AAG - That's Some Service!

by NachoTheBrony

First published

The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company has considerable trouble when they finally discover why Canterlot officials keep refusing their construction permit.

The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company has considerable trouble when they finally discover why Canterlot officials keep refusing their construction permit.

This story happens within the continuity of All American Girl, and was written for the March story challenge - The Law.

Subject: URGENT – possible show stopper!

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Date: 2033/04/06 2301EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Director of Franchise, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors”
CC: “Group: Legal Department”
Subject: URGENT – possible show stopper!

We have finally discovered why does the Building Code Inspection Office – Canterlot keep rejecting our blueprints for our Canterlot property. The last two rejections happened over a single note: “insufficient and/or inappropriate service rooms”. Rather than send the architects back to drawing and face another inexplicable rejection about a half-dozen janitor closets, I sent them to have spa days around Canterlot and inquire about ‘service rooms’.

The six men in our group were first asked to continue using the spa services and that they would be notified once ‘the other side’ was available. They report that they waited on average two hours until they were shown into small rooms furnished by nothing but “a weird coffin-shaped bed”, then report waiting awkwardly until female voices from inside the coffins would plead or demand them to get started.

The four women in our team, on the other hand, were shown to “motorcycle-shaped beds that were then inserted backwards into coffin-shaped dark alcoves”. They report that they were then asked to wait a few minutes while the male side was opened, and that they then waited until they heard a small latch open near their bottoms and were immediately molested!

So, ‘service room’ is a euphemism for a glory hole!

And our solicitor does underline that ‘service rooms’ are in fact a central feature for an Equestriani spa: it has to do with the gender skew among ponies, and giving opportunity for left-behind mares to become impregnated.

Now, I know that the Board of Directors has already authorised me to make all decisions concerning the Equestria franchise and specially the Canterlot property, but I believe this decision is one that I cannot make alone:

Will the Ritz Charlton Canterlot be equipped with ‘service rooms’, or will the company sell its Equestriani assets?

PS: The four molested females have already been put on paid leave, and I have hired the best psychiatrist in Canterlot to do group and individual therapy with them. Fortunately, none of them are making the company accountable for the incident. Unfortunately, our local solicitor has already explained to them, and to the company, that the three spas in question cannot be held accountable ‘for customers who request usage of service rooms and then get cold hooves’.

PPS: Turns out that we hadn’t found out due to the subject being a verbal taboo, which apparently everybody knows but nobody discusses. What constitutes an ‘acceptable’ service room is in fact not written anywhere, but a subjective ruling from a panel inside city hall.

Subject: RE: URGENT

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Date: 2033/04/07 0947EST
From: Louise McKenzie, Corporate Director of Spa Services <l.mckenzie@ritz_charlton.com>
To: “Tiberius”
CC: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors”
Subject: RE: URGENT

The news you are giving us is alarming.
Your message has been received, and the emergency meeting is being scheduled for three days from now.
In the mean time, I am forwarding it to “Group: Spa Managers Worldwide” to brainstorm possible design solutions.

Subject: Equestriani Spa

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Date: 2033/04/09 1425JST
From: Hideki Fukumitsu, Spa Manager for Tokyo, Spa Services Coordinator for Japan <h.fukumitsu@ritz_charlton.co.jp>
To: “Louise-senpai”, “Uma-shi-sensei”
CC: “Group: Spa Managers Japan”
Subject: Equestriani Spa

I hope this letter finds you well, esteemed colleagues.

Japanese spas face similar challenges, due to the standards of Japanese massage differ from Western massage as being all inclusive of the body, not skipping the areas that Westerners consider improper to touch. For a Ritz Charlton to have a spa in Japan, and to serve both by “world class” and Nihon standards, we need to carefully separate non-compatible services, and to discreetly instruct gaijin customers who inquire about the difference.

As it seems, the problem in Pony-Land isn’t about actions of service, but about places of service. Furthermore, you have the advantage that pony are not human, so you can separate their services without it being impolite. I would put it as you having four sexes of customers, rather than just male and female.

This service room could then be put behind as many layers as you can find of services useless to humans. Have the building designed like sausage links, and have the sex service rooms on the far end.

So far, our few pony customers have asked for services like horn filing and preening of wings. Even some that sound normal are of very different standards: pony-pedicure is work for a carpenter. Separating human services from pony services should be easy.

Subject: Darling probable customer

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Date: 2033/04/09 1623JST
From: Kasumi Miyamoto, New Product, Sexy Time Movables <misty@sexytime.co.jp>
To: <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
CC: <h.fukumitsu@ritz_charlton.co.jp>
Subject: Darling probable customer

Darling probable customer:

Fukumitsu-san wants to design you capsule where horsewoman can be inside while horseman is sexy outside.

I is liking challenge. I has sent few drawings tomorrow. Company you is very rich, so I inject robot and water hard clean.

I is honour and humble you.

Luck you.

Subject: Board Meeting Conclusions about Equestriani Spa

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Date: 2033/04/10 1607EST
From: Louise McKenzie, Corporate Director of Spa Services <l.mckenzie@ritz_charlton.com>
To: “Tiberius”
CC: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors” “Hideki”
Subject: Board Meeting conclusions about Equestriani Spa

After a much-pitched discussion, the Board of Directors has authorized you to bring the Canterlot property up to not only “world-class” standards, but up to Equestriani standards as well. We must excel at serving the standards of polite society, and if we could do it in Japan, Turkey and the United Arab Emirates, we can do it in Equestria.
Only two corollaries have been added to your authorization:
1) For these ‘service rooms’ to be up to our standards of quality. You are thus commissioned to research the local standards and excel at or beyond them. If you cannot find volunteers for the market research, we will try to find some and send them as mystery clients.
2) For these ‘service rooms’ to be accessible for pony customers, yet as hidden as possible from human customers.

Subject: Darling probable customer

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Date: 2033/04/12 2036JST
From: Kasumi Miyamoto, New Product, Sexy Time Movables <misty@sexytime.co.jp>
To: <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
CC: <h.fukumitsu@ritz_charlton.co.jp>
Subject: Darling Probable Customer

Darling probable customer:

I is in Pony-land. I is need to investigate service.

I use service in 5 rich spas today. I is sad with service: dark and unclean.

Boyfriend me says man-side is no good: latrine-like.

I is offended. Boyfriend me is offended.

I has ideas. I has Master Degree in Body Posture Design. Boyfriend me has Degree in Industrial Design. I make service good.

PS: horseman is bigger than Africa man. Boyfriend me need use arm now.

Subject: About 'sexytime' provider

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Date: 2033/04/13 0911JST
From: Hideki Fukumitsu, Spa Manager for Tokyo, Spa Services Coordinator for Japan <h.fukumitsu@ritz_charlton.co.jp>
To: “Uma-shi-sensei”
CC: “Louise-senpai”
Subject: About ‘sexytime’ provider

I wish to clarify that Mrs. Miyamoto has some very poor English language skills, but is renown for her skills in designing ergonomic furniture. I in fact recommended her due to her designs for fibreglass pony furniture being currently popular in Equestria.

To prevent future embarrassment, I have asked her to communicate to us through me.

Subject: RE: About 'sexytime' provider

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Date: 2033/04/14 2100EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Legal Representative, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: “Hideki”
CC: “Louise”
Subject: RE: About ‘sexytime’ provider

Thanks for your reassurances, but thankfully one of our interns speaks the language and has assumed translation responsibilities. We are now interested, as the correct translation now includes “we know price will not be an issue with your company, so I am including a fully automated pressure-wash cycle.” We have also received a portfolio from Mrs Miyamoto, where she shows a plethora of organic, minimalistic designs that look more antiseptic than white porcelain.

Besides, that comment about local standards being “latrine-like” rings very true: I went with my wife and arranged to be in opposite sides of the service rooms in the three most expensive spas in Canterlot, and while they are clean and up to standards with the rest of the spa, the male side does have a certain feeling of wrongness that makes you think of an outhouse, and Miriam found the female side to be depressive and claustrophobic. While the rest of the facilities at these spas were pleasant, neither one of us ever wants to enter their service rooms again.

In the meantime, my architectural team has been brainstorming about your sausage links idea. They are already coming up with something resembling Imperial Roman architecture... if the Romans had ever designed a Thermas around two three-level spiral ramp buildings, then built the Pantheon around it.

Unfortunately, we are currently back to the drawing board. We wish to invite you for a week at your soonest convenience, so you can advice us about how you do it in Japan.

Date: 2033/04/14 2103EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Legal Representative, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: <spa_manager@ritz_charlton.com.ae>, < spa_manager@ritz_charlton.co.tr>
CC: “Louise”
Subject: our company’s latest project

Mr Recep Gul, Mr Abdullah Erdogan, dear colleagues:
The Equestrian project risks cancellation at great loss for our company.
Mrs Louise McKenzie has recommended you on your experience with gender-segregated spas.
I beg you to arrange a one-week visit to Equestria at your soonest convenience.
I thank you in advance.

Date: 2033/04/14 2106EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Legal Representative, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors”
Subject: Announcement: major delay

By this means, I need to announce that the Equestriani project needs to push back its opening day for at least a month. This is due to the “service room” situation forcing us to redesign the spa from scratch, enlarging it so much that it pushes a major redesign in the hotel’s public amenities and backstage.
To prevent even more delays, I wish to request the presence of the Corporate Director of Spa services, to be with us for two to three weeks.

Excerpts from "Equestriani Single Mother", February 2035 Edition

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Spa Reviews

WorkingMom2945 wrote:
I know the magazine usually only published reviews about working spas, rather than not-yet-working ones, but hear me out.
Like many other mares that read this magazine, I have seen my share of service rooms. Even under the best of circumstances, and inside the best spas, the service rooms will always feel somewhat... unclean. Well, I’ve been working on the construction for that new human hotel in Canterlot, the Ritz Charlton, and I helped to set up the service rooms. You would think that they would just make a room with two exits, a partition and a coffin, right? Well, instead of that, they had that “Sexytime” Super-expensive-furniture Company make then on HE, put them in these huge crates (2 by 2 by 7 meters) and bring them through portal. I was among the team that installed them, and they are absolutely fascinating: white ceiling to white floor, they are completely made of this squishy “silicone” plastic. And there’s absolutely no darkness in there: the light comes from the plastic itself, coming from everywhere and nowhere at once, even inside the coffin. I also heard some humans commenting about the sound system inside the rooms, and that they will be putting one of their 'computer' metal golems to play relaxing music through the walls.

And the mounting bed! At first glance it looks flimsy and uncomfortable, as it is pretty much nothing but a water sack, but these humans did something weird to it that makes it just give enough to be super-comfy without it flopping. And then there's this button that makes it start purring like it was a giant cat! And it is always at the right temperature! I wish I could describe it for non pegasai, but it feels like one of those super expensive cloud jacuzzis like the one my Mom got me to for my Cutieañera!

And for cleanness? What about that, as soon the room is empty (the room can tell when it’s empty), the walls part and out come these mean-looking metallic legs carrying water cannons and then literally scrub the whole room clean, then dry it with air nozzles. And I swear it: these legs leave it so clean that you feel like scum if you come in without having perfectly scrubbed yourself before entering. Good thing that you have to walk through the entire spa before even getting to the service rooms. By the way: did I mention the hotel has eight of this superb service rooms?

If I didn't already have my two lovely foals, I would pay whatever they want to charge. The hotel opens in May, so head's up!

page 35

Excerpts from "The Gentlestallion Digest", March 2035 Edition

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Letters to TGD:

MareLover4729 wrote:
Fifteen years following this magazine, and first time I have something worth telling you about!
Working on the construction of the spa for the Ritz Charlton Hotel in Canterlot, I found the ULTIMATE service rooms ever: all the white-on-white minimalistic design and smell of just-cleaned makes You feel dirty, rather than that subtle feeling of dirty that service rooms usually have. The coffin too is just like a white igloo rather than some usual wooden box, and has a soft, cushiony skin over a perfectly smooth frame that feels some sort of good weird. Then, when you mount the coffin, the skin of the coffin under your stomach begins undulating, and something rises from the floor and begins kneading your testes... Frankly, I never knew, or cared, if there actually was a mare inside the coffin.
A day-pass to this spa will be worth more than I make per week, but I think it would be worth it.

Page 5

Subject: Opening next week

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Date: 2035/04/07 1001EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Director of Franchise, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors”
Subject: Opening next week

At this point, there isn't a lot more to talk about: due to the uncanny efficiency of pony labourers, the hotel was completely finished three weeks ago and we are currently doing nothing but in-depth training of the various servers and supervisors.

About reservations: as expected, with weekday reservations averaging 50% occupation, rising to 80% on weekends, and fluctuating between 95 and 100% over the coming summer holidays. The only remarkable detail is that we have a solid 100% occupation on day passes for our spa, going from the very day of opening to well after the summer holidays. I just hope that this peculiar behaviour doesn't have to do with 'you know what'.

Anyway, we know to expect most of you to visit during the inauguration. Be prepared for hard cider, as that's the local equivalent of champagne.

Subject: A month after opening

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Date: 2035/05/14 0937EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Director of Franchise, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors”
Subject: A month after opening

Due to my accounting department reporting directly to the CFO, you know the financial situation of the Equestriani franchise every bit as well as I do: exceeds expectations to the point where we could achieve ROI in about 14 months. I must especially commend Chef Shandul: his implementation of non-human ingredients into Indian cuisine has been steadily bringing us glowing reviews, and attracting a steady stream of upper nobility. Too bad that humans can become violently sick from half of the menu, but we have to take the good with the bad.

Other than that, the only situation worth remarking is the 'you know what' at the spa: seems that every other pony who has bought a day pass seems interested in 'that', to the point where the second week we had to officially implement a 25-minute time limit per room usage; we are preserving hotel service by having reserved half of the 'special rooms' for hotel guests; we are currently preventing visible waiting lines by having customers enter a same-day schedule; and we are preventing walk outs by having implemented a 24-hour limit on the refund policy for day passes.
Besides, every single interview I have given about the property includes questions about these rooms. While I continue to stick to the fatalistic response we agreed as policy, and thus only say that we only did what Equestriani law and our business ethics required from us, the questions continue. The situation is uncomfortable.

The Ritual Quarterly, June 2035 Issue

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The Ritual Quarterly

Monitoring the Hotel, Spa and Resort industry across Equestria

Special Issue:

The Ritz Charlton Canterlot

June, 2035


Fellow professionals from all branches of the hotel, spa and resort industry,
Dear friends,

For the first time in my tenure as editor-in-chief of this journal, and for the fourth time in the 42 years of this magazine's history, a single property deserves enough space in our journal to consider that an issue is a special issue about them.

The Ritz Charton Hotel, Canterlot, is simply humbling.There is no other way to describe clockwork-perfect service that somehow manages to feel relaxed and homely.

Learn what you can from this issue. The Equestriani industry cannot afford to be so ridiculously outclassed.

Yours truly,

Silver Spoon

Editor-In-Chief, The Ritual Quarterly


Putting the "fresh" in fresco: the fine art of pushing the boundaries of interior design without crossing into the tacky

Page 4

The human that eats hay: Chef Shandul Sangma does what has never been tried before and 'translates' the HE equivalent of Loxonian cuisine to Equestriani palates.

Page 13

The New Taste Of Animal Flesh: Carnivorous food critic Chef Gustav Le'Grand reviews "El Cambalache", the first carnivorous restaurant to try for high-star rating in Equestria. Warning: Graphic content can be disturbing.

Page 27

Eating in: The Room Service Head Waiter, Kasumi Tendo, talks to us about how can her department deliver up to 200 meals per hour in a hotel with 250 rooms.

Page 34

In good spirits: Tequilier Rodrigo Ascarraga and Sommelier Berry Shine talk to us about stoking a total variety of 331 drinks and spirits from both Earths, including 89 varieties of Tequila for "Agave Azul", the first tequila bar in Equestria.

Page 39

Fresh mornings and cozy evenings: The maid in chief, Magda McAlester, talks to us about the impressive results attained by maid service that cleans the rooms in the morning, then makes them cozy in the evening.

Page 43

Walls on tracks: How the Convention Centre can be transformed to accommodate from 20 pax cocktails to 1,500 pax conferences without ever feeling either too roomy or too crowded.

Page 48

Papaya rubs and hot boulder massages: Spa Manager Aristoteles Pelopidas talks to us about the Spa menu and how have they adapted many human spa service techniques to pony customers.

Page 55

"So clean that you can lick the floor." Our reviewers evaluate the service rooms and agree that they score beyond our current scoring system.

Page 68

"The Ritz Charlton spared absolutely no expenses, so we did our best to deliver" Interview with Kasumi Miyamoto, Chief Designer for Sexy Time Movables, the design firm that designed these superb service rooms.

Page 76

"They make perfect service look so easy." Our team of mystery clients goes into the property and gives their opinions on the service.

Page 81

Letters and Feedback from the previous issue

Page 86

Last Page

Page 91

Subject: Scandal summary

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Date: 2036/01/14 1045EST
From: Tiberius Swartz, Director of Franchise, The Ritz Charlton Hotel Company Equestria <t.swartz@ritz_charlton.co.eq>
To: “Group: Corporate Board of Directors”
Subject: Scandal summary

Most of you must be well aware of the situation, but I'll summarize for anybody who might be out of the loop:

(1) Through the recommendation of Equestriani pop singer Glitter Dust, American pop singer Dana Snow had her agents book a Service Room for her upcoming visit to Canterlot, as the final AE destination of her 2035 "Love Has No Boundaries" World Tour.

(2) Her Service Room was scheduled for 2035/11/09, 1630-1655EST. I have been made aware that Mr. Pelopidas, our Spa Manager, has the policy to be made personally aware whenever a human customer reserves a Service Room. As such, he was ready to attend to her personally when she jumped out. Turns out this one was the fifth incident so far since the Spa opened, although this one was the first time when the lady in question wanted to make a scandal. The policy in place was that, as soon as a human customer demanded we call law enforcement, we would also call a list of pony reporters working for various human news outlets.

(3) As expected, the police investigation laid no responsibilities either on our company or on the male customer. The reporters, also as expected, published stories about Mrs. Snow being a whiny customer, making reservations months in advance and then going as far as getting police involved on wanting to make a scandal about her getting 'cold hooves'.

(4) As you would know, the subject of Service Rooms went all around human media from mid-November through December. And, as you would also know, the name of Ritz Charlton wasn't dragged through the mud as we would have feared, and the various debates centred on Equestriani customs and pony gender makeup.

(5) Business Effects: Once the various debates were underway, we saw a slight increase in cancellations and a slight decrease of reservations for lone business travellers coming from HE, although this was compensated as domestic customers once again booked us solid through the winter holidays and beyond. Also, reservations beyond 90 days show that, while single-occupancy business travel is declining, is it being replaced with double occupancy mixed purpose travel. It can be speculated that people aren't letting their spouses come alone to Equestria.
I must clarify, too: these effects are being felt throughout the Equestriani hotel industry, as sector data mirrors our own graphs. We don't seem to have been singled out at all.

So, the figurative "other boot" finally fell, and we seem to have survived unscathed the expected scandal.
I guess it is now just business.

See you soon for the groundbreaking ceremony at Manehattan.