Rage Against The Privilege
The courtroom air was dense and heavy. Glaring eyes from all in attendance peered at the dragon sitting in a seat at the front of the room. The judge shot a glance, sharp as steel, toward him.
“Spike the Dragon, you are before this hallowed courtroom today accused of a crime of the gravest and most sinister variety. How do you plead?”
Spike stood up, eyes locked with the judge. “Not guilty, your honor.”
Murmurs could be heard from all across the room.
“Very well.” The judge stood up and addressed the crowd before her. “I, Celestia, will hear both sides of this argument, from the plaintiff and defendant, and determine the culpability and truth of all citizens and accusations made. But first, Spike, please rise.”
Spike stood up. “Yes, your honor?”
“Please, tell me how someone such as you, known for his upstanding behavior in all things could be involved in a case so heinous as this.”
Spike looked over at his representative, one Trixie Lulamoon, and after getting the okay, he began to speak. “Well, your honor, it all began a few days ago. I was walking in the park when I met this mare…”
*****
The birds were chirping, the sun was shining and life was absolutely wonderful as Spike made his way down the concrete pathways of the local town park.
“Ahh, what a beautiful day! It would have been a shame to just stay inside.”
Spike had a spring to his step as he walked by his fellow townsponies. Spike took a moment to wave at two of them enjoying the comfort of a nearby bench. “Good afternoon, Lyra! You too, Bon Bon!”
The ponies smiled and waved back at him.
“Good morning, Spike,” Bon Bon said.
“Isn’t it a beautiful day?” Lyra leaned back and let out a sigh of pure delight. “I’m so thankful to our wonderful city council for supplying us with all these lovely benches for us to sit on.”
“I agree,” Bon Bon replied. “But isn’t the whole bench thing getting old by now? Maybe we should do something else?”
“Nah, some things never get old.”
Spike chuckled. “You guys have a great day, alright?”
He wandered further down the path when he came across a mare he had seen around town before, but never thought to try and socialize with. She was sitting down by a tree by herself, so now seemed to be as good of a time as any.
“Hey there!” He said with a wave, approaching her. “You’re Berry Punch, right?”
“Yep, that’s me,” she said with a grunt.
Spike could notice she was holding a bottle of soda and seemed to be having some trouble with it. “You seem to be having some trouble getting the cap off. You mind if I give it a try?”
Spike reached out and got the bottle from her. With a quick flick of his claw the cap was off and he handed it back to her with a smile on his face. “Here you go. Being a dragon has its benefits, if you know what I mean.”
“Excuse me?” she replied, snatching the bottle back. “Was that a sexual threat?”
“Umm, what?”
“You think just because you’re a ‘big, mighty, male dragon’ you can do whatever you want with me?” She rose to her hooves and glared at him.
“No, I’m sorry. I was just referring to my claws. They help with…”
“Oh! Likely story! The ‘poor helpless female’ can’t open a bottlecap by herself so you have to step in and save the day. Typical patriarchal society views. How do I know you weren’t trying to distract me so you could have your way with me when I wasn’t looking, huh? HUH?”
Spike looked around, eyes wide in shock. “No, I… I’m gonna go now.”
“That’s it. I’m telling my lawyer. You’ve got a lawsuit on your hooves, buddy.”
Spike stood frozen. “Uh… claws, actually.”
*****
“...And that’s how it happened. As you can see, it doesn’t make much sense.”
“That’s for me to decide, defendant.” Celestia looked at him, eyes like daggers through his heart.
“Trixie objects, your honor,” Trixie said, standing up. “What exactly is my client even being charged with? This whole trial is a waste of my time and energy and that of everyone in attendance and this needs to stop.”
Celestia shook her head. “Trixie? How did you even come to be a representative of the law, if I may ask? Last I heard from Twilight, you were causing mischief and hustling ponies out of their money in pool halls.”
“Oh, please. Those facts have been greatly exaggerated! The Great and Powerful Trrrrixie has been an avid studier of law for a long time. Three days to be exact! Spike, my dear client in his most vulnerable state, called upon my expertise in his hour of need and I took it upon myself as my duty, no, my moral obligation, to assist!”
Celestia frowned and looked over to Spike. “Really? Was she the best you could do?”
He shrugged. “I only had three bits. My options were limited.”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Well, it is your right under the law to choose who you wish, however foolish the choice may seem to be.”
“Trixie objects!”
“Overruled. Now, in response to your question, the defendant today is being accused of sexual misconduct in public, attempt to sexually harass and for a vulgar display of one’s power and social privilege.”
Trixie turned to Spike. “Don’t worry, with me at your side, there’s no way we can lose. These charges are obscene!”.
Celestia turned her attention away from Trixie and Spike over to the other side of the courtroom. “Now, Berry Punch. You stand before me as the one accusing Spike of these crimes. Do you or your representative have an opening statement? Speaking of which, where is your representative?” Celestia pointed toward the empty seat next to Berry Punch.
“Oh, she’ll be here very quickly,” Berry Punch replied with a devilish smirk. “She just had a long way to travel.”
Trixie leaned in toward Spike to whisper to him. “Ha! Their attorney couldn’t even be here on time. We’ve got this in the bag. And besides, I brought me a briefcase. There’s no way they can stand up to this level of professionalism.”
Spike and Trixie shared a quick hoof bump, but their glee was interrupted by the sound of the courtroom doors flying open.
“So sorry I’m late, your honor,” a familiar voice announced from the back. “I couldn’t find my second briefcase.”
Spike and Trixie turned around and their jaws hit the floor in unison as the they saw the figure of Princess Cadance stroll to the front of the room and take her seat.
Spike turned around and addressed Celestia. “Your honor, how is this fair? Having a Princess as an attorney is a major conflict of interest!”
Cadance stood up and turned to Spike. “Sorry Spike, but in my vast array of Princess studies I earned a degree in law at Canterlot university and Berry Punch just happens to be one of my clients. It’s entirely legal.”
“Well, this sucks,” Spike said, crossing his arms.
“Uh, your honor, the defendant just used vulgar language in the courtroom. Please add that to his case file.” Cadance pointed a hoof in Spike’s direction.
“Trixie objects! ‘Sucks’ is not vulgarity, merely a word used to describe the unpleasantness of this situation.”
“I’ll allow it,” Celestia said, “and you just used it a second time, so that’s an extra mark against your client. You guys are on thin ice, already.”
Trixie huffed and sat back down.
“Anyway, Cadance, would your party like to make an opening statement before we begin?”
“Yes, your honor, we would.” Cadance walked to the front of the room and addressed the crowd.
“Ponies of Equestria, my client has suffered a humiliation of the most grotesque variety this past week. In her attempts to live a normal life and enjoy a crisp Spring afternoon, the creature sitting before us decided it was high time to impose his dominance and threaten her very being. As citizens, we all stand by and let this happen on a daily basis, but now, we have the opportunity to do the right thing and see justice served. So please, do the right thing today. That is all.”
Celestia wiped a tear from her eye. “Well said, Cadance. Well said. Now, let’s begin the proceedings. Cadance, you will call the first witness.”
“Wait a minute, Trixie objects once more! Why does she get to go first?”
“Two briefcases,” Celestia said.
Trixie sat down and slammed her hoof to the table. “Curses, she’s good.”
“Thank you, your honor,” Cadance said, flicking her tail in Trixie’s direction. “For my first witness, I’d like to call my client, Berry Punch, to the stand, so we can hear the truth of the matter.”
Berry Punch rose to her hooves and sat down at the stand. “Very well, what would you like to know.”
“Berry Punch, please, take us back in time to when the incident took place. Tell us, in your own words, the truth of what happened that terrible afternoon.”
“Of course.” She put her hoof to her chin. “Well, I had just purchased an ice cold soda, and went to the park to enjoy it. And then, all of a sudden, this hulking dragon approaches me….”
*****
“Ahh, yes, what a glorious afternoon to be alive,” Berry said aloud. “And to top it off, I finally saved up enough money with the twenty-six percent less I make compared to my male counterparts to afford a soda!”
Berry took her beverage and began to open it when a large, looming shadow appeared over her.
“Oh, what do we have here? A little pony trying to enjoy her day. Not if I, a superior male, has anything to say about it!”
Berry looked up to see the figure of a dragon standing over her. “Oh, um, Spike, what can I help you with?”
Spike knocked her to the side and took her drink from her. He cracked the cold one open and drank it before throwing the bottle back at her. “You can shut the hell up and wait for my boys to show up. Then we’re going back to my place to have some fun.”
“Ahh, help me, somepony!” Berry cried out, but it was to no avail as the dragon began dragging her away.
“Heh, sometimes it’s good to be a dragon,” he said with a grin.
*****
“...And that’s exactly how it happened, your honor. It’s a miracle I was able to escape and get ahold of Cadance at all. I’ve never been so humiliated.”
Cadance nodded and looked up at Celestia. “No further questions, your honor.”
Berry Punch returned to her seat, wiping away tears and glaring at Spike.
“Thank you, Berry Punch,” Celestia stated. “I understand that must’ve been hard for you. Now Trixie, you are free to speak.”
Trixie got up and addressed Celestia. “Thank you, your honor. I, too, would like to call my first witness. To begin, I’d like to call Lyra Heartstrings to the stand!” Trixie thrust her hoof out to the mint colored mare in audience.
Lyra stood up and walked to the stand.
Trixie approached her. “Now, Lyra, it has come to my attention you were there the day of the incident, is that correct?”
“That is correct,” she replied.
“And is it also true that you’ve known Spike, my client, for quite some time?”
“Yes, that is also correct.”
“Very good,” Trixie said. “Tell me, would you consider Spike a nice dragon? How would you describe him, in your own words?”
Lyra thought for a moment before responding. “Yes, I suppose he’s pretty nice. On the few occasions we’ve spoken he’s always seemed pleasant.”
“Excellent. Now, if you would, please tell everypony here of the events that happened that day, in your own words.”
“Okay, I’ll try and remember.”
“Very good,” Trixie said. “But remember, you took an oath before entering this courtroom to spill the beans, the whole beans and nothing but the beans. No pressure, though, of course.”
Lyra took a gulp of air and began. “Well, from what I can remember, it went like this…”
*****
“Good afternoon, to you too, Spike!” Lyra shouted at the dragon as he strode down the concrete path.
“He sure is friendly, huh?” Bon Bon said to her.
“Definitely. Then again, who could be anything but friendly on a beautiful day like this?” Lyra stretched out in the bench and closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight on her coat.
However, something wasn’t right. She could feel it. Her eyes flew open and she glanced at the area around her.
“Bon Bon?” Lyra asked, softly touching her friend.
“Yes, Lyra?”
“There’s something wrong, here. Something terrible is happening. I can feel it.”
“What do you mean?” Bon Bon asked. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s… It’s…”
*****
“Yes, what is it?” Trixie asked, peering into Lyra’s eyes. “What happened?”
“IT WAS THE BENCH!” Lyra burst into tears. “The bench had an uneven board on the back rest! It was awful!”
Trixie stepped back. “Excuse me?”
Lyra’s screams of pain and agony were heard around the courtroom. “You did this, Celestia!” She thrust a hoof at the Princess. “By cutting the small town budgets, upkeep could not be kept on that bench and my love life, my happy memories… they’re all ruined!”
As tears flowed down her face, Celestia motioned for security to take her out of the courtroom.
“I’ll never forgive you for this. Never!” As security dragged her out, Trixie was left with nothing to do but move on..
“Well, uh, no more questions, your honor.” She slinked back to her seat next to Spike.
“Way to go,” Spike whispered to her, “you said she was a surefire ace in the hole for us.”
“How was I supposed to know she was suffering from some kind of bench related PTSD?” Trixie replied.
“That’s why you’re supposed to interview the witnesses before the trial,” Spike said shaking his head.
“Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t get that far in the book!”
“That’s basic stuff! How far did you get?”
“I’ll have you know I scanned the entire table of contents and part of the acknowledgements.”
Spike shoved his claw into his face before Celestia interrupted their conversation.
“Okay, now that that craziness is over, Cadance, would you like to call an additional witness to the stand?”
Cadance stood up. “Why yes, your honor, I would. For my next witness, I’d like to call Mayor Mare to the stand!”
The Mayor of Ponyville got up from her seat and took her place at the stand.
Celestia turned toward Cadance. “This is a very influential witness, Cadance. One that carries much weight. Good work, as always.”
“Thank you, your honor.” Cadance smiled and briefly bowed to Celestia.
“Trixie objects to this outrageousness!”
“What is it now, Trixie?” Celestia said, groaning.
“Mayor Mare wasn’t even present at the incident. This witness has no relevance to the proceedings.”
“Mayor Mare is a character witness, your honor,” Cadance stated with a huff.
“I’ll allow it,” Celestia replied. “Now shut your mouth until she’s done Trixie or I’ll hold you in contempt of court, understood?”
Trixie grumbled and sat down.
“Thank you once more, your honor,” Cadance said. “Some of us are trying to keep these hallowed halls dignified. Anywho, Mayor Mare, I’d like to ask you some questions about the defendant.”
The Mayor nodded her head. “I’ll tell you everything I can.”
“Tell me, how would you describe Spike the dragon? Please, feel free to be open and honest.”
Mayor Mare cleared her throat and began. “He’s a nuisance.”
Gasps could be heard throughout the whole room, causing Spike to sink into his seat.
Cadance nodded. “I see. But, if you will, please expound on that conclusion for the courtroom, if you would.”
“Why yes, I would love to.” She looked around the courtroom. “Spike the Dragon has done nothing with his time in my town but waste tax dollars and cause a regular headache for myself and the city council.”
“Trixie demands an explanation!” The blue mare shot up out of her seat and pointed at the mayor. “My client is nothing if not a model citizen.”
“Your honor,” Cadance protested, “if I recall, it was the Mayor’s turn to speak.”
“Quiet, Trixie, before I revoke your magic practicing license for the next millennium.” Celestia rubbed her temples and turned back toward the Mayor. “I apologize, but please continue.”
“As I was saying,” the Mayor cleared her throat, “he’s nothing but a drain on our town’s resources and a major strain on every ounce of goodwill I have.”
“Could you please give us a specific example for the sake of context?” Cadance said.
“Of course,” she replied. “Several years back, it was a peaceful day in town, all my citizens were simply trying to enjoy the life they’d been given, when our little resident dragon decided to turn into a towering behemoth and destroy half my town!”
Cadance threw her hoof over her mouth. “No! You don’t say?”
“Yes, I do say!” she said. “In one unparalleled act of greed and distaste for all that polite society represents, this individual, and I use that term generously, ravaged my town, caused hundreds of thousands of bits in damage and even injured several other citizens in his act of dominance and greed. I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life.”
Trixie rose to her hooves once more. “Your honor, this is outrageous. My client is not on trial for an incident that happened years ago. He’s here for an incident that happened but a few days ago. This information is useless!”
Celestia shook her head. “It is true your client cannot be tried for any previous crimes today, but it does go to show the personality of the defendant and whether he’s the kind of individual who could display the actions he’s accused of. Continue, Mayor.”
“Well, to put it bluntly, he’s a drain on resources, a massive insurance risk to everypony in town and I find it entirely believable that he committed the crimes he’s been accused of. And to put it in perspective, Berry Punch is nothing but a fantastic citizen. That’s all I have to say on the matter.”
“Thank you very much for your honest testimony, Mayor Mare,” Cadance said, turning toward the audience. “As you can see, it is clearly evident that the dragon in the courtroom today is one that would not hesitate, no, would go out of his way to cause difficulty in the lives of others.”
“I’m sure everypony here today can have respect for what the Mayor has had to go through. We appreciate your testimony.”
Trixie rolled her eyes and looked at Spike. “This is getting serious, Spike. We need something big.”
Spike deadpanned. “You think? She just gave me a death sentence.”
“Speaking of which, The Great and Powerful Trixie thought she was the most hated pony in town. But it would appear you’re giving me a run for my money.”
“Oh, shut it. If I’m going down, you’re going down with me and you’re not getting your three bits.”
Trixie gasped. “You can’t do that.”
“I can… and I will. You’d know that if you bothered reading the contract I made you sign.”
“Hmph.” Trixie said with a frown. “Well, however right you may be, my next plan of action is sure to win us this crowd.”
“Hopefully it turns out better than your last witness.”
“Don’t worry, it will.”
Celestia cast her gaze upon Spike and Trixie. “Well, for all intents and purposes it would strongly appear that you, Spike, are indeed guilty. However, I’m held by the standards of the law of this land to hear out your side of the case in full. So, Trixie, if you would like call a final witness to add volume to your case of innocence, you may do so now. But I swear, if I have to call security again, you both are getting sent to the moon. Are we clear?”
“Have no fear, your honor,” Trixie said, gracefully rising from her seat. “That will not be necessary, because I call the Plaintiff, Berry Punch, to the stand!”
Cadance hopped to her hooves. “I object. Hasn’t the defense put my client through enough trauma already?”
“I agree, this is a most unusual turn of events,” Celestia said, rubbing her chin. “But, this hasn’t been a usual trial by any stretch of the imagination. I’ll allow it.”
“Ha!” Trixie cheered. “Take that you pink pincushion!”
“Trixie, don’t push it,” Celestia said, narrowing her eyes. “And I’m adding an additional mark to your client’s case file for the use of a nonsensical insult. Now, proceed.”
“Ahem, yes, your honor. Now, as I was saying, Berry Punch, come to the stand.”
Berry made her way to the stand. “I will do as you ask, for the sake of justice.”
Trixie snickered and walked over to her. “Heh, the only justice getting served today is a fat plate of it that’s gonna be slammed in your face!”
“Trixie!” Celestia scolded.
“Yes, I apologize. However, my point remains the same that justice must be served, here and now. So, in light of this, I’m just going to ask the Plaintiff a few simple questions, questions that will undoubtedly bring the truth to light.”
“Fire away,” Berry replied.
“Very well,” Trixie said. “Berry Punch, tell me, how long have you known the defendant?”
“I’ve known of him for a few years, since he and the Princess moved to Ponyville. But we’ve never really taken the time to interact. That was, of course, before a few days ago when he decided a simple ‘hello’ wasn’t sufficient.”
“Please, stick to the questions I ask. The taxpayers have little time for your nonsense.”
“Are you threatening my client?” Cadance called out.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie would never stoop to such barbaric levels, unlike your client and her outrageous claims. Now, let Trixie finish.”
Cadance scrunched her face and returned to her seat.
“Now,” Trixie continued, “before this fictional incident, have you ever had any negative personal contact with Spike?”
“Well, no, but like I said, we never really—”
“Ha! As you can see your honor, this whole incident is contrived by the mind of a pony possessed! Possessed with naught but ill will toward my client and a fierce burning desire to make his life miserable.”
“That’s not true!” Berry Punch shouted. “I have no ill-will toward anypony. I simply have a strong distaste for the way society trains other individuals, primarily male, to think they’re superior and deprive me of my rights. And that’s exactly what Spike, that animal over there, did! By stealing my drink and making his raucous threats toward me, I’ve never been so offended or felt so betrayed by my fellow citizens.”
Trixie tried to interject, but was cut off by the barrage of tears flowing from the pony on the stand.
Celestia thrust a hoof at Trixie and then at Spike. “I think I’ve heard enough. All you two have done is bring a charming young pony to tears with your virulent and unprovoked behavior. What do you have to say for yourself, Spike?”
Spike stood up and approached Celestia. “I understand this looks bad and Trixie probably wasn’t the best choice for a representative, but I guarantee you this is all fictional! Ask Twilight, Rarity, even Starlight! They can all vouch for me. All I attempted to do was be friendly to a stranger and it blew up like this, in a storm of malicious lies and hoof-pointing. I’ve made mistakes, we all have, but I would never go out of my way to bring a fellow citizen down like this. I apologize ma’am, but this is nonsense.”
“Excuse me, Spike?”
“Yes, your honor?”
“Did you just assume my gender?”
*****
“I can’t believe this,” Spike said, emitting a loud groan. “You said we had it in the bag!”
“You can’t believe it? The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t belong in a dungeon! It’s all your fault!”
Spike sighed. “Well, look on the bright side. Two weeks down… only a thousand years to go.”
The End