Living with ponies? Defeating villains? I could get used to this.

by The Batmane of equestria

Ominous feelings never lead to happy things like rainbows

Proofread and edited by Luna-tic

---

Needless to say, I woke up in pain. Again. This time, however, I managed to stifle the screaming. Around the couch where I lay were the Mane 6. Celestia knows why they were still there. I mean, come on, I was probably out cold for at least an hour. The creepy thing is, they weren't even paying attention, just staring into space.

I stood up, startling the lucid ponies as I rose. They all jumped a bit but were happy to see that I was fine. Upon instinct, I reached a hand up to my broken nose to see if it still hurt. Isn’t it funny how we do that? We suffer from an injury and so we constantly poke at it to see if it still hurts like it did last time. Luckily for me, someone, or rather, somepony, had covered it with a bandage to keep it in place until it set. *cough* Fluttershy *cough*

“Uhh, I wouldn’t poke at it, if I were you.” Said Twilight, clearly concerned as I absent-mindedly poked and prodded at the injury, as if it would heal from poking alone.

“My broken nose, my rules.” I quipped as I continued.

“Anyway, we have decided to take you to Canterlot to go see Princess Celestia. She needs to be aware of your presence. Now let’s see. We need toiletries, spare clothes, paper, extra quills…” Twilight rattled to herself more than anypony. The girls just rolled their eyes as Twilight went into full out star student.

“Anywho,” I said, with Twilight muttering to herself behind me, pacing around the library. “Does anypony want to ask me any questions or anything before we go?”

“Yeah,” came Rainbow Dash. “How come you walk on two legs? It’s freaky as tartarus. Do you lose balance easily because of it? Also, what is that you’re wearing? It looks like desert camo or something.”

“One at a time, please.” I chuckled. “To answer your questions, firstly, I walk on two legs because of evolution. Where some species developed to walk on four legs, ours were made to balance on two. I’m not sure why we developed like that, but it may be something like intimidation by height or the fact that we learned to use tools earlier on in our evolutionary cycle, so we walk on two legs to allow us to use the tools. Secondly, No, it’s quite hard to knock a human off balance, despite the disadvantage posed by their length" Here is where I decided not to explain the center of balance thingy to her. "Our legs make it easier to adapt to an environment change so we can keep our balance without expending excess energy or throwing our weight around. Finally, this is desert camo. I was in my country’s army.” Surprisingly, Rainbow and the others had kept up rather well.

“Okay, so what country are you from, exactly?” piped in Rarity.

“I’m from a country called England. It’s relatively small but once owned more than half of the world. An old saying says, ‘the sun never sets on the british empire,’ which shows how far we had expanded our empire. It also has a lot of heritage but is often the butt of any posh joke, where people believe that all English citizens have posh accents and are upper class, drink tea in their conservatories and watch Downton Abbey.”

“Two questions.” Pinkie said. I nodded to her with a thumbs up. “Firstly, you said British empire, not English empire.”

“That’s because we’re also know as the british, England being in great britain and all.”

“Secondly, what’s Downton Abbey?”

“A boring TV show about rich snobs from nearly 100 years ago and all of their first world problems.”

“What’s a TV?”

“A...uhhh...A magic box that shows pictures and basically brainwashes our people into watching a load of garbage that no-one in their right mind should enjoy." I explained. I'm looking at the Kardashians here when I say this.

"Okey dokey loki!" And with that, Pinkie started... Well, I have no idea what it was, but I'm guessing it was just Pinkie being Pinkie. It was something akin to a glitch, which I'm guessing She probably is at this point: The Living Glitch.

"Right, so when do we all leave for Canterlot?" I asked. This stopped Twilight in her tracks, who was previously busying herself in stuffing everything into a small suitcase. I still have no idea how it all fit. There must have been some kind of pocket dimension inside of it.

Twilight checked the clock on the wall. "The train leaves in about an hour." With that, she continued her frantic, physics-defying packing.

What she said had confused me. Why hadn't the other girls started packing? Were they going to go there nak- I forget that they are naked all the time.

This started my thoughts going. From what I saw of Manehatten, they always wear clothes, no matter what. The same goes for what I've seen of Canterlot. I haven't seen anypony wear clothes in Ponyville unless for an important occasion. Did this mean that Ponyville was a nudist colony?

With a shudder, I mentally slapped myself to get that image out of my head before asking the question. "Uhhh... Shouldn't you girls be packing, you know, to go to Canterlot?" I asked. I was ill-prepared for the proverbial shit-storm I had brewed with that question.

The girls had cleared out in seconds, destroying almost everything and knocking most of the books off of the shelves.

No matter. It was all gonna go kaboom pretty soon.

...

Thank Celestia I never said that out loud again.

---

Within 45 minutes, I had been pushed to and fro while Twilight got ready. Needless to say, I need to remember to stay out of her way when she's planning and readying herself.

We soon got moving. For the time we walked, I noticed something strange. Now, I'm not saying that I felt unwelcome in town at first, but I received a lot of odd stares on the way to the train station. It still fails me how Twilight forgot that she could teleport us there.

The station was empty, the only ponies being the railway worker and the mane 6 with a still-quiet Spike. Noticing this, I decided to make conversation.

"Hey, Spike?" I said, gaining his attention.

He gave me a wary look but responded anyway.

"Yes?"

I asked the first thing on my mind. "Why are you staying quiet? It's unnerving, to say the least."

"How would you feel if a strange being fell from a portal onto your table, told you that you were a TV character, then knocked himself out by resetting his nose?"

This gave me pause. I hadn't thought about that. I never realised what effect that this could have on these ponies. They've been through Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and Discord again, an they were about to go through Tirek and Discord once more.

"That's a fair point." I said. "So, how are things for you? Being Twi's number one assistant, I mean."

"It's... Pretty nice. I get to see Twilight growing with her magic as well as helping her keep organised, and she is one of the few people to treat me like a respectable adult, which I actually am, being just a few years younger than her myself."

"That was the single greatest explanation of how one feels about someone that has ever been said. Seriously. What you said only shows her characteristics and how much you care for her. You didn't compare anything to what she's done for you and given you, and it's nice to see that you put her good characteristics before her feelings for you." I sniffed at that. Most people I've asked about people they care about talk about how the person they love buys them flowers and chocolates and beer and everything, but Spike put what he can give to her and how he can learn from her before that.

"Bro, are you crying?" Spike asked. Dammit. I hadn't been subtle. Time for excuse delta-dash-three-seven-omega-epsilon-five.

"I'm not crying. It's liquid pride." Genius.

"Shining says the exact same thing!" Twilight shouted over to us.

Just as she did so, the train whistle sounded in the distance. Pinkie jumped up and down energetically, shouting "OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSHICANTWAITTOSEECELESTIAANDLUNAAGAINANDMAYBECADANCEWILLBETHERETOOTHENWECANALLPARTYWITHCAKEAND-MMMPPHHHMMPMMPHH" she was cut off by a yellow hoof being shoved in her mouth. When Fluttershy does that, you know you better be quiet.

We all stood there, facing straight ahead, faces neutral, barring Fluttershy's, which held some semblance of barely contained annoyance. Nopony talked as we boarded the train.

---

The train ride was actually quite fun. Mostly because I got to talk to Spike more, but it was also scenic, I guess.

Fun fact: Spike can play the guitar. Really well, apparently. That, I ought to see.

The walk through Canterlot to the castle was identical to the reactions of Ponyville. What could I honestly have expected, though? You live with ponies your entire life, you're gonna be surprised to see a giant hairless ape in desert camo (which was not at all lightweight, by the way. I would have to ask Rarity about some clothes.) walking through a densely populated city.

I still never quite understood how the city stood. It's supports appeared to be made out of marble, which is quite strong, but it shouldn't be able to support that weight,
Including the citizens and tourists, with transport and a castle. I took physics. Not possible.

That aside, I still enjoyed the city sights. Everything was in pristine condition, the sun reflected magnificently off the buildings, the pavements shone with wealth, and the castle itself was a sight that would make a poet weep.

The only thing I disliked was the nobles. I swear, I could have shot above their heads and hit a nose.

We were let into the castle without issue, which was odd because, well, me, and began our voyage to the throne room, me hoping all the while that nothing bad would happen.

---

Three thousand miles north west. Location: Badlands.

The badlands were a rough place to be, even for predators at the top of the food chain. Carnivorous plants in the jungles, temperatures exceeding 90 degrees at day, dropping below 0 at night in the desert. If you didn't boil to death or get eaten by anything while travelling, you would likely freeze while sleeping.

But, in this acrid land, there lay a few small villages. These were protected by climate control spells, designed to keep heat in at night, and lose it during the day.

Not far away from one of these towns stood a lone wooden shack. This shack was bland on the outside, and was no better on the inside. There lived but one pony in this shack. The heat never bothered him, nor the cold. He always wore a cloak, hiding his face, the only thing visible being his charcoal coloured fur.

He arrived at his home, cloak on shoulders, and closed the door behind him. He drew the blinds, blocking out the light as he set to work with his chemicals. These chemicals were poisonous to a normal pony, but he was no normal pony. No, he was a being of the shadows.

He mixed them endlessly, heating and cooling, shaking and stirring, until he was finally satisfied with the result after three hours. The liquid contained in the flask was a dark purple, emanating a black mist.

He pulled it up to his lips and drank greedily, the dark power filling his very soul, and he never felt more powerful.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" He laughed in a deep maniacal voice. "Twilight Sparkle, you and your friends better batten down the hatches, because there's a storm coming, and it's going to wipe you clean off Equestria! HAHAHA!!! KING SOMBRA HAS RETURNED, AND YOU WILL ALL KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!!!!"

---

Back in Canterlot Castle

I shuddered as an ominous feeling enveloped my senses, putting me to my knees, my breathing ragged.

"Uhh... Are you alright?" Twilight asked, coming to my side in an instant and catching my fall.

"Yes.... Just.... I felt something. Something of greater power than I've ever dealt with... It's probably nothing..." I strained between breaths.

"That's foreshadowing if I ever heard it." Warned Pinkie.

"Let's just go see Celestia, then we can sort this out." I stood up and walked on without another word, reaching the doors to the throne room in about a minute, and pushing them open.

Author's Note:

tBoE here! I have a new editor/proofreader! I would like to thank Luna-tic for giving this chapter a once-over and changing a few things for your viewing pleasure!

Next chapter will be up by Saturday if all goes to plan!

tBoE signing off for now!

Comments

[Das_Igel]

It's just great now! I like it.