll. “That’s ‘spit up’. Something clearly ‘spit up’ on the rest of the message.”
Celestia turned towards Cadance. “How can you tell?”
Cadance sighed. “Lots and lots of experie-aah….AAAAAAh…”
Luna’s eyes flew open. “Sister! We must depart for Zecora’s at once!”
Celestia turned and give Luna a concerned look. “But we don’t know what the side effect is!”
“AAAAAAHHHHHHH—”
“There’s no time!” Luna shouted. “Quickly! To Pony—”
“—chew!”
‘Knock! Knock! Knock!’
Glancing up from her cauldron and the mushy orange substance within at the rapping, Zecora wordlessly trotted to the door. Once again she heard the tapping, but thought it not worth rancor. The zebra sussed she'd see Spike, or perhaps one of the princesses before the 'more. Opening the door to her humble hut, she saw not one, but three princesses. Clearly in a rut.
At least this day would not be a bore.
Zecora gave a small bow. “Greetings your eminences, I’ve anticipated your arrival at my residence—” Zecora frowned slightly “—ses…” she added awkwardly. She made a mental note that sometimes she’d need to account for plural rhymes.
The Princesses seemingly took little notice of Zecora’s odd turn of phrase. “So you do have a cure!” Celestia said excitedly as she and the other two princesses entered the hut, both Celestia and Luna having to bow their heads quite low to get their horns inside. “Oh, bless you, my little—uh… someone’s little zebra!”
Zecora let out a good-natured chuckle as she went up to a shelf with a large jar of murky green substance and began distributing differently-sized doses amongst three small bottles. “Oh, please do not fret, I’m happy to repay my hosts of this land in which I’m a guest.”
Cadance frowned slightly. “Fret and guest are half-rhymes at best.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Must you be so persnickety?”
“Sorry,” Cadance said with a small smile as her ears drooped somewhat. “It’s just I tend to pick up on meter and rhyme…” She turned towards Zecora. “Also, you wouldn’t happen to have a potion to return an entire Empire that's been shunted into another dimension by a baby alicorn, would you? Flurry is also a bit sneezy and I’m reeeally hoping I can get her whammy, room, and Crystaller back before she accidentally teleports her father and guardian, shape-changing, murderous, sexy, psychopath of a babysitter to another dimension and is all alone." Cadance’s eyes went distant as if she was trying to see past this mortal plane to whatever one her Empire resided in. “That would be abjectly horrifying.”
“For Flurry Heart?” Luna asked.
“No,” Cadance answered simply.
Zecora ceased distributing her potion long enough to look at Cadance sadly. "I can brew all manner of muck, but in this case, you are out of luck."
The pink mare sighed. “Let’s hope the cure makes magic wear off faster than it takes allergy season to—”
Cadance was cut off by the jingling of bells as a smiling grey pony sporting a long, white beard and wearing a blue, star-themed wizard bell hat as a pony popped his head up from behind one of the open windows in the hut "Did somepony say something about 'another dimension?!" he chirped mirthfully.
“St-Star Swirl!” Luna gasped out as fright overtook her features.
The Princess of the night slowly shuffled behind her larger sister who simply gave the pony a quizzical look, "Have you just been following us around waiting for an opportunity to offer your portal expertise?”
"YES!” Star Swirl happily hollered. "I literally have nothing better to do!” He glanced around the hut, mouth gaping wide as he laid eyes on Zecora. "My word, is that a Zebra in the corner?!"
Zecora’s eyes narrowed as her back hoof tapped an irritated staccato. "You will find I possess a name. Tell me, old codger, are you always this lame?"
"He is,” Luna confirmed. “Though he’s doing substantially less yelling than I’m used to…”
“Well, even if he is rude, perhaps you, Princess Cadance would be wise to seek help from this prude.”
Star Swirl looked over at Cadance and smiled. “Why, I’d be delighted to help the most feminine, and therefore, most prone to hysteria and panicking princess of the land!”
Cadance’s left eye twitched. “Is it wrong to think that maybe Limbo isn’t that bad?”
With a zap like lightning outside and another white flash inside, Star Swirl appeared inside to the jingling of his own bells. “Not at all, ignorant young mare!” he chirped merrily. “Though, it’s not that good, either.”
Cadence sighed. “Walked right under that one…”
Celestia shot Star Swirl a frown. “Perhaps you should have a talk with Twilight later… Be sure to bring up the phrase ‘casual sexism,’” She turned to Zecora. “Also, do any of these many bottles contain a home-brewed mouthwash?” She asked. The Princess of the Day turned to glare at her sister. “Somepony had fish for her most recent meal!”
Luna grunted in annoyance. “It’s called a ‘traditional Neighponese breakfast’ and it’s very well balanced and healthy! At least my mouth doesn’t taste like a cart full of boxed chocolates crashed into a distiller’s workshop!”
Celestia scoffed. “Are you kidding? That sounds amazing! I think you should be thanking me!”
“I suppose there’s some truth to that,” Luna said, “I don’t think my tonsils have ever been so clean.”
Cadance looked back and forth between the bickering sisters and inhaled phlegmily through her nose. “Can we move this along before this hut becomes the scene of an interracial, incest, bi-sexual, multi-generational orgy?”
Zecora’s eyes widened as she trotted over, balancing a somewhat rhombus-shaped wooden tray on her back with the three bottles of cure. “Though it may be a crime, to some zebra, that might sound like a good time.”
All other sets of eyes were suddenly on the witch doctor present who sighed heavily. “Note to self,” Zecora said, “some thoughts are better left on the shelf.”
“You do realize, of course,” Luna began, “that Star Swirl would be included in this hypothetical activity?”
Zecora took a measured glance of the ponies in the room. “Though he is not one I’d like to embrace, it would be ‘totally worth it’ as you ponies say, in this case.”
Luna pursed her lips and glanced around the shelves of the hut. “Though I know it’s highly illegal, you would not happen to possess a memory-erasing potion, would you? Let’s just say there’s a princess pardon now and a ‘get out of legal peril free’ pardon later if—”
Cadence’s eyes began to water. “Uh-oh… Ahhh… AHHHH… AHHHH—”
Panic in their eyes, Celestia and Luna’s horns suddenly flared to life and Cadance found her head and horn inglobed in not one but TWO barriers as she let out a sneeze and her horn fired off pink and red sparkling glitter. Her swollen eyes tightened as the two sisters dropped their protection spells and the substance fell harmlessly to the floor.
Zecora looked down in the substance in interest. “If no one disagrees, I’ll happily collect the alicorn love-dust as a fee.”
“It’s fine!” Cadance said. As she turned, her back thighs notably pressed tightly together. “If anypony needs me, I need to find a tree to hide behind for a few minutes here!” she declared as she shuffled outside of the hut.
“Young mare,” Star Swirl began, “if there’s anything I can do to be of assistance—”
“I rather set my crotch on fire!” Cadance sang in a mirthful tone. “Thank you!”
“Anytime!” Star Swirl replied, equally as cheerful. “What a charming young lass,” he commented without the least hint of scorn.
Celestia turned and looked at the tray balanced on Zecora’s back. “A thought occurs we could have drunk those a good minute ago and saved Cadance some trouble.”
“Well, what are we waiting for?!” Luna asked rhetorically as she trotted over and took the middle-filled bottle in her forehooves.
“Here, here!” Celestia shouted in agreement as she walked over and grabbed the most-filled bottle. “Cheers, Luna!”
“Bottoms up, Sister!” Luna replied.
“Yes, yes, yes!” Came Cadance’s ecstatic cry from outside. “Bottoms WAY up!”
Exchanging awkward glances, Celestia and Luna quickly downed their oddly colored beverages. Much to their relief, their horn and nose shrunk down to normal sizes almost immediately.
“Wait! Waaaaaait! Don’t drink those po—” Spike suddenly appeared in Zecora’s doorway, took one look at the empty bottles in the Princesses’ hooves and finished his sentence in a defeated tone “—tions…”
Celestia and Luna frowned as the gently place their bottles on Zecora’s tray.
“Greetings, Twilight’s Imp!” Star Swirl greeted cordially. “Are you here for the potential surprise orgy I’ve heard so much about?”
Spike’s expression immediately curdled as he turned to maternal figure #2 in his life. “You know I prepared myself for all kinds of ways this day could get worse. That sentence was not one of them.”
Celestia took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, Spike. I know.”
“All too well!” Luna added.
“This is about the side effect, isn’t it?” Celestia asked trepidatiously.
Spike sighed and turned, revealing a backpack occupied by a baby Twilight whose face immediately lit up upon seeing Celestia. Spike did an over the shoulder point at the baby with a thumb claw. “Yep.”
“Oooooh, poop,” Celestia said.
Luna groaned. “I dare say there will be plenty of that in our future.”
Celestia smirked. “True, but we won’t really have to deal with it, now will we?”
Luna’s new moon expression suddenly became full, “You raise a good point sis—”
In dual flashes of light and twin ‘poofs!’ the two adult alicorns disappeared; replaced by two tiny alicorn babies that wafted to the ground. Spike braced himself for the foregone baby-wails of woe that were to come, but much to his surprise he was only met by delighted burbles as the sisters crawled towards one another and began awkwardly pat/swatting at each other’s faces all the while giggling.
Possibly feeling left out, baby Twilight stuck out her tongue as her horn glowed magenta. With a ‘Pomff’ she was suddenly on the ground with the other Princesses to join in their rousing game of ‘Pat, pat, swat, giggle, giggle, swat!’
“Huh…” Spike uttered. “Maybe this isn’t so—”
A trio of blasts shot up from the babes on the floor and through the roof of the hut. The sky turned black for a moment, then turned back to daylight the next, and then an orange with blue wings and a beak fell through the hole in the ceiling where it splattered into a pulpy, citrus mess right before if let out a gurgled death-chirp as a pool of its own juice oozed out from its round, zesty body.
“Nope!” Spike said as he pumped a fist in front of his chest. “We’re all going to die adorably!”
“I have an idea!” Star Swirl proclaimed.
Zecora turned the left side of her lips down into a frown. “If you think a portal to another world will be your parachute, don’t even think about it, you miserable old coot!”
“I have no ideas!” Star Swirl proclaimed. He turned to Spike and smiled happily. “Good luck, Twilight’s winged, demonic familiar! My work here is done!”
Spike shot a glare at Star Swirl. “But you didn’t do anything!”
“Away!” Star Swirl announced as his horn flickered out bolts of white lightning that created a flat disk of pure light that the wizard stepped through and disappeared into.
Squinting, Spike took a quick baby head count. “Well, at least Cadance isn’t—”
“Oh, yes… Yes!” Cadance’s lust filled cries called out. “Give it to me! Call me a slut!”
“Haha, you take the hoof, you dirty slut!” Cadance’s own voice replied.
Spike’s face contorted in confusion as he turned towards Zecora.
Zecora just gave Spike a tight-lipped frown and shook her head. “An explanation you’re hoping there is one, I am afraid that I have none.”
Spike sighed as he glanced at the babies who all let out another series of joyous burbles before firing off another three horn salute into the air that made it night, then day again, before a watermelon with an impressive wingspan plummeted through the large hole above and splattered into red, feathered fruit chunks over the occupants of the hut. Much of the delight of the babies present, who began to feast on the mysterious bounty from the sky.
Spike let his arms dangle at his sides at he boggled at the site in front of him with a rather vexed expression. “You think being friends with Discord would have prepared me for this moment, but I’m beginning to see why he sits a lot of out misadventures out. I mean, 9 out of 10 times he probably feels we’re all doing a fine job without his ‘help’.”
A long, satisfied sigh wafted out from the doorway. Spike and Zecora turned to see a much calmer looking, if frazzled, Cadance. “I needed that…” Cadance murmured.
“Cadance!” Spike exclaimed. “Am I glad to see you!”
“Hey, Spike!” Cadance greeted as she flapped her wings, flew up about the height of a pony then landed next to Zecora gently. The remaining cure was scooped into her forehooves within the blink of an eye. “I’ll be with you in a moment!”
“No, don’t—”
The drink disappeared down Cadance’s throat before a pony could say the phrase ‘Zero gag reflex!’ With a somewhat less satisfied “Ahh…” compared to her tone moments ago, Cadance put the bottle back on the tray still balanced on Zecora’s back. “Okay, what were you saying?” she asked Spike. “Also, where’s Twilight?”
Sighing as he ran a claw down the entire length of his face, Spike motioned to baby Twilight and her new playmates.
“Oh…” Cadance uttered as she looked over the trio as they joyously slung chunks of watermelon at each other in-between licking the juices from their own lips. “I bucked up, didn’t I?”
The left side of Zecora’s lips curled upwards in a half smile, half frown. “Although it’s somewhat my fault things went awry, I think you just hit the bullseye.”
Cadance thought for a moment. “Eh, I think I could get into diaper play.”
“… What?” Spike replied.
Cadance replied with a “Wha” — ‘poof’ — “whaah.” As she too flitted to the ground in her new, smaller form.
Pressing his left claw against his forehead and letting out a sigh, Spike turned to Zecora, a pleading look already locked and loaded on his face. “Puuuuuleeeeeeaaaase cut me some slack! I had to sprint through the Everfree Forest to get here as soon as I saw the Princesses leave the castle! And that was AFTER I wrestled Twilight away from her room that was several inches deep in milk that used to be her furniture!”
Zecora thought for a moment. “I have an idea, though it might be something of a leap, I could brew something to safely put the babies to sleep.”
Spike gave Zecora an indignant look. “Okay, fillify grown adults a few minutes ago, now your idea is to chemically knock out babies!”
‘Zap! Zap! ZOORT! SPLAT! Phesssheeeeeeoooow!’
Spike expression changed from judgmental, to considering, to accepting in the time it took a pumpkin with a raccoon tail and limbs to tumble from above and smash itself on the already juicy floor. “Which is an idea I whole heartily endorse as my greatest fear is to die a fat cantaloupe!” Spike announced as he and Zecora quickly found themselves compulsively hugging as a pink glow engulfed them. “Uh… friend who I love platonically.”
Despite her forelegs being wrapped around Spike like he was the most cuddly thing in all existence, Zecora gave him a solemn nod. “Although it will be hard with this new found desire to hug, I’ll quickly brew up a sleepy-time drug!”
Spike huffed out a sigh as he scooched baby Luna into Twilight’s bed. The tiny alicorn seemed to instinctively cuddle up to her ‘big’ sister who was already busy being cuddled by what had to be a barely conscious baby Twilight. Despite the nearly unconscious state the babies had to be in, baby Cadance seemingly took closed-eyed umbrage with her position at the end next to Twilight and crawled her length across the other three babies before passing out.
Having enough strength to lift Twilight’s blanket over the slumbering infants, Spike then fell backward and extended wings as he stared up at the crystal ceiling and considered the fact that he had never known hard floor to be this comfortable. Before he too could succumb to the siren call of sleep, a not unfamiliar buzz and red glow startled him to full consciousness.
With a groan, Spike rose back to his feet and made his way to Twilight’s nightstand to the item disturbing his passed-out-on-the-floor slumber; a hardbound brown book, sporting a yellow and red cutie mark of a sun seemingly in balance with itself. Unfortunately for him, the words within would show anything by balance.
Thumb-clawing his way to the latest page words materialized at a fevered pace.
‘Twilight! TWILIGHT! I need help! Personally! Somehow my magic; and only MY magic has gone haywire coinciding with some crazy allergy symptoms! I don’t know what kind of messed-up Equestrian horse-hokey is going on, but my empathy magic is on overdrive!’
Frowning slightly, Spike went off to fetch an inkwell and quill, but the words poured forth regardless.
‘Have you ever sneezed in a cafeteria and knew exactly how many people in it wanted to have sex with you?! Lemme tell you, it's flattering and terrifying all at the same time! I can feel all the things, all the things Twilight! Do you have any idea how horny teenagers are all the time?! Thank God Adagio isn’t here! It would be like having an empathy-magic driven sex-fest with TWO of her!’
Spike returned with an inkwell and quill the scanned the words already written as more still poured forth.
‘So, sorry for getting this personal, but I’m a step away from either taking a vow of celibacy or ripping off my clothes in front of as many students AND FACULTY, as possible and telling them all to just work through their sexual desires on my body so long as someone is nice enough to deliver my spent and sticky self back to my apartment. And, if I’m being honest here, that first option is a bit of a long shot.’
Spike dipped his quill in ink and began to write. ‘Hey, Sunset. It’s Spike, Twilight is currently indisposed with all the literal baby she is.’
The page finally fell silent for a few moments before the words ‘I don’t suppose I can convince you to forget the last few paragraphs you just read, can I?’
‘No. And before you respond, know that I had to listen to Star Swirl gleefully ask if I was going to participate in an orgy with himself, Zecora, Princess Luna, Cadance, and your mom.’
There was the briefest of pauses. ‘Right! Scrubbing all of that from my memory! So, Twilight’s a baby now? Huh. That’s different! Say, buddy-o-pal, who’s great at keeping things on the DL, you wouldn’t to know how I can make this non-stop hardcore stream into my brain chill for a bit, would you?’
‘Yeah, but there’s a side effect!’
“It’s fine! Whatever the side effects, it can’t be as bad as sneezing everyone’s weird fetishes into your head every few seconds!”
“It will turn you into a baby. P.S. All the Princesses are currently babies. Also, help, please. All the Princesses are HERE. ”
Spike stared at the page, awaiting a response to sparkle onto the page. When it became clear one wasn’t coming in short order, he raised his own quill back to the book.
“Sunset?”
“You know what? Maybe I can live with this ‘Every 30-seconds there’s a porn hub deluge’ for a little bit. Think I’ll just stay here!”
Spike glared down at the page. “I don’t want to throw the phrase ‘Princess Responsibilities’ around, but in addition to me playing babysitter to FOUR alicorns after pretty much ALL Twilight’s friends abandoned her with me, it’s been 3 o’clock for several hours, Flurry Heart still needs her cure, oh and also the ENTIRE Crystal Empire got teleported to limbo, or something!’
Again, the space underneath what was written remained blank for longer than Spike was comfortable with, however before he could coerce a response from Sunset, a bolt of sparkles appeared on the page followed by an odd splatter, then another… and another!
“Sunset? You okay over there?”
“Poor little Empire Demolisher is sick and all alone?”
‘I feel there are several things wrong with that sentence,’ Spike replied ‘but she at least has Shining Armor taking care of her… Though, the only other one that didn’t get teleported was Chrysalis near as I could piece together from what little Zecora could tell me and all the rhyming, apparently, so maybe it more or less evens out?’
Again, Spike found himself waiting for a response. A wait that, again, went on long enough that he considered queuing Sunset for a response before the familiar cry of a rather familiar alicorn being flung head first through a dimensional mirror sounded out from down the hall followed by the muffled ‘Pomf!’ of said alicorn colliding with a pile of pillows.
“Thank you, Starlight Glimmer!” Sunset called from the pillow.
“Did somepony say my name?” Starlight called from elsewhere in the castle. “Does somepony need my help?”
Sunset’s fiery response blazed to life as Spike quickly made his way down the hallway. “You stay the heck away from any and all going ons today unless specifically called for by Spike or myself, Starlight Glimmer! Just keep doing whatever you’re doing as long as you’re SURE it’s not going to ruin any pony’s, city’s, or country’s entire day!”
“Okay!” Came Starlight’s immediate and cheerful reply. “I’m here if things get super desperate, BFFFAD!”
Sunset’s shouted response softened ever so slightly. “You know it, somewhere in my top five BFFFADs, BFFFAD!”
Spike made his way down a flight of stairs and finally arrived at the portal/study/backup-backup library room that Sunset was in. Despite the fact that the tip of her swollen horn and nose matched the color of her geode and roughly 50% of her hair, he still gave the orange alicorn an annoyed glare. “Could you keep the shouting to a minimum? The babies are currently not unravelling their immediate surroundings like the laws of physics are parental rules they’re too young to understand.”
“Right! Fair!” Sunset said as she gathered herself up and focused despite the fact that her head felt like it had three different invisible vices applying pressure on her. “Let’s go save Cadance’s proof that I can, too, make an adorable bundle of ‘the-universe-is-mineaaaaH-AAAAAH-AHHHHHCHEW!” Sunset sneezed, coating the immediate area - which included Spike - in something that resembled sparkling red cinnamon candy dust.
“Ghah!” Spike rubbed at his eyes furiously. “Wow that, burns! I’ve dealt with all kinds of surprise fluids from babies, but would it be too much trouble to ask you to cover your mouth next time?”
Sunset paused for a moment and gave Spike look of quiet consideration. “Really? You think you can fill THAT many of my holes at once?”
Spike grimaced. “I’m sorry! Er, if it makes you feel better I pretty much fantasize about all my friends every now and again?” He swallowed. “That makes it worse, doesn’t it?”
Sunset simply shrugged and trotted past Spike. “Believe it or not, that was a lot tamer than most individuals from Canterlot High have unwillingly given me.” Sunset turned up a forehoof in a matter of factual manner, “And considering the company you keep plus the fact you apparently hit dragon puberty recently, you’re actually keeping it together really freakin’ well.”
“Uh, thanks?” Spike replied as he nervously scratched the back of his head.
“No problem. Speaking of keeping it together, can you please explain how ground zero to the entire universe apocalypse is so quiet?” Sunset took a concerned look at her surroundings. “Or are we in the eye of the storm and everything a mile out is just a jumbled mess of love, darkness, fruit, and fire?”
“Zecora took pity on me and gave all the girls a potion make them sleep for a bit. It just kicked in a few minutes ago”
Sunset’s eyes shot open. “Zecora roofied the babies?! She honestly thought THAT was an appropriate response and you CONDONED it?!”
Spike put his hands on his hips and gave Sunset an indignant look. “Do you mean the baby that made it night time across Equestria because I wouldn’t give her another cookie, the baby that inflicted a horrible waking nightmare of everyone I know and love disappearing from existence just because she was left alone in a crib for all of a few minutes, or maybe the baby that decided her alarm clock would be much more fun as a massive yellow bird with a giant neck that had a lot to say about numbers and the alphabet that the FOURTH baby had me compulsively hug before said large talking bird was turned into Equestria’s biggest pineapple by baby three as I was STILL hugging it, and it detonated into sticky, juicy chunks that were all gleefully consumed by all four babies that desperately needed baths before nap time at that point?”
Sunset took a moment to look at Spike and worked her mouth up and down as if the words of superiority would just come to her as it began to dawn on her that for all the troubles - the sexy, yet DISTURBING troubles - she had experienced this day, she was not the Obi-wan enjoying the high-ground in this particular exchange. “Okay, in hindsight, I suppose exceptions can be made for super powerful alicorn babies that more-or-less have several aspects of reality as their playthings.”
Spike simply nodded. “Oh, I have no idea how long we have before crazy alicorn metabolism kicks all the sleepy meds out of their system, but a word to the wise? If you HAVE to take a magic bolt, take baby Cadance’s. There’s a lot of snuggling in your future that’ll make it a lot harder to feed babies when you’re compulsively spooning a zebra, but it’s all far more preferable to the being set on fire, feeling a deep, dark emptiness inside your soul, or worrying you’ll be turned into fruit.”
“That’s, uh, certainly advice!” Sunset replied. “Okay! We got this~!” Sunset warbled in an odd sing-song tone. “I know things seem bad, and messed up, Fixer-tap-dancing-Christ practically everyone I know and love wants all kinds of inside my pants, but WE. WILL. MAKE. THIS. HAPPEN!” Sunset declared as her turquoise eyes betrayed the fact that her brain had clearly packed its bags and was desperate to catch a train that was about to leave the station. “And together we're going to run around, Spike! We're going to... going to do all kinds of wonderful things, Spike. Just you and me, Spike. The outside world is our enemy, Spike, we're the only friends we've got, Spike! It's just Sunset and Spike. Sunset and Spike and their adventures, Spike.. SUNSET AND SPIKE FOREVER AND FOREVER A HUNDRED YEARS Sunset and Spike.. some...things.. Erm… Me and you runnin' around and... Sunset and Spike time... all day long forever! All a hundred days Sunset and Spike! forever a hundred times…! OVER and over Spike and Sunset... adventures dot com.. W W W dot at Sunset and Spike dot com w..w..w... Sunset and Spike adventures a hundred years! Every minute Sunset and Spike dot com.... w w w a hundred times... Sunset and Spike dot com..."
Spike threw his claws into the air. “Filly, do I need to slap the overactive teenage hormones out of your system?!”
“Cool! Start with my flank-No, no!” Sunset said hastily as she waved a forehoof in front of her. “I’m quite certain that’ll just put another obstacle in between us and saving the known universe! Now, let’s go get that cure and help that adorable, destructive baby!”
Spike folded his arms across his chest as his wings seemingly twitched in irritation. “You mean the potion that turns full grown adult alicorns into babies? You want to get that and give it to a literal baby.” The young drake rubbed his temples irritably, took three deep breaths and continued, “Sunset, I hate to be that dragon, but I sorta need you to get your head in the game after the day I’ve had. If I just needed somepony to come up with horrible ideas I would have clued Starlight into what was going on and accepted there was a good chance her solution would be to just make everypony in Equestria a baby to balance things out.”
Panic suddenly flashed across Sunset’s face. “Uh, what I meant to say is: let’s go fly to the zebra who can tell us if this potion is safe to use on babies!” Sunset turned towards the nearest window, and promptly obliterated it and the surrounding frame in a fiery blaze. “Quickly, Spike! Mount me and let’s get off together!”
“You and I know you could have just opened or even teleport—”
“For God’s sake, just get on top of me! In a non-sexual way if you REALLY care about the fate of the universe, because it’s getting EXCEEDINGLY hard from over here for the last adult Princess in Equestria!” Sunset’s lips twisted for a moment. “Man, that line would have been funnier if I had a penis… like about a good quarter of the fantasies I’ve encountered today.”
“Listen, both those things sound great, but there’s a bed with four sleeping babies and—”
With an anguished cry from Sunset and the sounds of several crystal walls giving way, the large, makeshift cradle of Twilight’s bed came down, babies in all, through the ceiling of the already somewhat broken portal room and hovered a good meter off the ground in a red orb.
“Okay, that works!” Spike cried as he clambered onto Sunset’s back, taking care not to straddle her wings.
“Awww…” Sunset uttered in disappointment. “I mean-AWAY!” she cried heroically as she took flight into the sky above Twilight’s castle, keeping the bed a few pony lengths behind her as she soared majestically through the sky. She immediately broke into song. “Turn around, look at what you seeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeee, yeah-eeeeh~”
“Speaking of turning around,” Spike said, “We’re heading the WRONG direction.”
“Oh, Mom dangit!” Sunset cried. As she made a 180-degree turn in the air. “Okay! In her face, the mirror of your dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeaaams, whooo-oh!~”
“Still the wrong way, Sunset.”
“Spike!” Sunset snapped. “You’re apparently the only teenager in CREATION who can prioritize the fate of the universe over getting his dick wet! So, if you could be a lot less vague, that’d be a great buckin’ help!”
“Dicks,” Spike corrected quickly.
“… What?”
Spike held up two claws. “I have a hemipenis, meaning I have two of them. I mean, as long as you want me to be specific…”
“GrrrrrraaaaaaaHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHCHEW!” Sunset roared-sneezed as she flew over Ponyville. “Grrrrreeeeeaat…” she muttered. “Ever want to know what it’s like to fantasies about doing your roommate to the beat of dubstep plugged into a double headed dildo while she works your erogenous zones with a cello bow?”
“…Not until this very second, no,” Spike admitted.
“Yeah, me neither!”
“Look, if you just take us down right now, I think that’ll ease the tension here and it’ll be much more relieved about—”
“Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! I’M DOING IT!” Sunset screamed as she descended along with the bed into the forest below where a pack of Timber Wolves were presented with surprise delicacies on a fluffy platter before not one but two previously unknown creatures made it clear that said wolves were NOT top of the food chain and also made out of very, very flammable wood.