Asking Pinkie Pie for a date is easy. Getting her to agree to a second one will be the tricky part.
You've always wanted to ask Pinkie Pie out, and today, you're feeling brave enough to do that. Can you make the right choices and get her to go out with you? Can you go through an entire evening without failing spectacularly? Probably not, but you can always go back and try again. One way or another, Pinkie Pie will be yours in the end.
As the title implies, you'll be allowed to pick from several options at each step in the story. Most of those options are dead ends, so don't worry if you run into one. That's just the way these things work. If you happen to be a completionist, it's also possible (but not recommended) to read the story in order by advancing each chapter normally.
Pinkie Pie is hopping through Ponyville's busy market. You've seen her come and go, and each time you feel a bit more drawn towards her. There's something about the way that she loves to smile which makes you feel all knotted up inside. She's usually busy, but today she passed by the stand for party supplies. Her pink coat is as cheerful as a freshly-filled ball pit. Her mane is as wild and untamed as an improv comedian after a case of cider. You can't help yourself; you simply find her to be the most desirable pony in all of existence.
She's sitting by the fountain, relaxing with a cup of soapy water and blowing bubbles. This is the perfect opportunity. You should introduce yourself and ask her for a date. But first, you need to explain something about yourself.
You are a sea monster, and you've had your heart set on Pinkie Pie ever since you first saw her swimming at the beach. Your gigantic form is hard to conceal, but you managed to hide by picking up a house and squeezing yourself under the foundation. You're cramped, uncomfortable, and exposure to the air is making your slimy hide dry out and flake. Now that Pinkie Pie is out in the open, this is the best opportunity to make your move.
You wrap some of your many tentacles around the home's rose bushes and tear them out of the ground. Slithering forward, you deposit the improv floral arrangement at her feet. The ponies in the market scream and run, but your gesture has caught Pinkie's attention. She looks up at you with wide, blue eyes.
“Hhrabgpt! Zath shu-nugrath ahm'akpfit,” you say.
Her pupils shrink to beads and she backs off as one of your many tentacles gets too close to her personal space. “Um, thanks, but no thanks. You're a bit too washed-up for me.” She runs off.
Alas, it was not not meant to be. Perhaps if you were a pony instead of an abomination from the deep, things could have worked out better.
You are a pony, of course, but the type of pony you are isn't important yet. You watch as the townsfolk bustle about the streets, filling their saddlebags with fresh produce and other goods. Many of them stop to wave at Pinkie, who giggles and blows bubbles. They smile and go about their ways. Approaching her will be easy, but with so many ponies around, finding a way to stand out will be hard. You should offer her a gift, but what would she like?
Ah yes, flowers are a tried and true gift. You've bought yourself a fancy bouquet of white roses, catnip, and red tulips. It cost a fair few bits, but price isn't important in the name of love. You fuss with the flowers, trying to make them look as nice as possible. When you are satisfied, you walk over to Pinkie Pie.
She waves and blows a bubble shaped like a whale. You have no idea how she managed to do that, but you can't help but smile. Leaning forward, you present the flowers to her.
Her eyes widen and she gasps. “Wow, these are perfect for Octavia's recital tomorrow. Did Roseluck send you?”
“No—”
“Don't be silly; of course she did! I was waiting for a shipment and I can't possibly think of any other reason for a pony to randomly approach me with a lovely bouquet like this.” Pinkie sniffs at the flowers and nods her approval.
“But Pinkie—”
“You're right! I can't use the flowers like this! I'll need a matching vase, some ribbons, water balloons, and streamers!”
“Uh...” You raise a hoof to object, but it's clear that she isn't paying attention. She zips off before you can say anything else. Not only did you not stand out, but your attempt at being romantic has resulted in Pinkie Pie going on a shopping spree for party supplies.
The way to a pony's heart is through the stomach, as the old saying goes. Pinke Pie has a known love of sweets, so a box of chocolates is an obvious choice. However, she's also a connoisseur so she'd be likely to spot anything cheap. To improve your chances, you bought yourself a very expensive box of chocolates that were imported all the way from Prench city of Maris. They cost an entire bag of bits, but they're guaranteed to impress your date or your money back.
With your head held high, you strut out before her. Pinkie waves and blows a rubber-ducky bubble. You're not sure how she managed that, but you can't help but grin. Reaching back, you grab the tin of chocolates and present them to her. “Pinkie, I—”
“Oh my gosh! Are those real orange-scented, double-dipped, caramel and croissant, chocolate chunks?” She holds the tin up to the sun and reads the label. “Wow! They're the genuine article too, and not a cheap knockoff. I didn't know that anypony was selling chocolates like these here.”
“Pinkie, I'm not selling—”
“Of course you aren't, silly, because I just bought them.” She tosses a bag of bits at your feet then pops the top of the tin off and takes a deep breath. “Mmm, these smell really good.”
“But Pinkie—”
“What? You mean I shouldn't eat them? Oh, that's right! This is date chocolate; it's meant for couples.” Pinkie shuts the tin and looks you in the eyes.
You can't help but notice just how big and beautiful hers are. They're as vast as the sky and as wonderful as a serenade of chickadees. You grin and prepare yourself for asking her on a date.
Pinkie Pie blinks and backs away. “Of course! Sassaflash has been feeling pretty glum lately, but a nice, romantic gesture from her coltfriend would be a great way to cheer her up! Did you know that these chocolates are guaranteed to wow your date or your money back? I've got to find Caramel!”
Before you can say anything else, she zips off. You catch one last glimpse of her stopping to pop the tin and eat a chocolate before she's gone for good. She muttered something about taste testing them to make sure they're perfect.
Dejected, you hang your head and stare at the bag of coins at your feet. Well, at least you got your money back.
You haven't really introduced yourself yet, so it'd be awkward buying an expensive gift, but at the same time, you want to make an impression. Reaching down, you dust the dirt off a stone from the street. This one is gray with a white vein of quartz running through it. The overall shape vaguely resembles a heart. All in all, it's a nice-looking rock.
Holding it in your mouth, you walk over. Pinkie spots you and waves. She blows a bubble that looks like a miniature grand piano. Smiling, you shake your head. Only Pinkie could do something like that.
Spitting out the rock, you present it to her. “For you.”
“What?” Pinkie Pie grabs it and twirls it around on her hoof. “It's a rock.”
“And it's not just any rock; it's a super-special, nice-looking rock.” You flash a grin and wink.
“Well, that is true. I mean it does look nice, but... why?”
You bow. “You're such a nice pony, I thought I'd get your attention so I could ask you for a date.”
She looks up from the rock and stares. “A date? With me? Uh...” A tumbleweed rolls by, chased by a bunch of children with giant fans.
Uh oh, perhaps you were a bit too forward. You fiddle with your mane and ask, “Pinkie, when was the last time somepony gave you a rock, specifically?”
She taps on her chin. “Well, now that you mention it, I haven't been given an actual rock rock sine I lived at the rock farm. I always used to get rocks on my birthday, but I just get rock candy now. Hmm, I guess that counts as a rock too, since it's made from real rocks, but it tastes so much yummier! That reminds me of when my sister Maud came to visit; so the last rock I got was on second Saddlesday of the fourth moon this year.”
You grin. “It sounds like you just gave me a date.”
She peers at you with narrow eyes. In all fairness, that was a pretty bad joke.
“Seriously, though, I do have something special in mind if you'll give me a chance. You can always back out if the date doesn't go well.”
“Well, I suppose that's true. What do you have in mind?”
She deadpans and glares. “Seriously? But I work there! What kind of date is that?”
“Uh...” You frown.
“Wait a minute—this is just a ploy for some free food, isn't it?” She snorts and tosses the rock in the fountain. “Well you can forget it! The Cakes complain that I give away too much free food as it is. I can't bring home a freeloader as well! Sorry, but I'm on to you, bub. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find some ponies who actually appreciate me.” With that, she grabs her bubble solution and walks off.
You almost had her too, but you went and suggested something dumb. Better luck next time.
“What?” Pinkie raises an eyebrow. “Are you seriously suggesting that we should go and eat grass off the ground?”
“Uh, yes?”
She holds up her rock, then looks at you and cocks her head. “I can't tell if you're horribly cheap, or some kind of nature freak. Either way, I'm going to have to say no. That's just too extreme in the wrong direction.”
“Wait! It's neither of those. I, uh, was thinking of cows.”
“Cows?”
“Yes?”
Pinkie snorts and glares. “I look like a cow to you!?”
“Er...”
“I was being nice, but you've mooved me otherwise. I'm seeing red, and that's no bull. You're an udder failure, and your pathetic attempt at romance should be put out to the pasture. I'm going to herd off, and leave you with that cud to chew on. Bye!” With that, Pinkie storms off.
Well, you certainly got a reaction out of her, but it wasn't the one you wanted. She had a cow and trampled you with bad puns. For shame.
“I'm inviting you to visit my Fortress of Solitude,” you say.
She looks at you with wide eyes. “You have your own fortress?”
“Of course. I am an alicorn, after all. Every one of us does get our own castle at some point. If you'd like to go, I'll prepare a sky chariot and my guards will pick you up next Friendsday.”
“You bet!”
•♥•
It took all week, but you cleaned and dusted your Fortress of Solitude until it sparkled. Your brooding, living abode has never looked so great. The walls themselves groan at your ministrations, but they allow you to have your fancy. In truth, the Fortress of Solitude is a magical wizard's tower from an ancient era. The building has a mind of its own, but you're sure that your guest will enjoy her stay. You've set out a nice, romantic, candle-lit diner for two.
Right on schedule, your royal guards fly up with the sky chariot and trumpet their horns, announcing her eligibleness, Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie.
With wind under your wings of your own making, you fly out to greet her. She is a stunning sight, dressed up in an elegant ballroom dress that's adorned with candy corn, gumdrops, and frilly lace. The most beautiful gem of all, of course, is Pinkie Pie herself. Her bright smile is as radiant as the sun itself, and even with howling wind in her face her hair is just as poofy and wild as ever. This is a pony that you'd do anything for (except, perhaps, taxes).
With your heart aflutter, you grace her with a cloud-walking spell and ask her to enter via your balcony. You'd let use the main entrance, but your Fortress of Solitude is, well, foreboding. It'd kill the mood if she saw the unfriendly-looking giant spikes and huge, nastily-worded unwelcome signs.
Pinkie Pie giggles and hops on the cloud carpet that you roll out for her. Despite being narrow, flimsy, and overlooking a massive drop from the windy mountaintop, she races along without a care in the world.
Flying to keep up with her, your heart lurches when you spot an iron plate that appeared in the wall beside the balcony. In rusty words, the sign reads, “STAY OUT! This is the Fortress of SOLITUDE.” Your castle must not have appreciated your efforts to circumvent its dire warnings. Thus, it shifted itself to make one visible.
Well, it's not a big deal. You fly ahead and open the window. With your magic, you pull open your black, chain-reinforced curtains and hold them up so that they cover up the wayward sign.
Pinkie didn't seem to notice, but as soon as she hops off the cloud carpet onto the stone floor of the balcony proper, her eyes widen. She looks down and all of her legs tremble. Is that Pinkie sense? What is she—
With a sproing, your castle launches Pinkie into the air with a giant spring. She screams and flails her legs as she sails through the air over the horizon and into the clouds. Your guards rush to catch up with her and your heart sinks. You've ruined your only chance. There's no way that she'll agree to a second date now.
Dropping the curtain, you glare at the wall. A second sign has popped out, and this one reads, “That means NO GUESTS ALLOWED!” How could you have forgotten? This place is cursed. All who reside here are forever doomed to live a life alone.
“I'll reserve a booth at Daffodil and Daisy Diner,” you say. This seems like a safe choice, as it's in town, well known, and different enough from her usual routine that she probably doesn't go there often.
Pinkie nods her head. “Okay. I'll meet you there next Friendsday. Is six o-clock fine?”
“Yep! Enjoy your rock and I'll see you then.”
She gives you an odd look, but smiles as you wave and walk off. You can hardly believe it; you've managed to score a date with the Pinkie Pie herself. Of course, this was just the easy part. The hard part will be getting her to agree to a second one.
The week passes without incident, although you feel as though it lasts forever. You can't help but fret over her constantly. She's just a pretty face, right? Why are you so worried? Of course, she's so much more than that. Well, she could be so much more than that if your date goes well. Her sheer quantity of energy and endless bubbly personality makes other mares seem like dull lumps by comparison.
That's well and good, but you know for a fact that she doesn't feel the same way about you... yet. Great, now you're even more nervous.
Before the big event, you spend hours grooming yourself in front of the vanity. The Daffodil and Daisy diner isn't a formal joint outside of catered events, but you do want to make yourself look as nice as possible within reason. Never truly satisfied, you eventually give up and walk out once the hour draws near.
Ponyville is bustling with activity, and you step aside as a cart full of vegetables rolls by. It looks like Carrot Top had a bumper harvest this year. If only you could be so lucky on your date. You slick down your mane once more and run off towards the diner.
When you get there, it looks like Pinkie Pie beat you. You're a bit surprised considering how early it is, but she's not known for being predictable. As you approach, you notice that she's fussing with her hair. Holding a can of grease, she's trying to slick it down so that it stays flat. As soon as she spots you, it instantly poofs out again.
You try to suppress a laugh. Suddenly, your own hair problems seem minuscule by comparison. She looks torn between fighting with her mane and running over to greet you. You flash a smile and she gives up on her hair, hopping over.
“Pinkie, it is such a pleasure to see you again,” you say. You grab one of her hooves and give it a light kiss.
“Oh, you charmer.” Pinkie flutters her eyelashes and pulls her hoof back.
A rustle catches you attention. Siting in the outdoor dining area, Rarity is sipping tea and ostensibly has her face buried in the local newspaper. Your nervousness springs back twice-fold. Of course Pinkie would have told her friends, and of course they'd want to keep an eye on things. You can't see the others, but you're fairly certain that they'll show up in a heartbeat if you screw up. You gulp. You'd best give Pinkie her best date ever, or else.
Pinkie brings you out of you introspection with a question. “Hey! Since you're here so early, why don't you tell me more about yourself? I guess you know who I am, but what about you? What do you do for a living?”
You remind her of your name with a charming smile. As for what you do, well...
“Well... the truth is, I'm kind of a freelance worker. I specialize in growing sculpted plants, so a lot ponies hire me for one or two items and have somepony else take care of the regular work, assuming they don't just do it themselves. It's pretty good work as I get to travel and meet a lot of new faces, but my jobs take long enough that I can get acquainted with the locals before I have to move on. My real home's in Ponyville, of course, but the friends I've made abroad are pretty good at lining up work and keeping me busy.”
“Sculpted plants? You mean like hedges that look like ponies?”
“If only it were always that easy.” You chuckle. “I've also braided trees together and created living bridges from roots and vines.”
“How do you manage that?”
“Vines are pretty easy, because once they get long enough, you can can move them wherever you want and they'll grow from there. To start the root foundation, though, you'll need a hollow tree trunk that spans the gap. Coax the roots to grow through it, and by the time they reach the other side and dig in, the tree trunk should start to rot. It can take a long time, but with patience and care you can have a perfectly serviceable bridge.”
Pinkie whistles. “I don't think I'd have the patience for something like that.”
“It can grow on you after a while.” You wink at her and nod your head towards the diner. “Come on, let's take our seats so we can order some food. All of this talk about plants is making me hungry.”
“You mean you clear the clouds and whatnot?” Pinkie asks.
“Rainbow Dash does most of the cloud-busting herself. The weather I'm talking about is more of the seasonal variety like spring showers, winter snow, and summer thunderstorms. That kind of work is very demanding for short stretches, but also lends itself to a lot of free time.”
“Free time? What kind of hobbies do you have?”
You chuckle. “Well, it's less of a hobby and more of a second job. I have a knack for creating finely controlled winds. In the off-time, I've been known to help as an 'atmosphere technician' for photographers, stage-actors, and pop artists. It takes just the right amount of breeze to whip up a dramatic wind without messing up hours of mane-styling work, which can be a problem if they use fans. Plus, being able to move the clouds around can help if they need to adjust the natural lighting.”
“That sounds pretty interesting. Why don't you do that kind of work full time?”
You shrug. “That kind of work is specific to certain gigs and I just don't have the proper skills as a cosmetician or tailor to join an entourage full-time. I'd rather not be relegated to menial labor so...”
Pinkie snickers, “I guess you could say that you're just winging it.”
You snort. “Yeah, well, if you give me a chance I'll blow you away! Come on, let's take our seats so we can order some food.”
“An architect? You mean you build houses?” Pinkie asks.
“Close. I design them actually, and I work with all types of buildings—not just houses. I even designed a water tower once.”
“Really?”
“Yes, but it wasn't my best work. The mayor chewed me out for submitting a design that wasn't secured properly. How was I supposed to know that every giant monster that comes through Ponyville likes picking up the water tower and walking off with it?”
Pinkie chuckles. “Yeah, I don't think I would have thought about that either. So aside from that, what's it like? Designing houses?”
“Uh, stressful.”
Pinkie frowns.
“Well, I do like my job, but clients can be a real pain when they ask for unreasonable features, constant modifications, and there's always that one pony who feels like he can do the job a lot better than me despite the fact that I'm a trained professional and he's not. On top of that, construction crews are always trying to cut corners by using cheaper materials or skipping ahead several steps. Often times, mistakes that I get blamed for are due to not following the design I've laid out.”
“That sounds pretty awful. How do you handle it?”
“By staying positive, of course. You just have keep smiling and let others know that no problem is the end of the world. I think you've experienced similar, actually. Ever had a day when your client wants to move the wedding you've planned for tomorrow to today, but you're busy fighting a bugbear, and are suddenly glad about that?”
Pinkie snickers. “Matilda is a sweet mule, but yeah, I know what you mean. The bugbear might have been trying to kill me, but at least it wasn't shaking me by the collarbone and screaming that its life was about to be ruined forever.”
You nod. “True, that. Come on, Pinkie, let's go get some food.”
“It's a place called Tresni Fles. It's a bit of backwards land where—”
“Wait. Backwards? If you spell that backwards it becomes—”
You chuckle and grin. “Wow, you caught on quick; most ponies don't notice that unless it's pointed out directly. I do admit that it's a strange name, but it fits the populace well, as the residents tend to be weird, eccentric, and rather boisterous. I'm actually fairly normal if you ignore the whole 'alicorn' thing.”
“That sounds like an exciting place.”
You roll your eyes. “Exciting, annoying, what's the difference? Honestly, it's less charming than it sounds.”
“Hmm...” Pinkie taps on her chin. “Why are you here, anyway? If you're an emissary, shouldn't you be up in Canterlot? I mean, it not like I don't mind your being here or anything like that, but that's where those types usually hang out.”
You slowly nod your head. “Hmm, I don't think it would hurt to give you a better picture. In truth, my mission here is more of the clandestine nature. When we'd heard that you'd released Discord, we felt it prudent to keep an eye on things. Equestria's always been a center for magical weirdness, but when we heard about that, we thought you'd gone stir-crazy. Naturally, we felt it prudent to keep an eye on things.”
“Discord...” Pinkie flattens her lips and growls.
Pointing at the diner, you say, “Perhaps we should talk about more pleasant things. Diner first? I promise I'll treaty you right.”
After briefly introducing yourself, you feel as if your date is going okay. She's interested now because you're new and different, but since you're not a party pony and don't have a talent that can be easily applied to that, it'll harder for you in the long run. You're not doomed, of course, but you'll have to try extra hard to show her that your personality is a close match for her. What you choose to talk about over diner and what you choose to order will have a huge impact on your success.
You show your reservation to the waiter and he nods, directing the two of you to a private booth for two. It's dim inside with most of the light coming from a large candle on the table. The way her face shines under the flickering light is truly enchanting. You feel like you could sit there and stare into her sky blue eyes forever.
She picks up the menu, but rather than look it over she simply stares at you. “You know what? I'm feeling adventurous. I'll let you order for me.”
“Me?” You gulp. You'd best make a wise choice. Tearing your eyes off of her, you scan the menu yourself. After some deliberation, you pick the item that you think she'll like the best. When the waiter comes back, you whisper this so as not to ruin the surprise. He raises an eyebrow, but you grin. Professionally, he writes down your order and walks off.
Pinkie Pie is folding the napkins into little origami flowers. While that's super-cute, you'd rather not let her get bored. You should strike up a conversation before the food arrives, but what should you talk about?
As fellow earth ponies, you feel as if the best way to build comradeship is to make fun of the other races. You comfortably lean back in the padded seat. “You know what they say about pegasai?”
“What?” Pinkie asks.
“Those featherbrains have their heads in the clouds so much that they're all air heads.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, and you know how to tell when a unicorn's not having a bad idea? When he's asleep!”
“...really.” Pinkie deadpans.
“Yes, really. What do you get when you cross a vulture with a toilet? An alicorn!”
“That didn't even make sense.”
“Sure it did. They're full of bad ideas that should have died long ago and flush away all our tax money.”
Pinkie groans and flops her face on the table. You sure are going strong; you'd best keep it up.
“Do you know what happens when a pegasus and a unicorn go to a bar? Nothing! They both got lost.”
“Why—”
“Because the unicorn's so snobby he's got his nose turned up all the time, and the pegasus has his head in the clouds all the time, that's why. Now, do you know what they call—”
“—an earth pony who does nothing but spout racial slurs?” Applejack walks up and glares at you.
“Applejack, what are you doing?” You ask.
“Ah'm kinda wonderin' the same thing about yerself. You do know that Pinkie's best friends are unicorn, pegasai, and alicorn, right?”
Pinkie looks up and glares at you. “Yeah! You know what I call a racist earth pony? A bad date!”
Applejack nods while you mouth gapes open. “C'mon, Pinkie, let's go get some icecream or somethin'.”
Deftly, she slips out of her seat and they both walk away through the crowded restaurant. Ponies glance at you and shake their heads. Why did you ever think that insulting Pinkie's friends would have been a good idea?
“Hey stop! I already paid for dinner!” You yell, but they've already gone. No amount of food would ever have been able to fix your blunder, anyway. You fail.
Pinkie likes silly things, so the sensible thing to do is to climb up on the table, stand on your head, and quack like a duck. It's completely foolproof; nothing can possibly go wrong. Grinning at her, you brush back your mane and wink. Slowly, and with flourish, you set a hoof onto the table, and then another one.
Pinkie raises an eyebrow. “What are you doing?” she asks.
You pull your third hoof off the floor and rest it on the table as well. Then you hop up. Pinkie slinks back in her seat. The table wobbles as you lean down, putting your weight on your forehooves. Kicking off with your hind legs, you fling them up in the air until they're balanced above you. “Quack,” you say, “quack quack.”
The patrons in the diner stop what they are doing to look at you. Pinkie's eyes widen and her mouth hangs open. Wow, she must be really impressed! With careful balance, you 'waddle' around on the table. Your antics knock over the condiments and you hear the ketchup break on the floor. “Quack,” you say, and do little hops while standing upside-down. The table creaks under your weight.
The waiter runs up with a scowl on his face. “I say! Just what are you—”
“Quack! Quack quaaack.” As if on demand, the table snaps and collapses. You go tumbling down and knock the waiter over. “Quack?”
“That's it! Get out of my restaurant! Out out out!” You try to get back up, but the waiter recovered faster and is dragging you by your tail. You're leaving a trail of smeared ketchup behind and several ponies gasp, averting their eyes.
Pinkie's flush from embarrassment and does nothing to help you. “Just my luck—my date was a complete quack.”
You talked about yourself before, so it makes sense to talk about Pinkie now. Before you speak, you lean back and gaze at her beauty. She might not be as radiant as a pony like Rarity, or as elegant as a pony like Fleur Dis Lee, but she does have a charm of her own. Her endless energy coupled with her happy demeanor makes her one of the most uplifting ponies around. Plus, she smells nice too. Is that perfume?
“Pinkie,” you say, “has anypony ever told you just how wonderful you are?”
“Wonderful? Me? Well sure; there's Maud Pie, and Rainbow Dash, and Twilight, and Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and Fluttershy, and—”
You can't help but giggle. “Pinkie, you're quite lucky to have so many ponies who think so highly of you, but what I meant to ask was: has anypony told you how beautiful you are?”
She blushes and tries to hide it by slinking back, but you can't help but notice her furtive smile. “Maybe?”
“Well, 'Maybe' has the right idea, as your eyes are like sapphires that glisten in the sun. Your voice is like a melody played straight from the heart. Your mane is like a river, wild and untamed, that carries forth the primal joy that bursts from your being.”
“Oh stop, you. You're embarrassing me.”
“But you haven't even heard the best metaphor yet. Upon a soil made from doom and gloom, your smile is like an earthquake that tears open the ground. Red hot love and joy spill out like your tongue pouring over a juicy cupcake—”
“Now you're just being silly.”
You chuckle. “Well, yes, but you can't say that you're not enjoying it.”
“I am, but I have something to tell you: your mouth is like a waffle iron. Just when it starts to warm up, it clamps shut and mangles everything caught inside.”
“Touché, Pinkie, Touché.” You give a slight bow and perk up when you hear the hoofsteps of the waiter. He comes bearing a large, covered tray. “Speaking of mouths, it looks like our food's here.”
The waiter gently places the tray on your table and lifts the lid to reveal...
The boiled, red crustacean lies atop a bed of rice and is garnished with sprigs of parsley. The whole dish steams and smells with a distinctive seafood aroma.
“What is that?” Pinkie pokes it with a fork, which tinks against the lobster's shell.
“It's—” you take a moment to glance at the menu “—genuine boiled lobster, fresh from the sea.” The menu also says, 'a delight to griffons everywhere' but you decide not to read that part aloud.
“Lobster?” Pinkie narrows her eyes and stares at its beady eyes. “Are you sure it's even edible? It looks like a giant bug.”
“What? Of course it is! I certainly paid enough money for it.” You snap off one of the lobster's tiny legs and pop it into your mouth. It has a mildly salty texture unlike anything you've tasted before, and your eyes widen as you chew on it. “Mmm, crunchy,” you manage to say after forcing the bite down. “Now you try some. It's good.”
Pinkie also breaks off a leg, but is far more reluctant to put it in her mouth. She examines the tiny limb, twirling it around on her fork. Her eyes go wide and she drops it back on the platter. Looking past you, she grins widely. “Fluttershy? What are you doing here?”
You swivel around and come face-to-face with an irate pegasus. You wilt under her gaze.
“I came because somepony ordered lobster for their date.” Fluttershy frowns and pokes the dish with her hoof. “In case you don't know, they boiled this cutesy-wootsy little thing alive just so that you could feast on its remains.”
“What?” Pinkie pales.
“Hey, it's not that bad.” You point at the lobster. “It does kinda look like a big bug. There's nothing bad about killing bugs, right?”
“Uh oh.” Pinkie averts her eyes.
Fluttershy glances at her flank where her cutie mark of three butterflies is visible. She then glares at you and...
The next think you know, you're stuffed in a trash can. This did not go nearly as well as you'd hoped. Perhaps you should have thought twice before ordering seafood for somepony who's best friends with Ponyville's primer animal lover.
...tiny steamed rice balls wrapped in spinach leaves. There are three in total. You carefully cut one in half and slide that plus one whole ball over to Pinkie's side. In addition to the main course, the waiter places two glasses of water on the table.
“Where's the food?” Pinkie asks.
“This is the food.” You poke your rice ball with your fork and pop it in your mouth. It's bland and unseasoned, just the way you like it.
Pinkie, however, is using a pair of tweezers to hold hers. “Are you sure? Because it looks so tiny...”
“Of course; there's nothing quite so healthy as a ball of rice wrapped in spinach leaves.”
“Healthy? Are you saying that I'm fat?” Pinkie sets down her tweezers and and grabs her tummy, pinching a fold of fat.
“Well, you are a little pudgy, but don't worry; a strict regimen of healthy diet and plenty of exercise will get you in shape in no time. I personally can't stand ponies who let themselves go over something as trivial as food. Anypony who dates me should be fit and trim.”
“...really?”
“Heh, well, it is an ideal, but it's one that I hold in high regard. Of course, since it's our first date and all I decided to splurge a little. It's time for dessert.”
Pinkie perks up at the mention of dessert, but looks around confused. You slide the extra half of a rice ball on your fork and eat that too.
“Please tell me that wasn't your dessert.”
“Of course it was. Do you think I'd actually indulge in sweets? Pah! There's nothing more unhealthy than that.”
Pinkie glances around and shifts in her seat. “Uh, I need to go freshen up a bit. I'll be right back.”
“Hm, sure, go right ahead.” You sip from your glass of sparkling calorie-free mineral water.
Pinkie walks off, but instead of returning, you see Rarity walk in. The white unicorn slides into Pinkie's seat. “Is that eu de oryza? That's one of my favorites.” She levitates the rice ball and takes a daintly little bite off the side.
You blink. “Uh, yes, but what happened to Pinkie Pie? She said she was going to be right back.”
“Well, she got held up a bit by a seven layer, double fudge, chocolate-dipped cake. But don't worry, I can fill in for her and tell her what an amazing date she had later. Oh my, is that pure, sparkling, mineral-free springwater? You sure know how to treat a lady right.” Rarity takes a sip, and you can't help but wonder just went wrong. Perhaps if you hadn't insulted Pinkie and her diet, she wouldn't have walked out on you.
Pinkie sniffs at the air, taking in the potent aroma. “Mmm, that smells good.” She reaches down to grab one, but you hold up a hoof.
“Wait a minute, Pinkie. I have a neat trick that I want to show you.”
“Oh?”
You bite down on your tongue and wince as you pull forth your magic. It's a complex spell, but with some effort, you bring the cinnamon sticks to life. They immediately hop up in the shape of stick figures and start dancing.
“Aw, they look so cute.” Pinkie rests her head on her hooves as she watches them dance about.
You can't help but smile with her. “Yep. That's my favorite spell. It's guaranteed to make any sort of food entertaining.”
Pinkie giggles and leans down to whisper to them, “Hey, can you do the pony foxtrot?”
The cinnamon figures bow before hopping around, kicking their legs out at random.
“D'aw, I don't think they know what means, but they're trying so hard! These are just the most adorable little things ever.”
“Yes, and they're quite tasty too.” You reach down and grab one by its head. It struggles futility as its legs dangle in the air. Popping it in your mouth, you bite down and its struggles cease as you chew it up. The explosion of concentrated cinnamon flavor nearly makes you sweat. This diner sure knows how to pack in a lot of flavor.
The other cinnamon figures flair around and run about wildly. They rush up to the edge of the table only to stop and balk at the drop. Pinkie's eyes widen and moisten with tears. “You ate one!?”
“Of course. They are still food.”
“But they're so tiny and cute and look at how they run around! If they had mouths, they'd be screaming!”
“That's the best part. I just love pantomiming as a giant predator. Go pounce on one. It's a lot more fun than it looks.”
“Uh...” Pinkie watches as two of them tie together napkins, forming a makeshift rope they can use to climb down from the table.
“You're letting them get away.”
“Look, I don't mind make-believe playing with my food. But making it real like that? I can't really bring myself to eat something cute.”
“Nonsense. They're still food.” You grab another one and shake it about before popping it your mouth. “Give it a shot; you'll love it.”
Pinkie winces and glances at the two cinnamon stick-figures making a bid for freedom. “Um, sure. Your wanton act of cruelty has totally convinced me to change my ways. She scoops up the two stick figures, but winks at them instead of eating them. “Uh oh, these look like they got a bit dirty from walking around the table. I'd better go wash them off.” She leaves, never to return.
...a key lime pie. The waiter gives you an odd look, but drops off your glasses of lemonade and walks away.
Raising an eyebrow, Pinkie points at it. “Pie? For supper?”
“Yep! You might say that I wanted some sweets to go with my sweet.” You wink at her.
She snerks. “I hope you didn't order this just to make that pun.”
“Of course not. I plan on eating it too.” You take a deep breath and lick your lips. “Mmm, looks divine.”
With a sly grin, Pinkie grabs her knife and cuts out a thin slice of pie. Then, she picks up the entirety of the rest and shoves the whole thing in her mouth. You gape and drop your fork. Slurping, smacking, and munching, she gobbles the whole thing down in one huge bite. With a whip of her tongue, she cleans off the batter, crumbs, and whipped cream from her face.
“Aah, that hit the spot.” She leans back and give off a satisfied sigh. Watching you gape, she chuckles. “Hey, it's not that bad. I left you a slice.”
A scanning electron microscope would have trouble measuring the size of the slice she left for you. “That you did, Pinkie. That you did.”
You carefully transfer the 'slice' to your plate, mindful that a slight breeze could send it fluttering away. There's barely enough left to taste, but make a show of savoring it anyway. At least you have a huge glass of lemonade to sip on.
Your diner might not have gone quite as you'd expected, but she's happy and that's the important part. You'll have some time before the diner closes and you'll need to leave. Things have been going well so far, but you can't just be 'okay.' You have to do something that will make a lasting impression. What should you talk about?
Well, the best way to make an impression is to tell her about how wonderfully amazing you are. That should be easy, because you are wonderfully amazing, at least in your head. You fidget in your seat and stretch your wings. Of course, you should tell her about how awesome you are in the sky. Since she's an earth pony, she'll have no way to call you out on your ridiculous claims.
“Say, have I told about what a great flier I am?”
“Oh? What kind of tricks can you do?” Pinkie asks.
“I like doing the double-corkscrew seesaw powerdrive. It's a radical, fast-paced stunt that only the most skilled of professional athletes can pull off. It's not for the faint of heart.”
“Double... hmm...” Pinkie taps on her chin. “Odd, I think I heard about that before.”
You gulp. You hadn't expected her to be a fan of the Wonderbolts. Shifting slightly, you decide to try something else. “Well, that's not my only stunt. I'm also pretty good with clouds, if I do say so myself. I can whip up a rolling thunderstorm and reverse-barrel dance, dodging lightning and piling up hail into neat ice sculptures.”
“Wow. That does sound pretty neat.”
“Yep! And I'm also so fast that I can dart through the entirety of Ghastly Gorge without ever once coming close to a torn bush or a quarry eel.”
“Oh, really now?” An irate voice startles you, and you glance back to see Rainbow Dash walk up.
“Uh, hi, Dash.” You slink down in your seat. This can't be good.
She snorts and glares at you. “I couldn't help but overhear you claim to be able to pull off signature moves of two of the greatest fliers in history, plus that thing with Ghastly Gorge? I do that.”
“Hey, that's right.” Pinkie hold up a hoof a squints. “You took me to that show once, and Fleetfoot did that thing with the screws. It was really neat!”
“Yeah, and I'm willing to bet that your date can't even come close to pulling off something like that, isn't that right?”
You gulp. “Uh, well, I can spin a few times, and not fall out of the sky, if I'm lucky.”
“Sorry, Pinkie, but your date's a total blowhard. If you really want to see a pony do some amazing aerial stunts, look no further than me! I've been practicing and can almost do that hail thing, but the lightning's still touchy. If I lay off the light show, I can totally make a lump-shaped ice sculpture. You wanna see?”
“Sure!” Pinkie hops out of her seat and runs off. You start to get up but Dash slaps you back in your seat with a gust of air.
“Sorry, but you blew it.” Rainbow Dash leaves you sitting there as she walks off. You can't help but gnash your teeth. She stole your date!
The best way to leave a lasting impression is to be as romantic as possible. It's good that you came prepared. A little studying can go a long way.
“Pinkie, I just want you to know how special this night has been. I wrote a rhyme all by myself, and it's just for you.”
Pinkie leans down and rests her head on her forelegs. She looks up at you with a smile on her face.
You clear your throat and begin.
“The sky above can't match the depth of the beauty in your eyes. Your voice is calm and pure, singing like a hundred lullabies. A hundred thousand bits couldn't buy such lovely skin. Your hair is smooth and clean, clear as a beloved violin.
“When the sky's blue, and the wind's calm, I see your face and I have no qualm. When the wallet's full, and the music's right, I see your face and it is bright.
“Your happiness is my happiness as our futures are intertwined. Well, what I'm trying to say here is this: will you be mine?”
“Aw, that's so sweet.” Pinkie blushes. She holds out a hoof and opens her mouth, but another pony speaks first.
“And it was written by somepony else.” Twilight walks up, giving you a dirty look.
“Uh, no,” you say, “I know it sounds a bit like Cantering's Woo, but I only used that for inspiration. If you compare them, you'll find that they're completely different.”
“No they're not! You recited his rough draft! That's exactly what he wrote word-for-word.”
“Wait, you mean you didn't write that?” Pinkie puts down her hoof and frowns.
“Uh, sorry, Pinkie. I just thought it would be romantic and wanted to do something special.”
Twilight snorts. “Well, the poem is romantic, but your claiming it as your own is a huge no-no. If you were honest about who wrote it, then I wouldn't have a problem. But now? Pinkie deserves better than a plagiarist.”
“Wait, you're going to give up on me over that?” You ask.
Pinkie sighs. “Well, yeah. We had a lot of problems with Suri Polomare who copied Rarity's dresses. I don't really want to associate with somepony like that.”
You're crushed as Pinkie walks off and Twilight follows. Why did you have to be so insecure as to copy somepony else's work? Why?
Pinkie's a fun-loving pony, so the best way to cinch this date is to make her laugh. You have a poem you memorized, but it's more romantic than silly. Well, with a little 'modification,' you can certainly change that. It's time for some fun.
“Pinkie, I've had a wonderful evening so far, but you know what would make it even better? A noun.”
“A noun?” Pinkie gives you an odd look.
“Yes. It doesn't have to be something fancy. Whatever comes to mind will do.”
“You mean like pie?”
“You're still thinking about food?”
“What? It was good.”
You pull out a napkin and jot down 'pie'. “Yes, I know. I tasted it. Now how about another noun?”
“Another one? How many words do you need?”
You tap on your chin and do a little mental math. “Uh, about a dozen or so.”
Pinkie leans on the table and cocks her head at the napkin you're scribbling on. “What is this for?”
“You'll find out soon enough. Please bear with me, okay?”
“To speed this up, can I have a list?” She flutters her eyes.
Huh. You can't say no to that. “Uh, sure. You tap on your chin and think about every word you'd like to change. Then, you write out a list for her:
Noun: pie Noun: Adjective: Adjective: Verb Ending in 'ing': Number: Number: Plural Noun: Plural Part of the Body: Adjective: Adjective: Noun that rhymes with Part of the Body (above):
She takes one look at it, nods, and scribbles in her entries. You glance it over and everything looks okay:
Noun: pie Noun: napkin Adjective: ginormous Adjective: pink Verb Ending in 'ing': sniffing Number: -56 Number: 18.4 Plural Noun: yaks Plural Part of the Body: wings Adjective: loud Adjective: hungry Noun that rhymes with Part of the Body (above): silly strings
“Thanks, Pinkie. This is perfect. I now present to you your improved version of the first part of Cantering's Woo.
“The pie above can't match the depth of the napkin in your eyes. Your voice is ginormous and pink, sniffing like negative fifty-six lullabies. Eighteen point fouryaks couldn't buy such lovely wings. Your hair is loud and hungry, clear as beloved silly strings.”
Pinkie Pie cracks up and rolls on the floor laughing. “That was beautiful.”
“I'm glad you enjoyed it. The last pony I tried this with put down 'butt' for every entry. It didn't work so well.”
“No, I suppose that wouldn't.”
You slurp down the last of your lemonade. You're still hungry, but the diner's closing up. Well, it looks like your date's coming to an end as well. Pinkie picks herself up off the floor and you gaze into her eyes.
You grab Pinkie and pull her close, smacking her full on the lips. She squirms, and pushes you away. Flush on the cheeks, she covers her mouth and stares at you with wide eyes. Somehow, she doesn't look happy.
You step forward and she bolts, leaving you in the dust.
This did not go well. Shadows in the room deepen and the waiter walks around, snuffing the candles. You had her in your grasp, but you blew it. She's still young and naive, and isn't ready for that kind of commitment yet. She will be eventually, but you tried to rush things and drove her away. You had her in your grasp, but you blew it.
You hang your head in shame. Perhaps in time you can ask her out again, but she's going to want a lot of time alone first. Violating her privacy like that wasn't the right thing to do. You should have at least asked first, but no, you went ahead and did it anyway.
You grin at her and sigh as the waiter comes by to clean off the table. That's his subtle way of telling you that your meal's over and you should leave. Well, you reserved the booth all evening, but the way he's walking around and snuffing candles indicates that it's closing time. You wish you could stay longer, particularly with her, but Pinkie has her own life to get back to and you're not quite part of that yet. You're on the threshold of being something more, but ultimately it's up to her to decide if she wants you or not. You can, of course, keep nudging her in that direction.
“Pinkie, thank you for the date. I had a wonderful time.”
“Aw, you don't have to thank me. I'm the one who should be thanking you. I had a wonderful time too, and pie! That was good too.”
You snicker. “Yes, that did look good, what little of it I saw. I think I missed half of it when I blinked. But that's okay, the Pinkie Pie I saw the rest of the time was even better.”
Pinkie chuckles. “You're not so bad yourself.”
You grin. “If you like me so much, how about another date? Does next Friendsday sound good?”
Pinkie's eyes widen, and she frowns. “Uh, I'd love to, but I have an anniversary party to plan on that date. Hmm, Saddlesday's booked too, with a birthday party and a recital. Sunday, Moonday...” She taps on her chin. “What about Hoovesday?”
You frown yourself. “I have an important meeting on that date. In my line of work, I can't just blow somepony off. Wingsday's kinda iffy. Can you make Hornsday?”
Pinkie taps on her chin. “Apple Bloom has her cute-ceañera planned for that date, but she does that every week and always cancels it at the last minute. So unless she does actually get her cutie mark, sure I can go then.”
“That's almost two whole weeks. Do you think you can manage that long without me?”
Pinkie rolls her eyes. “Well, I do have your neat-looking rock to remember you by.”
“Heh, well I'll take what I can get. Thanks again, Pinkie, and be sure to tell the peanut gallery what an amazing fun time you had tonight.”
“Peanut gallery?”
You point at a window, and three heads duck down when Pinkie turns to look. “Your friends. They've been watching us the whole time.”
“What!?” Pinkie runs over to the window. “You guys! What are you doing here? I thought I told you that I could handle myself.”
You can't hear the response, but Pinkie snorts and jumps out the window. For once, you're not sad to see her leave. You both had a wonderful date, and she agreed to a second one. Right now, you feel like you're on the top of the world.
