Equestria. A perfectly harmless haven for all that is good and right, right? Well, our hero, me, will have to find out the truth, and that truth is out to get me.
I am Groot. Just kidding, I am actually just Ryan. A plain boy with a plain life who wants to make something of it by joining the army like his friends. But things are never that easy are they? EENOPE!
What if this plain boy with a plain life could make something of it? What if he could make a difference somewhere?
Life has something in store for this boy, and I sure as Tartarus want to know.
I hope you enjoy this story. Yes, it's a self insert. Watcha gonna do 'bout it? All comments are appreciated, whether it be grammatical errors, typological errors, improvements on what has been said, ideas for what should happen next, or just criticism, I will take them all into account.
I may ask questions in the author's notes so keep an eye out for those.
I have one proof reader, a Luna-tic, but I need one more. PM me if you're interested.
Finally, remember that this is a HiE fic, so don't discriminate it for that reason alone.
I do not own My Little Pony, those rights belong to Hasbro, nor do I own any of the things I may reference. However, I do own myself, which I find surprising considering my parents, teachers and colleagues throughout the years. Any resemblance to real people or fictional characters are purely on purpose. Do not consume with alcohol. Read label before consumption. If you are concerned about any reactions or side effects because of this product, consult a doctor or your GP. Terms & Conditions apply. See in stores for other offers. Please drink responsibly.
I was deployed with the best tech money could buy: advanced SMG's with holographic displays, heat-seeking grenades, next-gen HUD, you name it, we probably had it. Bit that doesn't change war. War is just a bunch of angry rich people sending normal citizens to go kill or capture other angry rich people over something as petty as an oil field or revenge, with false words, like "God is on our side.", and with newer tech so we felt powerful and in control. I never bought into that crap. What kind of God would side with people who kill people for other people's potential money?
But that never stopped me from joining.
I was an average soldier. I had no medals or commendations, and the only thing that made me stand out was the most degrading thing that they could possibly have given us. Dog tags. You know why they call them dog tags? Because owners put them on dogs to identify them and contact the owner if found. They treated us like pets, feeding us, training us. And that's what we were. We were the governments lapdogs. We were talked to like common animals, like we were stupid.
In a sense, I suppose we were dogs. Like pit bulls. Like dogs in an underground dog fighting match, where owners pitch their dogs against each other for a small reward.
My parents never approved either. They thought it pointless and that I didn't get paid enough to put my head on the block over a petty land claim or whatever it was they were squabbling over this time. But it gave me purpose, like I could be part of a major change, or like I could actually make a difference. I knew I couldn't, but there's no harm in trying, right?
I hated war as a concept, but I did what I had to do. I was basically told from day one that if a superior tells me to point and shoot, then I had to do so without hesitation, even if it was to kill a puppy. I remained emotionless as I was told to do these horrific things. I felt no emotion for the enemy, no matter how gruesome their death was. It was just another death in war.
On my first tour, I had been on the front lines I the conflict. Cannon fodder, they called us. I paid them no mind. On that tour, I had eighteen confirmed kills, which was nothing compared to the enormity of this war. Some were by bullet, some were by blade, one was even by hand, me hitting him in the chest, causing his heart to stop. I'm not sure if you know, but when a heart beats, there is a fraction of a millisecond calle the T-zone. This is the point in a heartbeat where the heart is stationary, before it expands again. It happens at least once or twice a second. When the heart rate increases, like his did in the fight, the chances of hitting that T-zone multiply by three. I'm not proud of that kill, but nor am I regretful.
There were eight people in my squad, including me. I won't bother giving you their names or backgrounds. That's all useless now. I was that one guy that on the HMG on top of a humvee that everyone outside the army wanted to be but everyone inside it feared to be. It was the most exposed part of the vehicle, an the hardest to get out of.
That day, the day life decided to change it's mind about where I should live, I was on patrol with my squad when we were ambushed by a near unseeable opponent. They killed two of us before we could react. We took cover in a stone building with hollowed out windows and doors. We knew the specs of their weapons. We knew how many shots they had to take before reloading. We knew how long it took on average to reload. We used this to our advantage. Whenever we knew one of them had to reload, one of us would pop up and put a round through their chest or skull, all the while hoping that we wouldn't be sprayed with bullets.
We fought for hours, eventually thinking we had cleared them out. Thus, we turned to go towards base, two dead soldiers in our midst and a further three injured, one of which wouldn't be finishing his tour. Or going on any more. His arm had been shot clean off by a high-powered rifle.
It was as we passed the bodies of the dead insurgents that I realised one was still alive, and he lay in a puddle of his own blood, sidearm drawn and pointed at my head. Then he fired, and everything went purple.
More specifically, I was falling through a purple wormhole, leading to a white light at the bottom. I reached the bottom and passed through the light, barely registering that there was a library on the other side before I hit something. Hard. That was going to hurt in the morning.
"Spike? Was that you?" I heard a female voice shout. Wait... I thought. I recognise that voice.
I heard footsteps from what I assumed was a... Kitchen? That confirms it. Well, that and the voice. I am now in Equestria.
"Spike? What wa- Holy Celestia, a human!" Came the voice that I could safely assume was Twilight. At least, I assumed so since my face had become one with the table.
Being the perfectly normal person I was, I responded, "Really? I thought I was a Centaur."
"Hilarious." Deadpanned Twilight. "Firstly, I would like to be the first to say 'welcome to Equestria. Mind the table on your way in." She giggled. "Secondly, stay here. I need to go get my friends for this. Well, I doubt you'll be going there due to you deciding to adapt the ancient art of becoming one with my table."
"Okay." I said. "I am going to use those when I write this as a story."
"You do that." And with that, the door closed, leaving me in the library with a younh drake staring at me from the stairs and an owl now perched on top of my head, which was still buried in the table, bleeding because I had most likely broken my nose. Of course, I was still in sensory shock, so I couldn't feel it to it's full extent.
"This is going to be one of those days, isn't it?" I said.
I was still there, face embedded in the table, when Twilight came back with the rest of the mane 6 three hours later. I had been asleep, probably from my broken nose, but now that I was awake, it hurt like hell.
"Calm down, darling. You're only in a different world. It could be worse." Replied Rarity.
"Honestly Rarity," I replied, lifting my face off the table. "There are two things you neglected in that sentence. Firstly, going to another world is a pretty big deal considering I most likely can't go back. Secondly, the reason I'm screaming is not because I'm in another world, it's because, just in case you hadn't noticed the blood or the crater in the table, that I have a BROKEN NOSE!" I pointed at my misshaped nose with one finger. While I was talking, I also noticed that the injury had made my voice more nasal.
Rarity was, needless to say, shocked that I knew her name. But wouldn't you be if a strange being from another world was flung into your friend's home ad knew who you were?
"How do you know her name?" Twilight asked, a questioning look on her face. Before answering, I shook my head to rid it of the owl perched on top.
"Actually I know all your names. Why? Because where I come from, you're all part of a popular TV how called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, that's why." I'm hindsight, it probably wasn't the best thing to say in that situation. I appeared to have literally broken the mane 6, except Pinkie, who I'm guessing already knew due to her breaking the fourth wall like a vase balancing on a pin on top of a broom handle 500m above a metropolitan area.
Pinkie broke the prevailing silence. "I TOLD YA!" She shouted at the others.
Applejack was the first to recover. "So, what yer sayin' is that we ain't real?"
I saw this as my chance to go all wibbly wobbly. "Actually, you are real. This is actually an example of a theories that I've had! The theory is that in all of space-time, there is a link between different universes or dimensions so that one can observe another via visions or dreams. This is what I believe to be the case for the creator of the show, Lauren Faust, and she took these visions that she saw and made it into a TV show. This link between dimensions may also be the reason why I ended up here."
"A what now?" Came Applejack's response.
"Just think of it as a bunch of giant balls of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff that collide and make links. Better?"
368 metres away
A light brown stallion with a dark brown mane and tail with an hourglass for a cutie mark sneezed. A light grey pegasus mare with a blonde mane, crooked eyes and bubbles for a cutie mark said "Doctor, are you okay? You're not having allergies are you?"
"No Ditzy, I'm not ok. Someone stole one of my lines."
Back in Books and Branches Library...
"Not really, sugarcube."
"My science is lost on you. I bet Pinkie got it though." Said mare nodded when I said that. "Thought so."
My science-y talk had brought Twilight of of her reverie. "Anyway, we should tell the princess about this. She would want to know."
It was at this point that I realised something. Twilight had called her 'princess' and not Celestia, therefore had not accepted her position as Celestia's equal, and that I was in the LIBRARY! Wasn't it destroyed by Tirek. That meant that I was either part way through season four or that I was between series three and series four, most likely after the movie, being that she knew I was a human.
"Say, Twilight?" I called, standing up straight.
"Yes?"
"What was the last event or problem you had before I arrived?"
"Well, I guess the most recent one is the Equestria games, why?" She asked.
"Well, shit. I hope you never had an emotional attachment to this library. It's gonna go boom pretty soon. Might I recommend moving all books to one of Applejack's barns for the next week or so until after the next event happens?" And now I broke Twilight.
"B-b-....wah?...I...what?" She stuttered, her face betraying that she was mortified at that. I wish I hadn't continued.
"An old villain of Celestia's called Tirek will show up and stuff is going to happen. I won't say any more."
"That's foreshadowing if I ever heard it!" Pinkie said. Well, this is Pinkie, after all.
"Oh, I want to ask you something, Pinkie." I said, walking to where I presumed the bathroom was to grab a wet towel to clean the blood off my face before setting the bone.
"Okey dokey Loki! Fire away!"
"Can you teach me Pinkie Physics?" I grinned.
If it was possible for Pinkie to smile more, it would envelop her face. "You know about Pinkie Physics!?"
"Eeyup."
"*gasp*" her face then became more serious. "But you must answer my question. What is the best flavour of cake?"
This was it. The moment I had been waiting for my entire life. I grabbed a sword from... Somewhere... And held it aloft, setting my right foot on top of a chair from... Somewhere else... And yelled to the high heavens so loudly that I must have awoken Odin from the Odinsleep. "ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Correct! You win! Tell him what he's won, Twilight!" Pinkie said, pulling a microphone from wherever she keeps these things. I could only grin at Twilight's confused face.
Whilst Twilight was blubbering her response, I retrieved a towel and ran it under the tap before cleaning away the blood with it.
Rainbow Dash suddenly got up in my face, having snapped out from the earlier revelation tht she was just a TV character. "Are you a SPY!? Huh? Are ya!?" I squee'd at this. It's not every day that you an do this.
"Am I the spy!? Who says you aren't the spy, huh!? What if you're the spy here, sent by Celestia to monitor her star student while she's in Ponyville so she doesn't step out of line and go against Celestia! You feelin' lucky, punk!?" Needless to say, Rainbow was petrified by my response, earning a muffled laugh from Rarity, who had now broken out of her shock.
"Okay, guys, is there somewhere I can lie down around here? I'm about to set the bone in my nose." I said, causing Fluttershy to snap out of it.
"Are you sure?" She said, flying up to me. "Setting a broken nose can be awfully painful."
"I know, 'Shy. That's why I'm lying down. Because the pain will most likely knock me out." I responded.
"Uhh, there's a couch over there you could use." Twilight said, pointing a hoof towards a small couch. Well, small by my standards.
"Thanks." I said before walking over to said couch. I lay down on top and said, "well, here goes nothing."
I saw the whole room flinch as I raised my hands to my nose.
CRACK!
black
Ominous feelings never lead to happy things like rainbows
Needless to say, I woke up in pain. Again. This time, however, I managed to stifle the screaming. Around the couch where I lay were the Mane 6. Celestia knows why they were still there. I mean, come on, I was probably out cold for at least an hour. The creepy thing is, they weren't even paying attention, just staring into space.
I stood up, startling the lucid ponies as I rose. They all jumped a bit but were happy to see that I was fine. Upon instinct, I reached a hand up to my broken nose to see if it still hurt. Isn’t it funny how we do that? We suffer from an injury and so we constantly poke at it to see if it still hurts like it did last time. Luckily for me, someone, or rather, somepony, had covered it with a bandage to keep it in place until it set. *cough* Fluttershy *cough*
“Uhh, I wouldn’t poke at it, if I were you.” Said Twilight, clearly concerned as I absent-mindedly poked and prodded at the injury, as if it would heal from poking alone.
“My broken nose, my rules.” I quipped as I continued.
“Anyway, we have decided to take you to Canterlot to go see Princess Celestia. She needs to be aware of your presence. Now let’s see. We need toiletries, spare clothes, paper, extra quills…” Twilight rattled to herself more than anypony. The girls just rolled their eyes as Twilight went into full out star student.
“Anywho,” I said, with Twilight muttering to herself behind me, pacing around the library. “Does anypony want to ask me any questions or anything before we go?”
“Yeah,” came Rainbow Dash. “How come you walk on two legs? It’s freaky as tartarus. Do you lose balance easily because of it? Also, what is that you’re wearing? It looks like desert camo or something.”
“One at a time, please.” I chuckled. “To answer your questions, firstly, I walk on two legs because of evolution. Where some species developed to walk on four legs, ours were made to balance on two. I’m not sure why we developed like that, but it may be something like intimidation by height or the fact that we learned to use tools earlier on in our evolutionary cycle, so we walk on two legs to allow us to use the tools. Secondly, No, it’s quite hard to knock a human off balance, despite the disadvantage posed by their length" Here is where I decided not to explain the center of balance thingy to her. "Our legs make it easier to adapt to an environment change so we can keep our balance without expending excess energy or throwing our weight around. Finally, this is desert camo. I was in my country’s army.” Surprisingly, Rainbow and the others had kept up rather well.
“Okay, so what country are you from, exactly?” piped in Rarity.
“I’m from a country called England. It’s relatively small but once owned more than half of the world. An old saying says, ‘the sun never sets on the british empire,’ which shows how far we had expanded our empire. It also has a lot of heritage but is often the butt of any posh joke, where people believe that all English citizens have posh accents and are upper class, drink tea in their conservatories and watch Downton Abbey.”
“Two questions.” Pinkie said. I nodded to her with a thumbs up. “Firstly, you said British empire, not English empire.”
“That’s because we’re also know as the british, England being in great britain and all.”
“Secondly, what’s Downton Abbey?”
“A boring TV show about rich snobs from nearly 100 years ago and all of their first world problems.”
“What’s a TV?”
“A...uhhh...A magic box that shows pictures and basically brainwashes our people into watching a load of garbage that no-one in their right mind should enjoy." I explained. I'm looking at the Kardashians here when I say this.
"Okey dokey loki!" And with that, Pinkie started... Well, I have no idea what it was, but I'm guessing it was just Pinkie being Pinkie. It was something akin to a glitch, which I'm guessing She probably is at this point: The Living Glitch.
"Right, so when do we all leave for Canterlot?" I asked. This stopped Twilight in her tracks, who was previously busying herself in stuffing everything into a small suitcase. I still have no idea how it all fit. There must have been some kind of pocket dimension inside of it.
Twilight checked the clock on the wall. "The train leaves in about an hour." With that, she continued her frantic, physics-defying packing.
What she said had confused me. Why hadn't the other girls started packing? Were they going to go there nak- I forget that they are naked all the time.
This started my thoughts going. From what I saw of Manehatten, they always wear clothes, no matter what. The same goes for what I've seen of Canterlot. I haven't seen anypony wear clothes in Ponyville unless for an important occasion. Did this mean that Ponyville was a nudist colony?
With a shudder, I mentally slapped myself to get that image out of my head before asking the question. "Uhhh... Shouldn't you girls be packing, you know, to go to Canterlot?" I asked. I was ill-prepared for the proverbial shit-storm I had brewed with that question.
The girls had cleared out in seconds, destroying almost everything and knocking most of the books off of the shelves.
No matter. It was all gonna go kaboom pretty soon.
...
Thank Celestia I never said that out loud again.
Within 45 minutes, I had been pushed to and fro while Twilight got ready. Needless to say, I need to remember to stay out of her way when she's planning and readying herself.
We soon got moving. For the time we walked, I noticed something strange. Now, I'm not saying that I felt unwelcome in town at first, but I received a lot of odd stares on the way to the train station. It still fails me how Twilight forgot that she could teleport us there.
The station was empty, the only ponies being the railway worker and the mane 6 with a still-quiet Spike. Noticing this, I decided to make conversation.
"Hey, Spike?" I said, gaining his attention.
He gave me a wary look but responded anyway.
"Yes?"
I asked the first thing on my mind. "Why are you staying quiet? It's unnerving, to say the least."
"How would you feel if a strange being fell from a portal onto your table, told you that you were a TV character, then knocked himself out by resetting his nose?"
This gave me pause. I hadn't thought about that. I never realised what effect that this could have on these ponies. They've been through Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and Discord again, an they were about to go through Tirek and Discord once more.
"That's a fair point." I said. "So, how are things for you? Being Twi's number one assistant, I mean."
"It's... Pretty nice. I get to see Twilight growing with her magic as well as helping her keep organised, and she is one of the few people to treat me like a respectable adult, which I actually am, being just a few years younger than her myself."
"That was the single greatest explanation of how one feels about someone that has ever been said. Seriously. What you said only shows her characteristics and how much you care for her. You didn't compare anything to what she's done for you and given you, and it's nice to see that you put her good characteristics before her feelings for you." I sniffed at that. Most people I've asked about people they care about talk about how the person they love buys them flowers and chocolates and beer and everything, but Spike put what he can give to her and how he can learn from her before that.
"Bro, are you crying?" Spike asked. Dammit. I hadn't been subtle. Time for excuse delta-dash-three-seven-omega-epsilon-five.
"I'm not crying. It's liquid pride." Genius.
"Shining says the exact same thing!" Twilight shouted over to us.
Just as she did so, the train whistle sounded in the distance. Pinkie jumped up and down energetically, shouting "OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSHICANTWAITTOSEECELESTIAANDLUNAAGAINANDMAYBECADANCEWILLBETHERETOOTHENWECANALLPARTYWITHCAKEAND-MMMPPHHHMMPMMPHH" she was cut off by a yellow hoof being shoved in her mouth. When Fluttershy does that, you know you better be quiet.
We all stood there, facing straight ahead, faces neutral, barring Fluttershy's, which held some semblance of barely contained annoyance. Nopony talked as we boarded the train.
The train ride was actually quite fun. Mostly because I got to talk to Spike more, but it was also scenic, I guess.
Fun fact: Spike can play the guitar. Really well, apparently. That, I ought to see.
The walk through Canterlot to the castle was identical to the reactions of Ponyville. What could I honestly have expected, though? You live with ponies your entire life, you're gonna be surprised to see a giant hairless ape in desert camo (which was not at all lightweight, by the way. I would have to ask Rarity about some clothes.) walking through a densely populated city.
I still never quite understood how the city stood. It's supports appeared to be made out of marble, which is quite strong, but it shouldn't be able to support that weight, Including the citizens and tourists, with transport and a castle. I took physics. Not possible.
That aside, I still enjoyed the city sights. Everything was in pristine condition, the sun reflected magnificently off the buildings, the pavements shone with wealth, and the castle itself was a sight that would make a poet weep.
The only thing I disliked was the nobles. I swear, I could have shot above their heads and hit a nose.
We were let into the castle without issue, which was odd because, well, me, and began our voyage to the throne room, me hoping all the while that nothing bad would happen.
Three thousand miles north west. Location: Badlands.
The badlands were a rough place to be, even for predators at the top of the food chain. Carnivorous plants in the jungles, temperatures exceeding 90 degrees at day, dropping below 0 at night in the desert. If you didn't boil to death or get eaten by anything while travelling, you would likely freeze while sleeping.
But, in this acrid land, there lay a few small villages. These were protected by climate control spells, designed to keep heat in at night, and lose it during the day.
Not far away from one of these towns stood a lone wooden shack. This shack was bland on the outside, and was no better on the inside. There lived but one pony in this shack. The heat never bothered him, nor the cold. He always wore a cloak, hiding his face, the only thing visible being his charcoal coloured fur.
He arrived at his home, cloak on shoulders, and closed the door behind him. He drew the blinds, blocking out the light as he set to work with his chemicals. These chemicals were poisonous to a normal pony, but he was no normal pony. No, he was a being of the shadows.
He mixed them endlessly, heating and cooling, shaking and stirring, until he was finally satisfied with the result after three hours. The liquid contained in the flask was a dark purple, emanating a black mist.
He pulled it up to his lips and drank greedily, the dark power filling his very soul, and he never felt more powerful.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" He laughed in a deep maniacal voice. "Twilight Sparkle, you and your friends better batten down the hatches, because there's a storm coming, and it's going to wipe you clean off Equestria! HAHAHA!!! KING SOMBRA HAS RETURNED, AND YOU WILL ALL KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!!!!"
Back in Canterlot Castle
I shuddered as an ominous feeling enveloped my senses, putting me to my knees, my breathing ragged.
"Uhh... Are you alright?" Twilight asked, coming to my side in an instant and catching my fall.
"Yes.... Just.... I felt something. Something of greater power than I've ever dealt with... It's probably nothing..." I strained between breaths.
"That's foreshadowing if I ever heard it." Warned Pinkie.
"Let's just go see Celestia, then we can sort this out." I stood up and walked on without another word, reaching the doors to the throne room in about a minute, and pushing them open.
I walked inside the throne room and instantly had two spears thrust in my face. Not a good idea. I've always had a twitchy reflex system, and a fast one at that, having to grow up in the bad parts of Liverpool. That, combined with my training, my already decent fighting skills given to me by several days worth of video games and higher than average IQ (156, for the record), and aggression problems caused by several issues growing up, resulted in two knocked out guards and me holding two spears within three seconds.
I forced myself back to a calm demeanour, and turned to the princesses. "I do not appreciate having sharp sticks shoved in my face when I walk through a door." I quipped, throwing the spears out of the way. Not exactly my best introduction.
Luna was in uproar. "THOU WOULDST DARE ATTACK OUR GUARDS IN FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES!? THOU MUST TRULY HAVE A DEATHWISH!" She screamed in the Royal Caps Lock, standing on her two hind legs for emphasis, and charged up her horn for a powerful attack.
"In all fairness, they tried to kill me first. They'll wake up in an hour or two." I said, trying not to sound intimidated. Truth was, I have never been more fearful of anyone in my life, not even my drill sergeant.
"PREPARE TO PERISH!" Luna screamed, before a peeved-off-looking Celestia held her back and pushed her to her seat.
"What is the meaning of this, human?" Celestia said harshly.
I bowed respectfully. "Princess Twilight took me here to meet you. I am surprised she is not at the door yet." Celestia maintained her stare as I spoke.
"How do you know of my former student?" She questioned, eyes narrowing as she did so.
"I fell through a portal on to her table, hence the broken nose." I explained, standing up.
It was at that moment that Twilight and company showed up.
"Took you long enough." I smirked.
"I'm sorry for my lateness Pr- I mean, Celestia. We just- SWEET FAUST WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE GUARDS!?" Apparently, Twilight had noticed my mess.
"They put spears into my face without even waiting to see if I was hostile. I do not appreciate that." I said, hands clasped behind my back.
"You WHAT!?" She screamed in shock and anger. This was not going well.
"Calm down. Jesus, they'll only be knocked out for a couple of hours at most." I said, waving my arms in a downward gesture, a signal for her not to lose her shit.
Twilight only glared before turning back to Celestia. "I apologise for his bluntness. He arrived earlier today by apparently head-butting a table so hard that he teleported to this demension." She said mirthfully, clearly mocking my 'spectacular' entrance.
"Oh, shush, you." I said faux-seriously, smiling a bit at the joke.
"And why, might we ask, didst thou bringeth it hither? 'Tis it not a dangerous creature?" Luna asked skeptically, narrowing her eyes.
"He does not very much like being called a creature. And I am here because I'm the only one of my kind on this planet, the only other humans you have met being from an alternate dimension. Also, whilst travelling here, I sensed a dark power awakening, which, if any fan fics I've read so far give any indication, is most likely King Sombra reborn, and he will be heading this way." I said in the calmest and most even voice I could muster.
This news made all three princesses reel back. Well, it is Sombra we're talking about here (probably).
"Then we should att-" Luna started.
"No, Luna, we need to address our first issue." Celestia interrupted, turning to me. "Do you have a name, human?" Her motherly tone from the show was returning.
"Yes, I do. I am Han Solo, fastest flier in the galaxy." I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud. Luna saw right through it, however.
"Whilst we doth appreciate thine "Mare Wars" reference, we wish to know thy true name." Sweet Celestia, Geeky Luna lives! And there's a pony version of Star Wars.
Added to bucket list.
"Fine, I'm Ryan Meyler, ok?" I said.
"That name is preposterous!" Luna said.
"Well, thanks for the compliment! Now you only need to insult my mother and my hair style, and you've won!" I sarcastically answered, hands on hips.
"Wait, that is thy real name?" I nodded. "We art truly sorry about that. We meant no offence to thee." Her ears flattened to her skull and she looked guilty, glancing at the floor.
"Hnnnnnngggggg!" I screamed, clutching my chest and collapsing to the floor. "Too..... Adorable...... Can't....... Breathe........"
Luna blushed at this.
I stopped having a heart attack and looked at her from my position on the floor. "It's fine, Luna. I knocked out your guards, and you insulted my name. It's called Karma, I believe." I stood on my feet again.
"Your words are too kind." Luna gushed. "We wish to pay thee back for our behaviour." Holy Buck! I just accidentally hit on the Goddess of the freaking moon! And she blushed!!! It's like a fanfic!!!!!! I am being shipped with Luna!
"Y-you needn't worry about that, Luna. 'Twas but an honest mistake." I promptly bowed at that.
"Sorry to interrupt you two love birds," Shut up, Trollestia! "but should we not be questioning his motives or how he knows that it's Sombra on the loose?"
I decided to give her the pleasure of a non-sarcastic response. "I have no motives. I never planned for this. As for how I know it's Sombra, the dark feeling I had had an aura of fear and anger in large supply, and the only beings that I know of who could have that much in reserve is Sombra or an angry Twilight."
"Hey!"
"But I'm guessing you have larger concerns." I said, pointing to a half written scroll next to Celestia. "I take it that a villain called Tirek has escaped from Tartarus, and fully intends on destroying the planet?" Celestia nodded in shock. "Good. Send Discord to deal with him. Discord will no doubt fail his task and trust Tirek, who he thinks of as a friend. Then give Twilight all of the alicorn magic to hide it from him, using it against him when he arrives at Ponyville after Canterlot. They will have a showdown and Twilight gets a castle. SO SAYS THE WORD OF THE HUMAN!" I said, grinning ear to ear.
".... What?" Celestia said.
"Just do it. I'm trying to keep it canon here."
"Are you high?" RD asked.
"Possibly, but I might be just insane, but also smart. Trust me on this one."
"..."
The room was quiet.
"Don't you have a villain to stop?" I instructed more than told.
We all walked our separate ways to prepare, and I overheard Luna whispering to Celestia, "I like this one. He's cute."
I blushed at this (What? Men can blush! And she called me cute! How was I supposed to react?) and decided to ask a royal guard to escort me to a spare room, hoping to prepare myself for a supper that no doubt would be served later on.
The dark brown earth pony guard dressed in full gold armour and a sword attached to his barrel nervously trotted ahead of me, leading me to the room where I would be staying. I had found him just outside the side exit of the throne room, and had quickly asked him to take me to the room where I would be staying. He looked in the room to see if all was well and came across the two unconscious guards, which had unnerved him a bit, but I informed him of the situation. I’m still not sure how he knew where I would be staying nor how he didn’t hear the ruckus in the first place, but I try not to dwell on it.
As we walked through the halls, a strangely familiar voice popped into my head.
You’re capable of so much more than what you did to those two guards, yet you show respect to these pitiful cartoon horses?
I recognised the voice. Quite well, in fact.
Seriously? I’ve got Sombra in my head as well as preparing to fight him?
I am far from Sombra. We used to share the same body, but no longer. I am one they call Dark Star!
Hasn’t that been used before?
NO!
Because I’m pretty sure that…
I said, NO!
Sheesh, calm down “Dark Star”. ThoughI’mprettysurethat’sthenameofanOC
GRAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
I stopped winding him up when we arrived at the bedroom. The guard gestured towards the door before quickly trotting off to… well, do whatever the guards do except fail to defend a city.
The room was quite spacious. On my right was an en suite bathroom complete with what I hoped was a working shower, and in front of me was a large poster bed with white sheets and two attached bedside tables, one on each side. Opposite the bed was an oak wardrobe and at the far side of the room was a glass door leading to a balcony with what I must admit was a good view of Canterlot. And to top it all off, a God of Chaos was floating in the centre of it all.
Wait.
What?
“Discord, why are you here?” I asked the smirking Draconequus.
“Well your arrival here caused quite the disturbance,” he said, snapping his talons and making a glass of chocolate milk appear, before drinking the glass and throwing away the chocolate milk, which shattered on impact with the floor, like only Discord could do. “And when I heard what you did in the throne room, angering Sunbutt like that, I simply had to see you in person.”
“You could at least be original.” I commented, glancing at the shattered chocolate milk.
“Whatever do you mean?” Wow. Discord actually seemed confused.
“The whole ‘drink the glass and throw away the milk’ routine. You’ve done it before.”
“What? But how did you know?”
“I come from a dimension where you’re all TV characters.” I said simply, sitting on the bed.
“Rather abrupt, don’t you think?”
“Well, imagine how Twilight and the girls reacted?”
Discord suddenly summoned a directors outfit and an old-fashioned camera. “Oh, how I would have paid to have seen that. I could have recorded it all and watched it over and over again!”
“Is that all or is there more?”
Fuel to the chaotic fire.
I found myself in a tuxedo standing in a navy blue astral plane with Discord, who sported a suit of his own whilst standing next to a spinning wheel. “LET’S PLAY ‘WHAT SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT NOW’ WITH YOUR HOST, THE GOD OF CHAOS, CREATOR OF MISCHIEF, YOU KNOW HIM, YOU LOVE HIM, IT’S DISCORD!”
“Thanks Scott.” Discord said before turning to me. “Tonight mares and gentlecolts, we have a special guest, Ryan! Here’s how to play. You just spin the wheel and whatever it lands on is our topic of discussion!”
I rolled my eyes and spun the wheel, which landed on ‘Future plans’. Why do I get an ominous feeling?
“Good spin! Oh have I plans for you!”
“With all due respect, Discord, I’d rather not know.” We disappeared from the astral plane, only to reappear in the room in Canterlot.
“Harumph. Fine then.”
“But I was wondering if you would like to hang out and cause chaos some time?” Fun fact: as much as I like order in some things, chaos is always fun to bring into the mix. And this may be just the way to keep some semblance of sanity, by releasing it every so often.
“Hubba-whu?”
“Yeah. Why don’t we meet up sometime and cause chaos? It could be fun for the both of us.”
“Wait, really? So, what you’re asking is if I want to be your friend so we can hang out and bring chaos to unsuspecting victims?” I nodded. “YIPEE! This will be so much fun!” As soon as he said it, an alarm popped out of nowhere and rang.
“Oh, that’s my cue. Ta-ta!” With that, Discord abruptly left.
Well, that was random.
You can say that again.
As soon as ‘Dark’ said that, the entire room shook with tremendous force. The windows shattered, drawing my attention to them, and giving me a view of what happened outside.
Outside, I could see a main city wall crumbling apart as a dark shadow enveloped the remnants. I grabbed the telescope that was conveniently placed on the balcony and looked through it, immediately identifying the floating red eyes with purple and black smoke emanating from them.
There was no doubt about it.
Sombra had arrived.
And he was not happy.
The head-on approach is always good for nightmares
I bolted through the long and luxurious halls of Canterlot Castle as fast as my legs would take me, which I only hoped would give me enough time to armour up and defend Canterlot from the monstrosity knocking at it’s metaphorical doors.
It was as I was running that I noticed the distinctive click-clack of dress shoes on tile. Looking down, I realised that I was still dressed in the tuxedo that Discord had willed into existence. This was a problem. My army gear was perfect for the situation and contained a lot of supplies I would no doubt have needed. The tuxedo, however, did not. Normally, fighting in a tux would have been badass. But against King Sombra, Ex-tyrant of the Crystal Empire, lord of the shadows, and master of dark magic? It would only serve as a hindrance.
Running through more halls, I eventually came across a large concentration of guards gathered outside of a closet-like room. Time to get armoured up.
“WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE!?” I bellowed, putting on my best angry face in an attempt to scare them into revealing who was in charge immediately.
“I AM!” Came a louder reply from the middle of the crowd. The guards parted and none other than Shining Armor stepped forwards. I internally fanboyed at that, but I kept a stoic face in an attempt to look professional. “Who or what are you!?” He stomped his hoof for emphasis, his glare matching mine.
My expression dropped immediately into a friendlier one. “Major Ryan Meyler of the royal british army, at your service.” I bowed at that. So maybe I lied a bit about my rank, but I don’t think being a Private would command respect.
“What?” He looked at me, slightly dumbfounded.
“I would be requiring a set of armour and a sword if you have any to spare.” I said in the most posh accent I could manage without breaking down in laughter.
“What?”
“Well, how else do you expect me to fight Sombra? With a sharpened stick?”
“What do you gain from helping us?” He asked skeptically.
“The chance to kick Sombra’s smoky ass into the next millenium. The trust of the princesses. The fun of sword combat. What more do I need?”
A few tense seconds were passed in silence. Finally, he spoke.
“Alright. I’ll see what I can do. But be warned: if you so much as hurt the feelings of someone I love, then I will not hesitate to bring the full force of the royal guard down on your head.” He warned, to which I only chuckled.
“Thanks for your help Captain Armor. If you do have the required items, take them to the throne room. That is where I will most likely be.” A boom resounded throughout the castle. “And hurry. I doubt the guards will hold him off for long at the wall.” I turned to run to the throne room, but I turned back for a second. “Oh, and Shining? Try not to get yourself killed.” With that, I sprinted off.
On approach to the throne room, I spotted a golden opportunity. Ever since I was a young teenager, whenever I saw a closed set of double doors, I had an inexplicable urge to charge at it and perform a flying kick to boot it open. I only hoped it was not locked as a result of the emergency status.
I sprinted harder, my legs screaming in protest at my speed. I leapt deftly off my left foot, my right taking the lead. My body twisted anti-clockwise just a bit as my left foot tucked in under my right. Then my right came in contact with the gap between the two doors at an angle, slamming the two massive doors aside with the impact, allowing me to land perfectly on my feet, sliding across the tile for a couple of metres.
In the room were the two sister princesses and the elements of harmony. They all turned in shock, readying weapons in preparation to fight Sombra. Then I realised they were all in full battle armour. And they all held either a sword, battle axe, or dagger.
What?
“Why are you all in armour? Why do you even have armour?” I questioned.
They lowered their weapons and Twilight spoke up. “Well, we fight a lot of villains, and not everything can be stopped by the elements of harmony, especially now that they are stuck in that tree.”
“Seems legit.” I responded. Then I looked around the room, only to see hundreds, if not thousands, of wood splinters on the floor. I turned to the door and noticed that there were two metal hooks protruding from each door, that would most likely hold a wooden barrier to bar the doors closed. And they were sticking at odd angles.
The door hadn’t been unlocked.
“Did I really kick that hard?”
“Eeyup.”
“Wow.”
“Eeyup.”
I looked to where they all stood, or flew in Rainbow Dash’s case. They were stood around a strategy table with a map of Canterlot dotted with troop positions on top.
I skidded over to the map. One glance told me all I needed to know.
“This plan is a load of shit.”
Everypony was taken aback by this.
“WHAT!?” Luna burst out.
“Simple. You have divided your forces into three parts, two of which would be easily enclosed, and the Captain’s segment are in the open. Sombra is not a slow moving army bound to only two dimensions of battle. He is a near unstoppable force that can move at dizzying speeds, become intangible at will, and also fly.”
“Oh, like you have a better plan.” Luna countered.
I gave my best shit-eating grin and responded smugly. “Yes, in fact, I do.”
A minute later, I had come up with a new plan of attack, just as Sombra was just about finished with the remaining contingent of guards at the wall. Hopefully, casualties were kept to a minimum.
Thankfully, Shining mysteriously had armour to fit a humanoid and what would be considered to the equines a long sword. I quickly put the armour on and prepared to do battle with Sombra.
“Red leader, standing by.” I said, the reference being obvious. Unfortunately, it was lost on the equines.
“Red one, standing by.” Said Twilight.
“Red two, standing by.” Came Rarity.
“Red three, standing by.” Came Rainbow Dash.
“Red four, standing by.” Came the surprisingly firm voice of Fluttershy.
“Red five, standing by.” Said Applejack, the lucky mare. Why did I make her red five? I wanted to be Skywalker.
“Red six, standing by.” Pinkie more shouted than spoke.
“Gold squadron, report in.” I addressed the princesses. Luna rolled her eyes, but I would be damned if I wasn’t going through with this reference.
“Gold leader, standing by.” Celestia said with a slightly mirthful tone.
“Gold one, standing by.” Said an annoyed Luna.
“Excellent. Now let’s go kick Sombra’s ass.”
I stood atop of the wall, staring at Sombra who was a good two hundred metres away in unicorn form, floating above the rubble of the destroyed section of wall.
I drew my sword and charged ahead at full speed. I leapt into the air as far as my legs would propel me when I reached where the wall crumbled, coming high above Sombra and bringing my sword into a striking position, ready to decapitate him.
If this didn’t work, well, I had planned for that.
Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Why attack somepony this powerful head-on?’ ‘How can you in all honesty expect this to work?’ ‘Are you insane!?’ Those first two you’ll have to trust me on. The last one, however, is a resounding ‘Abso-fucking-lutely’
Just as my sword was rounding on the back of his neck, he flipped sideways, grabbing my arms (somehow) in his hooves and flung me to the ground with enough force to crack the pavement.
Ouch.
Thank Luna for enchanted armour.
Anyway, I slowly got myself to my feet, grabbing my fallen sword in my right hand, just as Sombra landed but 10 metres away. He turned into smoke form (insert smoking pun here) and launched himself at me . I deftly rolled beneath his attack, springing myself to my feet again. He reformed into his physical form again, though not the one I was expecting. Where the shroud once was stood a jet-black humanoid, bringing the dreaded words ‘Equestria Girls’ to mind. In his hand formed a broad sword.
This was either going to be fun, or hurt a lot.
I raised my sword in a Soresu stance (Soresu is Form III lightsaber combat for those of you who don’t care much for Star Wars.).
“Surrender, Sombra, and I may let you live.” I said as calmly as I could, which came out as more of a shaky voice from the adrenalin.
He readied his sword in a Vapaad stance (Form VII).
“So be it.” With that, we launched at eachother, closing the distance in less than a second, our swords clashing in a shower of sparks, no doubt from the enchantments. We broke apart, me completely adopting a Soresu defence whilst he attacked with aggressive Ataru strikes (Form IV) at my head, torso, and legs.
He attempted an overhand locking strike, where I saw an opening. I side-stepped, catching his blade on mine and forcing it backwards towards where I would have been. He stumbled, allowing me to lash out with a brutal Makashi strike (Form II) at his head. He spun quickly along his stumble, catching my killing blow before falling onto his back due to the power behind my attack and his own momentum.
With an impressive display of agility, he shot up from his position in a backflip before I could strike. He struck a Djem So pose (Form V), clearly far from retreating. Good.
I leapt at him with an impressive Vapaad attack, combining speed, strength, and aggression into a series of devastating attacks before switching to Niman (Form VI) and deflecting his counterattacks efficiently. Then, as our blades locked once more, he pushed with enough strength to stop a charging Hydra, forcing me to my knees, where he delivered a powerful kick to my throat, sending me back at least 10 feet and sending my sword flying beyond my grasp.
He strode up to me in triumph, his sword leveled at my neck. “Say your last words.” he spoke in a heavy bass voice.
“One last trick up my sleeve,” I croaked with a smirk. Before he could respond, a beam of energy, a swirl of the colours light blue, navy blue, purple, and gold hit him in the side of the head, completely dazing him, before both Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy swooped down and picked him up, him being too weak and stunned to move. He could only stare in horror as he saw a light blue cannon with the words Party Cannon 3.0 engraved on it’s side manned by Pinkie Pie aimed at him, with Applejack in the barrel, wearing a hat with a large metal spike on top.
The cannon fired, and AJ pummelled into his abdomen, bisecting his spinal column through his stomach, before they fell to the ground, AJ being lucky enough to have RD catch her mid-fall. Sombra was not so lucky.
He lay in a puddle of his own blood on a cracked pavement, his eyes closed in pain. I strode up in front of him whilst the Mane 6 and two Princesses stood behind me. I held my sword in a reverse grip against his throat, my left hand on the tip of the handle.
“Last chance, Sombra. Surrender, or perish.” I said in a neutral tone, my face an emotionless mask.
“Rot… in tartarus…” He groaned, spitting in my face.
“As a lazy tailor would say, suit yourself.” I pushed the sword into his neck and yanked it out, standing back as he thrashed about, choking on his own blood, too weak to heal. He gurgled his last and lay still, finally defeated.
We all stood in silence, recovering from the adrenalin boost. As it left my body, I began to feel faint. I staggered forwards a bit, before collapsing on the stone floor, unconscious.
In the icy tundras of the frozen north…
The ruins of Tlmnar were never active, life being unable to survive in the harsh conditions. Well, at least to an outsider.
Within the ruins were two figures, shrouded in black cloaks, standing around a horizontal viewing portal.
“Do you have what you need?” Came a raspy voice, reminiscent of that of Starscream.
“Yes. All is proceeding well. He is developing far faster than I had hoped.” came the booming voice of the second shrouded figure.
“Soon, we will take over?”
“Yes. Soon. But now, we wait. And we observe. No more.”
I woke up groggily, my vision blurry, my eyes struggling to adjust to the influx of light, a pounding headache, and a feeling of nausea. Basically a hangover. My right arm felt a bit weird around the inside of my elbow and my mind was constantly wracked with an incessant beeping.
As my vision started to clear, I heard a familiar voice say “Doctor! He’s waking up!” but I couldn’t quite place it. The beeping faded into the background and I could see a blur of moving rainbow colours.
My vision eventually cleared and those “rainbow blurs” turned out to be the Mane 6, minus Twilight who had gone off to get the doctor. I looked to my arm to see an IV line coming out of the top of my forearm, with the needle no doubt going further in. The beeping turned out to be a heart monitor.
“Pretty funny how your species is practically medieval compared to mine when it comes to technology, yet when it comes to healthcare, you rival even the science-fiction films.” I groaned.
"How are you, darling?" Rarity questioned.
“I feel like I just attacked one of the most powerful dark beings on the planet and barely won. So, all in all, pretty good.” I replied with a smirk, causing those present to roll their eyes.
It was at that moment that Twilight returned with the doctor in tow. And by the doctor, I mean The Doctor. Really.
“Ah, Mr. Meyler! You’re awake!” He exclaimed.
“Wow! Really!?” I responded with false enthusiasm.
“I know! Amazing!” He retorted in much the same way. I chortled at that.
Twilight decided to interrupt. “So, how is he? Will he be okay?”
The Doctor smiled reassuringly and said “He’ll be fine. I noted a small amount of damage on his trachea possibly from some point in the battle.” Sombra kicking me in the throat came to mind. “But that healed startlingly fast. He has a few scrapes but nothing severe, leading me to believe that the reason for his prolonged nap is just simply exhaustion or a prior lack of sleep. However, there is one thing that I would like to consult you on, Ms. Sparkle. Are you aware he has a level of magic within his body that would rival an alicorn?” If I recall correctly, everyone in the room’s eyes widened immensely.
“What?” Twilight muttered.
“Well, whilst I don’t believe he has the means to tap into this magic like unicorns, it is quite a humbling level of magic."
The room was deathly silent.
“Huh.” I stated. “Well that’s good to know.”
[red]That’s quite the revelation indeed.
Don’t even think of trying to steal it to create a new host body, random part of the guy who I just killed who is now stuck in my head.
We’ll see.
I found out that I had been unconscious for two days after the fight and hadn’t missed a lot. They discharged me from the hospital later that day and the mares, Spike, and I caught a train to ponyville, which would present the immediate problem of finding a place to stay.
“Seriously, dear, it’s no problem if you stay with me at all! I’ll be fine with it!” Rarity persisted.
“Rarity, you’ve already offered your services in making some clothes for me, which I will be paying for, by the way, and I just feel like this would be asking too much of you.” I retorted.
“Nonsense! Besides, you could hardly be any more hassle than Sweetie Belle is.”
“Rar-” A thundering explosion shook the train.
Everypony's head swiveled towards the explosion. Outside in the distance, a large red and black centaur stomped towards Canterlot Mountain.
The train braked hard and I couldn’t help but start to ponder the situation. Did my arrival here mix up the continuum so things happen differently? I mean, Sombra never came back in the show and Twilight sure as heck wasn’t on the train when Tirek attacked Canterlot.
As the train came to a stop, Twilight started briefing the girls. “Girls, I have a plan! Firstly, Rainbow, I need you to speed ahead and start the evacuation! Fluttershy, get as many animals you can to help her. Pinki-”
“No need for that!” I interjected, earning a surprised glare from Twilight. “I already explained this! Twilight, you need to get to the other princesses and take on their magic in order to defeat Tirek when he turns his sights on Ponyville. It’s too late for Canterlot.”
“Never!” She shouted. “How in Tartarus can I leave Canterlot to fall!?”
“You won’t!” I argued. “Everypony will survive and you will have defeated Tirek, meaning everypony will get their magic back.”
“But-”
“Trust me on this Twi. We may have just met a few days ago, but did I not already prove myself against Sombra?”
“I… You’re right.” She relented.
“Good. Twilight, you go on ahead. Me and the girls will just head back to Ponyville.”
Twilight looked saddened at the prospect of leaving her friends behind.
“Go.” I ordered. With that, she turned around, spread her wings, and took to the sky, heading towards Canterlot.
The train quickly started moving again soon after and the girls and Spike simply stared in sadness at the alicorn who was now just a purple spec in the clear blue sky.
We got off the train within 10 minutes and were about to prepare for Tirek’s assault when we heard the distinct flapping of pegasus wings. We looked to the source of the flapping and our collective jaws dropped when we saw it.
Celestia, Luna, and Cadence all landed softly on the grass in front of us. They all looked sad and Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but the words died in her throat.
I looked at the three princesses, noticed their refusal to speak, especially Celestia’s, noticed the distinct lack of a purple bookworm, and came to one conclusion.
“Tirek got to Twilight, didn’t he?” I asked solemnly, already knowing the answer.
Celestia could only nod as a tear escaped her eye.
“I… I don’t know what to do now.” She finally said in a tone that betrayed thousands of years worth of sadness.
I sighed and lowered my head. “Me neither. I don’t know of any alicorns besides yourselves so I doubt you will have the power to defeat him. I-I’m at a loss of what to do. What can we do but sit and watch as Equestria burns?”
We all stood in a dark silence, nopony daring to speak.
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash perked up. “Wait, didn’t the doctor say you had magic levels to rival an alicorn’s?” She asked.
“Yes, but I don’t have a way to use it!” I responded.
“But what if a power boost allows you to use it? I mean, I heard that if a unicorn has more magic than they can hold, then they discharge it. Maybe it will help you find out where the magic will come from?” she suggested.
The three princesses seemed skeptical but slowly nodded in agreement. We all stood back from the trio as they changed position and ‘powered up’ their horns. Their magic burst forth, coalescing in a ball at least 6 feet in diameter.
It built up in intensity before the magic ball shot a beam right at my head. I raised my hands instinctively to protect my face, the force of the magic pushing harshly against me and tearing into my tuxedo. I closed my eyes as the intensity increased.
When the light disappeared, I slowly lowered my hands and opened my eyes. The three princesses lay exhausted on the ground. A tingling sensation formed in my hands. I raised them to eye level and inspected them, tensing and relaxing my fingers.
An idea, more like an instinct, formed in my mind and I pointed my hand forwards, extending a finger at an idle tree. I tensed the muscles in that finger and a beam of magic shot forth, splintering the tree.
“Woah.” Everypony said in awe.
[red]Woah.
Woah
A familiar stomping filled the air, resonating through the buildings, stopping the innocent ponies of ponyville on their daily routines. A shadow leered over us and suddenly everypony froze. Above us stood Tirek, only he was larger than he was at his full height in the show. This did not bode well.
“All of your magic are belong to me.” He stated with a grin.
“Ha! Good reference!” I commented.
He charged up his orangey-black magic between his horns, his grin stretching with each second.
“Any chance that you’ll surrender quietly?” I asked.
His grin turned darker and he laughed deeply beneath his breath.
"I'll take that as a no."
Battle of the semi gods (or the very short battle of a misplaced human)
Compared to how Tirek is now, Sombra was a cake walk. I mean, this guy had already absorbed the best part of Equestria's magic and not to mention an alicorn's magic. So far, not doing well. Meanwhile, there's me, a displaced human who now has the ability to shoot magic beams from his hands but is insufficiently practised.
This is going to hurt. A lot. Again.
He unleashed the spell he had been charging straight at me. I quickly dodged it, and it clipped my leg as I dived. I felt a searing pain where my leg had been clipped and I caught the stench of burned meat.
He then launched another three at me, seeming to completely ignore the others. Maybe he could sense the lack of magic in the princesses and the vast quantity inside me? I deftly dodged them with a dive and roll, landing on my feet and facing the beast.
"You are not fun," I stated, dodging more attacks. "You are the exact opposite of fun. You are the anti-fun." I extended a hand and fired a beam of concentrated magic at him. Clearly not a stroke of genius.
Why, you may ask? Well, Tirek can absorb magic right? Exactly. But what about Twilight in the season 4 finale? Well, what I did was expel magic, rather than form a spell. Tirek cannot absorb spells, and what Twilight did was an offensive spell, therefore it had an effect. But I only gleaned this information at a later time.
He absorbed the hit, leaving him more powerful and me less so. I had no idea how to cast a spell, so I used my head. Literally. As in, I rammed him in the gut with my head.
He flinched a bit but otherwise remained stoic. Then I attempted an entirely new approach, which was run like crazy and throw everything in sight at the crazy centaur. This is exactly why I am still not considered smart by some of my friends. That plan lasted all of two minutes when he decided to use telekinesis to stop me. As he started to lift me up, I picked up a nearby golden stick with a red jewel on one end and a bust of somepony's head on the other. Yep. twilicane has entered the battle.
As he opened his maw to absorb the magic, I launched the cane with pinpoint accuracy into his left eye, causing him to roar in pain and drop the spell. As he clutched his eye, I sprinted as fast as I could towards where I could only hope would be a guard station, armory, or blacksmith. Chances were slim but come on, I'm facing a castle-sized, magic-using, magic-stealing centaur with my fists.
I turned around several corners to hopefully find one such place, all the while keeping a steady eye on the now-angry giant red centaur that was now searching for me.
Luckily, after about a minute of running, I saw a blacksmith. This blacksmith's was a small shop that was basically a shed with a doorway that lead under an awning. Seemingly oblivious stood a black stallion with a grey mane with an anvil for a cutie-mark, hammering away at a red hot sword laid upon an anvil.
I sprinted towards the shop, arms and legs flushing with pain from the effort. I reached the shop and interrupted the blacksmith. "I need a sword. Fast. Preferably the best you have. Bill Twilight Sparkle." I gasped. Without a word, the stallion dropped the hammer, went into the shed, and returned after a few seconds with what I could only describe as a god-sword.
The sword was huge, easily one and a half times bigger than the average sword, the blade being bisected down the middle to form a bottle like shape, within which was a container full of a seemingly viscous blue liquid (probably condensed magic energy) with a nozzle on the end, not quite reaching the 'neck' of the bottle shaped hole, but easily smaller than it. The handle was huge, about the thickness of a small tree, and decorated with red paint and gold silk straps. He balanced it on his back, carrying it to me with all the emotion of Maud Pie. I gripped it by the handle and he spoke in a neutral tone. "The price of this sword is 1,200 bits. This will be billed to Twilight Sparkle. I would advise you repay her. Be careful with the sword. It is enchanted to withstand the attack of a fully grown alicorn and will cut through any adversary like butter. A button on the handle will fire the CM Cannon in the middle. This blade is one of the most dangerous I have ever made so only use it as a last resort. Finally, I would suggest you hurry up and fight the centaur which is now closing on our position before it's too late." He didn't even change tone or facial expression during his explanation. I stopped gawking at the blade and spun around, sword held in both hands.
I charged forwards to where Tirek was advancing, jumping off of a crate onto the roof of a small building, then leaping from roof to roof without changing pace.
I raised the sword above my head, muttering "why does it always come to swords?" Under my breath.
Tirek fired a beam of red and black magic, to which I blocked with my sword. Miraculously, the blade held fast, untouched by Tirek's attack.
When he finished his attack, I pushed myself faster than I thought I could go straight towards the would-be tyrant. At the last second, I leaped off the roof, managing to swing the sword. It cut cleanly through the beast's leg, causing him to stumble and fall from the change of weight distribution.
"Impossible..." I heard him utter, a twinge of what I believed to be fear edging into his voice. I leapt on his nape, swinging the sword at one of his horns. It smoothly sailed through the hard-as-steel growth, Tirek only being able to watch in fear as his right horn fell in front of his eyes. With a defiant roar, he pushed himself up, ready to face this new threat. Only he didn't realise I was on the back of his neck.
I jumped off, grabbing a loose rope hanging off the top of a building to build up my upwards momentum. I let go of the rope and sailed through the air above the goliath's nape, before readying my sword and humming the Attack on Titan theme, before I slashed him across the back of his neck.
He seemed surprised as I landed in front of him. He moved a hand to squash me, but then remained stiff, before his limbs shut down and he collapsed in the dirt face first, breathing his last.
"Well then." I said, staring blankly at the giant corpse, which was now launching several beams of multicoloured magic from it's gashes. The magic seemed to curve, as if seeking a target. This was most likely the magic of all the ponies which he had stolen. As this happened, the body began to shrink.
"That was anticlimactic." Said a young brown colt wearing a propeller-hat. "I thought that there would have been a bigger fight. This is almost exactly like the final boss in any game, where you have levelled up so much that the final boss is easy to beat."
"Seconded." I replied, my chest heaving with the effort of the battle. I wiped my brow and walked away, three tendrils of magic leaping from my chest towards where I presumed the princesses to be.
I decided to follow the trail to lead me towards the alicorns. Then, I saw a flash of purple light to my left and a large tendril burst towards Canterlot. Twilight.
I continued towards the princesses, eventually finding them at Sugarcube Corner with cupcakes emblazoned with 'Congratulations on defeating Tirek'. I'm not even going to ask about that. "How did you make them so quick?" I asked. Okay, I lied.
"Trade secret~" Pinkie sang, balancing a tray of cupcakes on her head, dishing them out to customers.
"But I literally only just walked away from his body! This is... I can't... Graaaaaah!" I stammered. "This will be a whole lot easier to understand when you teach me Pinkie Physics."
"Well, it's not a change on physics, per se, rather more on reality, but you know, whatever." She explained. Huh. Alrighty then.
I sat at the table with the three princesses, who were all muzzle deep in cupcake. I rested my head in my hands, nibbling away at a cupcake, the only thing I could hear was the loud eating of three princesses and the general hubbub of the small café.
This level of stress was not what I expected when I first slammed head first into a table in Equestria.
Ruins of Tlmnar
"Impossible." The large shrouded figure boomed, the light emanated from a scrying portal illuminating the dark grey of his muzzle.
"Master, what is the problem?" Another smaller figure questioned.
"He is becoming more attuned to this world far after than even we can plan for. We have to alter the plan slightly so we achieve the best outcome."
"So, you're sure you're okay with this? I'm not imposing or anything, am I?" I said, lugging behind me a large bag containing the god-sword (which I have to pay Twilight back on somehow), my military kit (which I convinced Discord to give back), and a selection of cupcakes left over from the impromptu celebration that everypony was somehow celebrating as soon as Tirek was defeated. I swear I will never understand this place.
"No, not at all Darling. It's no bother, really. You need someplace to stay and it's the least I can offer after all you've done." Rarity insisted.
Rarity had allowed me to stay with her until I get a place of my own, which is surprising as she'd already offered to make me some clothing, for free, might I add. I felt as if I was taking advantage of her generosity.
"Well, I still feel as if I'm taking advantage of you here."
"Oh, perish the thought!"
We arrived at Carousel Boutique quickly, allowing me to drop the extraordinarily heavy bag.
"Sweetie!" Rarity called in a sing-song voice. "I'm home!" The pitter-patter of tiny hooves came from the stairs behind the counter.
"Rarity!" Squeaked an adorable little voice as a white and pink-purple ball of fuzz latched itself to Rarity's chest. "You've been gone for days!"
"Well, I did say I'd be gone a while." Rarity replied, patting Sweetie Belle on the back as she nuzzled into her chest. "I'm honestly quite surprised that the Boutique is still standing and not a pile of rubble. However did you manage to do that?"
"Oh, that's easy." She beamed. "Discord helped me!"
Rarity's eye twitched. "D-Discord?"
"Yep! He repaired most of the damage himself!" Sweetie continued obliviously.
I placed a calming hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Rarity. Discord probably hasn't altered anything and if he did you can make him change it back, alright?"
"O-Okay." She stammered. Sweetie Belle finally took the time to realise there was another pon- erm, person in the room.
"aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-mmph!" Rarity stopped the scream by placing a hoof in Sweetie's mouth.
"Calm down, Sweetie. This is Ryan. He'll be staying with us for a while. He was the one who *ahem* defeated Tirek." Sweetie seemed to stop her muffled screaming at this point. "Do you promise not to scream when I remove my hoof?" Sweetie nodded. "Okay." And thus, the hoof was removed.
"So, uh," Sweetie started. "Where do you come from? The Everfree?"
"No, I'm from a different plane of existence. Another world, maybe even another dimension." I replied as non-cryptically as possible when being vague about where you come from.
"But really, where about?" She prompted curiously.
"A planet called Earth. More spec-"
Sweetie cut me off. "Earth? What kind of name is Earth for a planet? Is it just covered in soil?"
"No, nothing like that. To be honest, I don't know why it's called that either. Anyway, I come from a city called Liverpool in a country called England. Not the best place to live but it has it's moments." I continued.
"Why is it bad?" She asked.
"Well, I'll answer that a bit later after I'm settled in a bit. Maybe after dinner." I responded, before picking up my bag. "So," I said, addressing Rarity. "Where will I be staying?"
"Er, well there's room in the attic, as long as you don't mind staying there."
"Of course not!" I smiled. I proceeded to walk up the stairs, Rarity keeping pace behind me. I carried on along the wide curved corridor as I reached the top of the stairs until I came to a door marked 'Attic'. I heard the distinctive sparkly sound of magic and the door unlocked with a light *chunk*.
I pushed open the door and was faced with a dark staircase, which I sprinted up as a force of habit (What? I like climbing stairs!). The attic was dark and barren, the only light seeping in through the small square window. In one corner sat a bed. I immediately placed my bag on the floor and moved to sit on the bed.
"I do hope it's not too, well, drab for you." Rarity spoke up behind me.
"It's perfect!" I smiled. "It's dark, it's bare, and it will give a good view of the stars at night! Thank you, Rares!"
"N-no problem, dear." She smiled sheepishly. "Erm, dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes. I hope you don't mind a light salad? I'm afraid I'll be quite busy this evening and I simply won't have the time to prepare something else."
"Oh, it's no bother at all!" I reassured as she left the room.
I looked around the room to get a better feel for the place. The room was made of a dark wood, most likely tinted oak, with a small lamp fixture on the wall about a metre away from where I sat. The bed was a basic wooden-framed piece with white sheets and a blue blanket. The mattress was soft enough to be comfortable but hard enough to avoid me sinking in. Absolutely perfect.
I was caught up in observing when I heard my name being called from downstairs. "Coming!" I replied, standing up and leaving the room. I navigated to where I assumed the kitchen was and opened the door. I was correct in my assumption and deftly moved over to where Rarity was levitating three bowls. Within said bowls was something which I knew would cause an issue: a daisy salad.
"I hope you don't mind opening the dining room door, dear . I have my hooves full at the moment." Rarity... Asked? I don't know, this grammatical conundrum always stumped me. It was spoken as a statement yet posed as a question.
Shaking my head clear of the puzzle, I replied "but of course, m'lady." Before opening the door I assumed was to the living room, only to come face-to-face with a storage closet. Rarity giggled behind me. " I, erm, assumed that-"
"To assume is to make an ass out of you and me." Rarity lectured.
I mock-gasped. "My my, Rarity! Such language!" I half-shouted in mock horror.
"Oh, because you've been completely civil since you arrived." She rolled her eyes. I turned around and opened the actual right door, which lead to a colourful room with paintings on the walls and in the middle resided a white table at knee-height.
Ah. Another problem.
If I hadn't already explained, ponies barely come up to my waist in height, making me quite gangly compared to them. Strangely, all of the doors here were about the right size to let a human through. I'll have to ask Twilight about that one.
I kneeled at the table as Rarity places the three bowls in front of me, herself, and Sweetie Belle, who was sat at the table beforehand. Rarity took her seat, and by seat, I mean cushion, and by doing so freed Sweetie and I of the social convention of not eating before all diners were seated.
We ate in relative silence, the general thrum of the evening punctuating the air like... Uh.... Something that punctuates? Whatever. The silence was only broken about halfway through our meal by Sweetie Belle.
"So why was that place that you come from bad?" She asked.
"Sweetie!" Rarity gasped, probably because Sweetie bringing up a topic that may hold bad memories is against some sort of pony social convention or something.
"Oh, it's quite alright." I assured. I then addressed Sweetie Belle. "Well, the city I lived in was infested with crime in a lot of places. There were always reports of shootings, muggings, robberies, assaults, etcetera. This gave the city a bad reputation, and, as a result, a lot of the more honest people there decided to leave to avoid the crime. This left more criminals behind, meaning that there weren't many good role models for young children. This growth of crime was supplemented by many exaggerated claims from media, like newspapers, who took advantage of one situation to make the others seem bad." I lectured.
"But, why would they do that?" Sweetie asked.
"Because the people in charge of newspapers were often vindictive bullies who would do anything to make more money, and drama and rumour attracts crowds."
"That... That's awful!" She half-shouted.
"I know. That's why when I saw the opportunity to join the military and leave any bad misgivings about me behind, I took it."
"Forgive me darling, but how exactly does that help? Surely you would still be insulted from being from... Litterpool, was it?" Rarity interjected.
"Liverpool." I corrected. "Whilst I am unsure as to how military personnel are seen here, where I come from, thousands, if not millions, of people could die in a single war, and it is considered extremely disrespectful to talk about people who freely give their lives for their country in a negative way."
"Wait," Sweetie said. "Why couldn't you have taken a different job, like a geologist? Maybe you could have stayed away from Liverpool then?"
"True, but I had nothing against the city, only it's reputation. And it's reputation would only have followed me."
"Oh. Alright." We continued to eat in silence for another minute before we finished.
"Okay, I shall take everypony's bowls." Rarity said, telekinetically lifting the bowls. She suddenly froze as she saw my bowl. "Ryan, you haven't eaten your daisies. Were they bad?" She pouted.
"No, not exactly. It's just that, well, humans don't actually eat flowers. We don't find them palatable."
"Oh Celestia, darling! And you let me serve it to you! I am so sorry! Please forgive me!" I swear, if she wasn't the Element of Generosity, she would be the Element of Drama.
"Oh, calm down. I neglected to tell you so the fault is all mine. Don't beat yourself up over it."
"I-I'm sorry. It's just you're a guest in our home and if you're not happy, then I'm not happy."
I smiled reassuringly at her. "I'm perfectly happy. You've given me a room to stay in after only knowing me a few days, which is more than most people back home would give. Not only that, you actually provided me with food. Good food, might I add. You've given more than enough. There's no need to be upset."
"I-if you insist, but please allow me to give you some form of apology!" She pleaded.
"A roof over my head is more than enough, Rarity. You needn't stretch yourself."
"Alright." She said reluctantly. She carried the bowls into the kitchen, and I watched her as she left.
"I ship it." Said two voices behind me. I spun around and saw Discord and Sweetie smirking at me.
"Oh knock it off. Discord, I know you have a crush on Celestia," which set him off into embarrassed stuttering. Nailed it. "And Sweetie, remember what happened last time you tried to force two ponies into a relationship?" Which made her look down sadly. "Exactly."
"You don't have proof." Discord harrumphed, crossing his arms and turning away dramatically.
"Really? Because where I come from, everything here is a TV show, which has so far been accurate up until I arrived, but you and I both know a crush at your level must have lasted longer than a few days. Plus, your reaction was more than enough proof." I smirked triumphantly.
"Well, I... And what if I do? It's not like she would like me back or anything." He lamely attempted to hide his sadness behind more sass. Because that always works.
"Sweetie, you and the crusaders meet me at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow at 4pm. Discord, I also expect you there. I have a plan to set you up with Celestia." I smiled. Honestly, I don't have a plan, but I thought I could at least come up with one by tomorrow.
"W-w-w-WHAT!?" Discord shouted in shock.
"You can leave now, if you wish, but you will be meeting us there." I asserted.
"Fine then!" He snapped his fingers and teleported away.
"Do you really have a plan?" Sweetie asked.
"Oh yes. But that can wait until tomorrow." I rubbed my hands in a way that greatly suggested malicious intent, chuckling darkly.
"You are weird," Sweetie stated.
"I thought I established that already."
And I said what about breakfast at Tiffa- I mean Rarity's
I woke up with the sun in my eyes, the celestial ball of fire frying my eyeballs like an egg. I groggily covered my eyes with my arm, pushing the covers off me. "Damn sun," I muttered. "Don't even know why I'm even bothering to set you up with Discord."
"Set who up with Discord?" Said a familiar voice. My head shot up to see Rarity at the door, levitating a tray of pancakes and syrup.
"Long story that I'll tell you if the planning works." I said. "What's with the pancakes?"
"Oh, they're for you as a way of apologising for dinner last night." She said nonchalantly.
I rolled my eyes. "Rarity, again, you don't need to apologise! I loved the salad, it's just that I don't eat flowers."
"Oh, nonsense. Besides, I've already made them."
"Oh alright then." She brought them over, and I gave them a little smell. They smelled quite good, almost like McDonalds pancakes. I then poured the syrup on the small stack, cut a section out of the top three and placed it in my mouth. They were fluffy and sweet, just the way all pancakes should be. But there was something off. Something... Oh no.
Hay.
There was hay in the pancakes.
I continued eating, trying not to show my species' natural disliking to eating hay. To be honest, the flavour of the pancakes and syrup made it easy to ignore.
"Well? Do you like them?"" Rarity asked, leaning forwards in suspense.
"Like them?" I asked. She looked a bit worried at this. "I love them!" She sighed in relief. "Thanks for making these, Rarity!"
"Not a problem at all, dear." She smiled happily before leaving the room. "We'll be downstairs if you need us !" She called halfway down the stairs.
I quickly polished off the pancakes and brought the tray downstairs before washing my plate and cutlery and placing everything where I thought they should be. I then went back to my room and got dressed properly.
As I moved to leave the store to prepare for today, I heard Rarity call from behind me. "Darling, where are you off to?"
I turned around. "Heading into town to try and get some favours from certain ponies." I explained.
"Okay, have fun, I guess?"
I walked outside and pulled out a list I had prepared earlier last night.
"Alright." I said to myself. "Let's see, first is Octavia and Vinyl."
4pm rolled around quickly. My plan was about to come together, and all it needed was Discord and the girls.
I was halfway through a cupcake that Pinkie had insisted was free, when I heard some familiar voices coming from the door.
"- dunno 'bout this, girls. You sure ya can trust 'im?" That was Apple Bloom.
"Yeah, Sweetie, how do you know he's not an evil monster from the Everfree?" Scootaloo.
"Just trust me, he's good." Then they walked through the door. "See, there he is!"
I waved at them. "Hey, girls."
"He kinda looks like a monkey." Scootaloo stated.
I laughed a little at that. "That would make sense considering I share 98% of my genetic material with them."
"Who-in-the-what now?" Apple Bloom asked in confusion. Right, they're only foals.
"Never mind. Anyway, now we're just waiting on Discord."
As if on cue, there was a bright flash to my right and the God of Chaos was suddenly floating next to me.
"Good evening, everypony, and welcome to open mic night at-" Discord began before I cut him off.
"Now's not the time. Save the singing for the plan." I said, pulling out a map of Ponyville. Discord seemed disheartened at this but I pressed on nonetheless. "Okay, everypony lean in close, here's the plan. Firstly, girls, Celestia will be arriving at this location marked 'x', which is Ponyville Plaza. I need you to lead her to town hall. She will be here under the impression there is a monster loose, a message that Spike will have sent her."
Dear Princess Celestia,
We really need you to come to Ponyville as quickly as possible! A monster from the Everfree has attacked and is kidnapping the residents! The Elements have been taken too and you're the only one who can help us! I last saw it in Ponyville Plaza. Please come soon.
Sincerely, Spike the Dragon.
"Guards!" Celestia shouted sternly. Her two personal guards stepped into Celestia's private chambers.
"Yes, your highness?" One of the guards, Swift Strike, asked.
"Tell my sister I am heading to Ponyville immediately. If I'm not back within the hour, tell her to gather the troops."
"Yes ma'am!" Swift struck a sharp salute and marched off with the other guard.
Celestia opened her balcony doors, spread her wings wide, and shot towards Ponyville faster than anypony would think the solar diarch capable of. Those looking would have thought they had just seen a lightning bolt made of fire.
She arrived at the plaza in under a minute only to find it deserted. She looked around until she heard three voices.
"Princess Celestia, Princess Celestia, Princess Celestia!" The CMC shouted, running towards her. "There's a monster attacking! You have to help us!" Sweetie explained.
"Of course, my little ponies. Lead the way." She said sternly.
The trio of fillies ran towards town hall, Celestia in tow.
"Next, we will have everypony situated at town hall. This is where Octavia, Vinyl, and the Ponyville Orchestra get involved."
The four of them arrived at town hall quickly. As they arrived, Celestia froze in her tracks. The entirety of Ponyville stood before her. The CMC ran into the crowd and disappeared.
Suddenly, music started to play.
"Discord, this is where your cue is. When the music starts to play, on the fourth bar you need to sing this song" I passed him the sheet of lyrics. "Octavia will teach you how to sing it and the timing."
Discord appeared before Celestia and started singing:
My name is Dissy nice to meet you can I tell you baby Look around there's a whole lot of pretty ladies But none like you, you shine so bright, yeah
I was wondering if you and me could spend a minute On the floor up and close getting lost in it I won't give up without a fight
Celestia covered her mouth with one hoof in shock, her eyes wide.
I just wanna, oh baby I just want you to dance with me tonight So come on, oh baby I just want you to dance with me tonight
Everypony started dancing in time to the music, increasing Celestia's shock
We're getting sweaty, hot and heavy in the crowd now I loosen up and let your hands go down, down But go with it girl, yeah just close your eyes, yeah
I feel the music moving through your body And looking at you I can tell you want me Don't stop, keep going till the morning light, yeah
When I saw you there, sitting all alone in the dark acting like you didn't have a care I knew right then, that you'd be mine, and we'd be dancing the whole damn night like
"Now, you offer your paw or claw to Celestia, offering her to dance with you. Hopefully she'll accept."
Discord reached his paw out to the stunned goddess, who blushed before accepting the offer and starting to dance as Discord sung the second chorus.
Oh baby, I just want you to dance with me tonight So come on, oh baby I just want you to dance with me tonight
Break it down now, (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah) Shake it like that, (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah) Now bring it all back To dance with me tonight One more time, one more time, come on now (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah) Do your thing, (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah) Everybody sing (I just want you to dance with me tonight)
I just wanna, oh baby I just want you to dance with me tonight Everybody everybody come on now Girl, just close your eyes We can dance all through the night, I just want you to dance with me tonight And everybody sing Girl just close your eyes, We can dance all through the night I just want you to dance with me tonight So come on girl just close your eyes We can dance all through the night I just want you to dance with me tonight
The song and dance finished, and everypony stomped their hooves to Discord and Celestia, who were left in each other's embrace. Now was the moment of truth.
Discord cleared his throat to grab the attention of a blushing and smiling Celestia. "Celestia," he began, a blush forming on his own features. "Willyougoonadatewithme?" He squeaked.
"Pardon?" Celestia asked, the blush dying down a little (but not much).
Behind her, I gave Discord a thumbs up for encouragement.
"Will you go on a date with me?" He asked slightly slower.
Everypony was silently leaning forward hopefully. Not even the evening insects and birds dared to disturb the silence. For three deafeningly silent seconds, everypony waited as the diarch goddess of the sun stood in shock.
"I-I... Yes! Yes, Discord, I will go on a date with you!" Her smile widened, her cheeks flushed even brighter, and she gave a small jump of excitement before kissing him on the cheek.
Everypony cheered and stomped their hooves, signifying their approval. The ground rumbled from the sheer force of it.
Discord excused himself from Celestia for a moment before flying over towards me.
"You did it! You actually did it!" He exclaimed before pulling me into what felt like a bone rushing hug. "I cannot thank you enough!"
"No, Discord, we did it. I just planned it." Discord released his grip on me, if only a little.
"I owe you one," he said. "Ooh! How about a chaos wish? One single reality-warping change without any consequences!"
"I'll think about it. Anyway, here comes your marefriend." I indicates to where Celestia now approached.
"I must say, Discord, this was quite a stunt you pulled." She said, the blush having left her features.
"It wasn't my doing, but rather my misplaced friend over here!" He pointed to me. "He set all this up."
Celestia turned her attention towards me. "Thank you, Ryan. I've been waiting for him to ask since he was reformed!"
"It was no problem, Princess! Just doing my best to help a friend!" I replied nonchalantly.
"I do believe I am in your debt," she stated. "I'm sure I could help you in much the same way you helped us. My sister seems to be rather interested in you." She said that last part with a wink.
"Very funny, princess, but I heavily doubt she'd be interested. She's a princess, I'm a misplaced alien, and besides, I'm just trying to get by. If I think of something, I'll ask." I shrugged it off as just Trollestia being Trollestia.
"Very well. Now, Discord and I best be off so we can plan out date. Farewell, Ryan, I hope to see you soon." With that, she spread her wings and flew towards Canterlot, Discord following close behind.
I turned to face the crowd of ponies who were now milling about.
"CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!?" I shouted over the noise.
Everypony quickly finished their conversations and turned towards me.
"I would firstly like to thank you all for helping me out with this! I couldn't have done it without you! Secondly, as repayment, if any of you ever need anything at all, I would be more than happy to lend my assistance! That is all! You may return to your normal activities!"
As everypony turned to leave, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see my hostess.
"I didn't think that would actually work," she stated.
"Thanks for having faith in my skills," I replied sarcastically.
"No problem."
We stood in silence as almost everypony left.
"E-excuse me?" Somepony behind me said.
I turned around (again) and saw a grey pegasus with a rather unkempt blonde mane and a cutie mark of a few bubbles. Her most prominent feature, however, was her eyes. Her yellow eyes were completely off centre.
"Hello miss..." I said as I extended my hand.
"Ditzy," she said, extending a hoof for me to shake. "Ditzy Doo. But my friends call me Derpy."
"Well, Miss Doo, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I'm heading out for dinner tonight with my coltfriend and I forgot to hire a babysitter for my daughter, Dinky. Would you be able to look after her? I'll pay you." She pleaded.
"No need for payment. I'm more than happy to help."
"Oh, thank you!" She flew into the air.
"No problem. Where's the house?"
"Follow me." She flew off.
"I'll see you later, Rarity!" I waved before sprinting after everybrony's favourite pony.
Ditzy took me on a rather... Different route than I was expecting. About halfway through, I ended up doing parkour across half of Ponyville, leaping from roof to roof and over carts and under carriages (not her route. She stayed in the air.). When we reached her house ten minutes later, I was absolutely exhausted. The sun was now setting past the horizon, casting everything in a beautiful red glow.
"Here we are!" She said obliviously. She pushed open the door, and was then tackled by a small unicorn.
"Mommy!" Shouted dinky excitedly.
"Hey Dinkums. Hope you don't mind, but you've got a different sitter for tonight." She pointed to me with her hoof.
"Hi," I said dumbly, waving to her.
"Oh, wow!" Dinky exclaimed. "A human! I didn't know they could exist in this plane of existence."
Ditzy rolled her eyes. "I bet your father told you about them, didn't he?"
"Yeperoo!" She confirmed. "He says he used to always visit where they come from."
Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Behind Dinky emerged a brown earth pony stallion with a spiky dark brown mane and an hourglass cutie mark.
"Ah, you must be Ryan!" He said in an extremely British accent. "I am the doc- I mean, Time Turner." He extended his hoof.
"Sure you are, Doctor." I smiled as I shook a rather bewildered Doctor's hoof.
"How did you-"
"I'm not from the same Earth that you've been to." I explained.
"Ah. That might explain a lot."
"Doc, come on! We've got a reservation in 5 minutes." Ditzy insisted.
"Right! Pleasure to meet you, Ryan! Alons-y!" With that, he and Ditzy walked off, leaving me outside with Dinky.
"So, Dinky, aside from going to other planets in a TARDIS, what do you normally do at night?" I asked as we walked/trotted indoors.
"Calculus, mostly." She said, as if it were normal for a filly her age to do so.
I smiled. "That, I can do!"
"I'm telling you, it's two hundred and eight point oh seven three recurring!" I insisted.
"It's two hundred and thirty six point seven six recurring!" She argued.
"Look! You've done five X to the three over four! It's supposed to be five X to the three over three! We're using integration, are we not?" I countered.
"But- oh my Celestia you're right." She relented.
We were currently using integration to figure out the total area of a part of a graph to figure out how much fuel would be needed in a small model plane (which they don't have here, but Dinky somehow made a functioning model. Time lord's daughter and all that) to keep it flying for enough time to get to Canterlot and back. Said model plane was a near perfect miniature replica of a harrier jet.
"Okay," I said as we fuelled it up. "Did you calibrate it?"
"Yep! Now we just need the fuel and we can fly it to Canterlot and scare some nobles while we're at it."
"Wait, how do we scare them?" I finished fuelling and closed the hatch.
"Hot water cannons, duh! That's what the extra buttons on the remote are for!"
"Oh, I was wondering what the extra weight was."
We finished quickly and fired it up. The miniature jet engines did their work and the plane started to take off. It lifted off the ground and started soaring. I fiddled with the controls and it flew towards Canterlot, the live feed from a miniature camera showing our location.
When it approached Canterlot, I deployed the cannons and aimed at nobles that I didn't recognise. They squirted streams of hot water onto said nobles, sending them into a panic. After two minutes, we spotted the best target possible: Prince Blueblood. I grinned wickedly.
"Permission to concentrate fire on alpha priority target?" I asked.
"Granted."
At the command, I fired both cannons straight at Blueblood, causing him to run screaming and hide around a corner.
"Should I activate the VTOL system?"
"Go for it."
The jet slowed to a hover, before flying sideways to see Blueblood with his face paler than usual. The cannons reacquired their target and one minute later, Blueblood was nothing but a snivelling, steaming mess on the floor.
We returned the jet, laughing the whole time.
"Payback, biatch!" Dinky shouted.
"Language." I cautioned.
The jet landed in front of us and the wings folded up for ease of storage. We put it in a cupboard and decided to play cards.
It was about half an hour before Ditzy and the Doctor returned, at which point I was being destroyed at Texas Hold'em.
"Who's winning?" the Doctor asked.
"Dinky," I replied nonchalantly.
"Daddy!" Dinky yelled before leaping at him and attaching herself to his neck.
"Hey sweetie!" He replied, just as enthusiastically.
I rolled my eyes. "How on Equus are you the Doctor? You act completely different from how I've been lead to believe. I mean, you actually spun like a responsible parent."
"Maybe because your basic impression of me is based off a TV show imagined by a human so the Doctor you know has a more eccentric personality which is blamed on his seeming immortality, or rather his very extended life span?" He responded quizzically.
I blinked.
"That about explains it," I said. I stood up and quickly packed the cards away before placing the packet back on the shelf it resided on, then proceeding to repeat the process with the casino-style chips.
As I placed the box back, I suddenly became aware of a young presence beside me. Turning around and looking down, I was met with the saddened gaze of Dinky.
"Do you have to go, Mr Ryan?" She asked, her puppy dog eyes almost unbearable.
I knelt down and placed a reassuring hand on her... Shoulders? Is that the anatomically correct term? Nevermind. In a voice that was as calming as I could make it, I spoke. "Sorry Dinks, I have to go home now. But don't worry, I'll be more than happy to look after you if your parents go out again." I spared a glance at the duo in question and suppressed a smirk as they were both clearly giving eachother bedroom eyes. "And judging by what I can see, it will be quite soon." I added quietly. Dinky too suppressed a smirk.
I ruffled her mane before standing up and walking towards the Doctor and Derpy.
"I can't thank you enough for looking after Dinky tonight." Derpy said. "She wasn't too much trouble, was she?"
"No," I waved a hand dismissively. "It was quite fun! I'd be more than happy to look after her again if you need me to!"
The Doctor chuckled. "Thanks, Ryan. We may need to be of use of your services in the near future."
"It's no problem, really," I glanced at the clock on the wall. " I think it's best if I set off now. It's getting quite late." I walked towards the still-open door. "I bid you adieu!"
With a small wave, I set off at a jog on the way back to Rarity's, which wasn't hard with it being the second or third biggest building in Ponyville. I mean, seriously! How was it not in the background of every scene in Ponyville in the show!?
I arrived in less than ten minutes and was met with a darkened Carousel Boutique. Realising that everypony inside was probably asleep, I slowly opened the door, and tip-toed inside, closing the door behind me. As it clicked shut, the lights came on, momentarily blinding me.
I blocked out the light with an arm as my vision became less bleary. As I lowered my arm, I became aware of another pony in the room.
"What time do you call this!?" Rarity demanded.
Being unable to tame my inner troll, I blurted, "Hammer Time!" Before launching into a small dance backed by me humming the tune to 'Can't touch this'.
As expected, Rarity was unamused, and, if anything, my dance made her angrier.
I quickly stopped as her glare seemed to tear my soul to shreds.
"I'm in trouble, aren't I?" I asked. Rarity only grunted in response.