I'm just a janitor. The only Human janitor in Equestria, but still just a janitor. I quite like my job if I'm honest, sure it gets a bit hectic, but the pays good.
They call me Mister Clean. I'm the first and only Human janitor in Equestria. I prefer a more simple life. I was brought into this land as a janitor, and I'm gonna die in this land as a janitor.
A couple years ago I was just doing my rounds cleaning floors and sweeping up the already clean halls of a local government building. I was a janitor, nothing special, but it paid the bills. I enjoyed my job if I’m honest, it's simple, quiet, and people generally leave me alone. Each day is the same.
“Mornin’, Clean!”
“Mornin’ to you too, See Shore”
I was doing my usual rounds, I had my suit on with all my tools, one of the lights in the twelfth floor kept flickering, and it was my job to change it. Not only was I a “skilled” janitor; I was also a “skilled” repair man. I had simple tools, a box cutter for cutting, a five-in-one for stuff that got stuck, a hammer for nails, a flashlight for when the power went out, and a ring of keys. Only my keys would be needed. Everyone was gone for the day, and tonight’s job was overnight. The security guard called me and asked for me to fill in for him.
“Good morning, Mister Clean!”
“Good morning, Captain Shoe Horne”
Armed with a fresh light and my ladder, I moved on with my job. Changing lights was a simple task, even a child could do it. I was not a child, so I had faith in my skills. I exited the elevator and started looking for room 221. Going for the door, I put my keys in and tried to unlock it. I shook the handle and found that I had only relocked the door. Apparently whoever was last forgot to lock the door. Nothing new, but I reminded myself to make sure all the doors are locked. It's a good time waster if anything. No point in continuously re-cleaning the floors if they’re already clean. No one there to dirty them anyway.
“Howdy, Mistah Clean!”
“Howdy to you too, Honey Apples, how's the family?.”
“Good! We’re thrivin’ and farmin’! Wife’s gettin’ a bit sick, but grannie’s still kickin’!”
“Good to hear, Apple.”
Correctly unlocking the door this time, I set up my ladder and started to climb up it. Taking out my screwdriver, I undid the screws and removed the casing off the light fixture. The first time I did this, a plumb of dust and dead bugs cascaded onto me, since then I’ve made sure to clean each light in the building. All 16-fucking-floors. All 12,522-fucking-lights. Needless to say, it definitely kept me busy on the slow nights.
“Clean! Clean! Clean!”
“Yes, Blueblood?”
“I made another friend today!”
As I tower over the small, white colt. I can see the happiness in his eyes. He’s always had trouble making friends. When Celestia adopted him two years ago, he was quiet for months.
“Thats perfect, Blue! What's their name?”
“Shining Armor! He’s the tall, white pony like me!”
I recognized that name immediately. He was the older brother to Celestia’s new student. Twilight Sparkle, if I was remembering correctly.
“The newest recruit of the guard? That's good to hear, Blue.”
“Yup… Oh! I’ve gotta go! I’ve still got homework to do before class.”
“All right, Blueblood; good luck on your work. Don’t forget to call me if you need help.”
“Okay! Thanks, Clean!”
Breaking away from the conversation, I continued to reminisce about my time before winding up here.
It's easy work, too easy, and the night was going too well. I should have known that something was going to happen. I had just gotten a raise, and things were going too smoothly. Finishing up my light adventure, I left the room, locked it, and left my ladder and the old light by the elevator. Going through the floor, I checked each door and locked the unlocked ones. Damn those workers, they know they’re supposed to lock up. I don’t mind the extra work, but if something were to happen it would fall on my neck. I returned back to the elevator, got in, and pressed the button to the top floor. Best to start from the top and work my way down.
“GOOD MORNING ,CLEAN! WHAT’CHA THINKING ABOUT?”
“Sweet Lord, Morning Dew. Do you really have to scream in my ear?”
“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be as awake as you are now, would you?”
“I was perfectly awake before, in fact, I feel more dead and deafened than I did before.”
The mare's ears fold back. This is her routine every morning. She pouts and pulls a puppy eyes, trying to get make me feel bad. Unfortunately for her, I’ve known her since she was a filly, and nothing she does works on my. Morning Dew was actually a Thestral. A fluffy, more batty version of the normal ponies.
Noticing that her pouty face wasn’t working on me, she huffs, “C’mon, can’t you give in at least once?”
“Nope, not gonna happen,” I pat her on the head as a small reward for her efforts. “Good attempt, though.”
“I just wanted to see you before I went to sleep, long shift today but atleast I got to see my favorite human!”
“As the only human, I feel offended that you and the other hundreds of ponies find that a compliment.”
“Well… I mean it more!”
“Good enough for me, then.”
We both wave as we cross paths.
As I go through each floor, making sure that each door is locked, I feel a small itch in the back of my mind. Like I’m forgetting something. I just pass it off as the urge to smoke, so I decide to take a break and head down to the first floor’s smoking room. Taking out my pack of smokes and a small zippo, I start to light the cigarette while walking through the door. By the time I’m finally able to start the zippo and light the smoke, I hear the door close behind me. Looking up and around I find, not the first floor smoking room, but instead a large throne room. It's dark, but I can see the moonlight shining through the large glass windows.
“Cleaaaaan! Mister Cleaaan! I’ve got some free time before class, let’s study!”
I feel the small form of a filly crash into my shins. It doesn’t hurt, but it served its purpose of gaining my attention. Looking down at the small monstrosity straddling my shin and attempting to end my life with an impromptu trip to the floor, I see none other that Celestia’s newest prodigy. Twilight Sparkle.
“And Hello to you too, Twilight. I’m a bit busy at the moment, maybe later?”
She visibly deflates at my rejection. “Okay… maybe later?”
“Of course, Twilight; I’ll always try and make time for you, now go to class. You don’t want to be late again, now do you?”
“Nope! See ya, Mister Clean!”
Inside the throne room, I hear the distinct sound of someone crying. Looking around for the source of the forlorn crying, I find a white figure on one of the two thrones in the room. “Hello? Are you okay,miss?” The crying abruptly halts, and with a few sniffles and a with a shaky voice, she protests. “I-... I thought I said not to interrupt me for the rest of the night” “Look, I’m not sure what’s going on, but it sounds like you’re kinda upset. Anything I can do to help?” The figure stands up, a clear seven feet tall, with a large horn adding another foot or so of length. Standing on four legs, the large horse trotted up to me. She surveyed me with wary, bloodshot eyes. “You don’t look like one of my subjects. What are you and where do you hail from?”
“Good morning, Clean. I trust that today’s Sun was as magnificent as the last?”
“Speak of the devil and she shall appear; good morning, Celestia. And yes, the sun was just as good as the last.”
“Calling a goddess such as I a ‘devil’ could land you in the dungeons, but I feel the chains and whips might be more of an reward than a punishment.”
“Dirty jokes don’t work well with you Celestia, and to what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you this early in the morning?”
“Nothing really, just making sure Twilight makes it to her class, it also gives me a few moments of peace before the rustle and bustle of the nobles come in.”
“Fair enough, I was just on my way to quickly sweep the throne room before they came in, care to join me?”
“I suppose it's inevitable, if you insist.”
“Care for a smoke?” I ask, offering the large Alicorn one of my cigarettes. “It’ll help you calm down.” “A ‘smoke’? What is this small stick you call a smoke, and why does it smell so bad?” “It's just a bunch of leaves in a piece of paper basically, helps kill you faster, but sometimes helps you calm down.” She turns her nose up to it, and knocks the box out of my hand with her hoof. “Why would you do something that would kill you faster! Life is too precious for that!” I couldn’t help but shrug. “No idea, but it helps me calm down.” I pick the pack back up and pull out another one, setting it in my mouth and lighting it. “I’ve been smoking these for years, hasn’t killed me yet, so I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
Over the past thirty minutes, Celestia, as I learned her name was, has been dumping all of her problems onto me. Apparently, 800-ish years ago she was forced to banish her sister to the moon, and every Summer Solstice she raises the sun and spends the day tormenting herself over her past mistakes. She told me about her life, her sister, her daily duties, and I replied with my own life. My life is barely a fraction of what hers is, but she held onto every word, fascinated in both me and herself. She had never told another creature about her life, and yet here she was. Telling a complete stranger, and a previously unidentified creature her entire life story.
“I… must thank you.” “For what?” “For spending the time to listen to my lament. I’ve kept my pain to myself for so long, that I feared that I would lose myself.” “Think nothing of it, boss, just helping a friend out.” “A friend? You truly consider us a friend? But we’ve just met not even an hour ago?” “And? Time doesn’t really matter, just as long as people get along.”
This stumped her. She gave up her hopes of making a friend centuries ago. Ever since she took up the crown, it had just been her and her sister.
We arrived at the throne room. It was quiet and empty. Not a single soul had arrived yet, and the floor was still clean from the previous night’s cleaning.
“Welp, this is it, Tia: this is where we part ways for the day.”
“Yes, I must agree. We both have our duties for the day.”
Celestia looked at the human, and for the first time in a long time, she was reminded of their first encounter. The dingy human, wearing a wrinkled uniform and tool belt, still looked the same has he had since he arrived. Not aging a day, but keeping the same gentle look in his eyes. He was a proud man, with no regrets. If he were to die today, he would happily accept his fate.
“If you ever need anything, I’ll always be there for you.” “If you ever need anything, I’ll always be there for you.”
Those words made tears sting at Celestia’s eyes. True to his word, he’s always been there for her. For almost 200 years now, he’s stayed by her side. As a friend, and as a brother. She knew that he meant what he said, even if it would cost him his life.
She felt special, he was too nice, everyone loved him, but she’s seen his dark side. His fears and his weaknesses. Just as he had seen her own.. She only hoped that he would help heal her sister as well, if she were to ever return...
After cleaning for a couple hours, I’m graced to a delicious breakfast with Celestia, her new student, and Blueblood. When we first ate together, Blueblood and Twilight were both shocked to see I ate meat, but quickly calmed down. For being a bunch of herbivores, they seem to accept omnivores pretty well.
I actually asked what their deal with that is. I expected them to freak out and outcast me. Maybe even banish me. They told me that it didn’t bother them at all, in fact, it calmed them. To know that they had an omnivore on their side, something they considered a true predator, made them feel safe. Since they knew I would never eat them, they all figured that I would protect them from anything that would try to eat them. It didn’t make sense to me, but who am I to tell them what to and not to believe.
That's not to say that I wouldn’t protect them, because I would. I have in the past, and I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t continue to do so.
“So, Clean, how is cleaning going?”
“I’m an over 200 year old janitor, how do you think I’m doing?”
“Uhh…”
“Pretty good actually. So, Twilight and Blueblood, how are classes going?” I asked.
Blueblood shot up first, “They’re great! Today we learned how to hoof paint! Then we practiced our singing in chorus! Twilights a better singer than I am...but that's okay!”
Twilight beamed at the compliment, she adores praise, no matter who its from. “But you’re better at hoof painting than me! The picture you drew of Cl-” Blueblood covered her mouth with his hoof and looked around sheepishly.
“Shhh Twilight! I don’t want them to find out yet…”
“Oh, sorry Blueblood.”
Celestia and I shared a knowing glance. Kids will be kids, even if they’re no longer foals.
“So, what classes are left today?”
“Well, we have another math class, and after that we have to attend our Ancient Equish class, I find it silly tho. Why would we have to learn a dead language anyway?”
Twilight, the ever present learner, spoke up before Celestia or I could. “We learn it, so that we can learn more about our past and our ancestors! That, and it sounds cool!”
“Y’know, Celestia and I actually know Old Equish. So it's not THAT dead. Unless you think we’re both so old that we might as well be.” I knew I had Blueblood there, and if the embarrassed look on his face was anything, he knew he was in a bind.
“It's not that you're old Clean! It's just that… well… um…”
“He means that it's not commonly spoken anymore. Besides, when was the last time either of YOU used Old Equish anyway?” Twilight said, earning a thankful look from Blueblood
Celestia and I turned to each other knowingly again. We actually used it quite often, if not for the fun of it. We oftentimes liked to make fun of the nobles with it, since none of them remember it past grade school.
Stifling a laugh, I asked Celestia, “What did the pony say when it fell? “
Already knowing where this was going she could only reply, “What?”
“I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
Never before have I seen such a look of disappointment on Celestias face. Nor the look of pure confusion coming from the two foals on the other side of the table as I burst out laughing with tears streaming down my face. If there's one thing I loved more than cleaning it was a good joke.
-=- -=- -=-
“C-Cehehehe Celestia.. So hahah. Ah god, its just to damn funny. I can’t even finish the joke.” “You sure do enjoy your jokes, don’t you little human?” “Little? Oh god that brings up another great joke. So a pony goes to the doctor and tells him, ‘Doc, I think I’m dying. I have this terrible sore throat.’” “Yes, and?” “The doctor replies, ‘It's okay—you’re just a little horse.’" Celestia had to stifle a giggle, wiping away the tears from before as her new friend breaks down in tears, desperately trying to suck in air.
She had never had another treat her like an equal. For years she was forced the be the better, to be the highest caliber, the one everypony strives to be, but never will. But this one human. This one creature. This single...person… had made her feel wanted again. Like she belonged where she was. She knew she would never be able to repay him for his kindness this cold and lonely Summer Solstice night. He had willingly given her a shoulder to cry on, and a warm feeling in her belly. For once in years, she found someone better than her. Not morally, but maybe in feelings. He was happy and content with his life, but here she was, barely making it day to day.
From this point on, she would find a way to repay him, to give him back the same kindness he gave her tonight. Maybe, life wasn’t as bad as she thought it to be…
*Click Click* “Hey Celestia, you there boss?”
“Bwuh huh?”
“You just stopped lauging and went silent, Twilight and Blueblood were getting worried about you. They’ve still got to go to class, you know?”
Looking over to the two the foals, they were both holding onto her legs and trying to get her attention.
“Aunty?” “Celestia?”
She scooped up both foals and held them to her muzzle and nuzzled them. “I’m sorry children, I was just reminiscing about the old times.”
“What were you thinking about Auntie?”
“Don’t worry about it little one, just some personal matters. Nothing little foals who will be late to class need to worry about.” She set them down and battered them lightly with her wings. “Now get going, you still have personal classes with me later Twilight.”
“Okay Princess! C’mon Blueblood, lets go!”
Blueblood spared one last look at Celestia before running up to her one more time and hugging her legs. “I love you Auntie, thank you…” Then he ran off to join Twilight.
“Well… That was cute.”
“Indeed it was Clean, indeed it was.”
Both Celestia and I left the dinner room to move to the throne room. It was time to continue with day court, and I figured I would join her and clean the room before it was packed. Usually I help her with the ponies, since most of them bring up trivial matters instead of actual events that need attention
None of them really minded it, in fact, a lot of the ponies welcomed me to help their princess. I’ve been in this land so long that many come just to get a chance to speak with me. They tell us their problems, and I usually give them some insight or just regular advice. Sometimes I’ll take one of them into a side room to give them one-on-one counseling, since some of their matters are more private. I’ve become a sort-of impromptu therapist.
“I don’t want to appear selfish, but stop what you’re doing and focus on me.”
The mare had to stop herself. She came in yelling about how a bunch bunnies were ruining her flower garden.
“Have you ever… I dunno… thought of putting up a fence or something? Surely an ‘intelligent’ mare like yourself could do that.”
“Now see here! I came to see the princess, not some two legged janitor with a power complex!”
“You know what, I’m gonna give you a nickname.”
“A nickname?! I have a name you uncultured swine!”
“How about Whiney Face?”
A couple of the other ponies in the line start to laugh at the already embarrassed mare.
“Or how about Whiney Bitch? Whiney Hoofton?”
“Thats it! I’ve had enough, I won’t be ridiculed by somepony lesser than me! Good day sir!”
“Seeyah Whiney Face. Welp, thats another one down Princess, if you need me, I’ll be cleaning anywhere fucking else but here.” I waved off the other ponies. “If you need me, you’ll know where to find me.”
“Bye Mister Clean!” Sounded the rest of the group as I left the room.
Another successful day as the janitor.
The Janitors Rulebook: Lesson one - Dont dirty my floors
“So, thou are telling me, that you simply walked through the doorway, and found thyself in my throne room? “
“Well, yeah. I mean, it's sure as hell not like I tried to find this place. I was just going on a smoke break when next thing you know a large alabaster Alicorn is crying in what was SUPPOSED to be my break room.”
Walking back to the door, I proceeded to try and open the door and close it multiple times, hoping that one time I wouldn't be faced with a small closet full of cleaning supplies. As much as they brought me familiarity , they didn't bring me comfort, and they sure as hell didn't bring me home.
“So… Any idea how to send me home? It's not like I have much back there, but I sure as hell don't really have anything holding me here either.”
“NO! Er… I mean, I know no such way to send you to wherever your home is. Maybe, you could stay here? Atleast until I find a way to send you back?”
“Sure I suppose,” I can't help but pull out another smoke, light it, and sit back onto the ground with my hands in my work belt. “Any idea how long this'll take? I've kinda got a job to do.”
The large Alicorn sat down next to me, trying to cover me with one of her wings before the smoke forces her to back off. “Surely you don't need to use those blasted sticks all the time, do you?”
“Ehhh not really. But it helps me feel significantly less stressed. I'm in a different world apparently, and I've no idea how to get back.” I leaned back and stared up at the still dark ceiling. Wafts of smoke trailing upward, making obscure shapes in the darkness above me.
“So, since I'm pretty much boned, what can I do around here? I mean, I was a simple janitor and maintenance man back where I came from, what the hell am I supposed to do now?”
“Well, who is to say that you should stop? Surely you would wish to work here the same? Of course, being a foreign creature, you don't truly have to work, I could give you a monthly stipend to pay for whatever needs that thou-”
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Saying ‘thou’ and stuff like that. Why do you even do that anyway? The rest of your words are fine.”
A faint pink hue colored the Alicorn's face, “Well, the reason is because of my sister. When she was still here, we spoke in an older dialect, but we as a race have moved onto a much simpler way of speaking.”
Snuffing out the used cigarette on my toolbelt, I started to take off my tools and then the belt. A cacophony of clinking and jostling filled the already deadly quiet room as I struggled to undo the damn belt. For years, I’ve been using this tool belt; it was passed down from my grandfather who was a repairman.
The sound of windchimes met my ears as a glow surrounded the buckle of the belt and easily undid it.
“The hell's goin on here?”
“What do you mean? You appeared to be struggling, so I wished to help you.”
“Don’t. Don’t touch my belt.” I harshly reprimanded her. To which her ears fell back and she shied away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend thee.”
“You didn’t, but this belt means a lot to me. I’ve had this baby for years, and I haven’t let anyone touch it. If they do, I break their hand.”
It was clear that she didn’t know what a hand was, but she wasn’t going to gain my ire over something that small.
“If it means that much to you, maybe I can do something to help you. With my magic I can make it unbreakable.”
I stopped fiddling with my belt and tools. I didn’t want anyone to mess with my belt, but the opportunity to make it unbreakable? That was an offer I couldn’t pass up.
“Y-you would do that? For me?” It was strange, I barely knew this Alicorn for an hour, but I was already going to trust her with something this special.
“For you my dear friend, I would do anything…” She said, enveloping my belt with her magical aura. I tried to ignore the clear euphemism, but was entranced by the glow enveloping my belt, causing it to float in the air. After a light flash, she set it back down on the ground. “There, now your belt should be fine, nothing light of a deadly spell will destroy it. I swear on my magic, it will be safe.”
I held up the belt, inspecting it with a critical eye. I couldn’t help but cry, it meant so much to me. This belt was all I had left of my grandfather, I’ve kept it safe and used it for years, and now it would probably outlast me. I wrapped my arms around the Alicorn, shocking her with my quick embrace. I cried, harder than I thought I would. This simple mare, had done something for me that no one else could.
I swore I would repay her, no matter the cost.
Rounding the corner of the hall, I was met with one helluva sight. The entire floor was trashed, like a group of bulls wrecked the place. At the end of the hall was the same mare from before. She was knocking stuff over, scuffing up the floor, and just making a complete mess of the place.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING TO MY FLOOR!?” I screamed, running up to the mare as she tried to backpedal away from my advancing form.
“GUARDS! GUARDS HELP ME! I’M BEING ATTACKED!”
As she yelled, two royal guards rounded the corner, brandishing their weapons. They took one look at the situation. The trashed hall, the terrified mare, and the eternal fury radiating from my eyes. The glare I gave them told them to fuck off, and fuck off they did.
“Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.” They both said backing up around the hall. If there's one thing they learned, it's to never disturb Mister Clean when he was cleaning, and ESPECIALLY don’t dirty my floors.
“Guards! Where are you going?! Don’t leave me, help!”
“And why should they help you, Missss?” I said, grabbing her by her horn and drawing out the ‘s’.
She was terrified, she knew she had fucked up. “W-what are you going to do to me?”
“Oh, trust me… I’ve got MAJOR plans for you, little pony.”
After about an hour of work both her and I were standing at the end of the hall. The pots were replaced, the floor was swept and cleaned, and I had her scrub out the scuffs she made on the floor.
“There you go, pony; now you know how much hard work it is to keep this place clean.”
The mare was exhausted, apparently she had never done work this hard in her life. Either she was one of the most sheltered ponies in this land, or ponies have just gotten lazier since I arrived.
“How… in… Tartarus… do you… do… this… every day?” She asked between pants.
Patting her on the head I said, “Well, ponies usually don’t come in and trash the place. So tell me, what's your name, miss?
“Its Spoiled Milk, and I wish to apologize. I did all of this without thinking, I was just so angry after you insulted me. I didn’t know what to do, so I just got angry and lashed out.”
Petting the mare on her head, rubbing my fingers through her purple hair, I offered her to come join me on my break. “What say you and I go down to the kitchen and get a drink? I don’t know about you, but I’m beat now. And maybe after, I can help you with your problem as well.”
“You would do that? After all the trouble I caused you?”
“Well, you made up for it by helping me clean, even if it wasn’t technically voluntary. Now c’mon, let's go down to the kitchen and talk about it.”
We walked to the kitchen in silence. Spoiled had her head down the entire time, just staring at the floor.
“So, Spoiled, tell me about your bunny problem. If it sounds easy enough, I'll go and help make your fence myself.
“That’s… That’s too much. I could never ask you to do that, not after what I did.”
You could see the guilt in her eyes, but under that guilt was a cold calculating stare. “Don't worry about it, I've pretty much got nothing to do here anyway. It'll give me a chance to take a break and visit family.”
“You have family? But, I've never seen another creature like you before.” Her guilty look was replaced with one of curiosity.
“Yeah, turns out I can't have kids, or foals in your case, but there's too many kids out there without families.”
“I'm not sure I understand, what do you mean?”
“Are you really that dense? I adopted a filly, plain and simple. I’ve adopted a couple actually. Got enough bits to keep them supported to their great grandfoals.”
“Wow, that’s… That's nice of you.” Her guilty look returns.
“Ehh, it's nothing special. Little filly needed a father figure, I just happened to be able to step in. Now back to our problem, your bunny infestation?”
“Oh, right, right… “
I could tell she wanted to ask more questions, but I wasn't really in the mood to tell this mare my life story.
“It's actually simple, a group of bunnies keep coming into my garden and destroying everything.”
“That’s it? Well, then we don't have much to worry about.”
“And why is that?”
“‘Cus all I have to do is build a fence around your garden. That'll take me MAYBE an hour. If that.”
“Alright; well, thank you, Mister Clean. And when can we do this?”
“All I hafta do is talk to the Princess. After that I can take a couple days off. So with this-” I held up my drink, a glass of Scotch that I kept hidden in each kitchen in the castle, and downed the glass. “Now, time to request a week off.”
With that I left the mare behind. She was a grown pony, she could make her way out of the castle.
Late at night, in a dark and empty throne room, two figures were crying over each other. One with their wings tied to their sides and a metal circlet over their horn. The other covered in bandages, large lacerations and wounds littered his body.
The Alicorn cried, around her throne were the lifeless bodies of her captors. The crimson-stained throne room glistened. Outside the throne, the screams of victory and praise reached the wounded man's ears.
The war between Equestria and Griffonia was coming to a close, as the King’s last ditch effort of kidnapping the princess of the day was foiled. King Allant, a proud and egotistical king. He sought to do the deed himself; who else should be worthy of capturing the princess but him?
What he never expected was the princess to be guarded by a monster, wielding nothing more than a hammer.
Countless of his best guards fell to the beast, nothing seemed to stop it, countless griffons were bashed and maimed to the humans hammer. It wasn't until one lucky griffin was able to get a clean blow to the back of the head did the crazed human fall.
Celestia cried. The one who cared for her, the one who let her cry on his shoulder, the one who protected her, died. She watched the griffons hail his dead body away.
“Take him away, boys, and no need to be gentle.”
“Will do my, King. C’mon men, let's go.”
One of the griffons picked up the human’s body by the arm, a sharp crack filled the room and everyone flinched.
The remaining griffons started to whisper to each other, mainly focusing on the one holding the human.
“D-did I just break his arm?”
“I think you did private, good work!”
“How did a fragile creature like this take so many out?”
“I dunno and I dun’ care, ‘jus get rid of ‘im”
With that, the griffons dragged the limp and now broken body out of the throne room.
‘Why should I go on?’ The mare thought. ‘All that I loved is gone. He's gone… I… I…’
The mare deflated under the king, defeated.
“Do what you want, Allant, you've taken all I care for… “
“Like I would take a pony like you; your kind disgust me. All I want is your head and the land of your kingdom. With you gone, I will have my unicorns move the sun in your absence.”
This news did nothing to make the mare feel better, the human was still gone and soon she would join him. It wasn't until that thought did she smile. She laid her head down, waiting for the griffon to lay the final blow. “Go ahead and kill me, there's nothing left for me here.”
The Griffon King Allant just stared at her with a mindful look.
“How easily have you given up. What did that creature mean to you? Was he really all that you cared for? What about your sister up there-” The King pointed up to the moon through one of the broken windows. “-does she really mean nothing to you?”
“How do you know about my sister?” Tears stained her face. She forgot about her own sister; why had this human meant so much to her?
“Don't be foolish, ‘Princess.’ Everygriffon knows the story of the two sisters. Why else would the moon have the shape of a mare in it? Now tell me: What. Does. That. Creature. Mean. To. You.” The king punctuated each word with a click of his talons before dragging them down the mare's neck, lacerating her white fur and causing blood to seep out from the cuts.
Celestia seethed at the pain, it had been centuries since anyone dared harm the princess, to attempt hurting the one who controlled the sun was just foolish
“He's gone, what does it matter to you anyway!?” Celestia began to regain her strength. Her fur began to bristle in rage at the griffon.
*SMACK*
The sound of the griffon harshly slapping the princess with his talon filled the room. A large red claw shape covered the left side of the princess’ face. The griffon followed up by grabbing the princess by the jaw and digging his nails into her neck, below the muzzle.
“I wanted to know what it was before I buried it, but maybe I'll let my men use his body as target practice; they are going to need more practice dummies when we take over the rest of your country.”
Celestia spit in his face. The saliva dribbled down the griffons face. As the king raised his hand, a spear flew the air and impaled the griffon’s talon.
The king screamed in pain. He tried to rip the spear out, but it was so long, that the spear stopped halfway through. He would have to rip it through another 2 feet either way he pulled it.
“Don't… Touch… Her… “
Celestia gasped, but the griffon king paled.
King Allant looked up to find the same creature from before. The same creature he saw his men kill, standing in the doorway. The two-legged monstrosities’ left arm was horribly bent the wrong way from the rough handling before.
But then the griffon noticed something. The human was unarmed.
“Heh heh heh, you really are a fool, creature. You come to oppose you new king? And unarmed?! I will make waste of you!”
And with a bite of his beak he broke the spear in half and tore the rest out. With a hefty grunt he flung the spear away and withdrew his sword.
The griffon held a sabre in his left claw. Despite the loss of his right hand, it was clear that he was skilled with a sword.
Both parties noticed the hammer in the middle of the room.
Both parties made a mad dash to the hammer.
King Allant got there first.
The king made a wild slash at the approaching human. But he rolled under the blade and was able to grab onto the hammer.
Taking a step back, the two parties glared, preparing to face the other.
One, a King. A proud griffon, trained with multiple different weapons.
The other, a janitor. A human from a foreign land.
King Allant moved first, attempting to strike the human with a downward slash.
Blade touched steel as the human spun the hammer and caught the blade with the prongs of his tool. Twisting the hammer with a firm grip, the sword locked in place.
The human pulled the sword, but the king refused to let go. It wasn't until the steel toes of the human’s boot connected to the his beak did he let go.
His sword clattered to the ground. Clutching his now broken beak, he let out a cry of distress as he felt pieces of the beak chip away.
“Your first mistake… was dirtying MY! FUCKING! FLOORS!”
Both parties began to assault the other, steel connected to steel multiple times. Pure luck was the only thing keeping the human alive.
The king’s saber slashed across the human's chest leaving a large gash from his shoulder to his hip. The adrenalin pumping through his veins was starting to dwindle, and the human knew he was running out of time.
As the king tried to slash at the human again, his hammer connected to the middle of the blade, parrying it to the side, with a spin he brought his hammer down, in a last-ditch effort to end this fight.
Hammer connected to bone, and with a resounding crack, the king fell. With blurry, teary eyes the king looked up to his better.
“H-how? How could you possibly take us down? What… Are... You..?”
“You wanna know what I am?”
The human crouched down, getting level with the wounded griffon.
“I'm the mutha fucking janitor.”
And then it all went black.
-=- -=- -=-
“Is that true, Mister Clean? Did that really happen?”
I sat at the end of Blueblood’s huge bed. It was clear that nopony would ever need a bed this big, but Blueblood loved it.
“That's up for you to decide, little Blue; now it's time that you went to sleep.”
“Okay, Dad…”
“Dad?”
Blueblood started to shake and cry. “I-I'm sorry, Mister Clean! I just- I just said it on accident! Please don't hate me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” Tears poured down the white colt’s face as he latched onto my midsection and cried into my chest.
I pulled him close and held him, rubbing my hand down his mane and back.
I used to hate hugs. I hated people in general. But ponies, ponies are a different story. They're all so fluffy. And they feel like holding a huge stress ball, and I can squeeze them as hard as I wanted and never hurt them. It was perfect.
“Shhhh. Shhhhh. It's okay, little Blue, it's okay. I could never hate you.”
“B-but no one would want to be my dad! All I have is you and Auntie, I don't want to lose either of you.”
I was starting to get worried, I didn't know much about Blueblood’s past since Celestia adopted him. “Why would you lose us, Blue? We love you.”
“I'm sorry, Clean. I'm so sorry!”
“It’s okay, Blue; just tell me what’s wrong.” I picked him up and held him in my lap, covering both of us with his favorite light blue blanket to try and calm him down.
“It's just… My daddy left me. It was just him and me and he… he left me! He used to tell me not to call him dad. That I should act like I don't know who he is. Then he left me alone and I didn't know where to go. I was so alone and scared! But then Auntie Celestia found me and it's like I have a family again!”
He started to calm down now, still shaking and sniffling occasionally so I grabbed a handkerchief I kept in my pocket and wiped his tears away. I held it up to his nose, “blow,” and cleaned his nose.
“I'm just afraid that you'll leave me now. I didn't mean to call you dad, I just wanted to say it and it came out. I'm sorry, Mister Clean.”
“Blueblood, if it would make you feel better, you can call me ‘Dad’.”
“R-really? You won't leave me?”
“Of course not Blue, how could I leave a handsome little colt like you! Hell, I bet I'll just have to beat the mares off with a stick when you're older.”
He giggled at that. “Thanks Clea- I mean, Dad.”
That brought a smile to my face, it's been a long time since anyone has called me dad. I've been in this world for 200 years, so it's not really that much of a shock that I would have kids. All adopted, but that didn't change how much I loved them.
Setting the colt back down and tucking him into bed, Blueblood and I exchanged ‘I love you’ and our goodbyes.
If anyone asked, he would say he was leaking liquid pride. He would most certainly never admit to crying.
Now that Blueblood was asleep, it was time to talk to Celestia about taking a week off. Hopefully this would go over well.
The castle is huge. Like, really damn huge. I thought the building I worked in was huge, but Sweet Tap-dancing Christ, was this castle huge. I know castles are supposed to be huge, but walking up each flight of stairs makes me wish it was a small cottage.
26,788 Steps. It takes 26,788 stair steps to reach Celestia’s room in her tower. I've personally told her that she's stupid, her castle’s stupid, and each stair is stupid.
Don't get me wrong, I love exercising and just walking around in general, but not having some background music to listen to, or really anything to look at, it starts to grate on my nerves.
Luckily, I still had the same pack of smokes since I arrived here. It was a shock to me too, after that spell Celestia cast on my belt, everything in it seemed to never run out. So now I’ve got an endless supply of razors, nails, and cancer sticks.
At first I thought I was just counting wrong. I would pull the pack out of my belt and take a cigarette out, then put it back into my belt. The problem was that I definitely smoked more than twenty five, but they just kept coming. One night when I was resting in the room Celestia gave me, coincidentally next to hers, I decided to find out the extent of my new magic pack. I opened it up and dumped it out onto my bed. When I closed it and opened it back up, it was full again.
I spent an hour doing this, covering my bed in cigarettes. And then Celestia walked in. ‘Clean, could you plea-’ and she stopped. I just looked at her like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar.
‘Want a smoke?’
I laugh at the memory, lighting one of the cigarettes and putting it my mouth. I was actually pretty stressed; it had been too long since I asked for time off. I didn’t have much of a need to. If anyone needed me, or if my kids came to see me, they knew where I was, but just the thought of the memory put me in a better mood.
If there's one thing I learned in this place, it's that there's magic. Big shock there, I know. Fortunately, most of the magic doesn’t affect me. I’m like a rechargeable battery: I can suck up magic but I can’t actively use it. It's like a prompt actually, like I’m playing a videogame or something along those lines. Whenever something casts magic on me, I feel like I’m deep underwater. There's pressure, but I also feel like my body is floating and my feet are stuck. If I wanna ‘accept’ the magic, I just think it. The same goes for ‘denying’ the magic.
But I’m getting off-subject, there's a couple magics that I can’t control. One of those magics, is the magic of music. I can always feel it coming on, there's a itch on the back of my head. Then it upgrades to chills down my neck. If I try to keep it in, it gets worse. My knees get weak and my legs feel like jelly. Then my arms get the same treatment. Lastly, is the shakes. It's like the music is trying to force itself out of me. I can feel it in my bones and it's horrible.
I can already feel my legs getting wobbly. I light up another smoke and try to fight it. I refused to be subjected to such torture.
“Brook is going to offer you a ride, it’s imperative you accept.”
“Don’t you fucking dare, Morning Dew. If you fucking start siii-hing!” The last word gets shaky as I feel the magic take over more. I glare down at the dark green mare with a darker purple mane. Her fluffy bat ears are swiveling around and she’s grinning a broad, fanged grin.
“So... Do you wanna ride?~” Morning Dew sings while swishing her hips and grinning more as she sees my knees quake.
“I fucking swear to every goddamn deity in this world, I will shove my mop so far up your plot I’ll be able to swab those fangs.”
“Clean… Do you wanna ride, do you wanna ride, do you wanna ride, wanna go far?~”
“Do you wanna ge- NO! I won’t fu- Do you wanna get insi- No!” I have to smack my face to stop myself. I could feel my arms getting more and more wobbly. I couldn’t keep it up much longer. I knew I should have never taught her songs from my world.
“Do you wanna get inside my mother’s car!~”
“Drive it on home, dontcha say no. Dewey, can you be coerced?~” Fuck it, the more I try to resist it, the more it hurts. You know what they say, when in Romeaneigh, do as the Romeponies do.
Morning Dew and I wrap our arm around each other, but I still can't help but glare at the mare that's causing me all my problems.
“Uh! UH!~” We both sing at the same time, bumping into each other.
“Call me a snatch, only one catch: we gotta stop for frozen yogurt first!~” We were close, almost touching our noses and I held her up.
She looked at me seductively with half lidded eyes, and I whispered into her ear…
“Pinkberry…” and promptly dropped her onto the floor.
“Ooof! What was that for, Clean?!” She looked up at me with teary, light green eyes.
“Stop with the crocodile tears, they don’t work on me.”
“Awww, I just thought we could have fun.” She got up and brushed herself off and huffed.
“You know I hate singing and dancing. It's annoying. I don’t even know why I taught you any music from my world.”
“But it's good music! Well, not all of it, but I love that song!”
“You just love it ‘cus its sexual, you perverted bat demon.”
“Be that as it may…”
“Shut the fuck up, Dew.” I sigh and light up another smoke. “Want one?”
“No, Clean. Unlike you, I prefer being alive.”
“Suit yourself. So, what are you doing here?”
“My shift starts soon, so I was heading to Princess Celestia to see if she needed anything.”
“Fair enough, I’m going there too. Gotta ask her for a week off or so, gonna go visit some family and help some mare with building a fence.”
“That Spoiled Milk mare? I heard about her earlier; apparently she got pissed off and trashed the fifth floor resident hall.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Did you kill her?”
“No, Dew, I did not kill her. I actually had her help me clean the floor then told her I’d help her out.”
She looked at me, shocked. “You’re telling me, THE Mister Clean didn’t kill the mare that trashed his floor? I don’t believe you.”
I flicked her ear and she winced. “Believe what you want to believe. I’m happy with what I did.”
She ran in front of me and put her hooves on my shoulders. Scrutinizing me with her huge eyes. I just grab her hooves and flip her over onto her back.
“Ow. Yup, definitely Clean.”
“Did you really have to be sure? Oh well, here’s the door. You wanna go first?”
“Oh, what a gentlestallion. Since you are so kind, I shall go first.”
I opened the door and let her in. Celestia waved her in but visibly perked up when she saw me behind her.
“Captain Morning Dew, Clean, please, come in!”
I closed the door behind me, and approached the saluting pony in front of Celestia. I saluted as well, albeit a bit less serious.
“Hello, Morning Dew. Anything you need to report?”
“We’ve located the cause of the sonic rainboom. Apparently a blue filly known as Rainbow Dash was racing for her friend’s honor. In an attempt to beat the other two racers, she performed a sonic rainboom.”
“Interesting, any information about those two I should know about?”
“Nothing special, just typical school bullying.”
“And the two fillies?”
“They’re both fine, no damages to self or property. Interesting note, however, both found their cutie marks at the same time. The same as Twilight Sparkle.”
Celestia seemed shocked, “You don’t suppose that more ponies got their cutie marks at the same time?”
“Three ponies getting their marks at the same time isn’t a common occurrence…”
I jumped into the picture, I had a feeling I knew where this was going. “You don’t think that those three will be the next elements, do you?”
“I do not know, Clean, but I can only hope.”
“Celestia, you told me years ago about your situation, and I know you’ve told the Solar and Lunar Captains to keep an eye out, but this isn’t the first time you thought a pony would be the next element bearer.” I walked over to Celestia and put my arm around her, stroking her ethereal mane, “You remember what happened with Starswirl Lightchaser, or, as he later dubbed himself, ‘Starswirl the Bearded’”
Morning Dew had to interrupt. “Wait, what happened to Starswirl?”
“Oh, check this out. Before I even arrived here, he was a regular unicorn, but Celestia mentioned the elements, and Starswirl spent years improving his abilities trying to become the next element of magic. Celestia continued to further his research in hopes that he would find out the secrets of the element.”
Celestia was blushing with embarrassment and hiding her face with her wings, trying to hide her discomfort. “Please, Clean, I thought you would forget about that.”
Morning Dew, on the other hand, was loving my story. “Did he ever find out the secrets?”
“Hell, nah; he was a smart unicorn, but those elements were always a fickle bunch. He did find out that they were connected to a tree called the ‘Tree of Harmony’, but past that, he just made a shit-ton of new spells and even some that caused disaster after disaster. He made one spell that would give any pony wings for a short time.”
“How does that work?”
I lit up another cigarette, opened up one of the windows and pointed towards the sky. “If you flew too high, they would burst into flames. Not a very good idea, as it turns out.”
“Oh.” was the only thing the batmare could reply with.
“‘Oh’ indeed. But back to the subject at hand: Celestia, I don’t want you to go searching for more ponies.”
“But Clean-!”
“But nothing, Celestia. Fate works for a reason. The elements will find their rightful ponies, and everything will be alright. It's not good to tempt fate, and it will serve you well to remember that. Same to you, Dew.”
Both ponies were shocked, but Morning Dew spoke up first. “Clean, I don’t think I ever expected you to say something so… smart.”
“Well, that’s rude, but I can’t argue with that.” I flicked out my smoke and started walking around the room. “This world’s full of magic, you know that, but if theres something this world definitely has, it’s fate. Bad guys lose and the good guys win. That's how it will always be here for some reason, pretty boring if you ask me.”
“Well, I prefer it this way, makes my job easier.”
“To each their own Dew, to each their own.”
Silence filled the room, and Celestia broke it by clearing her throat. “Well, I suppose that's all we can do then. Captain Morning Dew, I would like you to keep an eye on those two and to get me a list of all the ponies who got their cutie marks on the same day that the sonic rainboom occurred, but do not try and interact with the fillies in anyway. Clean has a point, and I’d rather not tempt fate.”
I walked back over to Celestia and patted her on the head. “Good girl, Celestia. Who wants a treat?”
Celestia playfully slapped my hand off her head with her wing, “Don’t patronize your princess, Clean, or you’ll end up in shackles.”
“Oooh, kinky; guess that means no cake for you.” I said, walking over to one of her drawers and pulling out a slice of chocolate cake and a bottle of scotch.
“Clean, why are you hiding alcohol in my room?”
“The better question is, why AREN’T you hiding alcohol in your room?”
Both Celestia and Morning Dew just stared blankly at me.
I opened the bottle and started to drink; after a long swig, I formulated a response. “Jeez, tough crowd.”
“Aaaanyway,” Celestia said drawing out the ‘A,’ “Please go do that, Captain; I believe Clean and I have something we need to discuss.”
Morning Dew opened the door and started to walk out, outside we could hear one of the guards outside say to the other, “Ooooh, somepony’s in trouble.”
And with that, both the doors closed.
“So, Clean, what was it you wanted to discuss?”
And my nervousness returned. “Well, I kinda wanted to ask for a week off…”
Celestia’s ears folded back, “W-why would you do that?”
“Remember that mare from earlier today? I said I would help her with her fence.”
“B-but you can’t!”
I steeled my nerves and prepared to say my speech that I had planned all day. “Celestia, I’ve worked for you and with you for years. I’ve been to multiple schools, colleges, and universities to learn about you and your ponies. I’ve done nearly everything you’ve asked of me; even got multiple PhDs as you asked. Now I’m just asking for a week off.”
“Clean, I’m asking you as a friend, you don’t want to leave this week.”
“Celestia, if you don’t give me a reason, I’m going to leave anyway.”
“Clean… They told me not to tell you, since they wanted it to be a surprise…”
“Celestia, you know I hate the pronoun game, who is ‘they’?”
“Your foals sent me a letter; they wanted to surprise you for your birthday. They’re sending your grandfoals up to Canterlot. I’m sorry, I wanted to surprise you as well.”
I was shocked. So shocked I dropped my bottle.
“M-my grandfoals? My grandfoals are visiting?”
“Yes, Clean. They asked me not to tell you because they wanted it to be unexpected.”
I smiled. I smiled really hard. My smile threatened to break my face. That's when I let my feelings out.
“Oh, what kinda presents? I don’t know what they’re into anymore!”
“Clean, stop.”
“Unicorn and a pegasus, what could I get?!”
“Clean, it's your birthday, not theirs.”
“I could get a wizard outfit! No, that would be racist.”
“Clean, what?”
In the middle of the night, I, the lone human of Equestria was pacing in front of the lone queen of Equestria. Celestia was trying, unsuccessfully, to calm me down, but nothing was working. Then she had an idea.
I felt something wrap around my waist for a second. Then next thing I knew I had a pack of cigarettes pushed into my mouth. I sputtered from my rambling and spit the taste of cardboard and tobacco out of my mouth.
“Fuck, Celestia! You’re supposed to open it and take it out, not shove a fucking box in my mouth!”
“Well, it got you to stop, didn’t it?
“Shit, you’re right…”
“Haven’t you learned, Clean? I’m always right. Now calm down, it's your birthday, not theirs.”
I got up and dusted myself off. Picking up the pack, I cleaned it off, took another cig out, and put the pack away. I put it in my mouth and motioned to Celestia, “Got a light?”
The tip of the smoke caught fire for a second and I took a deep breath in. “Thanks, Celly; but yeah, what kind of grandfather would I be if I didn’t spoil my grandfoals? I don’t wanna be boring like you. Full offense.”
Celestia just brought her hoof up to her face and dragged it down making a very un-princessly sound. “I am not boring; I am a princess. I am the exact opposite of boring: I am amazing.”
I chuckled to myself, and walked over to the window to open it back up after it had been closed to keep me from pacing right out of it.
“And what's so funny, my little janitor?”
“You’d make a lot of stallions happy with the way you stroke your ego.”
This got under her skin, or fur in this case, because she ruffled her wings and blushed furiously. Which only caused me to laugh harder and for her to blush even harder. “After all these years, Clean, you still get me with your jokes. You are too brash and crude, it's a shock that anyone could like you.
After calming myself down I wiped a tear away and replied, “If I had to guess, I think it's my down-to-Equestria-ness that makes ponies love me. That and I’m cooler than you.”
After she gathered herself, she slapped me upside the head again with her wing, something that she loves to do. “Sure, sure. The janitor is cooler than the princess. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Now, let's talk about gifts since I know you’ll just try to get them and end up embarrassing yourself.”
“Yeah, I suppose you are right. I’ll admit it, but just this once!”
Celestia’s smile brightened and she nuzzled into my neck. “Oh, Clean, I just knew you would come to accept how much better I am.”
I pushed her away with both hands and flicked a piece of ash onto the end of her nose, causing her to sneeze it away and leave a small black smear on her snout.
“Gods’ sake Clean, it will take forever to get that smell out of my nose!”
“My bad, I haven’t the foggiest as to how that happened.” I said, feigning ignorance.
“Sure; well, maybe I won't help you now.”
I stopped my teasing and turned to bow to her. Getting on my hands and knees I knelt in front of Celestia.
“Oh, please, Kind and Graceful Princess of The Land. Lend me your strength and judgement to make two little fillies happy.”
“Well, since you asked so nicely… no.”
“N-nani?!”
“I jest; of course I will help you, but it will have to wait for tomorrow. It's late at night and we should both be heading to bed. Now, off with you; I have things I must attend to before I go to sleep.”
I got up and walked over to the door. “Alright; goodnight, Celly. Tomorrow you better take the day off so we can shop. Or else I’ll drag you out of the courtroom myself.”
“Of course, Clean. Goodnight, my little human.”
And with that, we both went to sleep.
-=- -=- -=-
“Good morning, Mister Clean!”
“And a good morning to you, little Blueblood; how are you this fine morning?”
Blueblood stopped in his tracks and looked up to me curiously. “Are you doing okay, Mister Clean?”
I picked him up and nuzzled him. In pony world, nuzzling is the same as a hug, which is really weird figuring ponies can hug normally without problems.
“Of course, Blue. I just found out my grandfoals are visiting. And what's up with the ‘Mister Clean?’ I thought you wanted to call me ‘Dad?’”
He looked down guiltily and I set him down. “Well… I kinda thought it would be weird to call you “dad”, when Auntie Celestia is my Aunt. So, what if I call you Uncle Clean instead?”
“Uncle Clean? I’ve never been an uncle before… Sure, of course you can call me uncle, little Blue.”
His guilty look was replaced with one of relief. “Thanks, Uncle Clean; I was really scared that you wouldn’t like it.”
“Of course I would love it Blue, I don’t care what you call me, ‘cus you’ll always be my little Blue.”
He giggled at that. “You’re starting to sound like Auntie Celestia now.”
I leaned back and draped my arm over my eyes, “Oh Lord! Surely I am not that old! Why, if I am, I may just turn into dust and clay!” I shouted dramatically, earning another fit of giggles from the small, white colt.
“You’re not that old! Well, you are, but you wouldn’t turn into dust! If Auntie is that old and still here, then you can be too!”
I stopped with my performance and leaned down to pat the colt on the noggin. “I can’t argue with that logic, now why don’t you head on to class?”
“But Uncle Clean, I don’t have class today! Its spring break!”
“Oh. Well, that explains something. Wanna go get breakfast?”
“Sure! But what does it explain?”
We both started walking to the dining hall, before I processed his question. “Oh, my grandfoals are coming to visit.”
Blueblood let out a long ‘Oooooh’ before looking back to me. “My bad, you just told me and I already forgot. Sorry, Uncle Clean.”
“Don’t worry about it Blue, my memory is practically non-existent too.”
-=- -=- -=-
The dining hall was rather empty as usual. There was only Celestia, Twilight, Cadance, and another white stallion sitting at the table. Twilight waved over to Blueblood, and he ran over. They both started excitedly talking about their spring plans and coming up with adventures.
I took my seat to Celestia, across from Princess Cadenza and the white stallion.
“So, Princess’, what's up with the whitey?”
“Clean! That is rude!” The small, pink alicorn spoke up first.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. ‘Sup Shine.” I said holding out my fist.
The white unicorn responded with a hoof of his own. “‘Sup bro, good morn’ I suppose.”
Celestia and Cadenza both gawked at us.
“What?” “What?” we both responded.
“Since when do you know each other?” Cadance said, putting her front hooves on the table and standing up, causing the cutlery to clink.
“Calm down there, Cadenza.”
She stomped her hooves on the table again, “And it’s CADANCE, not Cadenza!”
“Sure, bubblegum pone, whatever you say. And to the first question, I know all recruits in the army. What kinda person would I be if I didn’t know everypony whom I have to clean after? Have you seen the guards’ quarters?”
“Clean, please don’t do it.”
I point over to Shining Armor, “I know everypony here, I’ve had to clean up those damn guards’ quarters so many times. Did you know that they’re messier than a bunch of teenagers at a frat party? They can’t even put their dirty mags away. I know pretty much every fetish and every kink each guard has. And I know yours too, Shiny; you haven’t even been here more than a month and I know you better than your parents do.”
All the ponies at the table stopped and blushed, except for Twilight and Blueblood.
“What’s a ‘dirty mag,’ Mister Clean?” The purple one asked.
“And what's a ‘fetish’?” the colt asked next.
“What’re his kinks?” the larger pink one inquired.
And all the faces turned to the princess of love, whose face turned an even darker pink. Pinker than I previously thought possible.
“First off, Blueblood and Twilight: Ask me when you're older. And for you, Cadence: No. Just… no.”
Cadence brightens up more at me using her name, but blushes more and sits back into her seat after looking around the room and seeing everypony looking at her.
A waitress walks up to us and breaks the silence to ask us for our orders. I get a plate of eggs, toast, and grits. Both Twilight and Blueblood get muffins. Not just one, they both got three muffins each, with different flavors. And lastly Shining and Cadence got a plate of eggs and beans as well.
“Feelin’ British today, are we?”
Both ponies look at me ludicrously, an unspoken question evident on their faces while Celestia lets out a light giggle behind her coffee.
“Just forget it, the joke would be lost on you two.”
Both ponies just shrug and go back to eating their respective breakfasts.
Breakfast continued as normal.
-=- -=- -=-
After breakfast, Shining Armor pulled me aside.
“If you ever...EVER tell Cadence what you saw. I will do terrible things… ”
I crouched down to him and looked him in the eye. “And what kind of terrible things could you do that I haven’t already seen and experienced?”
He started to sweat profusely and look scared. Glancing from side to side to keep from looking me in the eyes. “I-I I’ll d-dirty your floors!”
I grabbed him by the horn and pulled him up to my size, forcing him to stand on his back hooves. “I love you, Shining, but if you dare dirty my floors… I’ll find you… and you’ll regret being born.” I then dropped him, making him fall onto his flank and back up from me.
I followed him as he backed up. “SALUTE!”
He jumped onto his hooves and brought his front right hoof up to his forehead in an automatic response. “Sir! Yes, sir!”
I moved to pat him on his head and turned away from him. “Don’t dirty my floors, am I understood?”
“Sir! Yes, sir!” His shaken voice replied
“Good, and I don’t plan on telling Cadence, I can tell you’ve got the hots for her, and trust me, I don’t plan on ruining that.”
He relaxed upon hearing this, and put his hoof down. “Thank you, Clean. Sorry about threatening you, I was just scared that you would tell her… ”
“Its cool Shine, now go do guard stuff, or whatever it is you do.”
We both parted ways and I started my search for Celestia.
“Interesting way of handling that, Clean. Not the most elegant, but definitely efficient.”
“Thanks, Celly; I do try to impress. Now follow me, it's time to shop!”
And with that, I lit a smoke up, and walked out of the castle, with the lone princess of the land tailing me from behind.
Lesson Five - Safety first. Always have a spare hardhat.
We exited the castle with little difficulty. When you’re being followed by the Princess of the Day, a lot of ponies tend to let you go where you want.
“So, Celestia, do you plan on ‘tail’-gating me the entire trip, or do I have to hold your wing?”
Celestia huffed and trotted up to follow beside me.
“I don’t know why you must make fun of me; I was simply letting you take the lead… And your joke was unfunny.”
I flicked my zippo lighter open and spun it around my fingers as we walked. It helped me calm and it always seemed to capture the attention of nearby ponies. Probably because they don’t have fingers.
“All of my jokes are funny, you just lack the maturity to understand them.”
“Ah, yes: I, the borderline immortal goddess of the sun, am too immature to understand.”
I patted her on the back, “Now you’re learning, but we’ve got work to do. Wanna help?”
She bowed her head in acceptance, “I know I said I would help you, but would you please not torture me? I still have afternoon court.”
“Not if I have anything to say about it, now come on! We’ve got shopping to do!”
-=- -=- -=-
“So, what are you planning on buying, Clean?”
“Well, we have two fillies. Ones a unicorn, while the other’s a pegasus.”
“Yes, I already know this. You do realize I’ve seen them before, don’t you?”
I flicked Celestia across the nose. “Of course I know that, this is just a refresher course. So the pegasus has a love for flying. What’d you say we get her an airbag?”
“An airbag?”
“Yeah, and airbag! It's a bag pegasi use when they fly. It's got some kinda magic that lets the pegasi fly without causing any drag. Lets them carry some stuff and still fly easily.”
“Oh, I had not heard of these things, would she really like it?”
“Yeah, Tia: you probably haven’t heard of it cus you don’t fly!” I pinched her rump for emphasis. “See that? It’s like a bowl of jell-o!”
Celestia let out a whinny and reared onto her back legs. With a loud ‘clop’ she dropped back down and blushed furiously, glancing back and forth to see if anypony saw. Unfortunately for her, we were in the middle of the road, so quite a few ponies did.
“You gotta problem, ponies? Yeah, your princess is weird, so what? Now scatter!”
With a couple mumbles and second glances the ponies dispersed. Celestia thanked me by smacking me with her wing.
“Ow! What the hell was that for!”
“For calling me fat, and for pinching me, you know I don’t like that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure thing, Stay Puft. Let’s just go then; there's a good store nearby that has some pretty good bags.”
We walked down the street until we stood in front of a two-story, brick storefront. Grass and moss grew from the cracks between the sidewalk and the bricks. The building had an aged feel to it, like it had been there longer than Canterlot. That was silly of course, but the feeling alone made me excited.
I loved old buildings; it's a guilty pleasure of mine. I used to love going through dilapidated homes, businesses, and factories.
I opened the door and invited Celestia to move first, “After you m’highness.”
“Ah, so you do have some manners; good to see there is a man under that shell of smoke and alcohol.”
“Ooooh, damn Celestia. Pulling out all your zingers today, aren’t you? Whatever, just get inside before I kick you inside.”
Once we were both in the building I tried to take a good look at everything. Littering the walls were countless finished bags, all of varying colors, sizes, and shapes. There was a small glass counter in the back of the room with a wall of fabrics behind it. Inside the counter were multiple gems. Some were dark blue, while others were a deep red. I already had an idea about what I was going to buy, so I rang the bell that sat upon the desk.
From the back of the store, Celestia and I heard the sound of something getting up with a loud grunt, then the sound of hooves clopping slowly across a wood floor. Coming from a door that I somehow missed, was a clearly very old unicorn mare. She had a dark gray coat and a graying-white mane. Her cutie mark was a needle, thread, and a small bag with a gem on it. She was good at making magical bags.
When she saw Celestia she started to bow with creaking joints and bones. Before she could bow all the way, she saw me and brightened up. With a speed that a mare her age shouldn’t have, she scooped me into a hug.
“Clean! Oh, it's so good to see you again little one! How long has it been since you came to visit my store? I had begun to think you had forgotten about me.”
“First off, you’re younger and shorter than me. So you’re the little one. Second, I just visited you last week.”
“Oh, dearie, you know when you get to my age you forget; now give Granny Sew a hug.”
I picked up the gray mare and hugged her tightly. I might have hugged her a bit hard, because when I grabbed her there was a series of loud pops and cracks, but she didn’t even flinch.
I set her down, and turned to Celestia, “So, I’m sure you’re wondering what exactly is going on. This is Marrie Sew, but everyone calls her Granny Sew.”
“Pleased to meet you, Granny Sew.”
Granny Sew bowed to Celestia, “No, princess, the pleasure is all mine. Now, what did you two come in for today? Does the princess wish for one of my special, hoof-made bags?”
I stepped in before Celestia could say anything, “Actually, I was wanting to get a bag for my granddaughter. She’s a pegasus and I feel she would love it if I got her something special.”
“Oh dearie, are you getting old? Her birthday isn’t for another few months. It's not like you to just forget like that.”
“Yeah, but they’re coming to visit, so I wanted to get them something special.”
“Ohhh, thats so nice of you! Come, come. Let’s make her something nice to keep.”
And with that we started to browse.
“So, Granny Sew, how did you come to meet Clean?”
“What a great story that is, Princess! A story full of adventure, love, romance, and saucy fun… ”
“I ran into her while trying finding a place that sells scarves and beanies.”
Celestia looked at me with a face of bewilderment. After trying multiple times to form a sentence, she was able to utter out, “Since when do you use scarves, let alone beanies? You always wear that one piece and a hat.”
Taking my hat off and looping it around my belt, I pulled out a large blue beanie and put it on my head.
“Well, Celestia, I actually used to love beanies and scarves back home. I just don’t wear them very often.”
Celestia looked at my beanie, poking it slightly to see if it was real.
“Yup, Celestia, it is real. Now, would you mind not putting stories in Celestia’s head, Granny? She’s prone to being gullible.”
“C’mon, Clean. You’re no fun.” Pouted the gray mare.
“Clean, I am not gullible; it's just that when it comes to you, I don’t know what to believe…”
“Alright, fun story time’s over. Granny, I just thought of a better idea. I’m gonna want two bags custom made. I got the gold, you got the skills.”
“Of course, dearie, but you know you don’t need gold with me. You can always pay in other ways… ”
I flicked her on the nose and wagged my finger. “No. That’s a bad granny. You know better than to flirt with the customers. Now look at these fabrics.”
We started to go through the fabrics and designs. I chose a dark gray for the pegasus and a dark blue for the unicorn. Celestia just stood back and looked around the store, not bothering, or just not sure how to help.
“Alright, Granny; we got the fabrics, now let's talk magic. I want both to have a holding spell, allowing them to hold a lot more than they should. But the gray one should also have a wind spell so that she doesn’t have any air resistance while wearing it.”
Granny looked over the cloths and it was clear she was formulating a plan. “And what kind of gems would you like?”
I pointed to two different gems inside the glass desk. “I would like a yellow one to go with the gray one. It matches her color scheme, and I would like a light blue one for the dark blue bag.”
“An astute choice, Clean. And what kind of designs would you be interested in?”
“Well, I want the pegasus to get a messenger bag, but I’m not sure about the unicorn. Hey, Celestia, can you come help up for a moment?”
Celestia woke up out of her trance and trotted over. “What could I help you with, Clean?”
“Alright, so check this out: I need an idea on how to design this bag. Its for the unicorn filly, and I would like some input on it.”
“What did you choose for the pegasus?”
“A simple messenger bag design,” I said holding up the paper that had our designs drawn on it.
“Then why don’t you just make another messenger bag?”
“Because then it would feel like I put no effort in choosing, and I want them both to feel special.”
“Thats so sweet, Clean; I’d love to help. How about a nice pair of saddle bags?”
“Saddle… bags?” I looked at the piece of paper and drew a simple design for a saddle bag. “Why didn’t I think of that..? ”
“See, Clean, this is exactly why you need me around.”
“Sure, sure, Celestia. Now, Granny, I want these two bags with the gems, how much should I expect to pay?”
“Hmmmm…” Granny hummed, looking over the designs, fabrics, and gems. “For these two, I’d say 600 Gold.”
“600? You’re bleeding my wallet, Granny. Hows about we strike a deal? I’ll pay 450, and I’ll bring the fillies in to visit.”
“Deal!” Granny said without a moment of hesitation. “Now give me an hour or two and I’ll have these done. Go eat or something, come back later.”
“Alright granny, I’ll go do exactly that. C’mon Celestia, let’s go eat. I know a good griffon place that sells meat.”
Celestia grimaced, but complied. “Alright, Clean. Let's go eat and get this done.”
Celestia and I walked into the shop and the smell of salted meats burned into our noses. It was a pleasant feeling me to, but Celestia didn’t feel the same.
“Clean, tell me again why we went to ‘Griffith’s Gallery’?”
“Because I love this place, Griffith makes the best jerkies and steaks.”
Celestia grimaced at the mention of jerky, she’s never been a fan of meat herself, but she especially hated jerky. Years ago I had tried to convince her to try meat, and I used peppered jerky to entice her. She eventually caved in and had a piece. Unfortunately, since her teeth are flat, a piece of jerky got caught in her teeth and she had to deal with a piece of meat stuck in her mouth all day. Since then she’s hated jerky.
As I was describing my love for meats, a griffith came up from around the corner.
“Was that Clean I heard?”
The griffith had a distinctive female voice. Her feathers were an ash gray, with a slight purple sheen on her chest.
“The one and only! And how's my favorite birdie?”
The griffon grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me down to her level.
“You can only call me birdie when you make me squawk like a bird.”
I had grown used to mares hitting on me, especially since I’m so close to Celestia. Getting in my pants meant closer to the princess. It was when they did it without trying to go up society, doing it specifically cus they like me, that I usually responded.
I spun my hand around out of the griffons grip and wrapped my own hand around her wrist and pulled her, making her stand on her hind legs.
“I came here to buy meats, not give meats.”
Admittedly not my best line, but I’ve had worse.
At first she merely blushed, her and Celestia both, then she started to giggle. After giggling for a few seconds, it snowballed into furious laughter. I joined in, it might actually have been my worst pickup line.
Celestia just stood behind us feeling awkward, she didn’t even know why we were laughing.
“Clean, it's honestly no wonder why you haven’t had a hen or mare in your pants.”
“Hey, I’ve had better zingers, today’s just taking it out of me. And, and I’m here to eat.”
She finally noticed Celestia behind me and quickly bowed, nearly planting her beak into the floor.
“My apologies Princess! I didn’t see you or I would have been more respectful.”
Celestia immediately snapped into princess mode, standing up straight and using her ‘motherly’ voice.
“No need my little griffon, any friend of Clean’s is a friend of mine.” Then her voice took a more normal tone, “Though I must ask why he has so many female friends, but never a lover.”
“It's easy Princess, Clean just isn’t smooth enough to land a date, but that's why so many people love him.”
“Alright ladies, you can gossip after I get some food. Don’t forget we only have two hours to relax, and I’ve got shit to do.”
-=- -=- -=-
“Here are the menus, though I doubt you need it Clean.”
“Probably not, this is the smoking section, right?”
“Clean, you’re the only one in Canterlot that smokes, you’ll be fine.”
Celestia and I were given a nice corner booth. The seats were surprisingly accommodating, instead of being cushions on the floor the seats were real seats.
“Excuse me, I hate to sound rude, but Clean never mentioned your name.” Celestia spoke up before the griffon could leave.
“My apologies princess, my name is Griffith, though Clean likes to call me Fith.”
“It is a pleasure to meet you Griffith, and Clean always has been one to make horrible nicknames for ponies. I guess griffons are no different.”
“You guessed right Tia, it's better than calling everyone ‘sport’ or ‘buddy,’ plus, it helps me remember names. Enough talking though, we want food and you want bits.”
“Have you two decided on anything yet?”
I looked over to Celestia and saw that she hasn’t even opened her menu.
“Not yet, but can you get me some potato skins? Half with bacon, half without.”
“Of course Clean, any other appetisers? Drinks?”
“I would like a water, with lemon if you please.” Celestia spoke up.
“And for you, Clean?”
“Give me a sweet tea. And bring another too, you make the best tea and I just suck that sweet nectar down.”
Celestia and Griffith ignored my innuendo, or they just didn’t catch it.
“Alright, two teas and one lemon water. I’ll be back with your drinks and appetizer while you two think.”
“Thanks love” - “Thank you Miss Griffith.”
Celestia and I both started to look through the menu, I already had an idea on what I was gonna get, but I looked through the menu looking for a good meal for Celestia. I set my menu down and turned it to be facing her. She craned her head around her own menu and I started to point stuff out.
“If you want some potato based lunches, I recommend the garlic mashed potatoes or just getting more potatoes skins. If you’re in the mood for pasta, Griffith makes a mean meatless lasagna and an even meaner pasta alfredo.”
She looked over the menu, trying to decide one something that would peak her interest. “I think I know what I’m going to get, thank you Clean. I can always count on you to help me.”
“It's what I’m here for Princess, now we just play the waiting game.”
I leaned back into my seat and pulled out a smoke. Might as well have one while we wait, it would take a few minutes for our appetizer and the drinks would be here soon.
“Hey, Celestia, mind using that experimental spell?”
“What spell?”
“You know the-” I waved my smoke around trying think of the words. “-the no smell spell?”
Years ago, Celestia had come up with a rather inconvenient spell. It removes the smell and effects of smoke, but only if used before I light it. Also Celestia was the only one to cast the spell. I have no idea why, but no other unicorn has been able to pull it off, and I’m usually too lazy to find Celestia, and too impatient to wait for her to cast it. Also I’m a dick.
After she cast the spell on the little cancer stick, I lit it up and pulled out a small ashtray. Griffith chose this time to appear with our drinks.
“Here are your drinks, and your potatoes will be out soon. Now have you two made any decisions?”
I pointed to myself, “Yeah, I’d like a steak and eggs combo.” Then I pointed to Celestia.
“And I will have the garlic mashed potatoes and a pasta alfredo.”’
“Good choices, and I’ll get those started immediately.”
I caught Griffith before she could walk away, “Hey, Fith, you wouldn’t happen to have any jerky made, would you?”
A sly smile graced her beak, an action that I always thought impossible. “Maybe I do, and what will you be willing to do for it?”
“Feeling really Frisky today, aren’t you. Better not be a heat coming up, or I’ll be bouncing town. I’ve got the bits you got the meat. I want to buy a metric fuck-ton of jerky. Like, a lot of jerky.”
“I’ve got exactly what you want, I’ve got a whole bag full of jerky waiting for you. I figured you would stop by sooner or later, so I had a fresh batch waiting for you.”
“Thanks Fith, you always know how to spoil me.”
“Anytime Clean, now let me make your lunch or you’ll be stuck waiting.”
I got comfortable in my chair again and looked over to Celestia who was blankly looking down at the table. I reached up and booped her on her nose.
“Tia, whats wrong?”
“Nothing Clean, just thinking.”
I reached up and started to stroke the side of her face. “Tia, you know you can’t lie to me. We’ve been together for so long, you know you can’t fool me.”
She started to tear up, and her voice got shaky. “It's just, its getting hard, Clean. It's been so long since I’ve had a break like this. I’m all alone, you’re the only one who can truly understand me.”
I kept stroking her as she laid her head down on the table trying to make herself look as little as possible. We were the only two in the place, but she was still uncomfortable being emotional in public.
“Look, Tia, how about when we get done today, you skip afternoon court. Just tell them that you’re not doing it today, then we’ll go back to your room. I’ll give you a massage and you can tell be your worries.”
“Clean, you know I can’t just cancel afternoon court.”
I slammed my fist down on the counter, causing our drinks and cutlery to clatter. “Celestia, you are THE Princess! YOU make the rules! If I have to tell every damn guard and every fucking pony in Canterlot to fuck off I will. You’re taking today off and that's final.”
Celestia looked up at me, tears trailing down the sides of her face. Then, with a sniffle, she raised her head and let out a small laugh. I grabbed a napkin and started to dab at her eyes to wipe the tears away.
“Clean, you truly do know how to take care of a Princess.”
I would never admit it, not even at gunpoint, but my eyes started to water up as well.
“No Celestia, I know how to take care of my friends.”
After our little emotional episode, Celestia calmed down and I sucked down a class of tea and smoked down a couple more smokes to calm myself down.
Griffith eventually arrived with our potatoes and told us that our food would be done momentarily. Instead of sticking around to chat, she noticed the thick atmosphere and decided it was best to leave us both alone. We ate our appetizer in silence and quietly waited for our meal.
When our meal arrived, Griffith also had a large cloth bag. “Here is your jerky as well Clean, I expect the bag cleaned and returned soon.”
“You got it Fith, I’ll have it back soon.”
And with that we ate our lunch in silence. I always hated awkward silences, so I broke it.
“You know Celestia, I think you’re bridled with too much responsibility. “
Celestia, who was taking a sip at the time, started to cough. I caught her just as she was taking a sip and she was stuck between laughing and coughing.
“You know, I wasn’t originally planning a vacation. It was actually a spur of the moment decision.”
Now she was actively coughing and laughing. I knew I only needed one more perfect joke to clear the air.
“You okay there Celestia? You don’t sound too stable.”
Finally we were both smiling, albeit Celestia was still lightly coughing, trying to clear her throat. The previous ordeal completely forgotten.
“Griffith! We’re ready for the check! How much do we owe you?”
Griffith, who was quietly watching from the other side of the restaurant, came over and set a piece of paper in front of us. It simply said:
20 - Lunch
60 - Jerky
Total: 80 bits
Griffith <3
Underneath the simple math she had scrawled onto the paper was her fancy signature with a little heart drawn beside it.
“80 bits? Aight, that sounds fair enough.” I reached into my pockets and pulled out 90 bits, and dropped them into her outstretched claws.
She counted them quickly and dropped them into a bag she had been holding.
“Alright Tia, you ready to head out?”
“Yes I am Clean, don’t forget your bag.”
I looked back at the seat and realized I had almost left the bag of jerky that I wanted. I picked it up, slung it over my shoulder, and beckoned Celestia to follow me.
“Bye Clean! Bye Princess! Come back and visit more often.”
Celestia and I said our goodbyes to the griffon and left the store.
“So Celestia, we still have a little over half an hour to wait. Anything you wanna do?”
She rubbed her chin with her hoof in thought. An act that was very awkward to see on a horse.
“How about we just head back to the store. My belly is quite full and I would like to sit down for a bit.”
“Fair enough Princess, let's go then. I don’t want to have to carry you ‘cus you got too tired to walk.”
-=- -=- -=-
I opened the door for the Princess yet again and let her in first. Walking inside behind her and gently closing the door, we both found Granny Sew whittling away at a gem in her magical grip.
She looked up when we both were in the story. “Oh! You two are back early. Luckily for you I have both bags done! I’m in the process of enchanting this gem, so just give me a minute and I’ll get your bags.”
Celestia found a seat along one of the walls and sat down to wait. I decided to look around. Her shop always excited me. I loved the bags she had. One bag in particular peaked my interest. It was a nice, obsidian black messenger bag. It had gold clasps and would easily fit around my shoulder. I picked it up and inspected it.
“Hey, Granny, how much for this bag?”
She looked up from the gem and glanced over to the bag in my hand.
“Keep it Clean, that bags been there for months and nopony’s taken it.”
I wrapped the bag around my free shoulder and walked up to the counter. “Why hasn’t anypony bought it?”
Without looking up from the gem, she pointed at the bag. “Look at the color, everypony is afraid that the dark bag will bring bad luck or something. Ponies are just skittish of everything. We can’t help it.”
“Alright, well thanks again Granny. I’ll pay you back somehow.”
She waved me off, again not looking away from the gem. “Nonsense Clean, you pay me back every time you stop and visit me. Now stop bothering me, I’m almost done with this gem.”
I walked over to Celestia and showed her the bag. She quite liked the dark look of it and admitted that it would go well if I decided to wear a suit.
Within a few minutes, Granny Sew finished the gem and pulled two bags from the other room with her magic.
“Thanks Granny, I’ll be seeing you later.”
“Of course Clean, be sure to bring the fillies in! I want to see how they look in their new bags.”
“Goodbye Miss Sue, I’ll be sure to make Clean visit.”
Celestia and I made our way back to the castle. Celestia tried to break off and head to the throne room, but I grabbed her by her ethereal hair.
“Celestia, what did I say about court today. Go to your room, I’ll take care of this.”
She pouted but did as I told, slowly trotting to the staircase leading to her room.
Walking into the throne room, I was greeted by a long line of ponies. Some waved and greeted me as I walked in, while others started to murmur as to why the human was here instead of their princess.
“Alright everypony. I’ve got some news. I told Celestia to take the day off, so you can all go home.”
Groans emanated from the crowd, some ponies complained that they waited all day just to talk with the princess.
“If anypony’s got a problem with that, they can bring it up to me!”
Nopony said anything, and many started to file out of the throne room. Some ponies that I knew me trotted up and expressed concern for the princess.
“Don’t worry guys, she’s just not feeling too good right now. I’m gonna go up and take care of her, so don’t worry. Clean’s on the job.”
With that everypony left and I made my way upstairs to Celestia’s room.
“Are you sure sir? This isn’t something you can take back.”
“I know what I’m doing. This isn’t a spur decision or anything, I’ve had this planned for a while.”
“Alright... Well, since you’re so sure I just need you to fill out this form.”
“Aight, give it here then.”
I looked over the form. It was covered in pages upon pages of legal mumbo jumbo. On some pages there were blank lines with an ‘X’ by them. I signed my name in the lines and skipped through the pages.
After filling out all my information I handed the papers back to the mare behind the counter. Her hair was a dull gray, and her mane was a somehow even duller gray. She radiated boredom. She adjusted the large framed glasses hanging on the edge of her nose.
She shifted through the papers as well, making sure that they were all signed properly. After a minute of her searching for any mistakes she sighed and tapped the papers against the desk to straighten them out.
“Okay, Clean, I know you’ve come here occasionally look and decide, but are you sure you want to do this? This isn’t something you can take back, and especially with those two.”
I held my hand up, stopping her. “I’m only going to say this one more time. I know what I’m doing. I know they’re not sisters, and I’m not letting them get separated. There is a saying from my world, ‘The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.’ Now tell me, do you know what that means?”
The mare rolled her eyes at me, “No Clean, I don’t know what your quotes mean. And I don’t think it matters, does it?”
“It does to me. It means that that bonds made with blood are stronger than bonds of born siblings. Of course it doesn’t apply to them literally, but I feel it's a good enough reason for me. Now let's get this over with. I’ve still got stuff to do today.”
She huffed and got out of her seat. Walking over to the door, she opened it and motioned for me to follow her. I got out of my own chair and followed behind her. We walked through the large building. Standing in front of a large door, even for me, she told me to wait outside. She left me outside the door in the empty hall.
I leaned against the wall and pulled out one of my cigarettes before deciding it probably wasn’t best to do this in this place of all places. I looked around the room. It looked like a place I was all too familiar with. I shook the chill away that went down my back and pushed myself away from the wall. I looked down at the pack in my hand, trying to focus on anything but my memories.
I put the pack back into my pocket and began to pace back and forth. I heard the clopping of three sets of hooves. I stopped pacing and faced the large door waiting for it to open.
The door opened to the gray mare being followed my two fillies. Both fillies recognized me immediately and they ran to me, latching onto my legs.
“Mr.Clean! I knew you’d come for us!” “Mr.Clean! You actually did come!”
I crouched down and rubbed the manes of the two fillies latched onto my legs. “Yeah, yeah, enough mopey stuff. I’m sure y’all are ready to get outta here. I am too, no offense miss.”
“None taken, just get out of here before you embarrass yourself more.”
I waved bye to her, with two fillies wrapped around my legs, toting little bags and giggling.
“Dearie Doo, Lovie Lulamoon, you little rapscallions, it's time for us to go home.”
They both responded with ‘yaas!’ of their owns and latched on tighter.
“Alright you two, say goodbye and get off. We got shit to buy before we go.”
They both let go and ran to her, hugging her tightly. With a heartfelt goodbye from them (and a reluctant, yet apparent goodbye from her) they both ran back into place beside me and followed. We walked outside into the midday sun.
I looked down at the two fillies beside me. Dearie Doo, a Yellow pegasus with gray hair, and Lovie Lulamoon, a light blue unicorn with purple hair. They looked around innocently and ready to leave the place behind. I felt the same, so I picked them both up and held them tightly.
“Alright you two, we’ve got some shopping to do. Whats say we get you some presents?”
The fillies in my arms wrapped their hooves around my neck and screamed into my ear.
“Thanks Dad!”
-=- -=- -=-
“GRANDPA!”
Walking into Celestia’s room, I am immediately knocked to my ass. My chest hurts from what feels like a cannonball blasting into my sternum. Both of the guards besides Celestia’s room are stifling their laughs. Trying to act professional, but failing.
Looking down at my chest, a bundle of fur and feathers is latched onto me. The bundle then moves to look up at me. I’m greeted by a pair of golden eyes looking up.
I feel a smile pull at my face and I wrap my arms at the adorable bundle.
“Derpy! Girl, it's been forever since you’ve visited! Do you not love your grandfather anymore?”
Derpy looks up at me offended. She boops me in the nose and replies, “Of course I love you paw-paw. You just don’t visit me! Maybe its me you don't love.” And she starts pouting.
I stand up, arms still around the filly stuck to my chest. “You know I love you, but I thought you were coming tomorrow, not today?”
I walked back into the room and the guards closed the door behind me. Sitting on her bed was Celestia herself, with another bundle of fur beside her.
“Hello Clean, I suppose this was a pleasant surprise, wasn’t it?”
“Damn right Celestia, I’m surprised beyond belief.”
“Good I’m glad,” Celestia said before lightly pushing another filly with her wing.
“And Trixie is here too? Come here and give your grandpa a hug.”
With a sign, my blue grandfoal walked up and put a single hoof around my leg.
“Now that won’t do, c’mere.” I said before I picked her up and held her. An achievement, figuring I already had a filly in my arms.
“No Clean, I’m too old for hugs!”
I only hugged her tighter, “Nopony is too old for hugs! And that's Grandpappy to you! But I’ll accept Grandpa Clean as well.”
“Yeah Trixie! And grandpa give the best hugs! Next to mommy and daddy of course!”
Trixie tried to push herself off of me, but the power of a grandfather is stronger than anything. Eventually she gave in and went limp in my arms. I set them both down and looked down at them.
Derpy Doo, daughter of Dearie doo, and Trixie Lulamoon, daughter of Lovie Lulamoon. My grandfoals.
Derpy was always loving, a real hugger. She was a fast flyer too! Top of her class. A gray filly with yellow eyes and a yellow mane.
Trixie was smart for her age, but she had a bit of a temper. She also had a knack for performing, she could wow a crowd like it was no one's business. Looking down at her blue mane and coat, I could tell she looked exactly like her mother.
“So, I've got something for you two! Celestia, if you would kindly?”
Celestia’s horn lit up a bright gold and she pulled two bags out of the corner of the room with her magic. She floated the bags in front of the fillies.
Derpy immediately jumped into her bag. Literally. She just jumped right in. After a couple seconds she jumped out holding her messenger bag in her mouth.
“Fanks Grampftpa!” she said, voice being muffled by the bag. She put it on and flew into the air to see how it felt.
“I got that specially made, it removes air resistance and its a bag of holding, so you can put more stuff in. “
Derpy, mid flight, closed her wings and plummeted down to me. Again she smashed into me causing me to fall over.
“Thank you so much grandpa! I love it and I love you!”
Celestia and I chuckled at the filly's antics.
I looked over to Trixie, “Well? You gonna open your present?”
She looked at me and simply pushed it away. “I don't need something from you, I'm too old for presents.”
I sat there, confused. Before I could speak, Celestia spoke up, “Trixie Lulamoon! That is no way to speak to your grandfather!”
Trixie stuck her tongue out at Celestia and went to walk out of the room. I always took pride in making my family treat Celestia like she was a regular pony, as well as part of our family, but this was too far. As she tried to walk past me I grabbed her around her midsection and held her up and put Derpy down.
Holding her with two hands now I carried her over to Celestia. She tried to wiggle out of my grip, but I was holding onto her. I held her in front of Celestia.
“Apologize.”
She tried to wiggle out of my grip again before saying, “Let go Clean! I'm not apologizing to anypony! You're not even my real grandfather!”
That hurt. That hurt more than I'll be willing to admit. I gently set her down. And crouched down to her.
“Trixie, this isn't how you usually act. What's wrong sweetie?”
She stuck her tongue out again, but I pinched it with my fingers like I would a dog. I used my best stern voice I had. I hated to use it, but I'm not letting anyone in my family act like that.
“Trixie, I'm going to let go, but when I do, you're going to tell me what's wrong, and you're going to apologize. Do I make myself clear?”
Her eyes were bugged out and she nodded her head vigorously. I let go and kept staring down at her.
She stood there for a second before she started to dig her hoof into the floor and look guilty down.
“I'm sorry grandpa, I don't know why, I've just been feeling angry all the time.”
I patted her on the head, tousling her light blue mane.
“Trixie, it's fine to be mad, but you can't let your anger out on your family.”
She kept digging her hoof into the floor and started to sniffle. Derpy came up and put her hoof around her cousin.
“I-I'm sorry grandpa. I didn't mean to deny your present, I just felt like you were patronizing me. A-and I'm sorry too grandma, I'm sorry I was so rude to you.”
Celestia scooped up Derpy and Trixie and held her in her swan-like wings, rubbing against them both.
“It's okay Trixie, I know it must be hard for you right now, but you're mad because you're going through puberty. You're body is going through changes, but I'll tell you more when it's private.”
Trixie hugged Celestia back, “Thanks grandma.”
Celestia set the two of them and pushed the bag in front of Trixie with her magic.
“Now I believe you have a present to open.”
Trixie used her magic to open the bag and looked inside before smiling widely and pulled out her saddlebags.
“Thanks grandma! I was needing new bags cus my last ones were getting old. How did you know?”
“Don't thank me, thank your grandfather. He's the one who bought them.”
She ran up to me and I picked her up and hugged her.
“Thanks grandpa, I'm sorry I was mad at you.”
“It's okay sweetie, you couldn't help it. Now let me help you put it on.”
I set her down and strapped the bag around her back before tightening it.
“Well, how do you like it?”
She looked at it and spun in a circle. “I love it!”
“I'm glad you do, now let's go get something to eat, I'm starving.”
“Yaaaaay!” both fillies said racing each other out of the room.
Celestia trotted up to me and bumped against me. “Why Clean, it's so strange to see you sho happy. If I didn't know better I'd say you were some other human.”
“Don't get used to it Tia, it's just cus those two are there.” I responded before taking a cigarette out and lighting it, letting a puff of smoke out.
“Now that's the Clean I know. Let's hurry, I don't those two eating the cake before I can.”
“Sure thing ‘grandma,’ don't want you losing a single slice of cake.”
Almost a week has passed since my grandfoals came to visit. Both Derpy and Trixie have been following me around like lost puppies, they were about as adorable too. The first night they both slept in my bed with me. They were so cute, cuddled up under the covers. Just looking at them reminded me of their mothers. It made me feel like a dad again.
The second day we were there I took them to see Granny Sue. She gushed over the both of them and gave sloppy kisses on their foreheads. She also spoiled them both with bags of candy, candy that I had to hold onto, since they both started to gorge themselves on the sweet delicacies.
Then, of course, we went to visit Griffith. Griffith absolutely loved the two of them. Of course, growing fillies shouldn’t eat meat, so instead she made them red velvet cake. Honestly, I was kinda jealous. I’ve always loved red velvet cake, so I may have stolen a quick bite or two when they weren’t looking.
After a long day of visiting old friends and walking them around Canterlot to try and get some energy out, we decided to turn in for the day and head back to the castle. Derpy and Trixie both only had two more days with me, excluding today, and I had big plans for the last two days.
Walking up the castle, the guards at the front gate stopped me.
“Clean, have you been gone all day?”
“Uhm, yes? I’ve been walking these two around all day.” I said motioning to the two smiling fillies behind me.
“Alright, well I need to warn you. There was a suspicious pony earlier today. Reports say that she was asking around for you. I’d say be careful. We couldn’t remove her because she wasn’t technically doing anything wrong, but be careful.”
“You got it lil’ dude. If anything happens, I’ll be sure to run away screaming.”
“Of course sir. Oh, and be careful not to tell Morning Dew if you see her. Usually I don’t like keeping fellow guards out of the loop, but you know how she is when it comes to your safety.”
“Aight, well… Can we go in?” “Of course Clean.”
And with that, he motion the other guard to move and they cleared the path. Both guards saluted to me as I walked past. I looked behind me to make sure Derpy and Trixie were following me, to see them trying to salute as well. They couldn’t get their hooves to stay up long, but it was adorable nonetheless.
“C’mon you two, you can join the Royal Guard when you’re older.”
“Okay grandpa!” They both said falling back into line beside me.
-=- -=- -=-
Derpy, Trixie, and I were were walking to the Celestia’s throne room to see if she wished to go eat with us. All three of us were greeted by the maids, guards, and anypony that walked by.
“CLEEAAAAN”
“Oh for fu-” I said, before being utterly decimated by a bundle of fur and feathers.
Pushing myself off the ground, I found myself sporting a new backpack.
“Hello Clean! I just woke up, and your face is the first one I see! Tonight's gonna be a good night, I know it!”
I reached behind me, grabbing by new backpack’s tail, pulling her off, and holding her upside down. She folded her forehooves into her chest and smiled.
“Morning Dew, if you keep hopping on my back, you’re going to break it.”
“Okaaay~!” She happily said, raising a hoof and grinning brightly.
“Sure, anyway, have you met these two yet?” I said, twisting her tail so she could see the two fillies.
“Are those two…”
Derpy and Trixie looked at each other, then looked back at Morning Dew and pointed at themselves.
“Yup, that they are.” I said, tightening my grip on her tail.
She struggled to get out of my grasp, fluttering her wings and pushing against my arm with her back legs.
“Clean that hurts! Please let me go!”
Derpy and Trixie both gasped, “Grandpa! Let her go, you’re hurting her!”
I raised Morning Dew higher and lightly swung her back and forth like a pendulum.
“Derpy, Trixie, do you know what a Thestral is?”
They shook their heads, looking at Morning Dew worriedly.
“Alright, this-” I said, poking her in the side and causing her to giggle. “Is a Thestral.”
I grabbed at one of her fluffy ears. “Do you see her ears? When a pony has ears like these it's a clear indication they’re a Thestral.”
The two sat down, looking at her in fascination, having completely forgotten to care about her. Instead they focused on the impromptu lesson.
I pointed next to her eyes, being careful not to poke them. “Notice the cat-like eyes, also a clear indication.”
They both nodded, trying to get a good look at the bat pony, who was giggling at their expressions.
“And lastly, notice the little fangs. They don’t serve a purpose, but they look cute.” I said, finally pointing to her teeth.
“Awwww, Clean. You’re making me blush.”
“Be quiet, the lessons not over. Anyway, do you two know what this means?”
They shook their heads again, focusing intently.
“That means that this-” I shook Morning Dew up and down. “Doesn’t hurt her at all. Thestrals, also known as bat ponies, can hang upside down from their tails.”
“Wait, so then she lied?” Derpy said.
“Yup, she did. Now, what do you think her punishment should be?”
Derpy brought her hoof up to her chin and thought, causing Trixie to roll her eyes.
“Oh! She has to buy us sweets!” Derpy said, fluttering into the air.
Morning Dew shrugged then patted Derpy on the head. Quite a surprising feat, figuring she was still upside down.
I set Dew down as gently as possible. “Alright you three, we got things to do, ponies to bother, and places to be.”
-=- -=- -=-
Opening the door to the throne room, we again found Celestia in front of a small line of ponies. They guards let us pass by the line, and a most of the ponies in the line said their hello’s to us.
Walking up to Celestia, I picked Derpy up and set her in her lap, then picked up Trixie and held her in my arms. Celestia simply kept talking with the pony in front of her. Neither party seemed bothered by the gray filly adorning Celestia’s lap.
As I stood, leaning against the throne, I brushed my fingers through Trixie’s mane. The dark and light blues always amazed me. Apparently it felt good to her, because she let out a loud yawn and relaxed in my arms. I looked over to Celestia to see her rubbing her hoof through Derpy’s mane like I did. She was already fast asleep in the princess’ lap.
Morning Dew had taken the place of one of the guards so that she could stand by me and wait. She wasn’t wearing her armor yet, but it wasn’t common for there to be a commotion this late in the day. At supper, most ponies decided to either stay home, or eat out. Celestia asked the rest of the line to be quiet, so that the two fillies wouldn’t wake up. The line responded in kind, hushing up and only whispering to each other. When a pony would come up, they would speak as softly as possible. It was quite cute to be honest.
Celestia asked for my opinion on some matters, but mostly helped the ponies herself.
One of which was a light brown pony with a dark mane named Charlie. It was an odd name, more human than anything. What was interesting, however, was that his cutie mark was a mop. As it turned out, he actually came to see me. He said he’s always been good at cleaning up, and asked if I needed an assistant.
I told him that I didn’t, and that the castle didn’t need another janitor, since it's usually always clean. He was dejected at first, but then I spoke up.
“But there is a new museum opening up over on FairMare Lane. I hear they’re hiring workers, and I could put in a good word for you.”
He let out a loud gasp, before shoving his hoof in his mouth, realizing he almost woke up the fillies. He took his hoof out and smiled wide, before furiously nodding his head.
“Thanks Dayman! Watch out for the Nightman!” He said, running out of the throne room.
“Dayman?” Celestia whispered to me. To which I only shrugged.
-=- -=- -=-
When the last of the ponies were answered, Celestia ordered the guards to leave the throne room.
Celestia picked Derpy up off of her lap with magic, before standing up. Placing the sleeping on her back, I put Trixie beside her. They shifted so that they were cuddling up against each other.
Celestia looked over her back and cooed at them. Morning Dew flew up behind me, having the same reaction, before clutching her hoof against her chest, pretending to die of the cuteness.
“Alright you two, they’re cute. I get it, trust me. We gonna go eat or nah? I haven’t had a smoke in a while and I wanna do it while we walk.” I said, walking around the two of them.
“Alright Clean. Morning Dew, would you care to join us?”
“You betcha Princess. That's the entire reason I’m here. No offense meant, your highness.”
I pulled out the little box from my pocket, pulled a stick out, and lit it up.
“Alright then ladies, leggo.”
As I turned around to walk out, the doors were kicked open. Standing behind the door was a familiar face. A pink mare with a purple mane.
“Oh, Spoiled! It's good to see you again, sorr-”
“SHUT UP!”
The silence filling the hall was deafening. I looked over to the two fillies, and saw that they were starting to wake up.
Turning back to her, I said, “Spoiled! Be quiet, you’re gonna wake up-”
“Don’t you tell me to be quiet you insufferable monkey! You tricked me!”
I looked over to Celestia and then to Dew. Neither had any idea what she was talking about.
“Don’t play dumb with me! You said you’d come fix my garden for me, and you lied! Do you know how long I waited for you?!”
“Look, Spoiled, you need to calm down.”
“Calm down? Calm down?! How dare you! I’ll show you calming down!” She said, lighting her horn up.
“Don’t hurt my grandpa!” Came a voice from above. Derpy, somehow, had snuck off of Celestia’s lap and took to the air. She tried to fly into Spoiled, but ended up getting hit with the blast instead.
As Derpy fell to the floor. We all stood still.
Any sense of understanding or compliance I had was thrown out the window. Every instinct I had was focused solely on the mare in front of me.
“I- I didn’t mean- I-” She tried to say, shocked.
It became increasingly hard, when my foot was planted on the side of her head. I had had run over, and curb stomped her into the hard tile floor. Ponies were resilient, and in that moment, I didn’t care who was watching. This mare had harmed by little girl. My granddaughter… I was going to test EXACTLY how resilient ponies are.
I picked my foot off of her head and reached down. Wrapping a calloused hand around her horn, I lifted her off of the ground. Her right eye was closed and tears were staining her face.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry...I’m sorry.” She repeated between sobs.
I balled my fist up, preparing to sucker punch the bitch. I had no clue what spell she used, I had no idea what happened to Derpy, but she would pay with her blood.
But I hesitated. My hand felt warm, and an almost familiar feeling surrounded my arm. Looking at it it was surrounded by a purple, almost pink magic. I felt heavy.
Blinded by my rage, I failed to notice what happened. Morning Dew was clung to my back, trying to pull me back. Trixie was at my feet, crying and trying to stop me with her magic. Celestia had her hooves around my waist, also trying, in vain, to pull me back.
I dropped the mare. I tried to calm my nerves. Shaking furiously, I glared down at the Spoiled Milk.
The mare balled up on the floor, codding her right eye. Her face had become matted from the tears.
Having seen me let go of the mare, Morning Dew dropped and moved to check on Derpy. Celestia moved between me and Spoiled, using her horn to heal the mare’s eye.
“Celestia! What are you doing?!”
“I’m healing her, Clean.”
“What about Derpy?! She attacked my granddaughter! I don’t care about that bitch, and if it was up to me, she’d be dead!”
“If she died, you would have been put in the dungeon.”
“The fuck do you mean Celestia?! She attacked a filly!”
“She meant to attack you, an attack that wouldn’t have damaged you in the slightest, I must add.”
“I don’t care if it would affect me or not! I don’t care if it could have killed me! I care about Derpy!”
“She’s fine. Look at her yourself.”
I turned around. On the floor was Derpy, she was holding her head in her hooves, moaning slightly. I ran over to her, with Trixie following closely behind. Morning Dew moved over, leaving me room to kneel down and pick up the precious filly in my arms.
“Grandpa? What happened?”
I held her close, rubbing her back and trying to soothe her. More importantly, I was trying to soothe myself. “Shhh, don’t worry about it little one, grandpa is here.”
“What happened to that mean mare, grandpa?”
“She’s ok Derpy, just a little hurt. Do you feel okay sweetie?”
She pushed herself away from my chest. She was too weak to move, so I sat back and let her sit on my lap.
“No, I’m not grandpa. My head hurts and my eyes really hurt.”
Putting my hand under her chin, I moved her face to look at me. On eye was slightly tilted up, while the other was tilted down, giving her a cross eyed look. They were also teared up, more than likely from the pain. I moved her head from side to side, and her eyes followed my face, remaining crossed.
“Derpy, can you blink for me? Then I want you to follow my finger with your eyes only.”
“O-ok grandpa…Your finger is the thing on the end of your hoof, right?” She said, and blinked.
“Yes, now please follow it.”
I held up my index finger, and moved it from side to side. Trixie sat beside Morning Dew, too scared to sit beside me. Derpy followed my finger, but her eyes never adjusted back to normal.
“Derpy, how many fingers am I holding up?”
“Two.”
To say I was mad, was a clear understatement. To say I was furious would be an even bigger understatement. Not only had this mare hurt my filly, not only did she do this under MY supervision, but she messed up my little one’s eyes.
“Derpy, have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?”
She lightly giggled, and wiped the tears away from her eyes. “Yes grandpa, a lot of times.”
I kissed her forehead and held her close again. “Celestia, get over here. Now.”
Hearing a huff behind me, I could hear Celestia get up and walk over. “What is it Clean.”
I pointed down to the filly in my arms. “I want you to look at the filly in my arms. If you can’t fix what is wrong, then I STRONGLY advise you get that mare to run. If not, I don’t mind going to the dungeons.”
Celestia ruffled her feathers, looking scared. She knew I meant it, if I said something, I meant it. “Let me get a look, Derpy sweetie, what's the matter?”
Derpy wiped her eyes of her tears again and looked up to Celestia. “My head and eyes really hurt, can you help me?”
When Celestia saw her eyes, she paled. Her already alabaster coat whitened even more. Her horn lit up and the same gold color around the horn surrounded Derpy.
“Oh, the pains gone! Thanks Miss Celestia!”
Something was wrong though, Celestia refused to look at me, instead glancing between Morning Dew and Spoiled Milk. Morning Dew caught the hint and tried to sneak over to Spoiled Milk to take her away. Celestia already healed her, so she would be fine. But not if I got my hands on her again.
“Celestia…”
“Clean, I understand you feelings.”
“Bullshit you don’t understand!”
I felt the filly in my arms start to shake when I yelled at Celestia. She started to cry again.
“Grandpa, Miss Celestia, what's wrong with me?”
Celestia and I looked between each other. “Don’t say a word Celestia…”
I pulled Derpy close, yet again. I was never good at not being blunt, but I knew I couldn’t scare the filly. “Derpy, when you flew in front of me, trying to stop that mare from hurting me, she hit you instead.”
“Yeah, I remember… what happened?”
“Derpy, when she hit you, she messed up your eyesight.”
“My eyesight? What's wrong with it? And why can’t Miss Celestia fix it?”
I looked up to Celestia, motioning for her to speak now.
“Well, Derpy, your eyes are no longer straight. I can’t use my magic to help, because I could end up making it worse. I’m sorry, my little filly.”
She was silent, looking down at the floor. Trixie walked over and climbed into my lap beside her cousin. Derpy latched onto her and cried into her shoulder. I wrapped my arms around the two of them, and held them closely.
“I’m Clean, the only human janitor in Equestria, and I’m in the Canterlot dungeons.”
“I may have gotten in a bit of a scuffle. And by a bit, I mean I’m pretty fucked up. Got stitches, bandages, and wraps on my hands.”
“I’ve been down here a week I believe. There's a special cell specifically for me down here. There are no windows so you can never tell what time it is. Hence why I believe it's only been a week.”
“This cell was made after the war between Equestria and Griffonia. I made it myself actually. As penance, I carved away the stone walls with a pickaxe. Chipping away at the hard rock walls, I made a nice cell for me. The cell door is runic metal as well. It was charmed so that magic is nullified inside the cell.”
“I know it may seem a bit crazy, who would make a cell for themselves? Well I did, I made it incase I were to lose my mind one day. If something was to corrupt me like Nightmare Moon was corrupted. I know Celestia would never be able to do the right thing and put me down. That’s why I made this cell. So she wouldn’t have to choose.”
I hear the clopping of hooves coming from down the hall.
“There she is now, be quiet before she hears us.”
The sound of hooves continued to get louder until Celestia herself was in front of me.
I had both of my hands up, wrists bend and hands facing each other, moving my thumb and fingers to make it look like a mouth talking.
Righty turned to Celestia, “Hello Celestia, glad to see you dropping in! Tell me, did you bring any snacks? I’m starving.”
I smacked my right hand with my left, “No Righty, thats rude! Don’t you know you have to invite guests in before you ask for food?”
My hand hung limply, dead.
“I think I hit him too hard…”
“Enough Clean!” Celestia demanded, stomping her hooves into the stone floor.
“Alright, alright. What are you doing down here then?”
“You have visitors, Clean. Even if you don't want them.”
“...”
Celestia stood there awkwardly as I sat on my own cot. She sighed and motioned to the side with her wing. From around the corner came two mares. One, a yellow pegasus with a gray mane. The other, a light blue unicorn with purple hair. Both had bloodshot eyes and matted lines down their face.
They both stood on the other side of the bars. Trying to stay still, but their bodies would shiver every time they were racked with sobs they were trying to hold in.
“Dearie… Lovie…I’m-”
“No Clean, don’t you dare apologize!”
Dearie stopped her crying to scream at me. She was always the one hiding behind Lovie, but this was different.
“Because of you my daughter is hurt! The doctors say she’ll never see straight again! How could you let that happen to her?!”
Lovie tried to pull Dearie back, but she merely pushed her off with her wing.
Putting her face against the bars, she screamed in; “How dare you Clean?! You were supposed to protect her! It was for one week, how can you not take care of a filly for ONE BUCKING WEEK?!”
As she screamed at me, face pressed against the bars, trying to force herself through the metal beams, my vision darkened. I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes, threatening to fall. All I could see was my daughter pouring her soul out in front of me.
“I hope you ROT in this cell Clean, I hope to never see you again!”
Dearie spit at me through the bars. It hurt, not physically, but emotionally. I could feel every ounce of hate in her voice, every seething regret of having let her daughter stay with me.
Lovie looked between me, Celestia, and to where Dearie ran to. After a couple moments of silence she followed suit. Slowly trotting away.
After the sound of clopping hooves stopped, Celestia and I stood there in silence. After some deliberation, Celestia spoke up.
“Clean, do you know why you are in here?”
“I do, and I don’t regret it.”
“And are you ready to tell me what all happened?”
“Yes, I am…”
-=- -=- -=-
It was just after Spoiled Milk was escorted out. I gave Derpy and Trixie to Celestia to watch and watched over them.
“Clean, what are we going to do?”
I stood there, watching over the two fillies.
“I need some time to think, I need to step outside.”
I felt angry, angrier than I’ve ever been before. But, at the same time, I was completely calm. My thoughts were clear and precise.
‘You know what you have to do.’
I walked away from Celestia, leaving the throne room.
‘How dare she touch your family.’
I questly closed the door, noticing that the guards that were usually posted outside were both absent. Making a mental note to check into why the guards weren’t performing their duties, I briskly walked down the hall.
‘Useless dogs, they can’t even do their jobs right.’
I knew the castle’s interiors. Having spent decades in here, I could easily make my way around with my eyes closed.
‘That mare lacks control, she needs to be taught a lesson’
Finding the staircase, I stepped down into the darkness. Each step resounding in the dark halls.
‘Yes, a lesson is exactly what that wretched cretin needs. Show her why a pony is no match against a human.’
My steps slowed as I came closer and closer to the dungeons. I knew that Spoiled Milk had to be down here. The holding cells were just below the castle, just enough so that they could be guarded. They were rarely used, but I still kept them in clean shape.
‘You’ve done this before, haven’t you? This one most certainly deserves it.’
I got to the bottom of the stairs and stood in front of the door to the dungeon. It was tall and menacing, letting Celestia easily clear it by three feet, almost a meter taller.
‘Make her regret ever being born.’
I wrapped my fingers around the circular handle of the door. It was a simply ring that could be pulled or pushed. I stopped. Would this really change anything?
‘She needs to be punished, Clean. Whos to say she won’t hurt another pony?’
I was angry at Spoiled Milk. I wanted her to hurt for what she did, I wanted revenge. But I couldn’t bring myself to push the door open. It felt like something was holding me back, telling me that nothing good would come from it.
Then I thought back on what happened. Derpy taking the blast of magic for me, then seeing her eyes messed up.
‘That mare took something from Derpy that she’ll never get back. Now it is time to take something from her. Open the door.’
I didn’t feel right, something felt wrong.
-=- -=- -=-
“What do you mean something felt wrong?”
Celestia interrupted my telling of the story. Having chosen to sit down outside my cell midway through.
“My thoughts were clouded, I’ve been angry before as you know, but nothing like this. Even when I tried to rationalize my thoughts, I was still angry.”
“Clean, when we found you down here, I found traces of magic on you. Is there something you’re not telling me?”
I stood up from my cot in the corner of the room. I walked over to Celestia and sat on the floor in front of her.
“I have a bad feeling about this Celestia. It felt like someone else was talking though my conscious. Even when I would try to calm down and think rationally, I would just get more mad. I think I was being possessed.”
Celestia let out a sigh, shaking her head. “Clean, you know that nopony has the magical capabilities to control you. Your natural resistance to magic keeps you safe from that. Nopony could ever hope to be strong enough.”
I stood back up, walking back over to my cot and pulling out a small box under the cot. Walking back over to Celestia I opened it up and starting pulling things out.
“No PONY could control me, Celestia, but an Alicorn could.”
“Now you’re being ridiculous Clean. Surely you don’t think Cadence would do something like that?”
“I was thinking something different.” I said, pulling out a small carton of cigarettes, a book and some scraps of paper with photographs stuck to them.
I handed the book to Celestia. On it was a golden unicorn with diamond blue eyes. The binding had two strips of gold on it.
“Celestia, do you recognize this book?”
She pulled the book out of my grasp with her magic, then held it. “Yes, this is an old story book. It has multiple stories in it that parents read to their foals at night. What of it?”
“What is the first story then?”
She flipped the book open to the first page. After skimming the pages for a couple seconds, she closes the book with her magic and sets it down. She stares down at the book, face blank.
“Well?”
“Clean, do you really think that's the reason you did this?”
“Let me finish telling you what happened, just remember the story.”
-=- -=- -=-
I pushed the door open. Inside Morning Dew was silently watching over a cell.
She looked up to me and called me out. “Clean, what are you doing down here?”
I made my way over to her, focusing more on the cell than her.
Morning Dew stood up, coming between me and the cell. “I know what you’re down here for. I’m not letting you do this. Please, go back upstairs. She’ll get a fair trial and be sentenced.”
“No, she took something from me. I plan on taking something in return.”
The guardspony looked scared for a second, before brandishing her sword from under her wing. Holding it in her hoof, she readied the blade.
“Clean, stand down. Something is wrong and you need to see the Princess. Please listen to me.”
“It's too late for that Dew. I don’t plan on leaving until her debts paid in full.”
She leapt forward, attempting to strike me with the flat of her blade. In her haste, she messed up her swing and ended up slicing me across the chest.
Not expecting to actually cut me, and the sight of blood, she dropped her blade and started to back away.
“You shall not interrupt me, leave or be stricken down.” I said, approaching her. “Well? What will it be?”
“Y-you’re not Clean. Who are you?”
Raising my hand, I struck Morning Dew across the back of her neck, knocking her unconscious. Picking up her sword, I turned my attention to the cell.
-=- -=- -=-
“Clean, did that not tip you off that something was wrong?”
Cigarette in hand, I leaned back and looked up to the ceiling of my cell.
“No, it didn’t Celestia. I was too focused on my task. Now do you want me to finish telling you?”
“Just… go on Clean.” She said, looking down, dejected.
-=- -=- -=-
“Well… Look what we have here…”
Inside the cell, Spoiled Milk started to quiver. Her hair looked unkempt, and her face was stained like she had been crying. She had a black eye from where my boot connected to her face.
Raising the guard’s sword, I slashed the lock to her cell in half. Deliberately opening the door slowly.
“You’ve taken something that cannot be returned. Now it's time you pay with blood.”
I approached the mare, preparing to swing the sword, when a stone connected with the back of my head. I crumpled to the floor and dropped the sword.
In my blurred vision I saw the mare pick the sword up with her magic and attempt to slash me with it. I clumsily batted it away with my hand, earning me a nice slash across my palm. Shakily trying to stand, I got up to my hands and knees, leaving a nice, bloody handprint on the floor.
“I see they didn’t put a magic dampening ring on your horn.” I said, vision waving. “That just makes this all the more fun.”
The sword wavered in her untrained magic. She tried to slash again, catching me in the forearm this time. It wasn’t strong enough to cut through, but it did cut into my arm.
By the time I finally gathered the strength to get to my feet she had made numerous more attempts to butcher me. Each time she would cut deeper, but she lacked the strength and training to do any permanent damage besides a couple of deep on my arms.
On my feet, I moved forward and grabbed the handle of the blade. Her magic dissipated. She panicked and tried to blast me with magic, only to have it also dissipate.
“Stay back! You can’t kill me! You’ll be sentenced to the dungeons for life!”
“Silly little pony, I don’t want your life… I want something else entirely…” I said bringing my arm back and slicing horizontally. It was a clean cut, right at the base of her horn.
-=- -=- -=-
I finished my story and shuffled my hand around the box. I pulled out a small, pink horn. Placing it base down.
Celestia looked down at the horn and her eyes widened. She stuttered and stumbled on her words, trying to come up with something to say.
I picked the horn back up and put it in the box. Taking out another cigarette, I lit it and stuck it in my mouth.
“Well, that's the story. Take it as you will.”
Gathering her words, Celestia stood up and looked down at me. “Clean, your trial is to be set in another week. I expect you’ll be staying down here?”
“Yeah, I have a feeling I’ll be down here for a while.”
“Goodbye Clean.”
“Goodbye Tia.”
“Its Princess Celestia.”
I stood up and moved to my cot. For some reason the room felt colder than before.
The runes on the bars glow faintly, illuminating the sparse interior.
The cell had a little room tucked away in the corner, more of a half wall than anything. The bathroom and shower combo, meaning a hole in the ground with a fountain of water consistently falling from a hole in the ceiling.
There was also my cot. A simple bed consisting of a short frame, a thin mattress, and a blanket. With that was a box kept at the end of the bed. In that box my most precious items were held.
Every time I woke, and before I slept I would look into that box. Pulling out each piece and remembering the memories from them all. Sheets of paper with pictures on them, all of ponies important in my life with little details such as their likes and birthdays.
There was also a journal with a fountain pen, a place where I could keep my mental scrawlings kept safely. As well as various knick knacks and trinkets from my past. Some of pleasant times, others of horrible times.
A feather from a Griffon King, a ring from a Minotaur’s nose, a fragment of a changeling’s carapace, a small ruby from a Diamond Dog Queen, and a new addition to the collection. A horn from one of Celestia’s ponies.
Every time I looked at the dull pink horn I felt sharp pains of regret. The thoughts and feelings fresh in my mind. What I had done couldn’t be changed. No matter what I could hope to do. No matter what wishes I could hope for.
The runes on the bars darkened and faded, seeming like a generator that was running out too much power.
“But you don’t regret anything… do you?”
I couldn’t even bring myself to stand. The room continued to darken, the light fading in and out. Like I was caught halfway into a dream.
“Surely she deserved it? She did hurt your ‘pwecious widdle baby’ after all.”
I slid my hand under my cot, wrapping my hand around a cold piece of metal fashioned into a blade.
The darkness began to form in front of me. Forming into the shape of an alicorn. It was hazy, almost dim.
“Come now Clean, it was only in good fun. She got what she deserved, didn’t she?”
With my hand around the cold handle of the knife, I raised my hand only to have a blast of magic hit my hand, burning it. I dropped the knife and clutched at my hand. It felt like I had slapped the top to a stove.
“You didn’t think that measly little blade could hurt me, did you? How naive.”
I pushed myself forward, intending to grapple with the smoky apparition, only to pass right through it. Quickly standing up, I spin around to look at the ghostly apparition. She moved to sitting on my cot, almost floating above it.
Since I can’t attack her, I back up to the wall and lean against it. Pulling out another smoke, I light it and slide down the wall until I’m sitting down crouched.
“Whats the matter Clean? Can’t hit a mare?”
Puffing out a smoke ring, I reply. “You must think I’m stupid, your little parlor tricks are quite amusing horse.”
Her horn lights up and a small ball of fire comes out the end, that I simply bat away.
“That may have worked the first time there Nightmare, but I see what you’re doing. Your form got thinner with that first bolt of magic, and its even thinner now.”
The mare snickers before laying down on my got, seemingly getting comfortable.
“You sure are smart aren’t you Clean? Guess there's no fooling you is there? Why don’t you tell me what you think is going on, and I’ll tell you if you ‘hit the nail on the head’ as you would say.”
Flicking the cherry off of my light, I rap my knuckles on the bars of the cell. “These are used to nullify magic. My best guess is that you got in my mind somehow, instead of actually coming here yourself. The entire reason that first blast actually hurt was because I thought it would. Only thing that makes sense.”
“Seems like you’re pulling this out of your ass, Clean. But you’re right. I am in your head.” She says, getting up and approaching me. She taps her hoof on my forehead, punctuating every word. “Right. In. Here.~”
Blowing a puff of smoke in her face as retaliation, I respond. “Since you’re in there, think you could stay outta my memories? Those are a bit personal after all.”
“Of course Clean, goddess knows what you’ve done in your previous world, especially with all the havoc you’ve caused in this one.”
“Yeah, yeah. Mind explaining how you got in my head in the first place? I thought you were trapped on the moon?”
With a sing songy laugh she responds, “Oh Clean, that would be spoiling the surprise! But I might as well give you a little sneak peek. You remember the late King Allant? What do you think made him invade Canterlot in the first place?”
“Wait, don’t tell me. You told him it would be a good idea?”
“Bingo! Being stuck on the moon gives you quite a lot of time to think, and even more time to gather magic. While I was weak, after a good 600 years I easily gathered enough magic to send a little… message to a rival kingdom. What I didn’t plan for was a self righteous human to be protecting my sweet big sister.”
“If you’re actually trapped on the moon, how can I see you now then? And what else have you done to try and fuck things up down here?”
“Nuh-uh Clean! That's still spoilers. I’ll tell you in a couple years, when I’m free that is. But my time is up. I’ve only got so much magic stored up. Lets just say, I’m saving up more for when I’m free. Without the Elements of Harmony, and without you, taking Celestia down and ruling this kingdom will be easy.”
Flicking the ashes out onto the snout of the mare, I respond. “Yeah, whatever. Just get the fuck outta my cell. Don’t you have a moon to pout on? Fuckin’ ‘luna’-tic.”
Baring her sharp teeth, she threatens me; “Don’t push your luck Clean! When I’m out I’ll be sure to burn everything you love to the ground, along with my sister. Nothing shall stand to oppose me, and you’ll be forced to watch it all!”
“Sure sure, what's your beef with me anyway? I didn’t do anything to hurt you.”
Backing away, her form starts to dissipate. “It's not what you’ve done to hurt me, it's what you’ve done to help my sister. You’re a sun lover, and you’re all the same.”
Flipping her the bird, I blow her ghostly form away. The mare’s outline fades and travels up like a puff of smoke, before disappearing.
With a wave of my hands I exclaim, “And poof! She’s gone. Abraca-fucking-dabra.”
Getting up and picking my knife off the ground, I cut a line into the wall.
