First published
Waluigi's facial hair romances everyone's favorite EQG waifu and then Twilight makes a bet with Pinkie Pie which keeps getting more bizarre.
A speedfic written entirely during the second of my hour-long library computer reservations.
I blame Fourths, even though she has nothing to do with this. It's just fun to blame her.
One day, while Waluigi was playing Mario Cart 8, which is the strongest entry in the Mario Cart series since Double Dash, his mustache was struck by a strange electromagnetic beam from the planet Socks. This beam turned any sufficiently developed facial hair into a sapient creature. His mustache thus struck, the what decided that it needed to make the most of life in the short time it had on this mortal coil. Inasmuch, it decided it was time to seek out love.
It wasn't really sure what to love, so it decided to go to the movie theater to watch a romantic movie, since romantic movies are about love and thus if you don't know a lot about love they can be valuable sources. The mustache, which decided to name itself Tokanaga Shogunate, was going to watch "You've Got Mail" (It had heard funny things about the orgasm scene), but it turned out that had been out of theaters for like two decades. However, Equestria Girls was playing, and that looked fun, so Tokanaga Shogunate decided to watch that instead. Just to make clear, the mustache wasn't still attached to Waluigi's face and just growing everywhere really rapidly or something, like a tumor. It actually detached itself and locomoted by flapping its twin ends up and down rapidly, flying wherever it pleased. So it flew into theater 7 and took a seat, pulling a smuggled chocolate bar out of its purse and taking a bite. Seriously, have you seen theater food prices lately? Fucking ridiculous!
Later on, Tokanaga agreed with the assessment that My Little Pony: Equestria Girls wasn't very good. Nah, no point sugar coating it: It's fucking awful. No beating around the bush there. However, Toka was entranced by the villain, a conniving girl named Sunset Shimmer. It had a thing for bad girls, and she was one power-hungry dudette. He was entranced by her bacon and cheese hair and enraptured by her uh... assets. Yes he, was lusting after a high-schooler, but it's okay because she was eighteen. I'm sure there's a libertarian party joke around here somewhere.
Tokanaga the sapient mustache formerly attached to that area between Waluigi's upper lip and his pointy nose, was in love.
The mustache at this point decided it really thought of itself as male, and because this is a cool free society where people (or mustaches) can identify however the fuck they want, he took on male pronouns. Having done so, he took a job as an assistant librarian in Little Rock, Arkansas in order to save up funds to travel to Equestria. Eventually, he had saved up fifty seven thousand of dollars (mostly through running drug smuggling operation in the staff lounge) and purchased the supplies necessary to build a portal to Equestria. Then he built said portal with the help of some day laborers he strangled afterwards and stepped through it--err, he's a mustache, so, uh, flew through it, I guess. He flew through a vortex, and when he at last opened his eyes (look don't fucking ask me how a mustache has eyes, I don't fucking know.), he was in a cartoon world of magic and friendship. It was time to find the love of his life.
Unfortunately, Toka the mustache ended up in Equestria proper. The horses were cool and all, but if he wanted to fuck a horse he'd just become a brony. No, he wanted Bacon hair. So he travelled to the Crystal Empire where he had seen the mirror in the Equestria Girls movie, drugged the night guards, and snuck to the basement where said mirror was. He smiled mustachily. It was still there. Perfect. He flew through the portal and flew out of a statue in front of a high school. Perfect. Now it was time to romance Sunset Shimmer.
"Huh," Twilight said as she and her friends walked through the bucolic village of Ponyville. On the ground she found a chocolate wrapper. It was odd because ponies don't litter, and more importantly, don't have the same candy containing technology that humans do. Or... Toadstoolians? Fuck, what is the world of Mario called? Anyway, it was a strange find.
"Oooooooh, I bet a mustache accidentally dropped that while hurrying to the Crystal Empire!" Pinkie crooned.
"Pinkie, that's ridiculous," Twilight replied.
"Oh yeah, I bet you fifteen bits you can't eat it!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "You do realize that between my frugal lifestyle and wise investments and upper-middle class parents and royal stipend, I have way more money than I need and thus don't have to take stupid bets with my friends, right?"
"Not even for me, Pinkie?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Okay, whatever." She picked up the wrapper with her magic and stuck it in her mouth.
Tako arrived in the land of colorful humans, but tragically, did not find sunset there. Instead he found a school traumatized by her reign of terror. Some asking around revealed she had been involuntarily institutionalized, on account of being fucking mad. Mad with power, that is. Honestly, that thought just aroused him even more. He hopped a ride on Human Canterlot's excellent public transportation system and made his way downtown. When he found Sunny Buns in the asylum raving about actually being a horse, it turned out he was the first person to bother visiting her in two weeks. After the Humane Five had made their visit a few days after the whole crown stealing demon zombie incident, they kind of forgot about her for a bit, a source of friction downplayed in the Rainbow Rocks movie but explored in more detail in one of the official comics. Anyway, she was happy to have a visitor.
Tako was a little nervous on account of being a mustache, but he began to speak. "Uh, Sunset, I know you don't know me, but I watched a documentary on you recently, and... I think I'm in love with you. Sunset Shimmer, will you marry me?"
Sunset's eyes teared up. Finally someponyone loved her the way Celestia never did. "Y-yes! I'll marry you, Takonaga Shogunate! I want to be your wife forever and always!"
Tako was overjoyed. They got married in a small civil ceremony in the assylum's garden, fifteen minutes later.
According to Equestrian Law, asylum patients must have access to conjugal visits. Thus, the mustache and the horse human consumated their love that night. Please don't ask me how. This is rated Teen, not Mature.
Also, Twilight choked on that candy wrapper and died. the end.
