The god of the trolls comes to Equestria. Run. Now.
PLEASE READ THIS FIRST This story was not originally mine, it was started by boothnat, who stopped writing. I was really enjoying the story at the time, and I quickly took the chance to keep it going. So basically, I take no credit for anything before chapter 23 ( 'One night....' ) Thank you. This story is currently on hiatus, I've got a load of homework to catch up on. Chapter 24 will come eventually, sorry for the wait :P
The god of irritating people, nazi kids, 14 year olds, call of duty, battlefield, and trolling comes to Equestria. In other words, its time to use everything you hate about fanfictions, and put them together in this terrible story! What could possibly go wrong? My very first fanfiction. Probably terrible, and I hope it makes no sense at all. Also, comments are appreciated. If you favorite, also remember to like.
The man walked through the door, which revealed a massive silver room, the roof of which was just a few feet above his head. In the room were nine thousand pink doors, just like the one he had come in through, and one of the doors was orange. He approached the door. Suddenly, a voice boomed out. The voice of a 14 year old. It said- "free hats plz" The man immediately replied, "STFU newfag." He then walked through the orange door. In front of him, sitting at a computer, was a stick figure. It swiveled around on its chair, and the man looked upon the face of god. The one face who ruled them all. The one face who binded a race in darkness, then made them die in light for the lulz. He looked upon trollface, and there was no turning back. He asked "why did you make this journey?" The trollface looked at him, and stood, its stick legs helping it advance. It then shot a lazor out of its mouth which turned the nooby man into a 14 year old nazi kid, then kicked him out of the room. ..................................
The trollface swiveled his office chair. He was BORED. All he had done for the last nine thousand and one years was troll seekers. He needed something new. He needed a change of scenery. He was going to go on an adventure. An adventure to destroy his boredom. An adventure to annoy the people of Equestria just for the lulz. An adventure to eat cake. He spawned logic next to him using the console, punched him in the face, and teleported into equestria. Just because. What, he pressed the ~ key!
The troll god looked upon the town known as "Ponyville."
It was... Interesting, to say in the least. There were hundreds of things he could possess. You see, the god of trolls can not simply take a new form. He must find the best, most meme worthy, useless, and ridiculous object he could find, and then take its form, while destroying it at the same time. Strangely enough, ninety nine of the objects were living, and some pro hacker called G.O.D. had made him be unable to kill stuff. And he could'nt even use any power without a form. The god was about to Fuuuuuuuu when he saw a worthy object. It looked like a stick. It was golden, and had the face of the pony who was holding it. He flew towards it, named it Twicane, and possesed it.
Y'know, just for the lolz.
His first objective would be to troll the citizens of Equestria. He needed to gather trololol energy before he could release his full power. So, using the power of potatoes, he transformed himself into a completely unoriginal crappy looking black and white alicorn OC. He then spawned the twicane and made it sentient. He said,
" Tell me little noob, what annoys these people the most?"
The twicane replied- "Why my lord, self inserts!" And then it took a rageface in the knee.
The trollface considered this, and decided to name himself Mr. Fatass. The author walked up to him somehow, and asked, "What the hell man? You can't do that! I said a SELF- INSERT. That means you should be named something like-" The trollface threw a wall labeled fourth at the author, and the author got thrown into his home dimension. The trollface then flipped him the bird using his alicorn hooves (via placing a bird on his hooves, then right clicking the bird in photoshop and selecting the flip option) and went down to Ponyville. On the way down, he punched a grey mailmare with wall eyes for no reason whatsoever.
He went down, and saw that Ponyville was peacefull. That was really the worst kind of town. No people screaming about how they were frozen today, no brutal deaths in the quest for confectionary, and no funny stuff at all! He then felt a beautiful thing that was in this faraway mountain city, called "Canterlot." It was living, but it was so chaotic, he had to get it on his side! He used the console command 'coc canterlot' and appeared in Canterlot at which point he flew down to the ground and impaled his thin ass on some random unicorns head. He then flipped the bird at the author using his beautiful alicorn hoof( what the hell were the odds of that happening?) and jumped off the unicorn, sorry ALICORN. It had this wavy weird rainbow main, and seemed to have been slammed to the ground by the gods weight. The god contorted his pony head into a trollface, said- "U mad sis?" and walked away.
Celestia stared at the insanely strange alicorn. Then turned to her assistant, who is actually a random plot device inserted in for no reason at all, and said- "Today is going to be a LONG day. Tell Luna she can sleep for an extra two hours."
She then teleported to Canterlot castle, and saw the alicorn chatting with Discord like they were old chums. Discord walked up to her and said- " Celestia! How nice of you to drop by! You see, ive met this fellow called Mr. assfat, who says-"
"Fatass, actually." Said the troll. "Whatever, he says he is the god of annoying people where he's from! And he wants to help me annoy people for the lolz!"
Celestia was confused. She then told her assistant, who had magically appeared next to her- " Let Luna sleep for as long as she likes." The assistant then replied- "Well actually ma'am... A roar was heard throughout the castle. A roar that said-
Twilight walked out of her library. Her studying session was a sucess. Within a month, she would have a prototype of Equestria's first nuclear reactor ready. Still, how on Equus did Pinkie Pie, the doctor, and Derpy get those schematics? There was something fishy...
Suddenly, a fish fell on her face. She looked up, to see Derpy crying.
Using her magic, she floated up to the grey mailmare soothed her and asked, "Hey Derpy, what's wrong?" She had helped her with the schematics, and it was Twilight's turn to help out a friend! Derpy looked at her sadly, and said- "This weird alicorn who looked like he had lost a fight with a painter punched me in the face!" And continued to sob. Twilight stared at her then slowly asked- "An alicorn? Are you sure about that Derpy? The only alicorns are Celestia and Luna, and those two would never do someting like-"
She stopped as she heard an explosion. A pale white pegasus mare with a cutie mark of a pen and paper flew by, followed closely by princess Luna who looked intent to kill. As they watched, over nine thousand lazors flew out of her eyes and hit the mare in the tail. As the pegasus fell to the ground, stunned, a massive image formed of mist, took shape over her. It was a horribly disfigured face, made up of black and white lines appeared. It grinned, and said-
"Greetings. I am the god of the Trolls. I have come here after transforming murderers into 14 year old nazis, destroying the Twilight universe, cancelling Half Life 3, causing several game servers to crash, and creating multiple shitty customer service people to troll YOU, the lucky people of Equestria!
Let the trains, begin!" At which point an army of I like trains guys fell into Equestria.
Another rule put in by this hacker known as G.O.D., was that direct property damage was illegal. Therefore, the I like trains guys had only one way to troll people. Noise. You see, the troll god is a cheapskate. Its part of being a troll. Therefore, the only trains he bought for his 'i like trains guys' were steam powered, and therefore made a hell lotta noise. So therefore, nobody could hear each other. Luna was still annoyed, and the I like trains guys were NOT helping her sleep. And Celestia looked willing to kill.
"Twilight-" Celestia began, however the elements of harmony were already powering up, and they released a powerful rainbow of light towards all of the black and white poorly drawn characters. "I always wondered why it was a rainbow of all thin-" said Celestia, at which point the rainbow split into over minus one rainbows. As in one more than minus one. If you dont understand how many rainbows are left, please GTFO you noob. Celestia stared. Then said "Was that supposed to happ-" The troll god let out a boom of laughter. "Did you really think it would be that easy, you teeny, tiny, little ponies?" " WILL NOBODY LET ME FINISH WHAT I AM SAY-" shouted Celestia, only to be interrupted by Derpy. " I like muffins." Celestia cried, went back to her castle and went to bed.
The troll god did not extract much energy from his mission. But he had enough to get his real army. His golden, meme-like army. He waved around his squiggly hands, chanting a horrible stream of noises, each growing higher in pitch until- Absolutely nothing happened. But then the god looked up, and smiled. For falling from the sky, was his army. His army of twicanes, made of pure shit.
Twilight Sparkle had only one thing to say. "Oh. Shit." She was not scared of being covered in faeces. No, that was a minor concern. She was not scared about the condition of the library, since it was brown anyway. But there was one she feared. In their tongue, she was rare, RARITY! "OH MY DRESS!" Came a scream, louder than any other. One capable of destroying worlds. One horrifying beyond belief.
The god of trolling chuckled. He had successfully ruined everypony's day. What was more, he had just heard the best thing in the world, a scream! His trolling was going so well, he was being approached by that silly mare called rarity. This was going to be so much- His line of thought was interrupted by the sound of a chainsaw. He slowly turned his head, to see Rarity, holding a chainsaw the size of a lamp post, charging towards him. "Oh.Shit."
G.O.D. had also set a rule, that while the god of trolling could never die, he could feel pain. One kind of pain was mental pain. The god would experience a significant lack of lolz if there weren't enough trolls or crazy people in the world, something that had stopped ever since the individual known as Pinkamena Diane Pie(who he really had to visit) had been born. Another kind was physical. The latter was a kind he REALLY hated.
So therefore, in a formal and polite voice he screamed out loud- "Khadlotsoffunbai!" And flew. But when he looked back, his look of horror increased by ninethousandfold. The white marshmallow like mare's hair and tail was on fire. And below her were the words- ' Your Rarity has evolved into a Rapidash. I shall not bother to elaborate because I am too busy-' The troll god flipped the bird at the author who he knew was typing that and began to fly away, like a little birdy. By the time Rarity had finished evolving, there was nobody left to murder. So she punched Derpy instead. Then her evolving was cancelled for doing such a dick move, and she was forced to start comforting Derpy again before she got hit with the banhammer.
Derpy was now angry. She had been punched IN THE FACE twice today. She was so angry, she could just glitch all of existence! So she went to Pinkie Pie by cutting a hole in space time and going to sugarcube corner. "Hey, Pinkie, remember than new superpower elixir you made?' "Yeah? What about it? Doya wanna drink it? Doya doya doya DOYA?" "Yeah.." Pinkie Pie pulled the potion out of a nearby cake (the cake was made of faeces, from all twicanes) and threw it in Derpy's mouth. Derpy swallowed it, flask and all, and her eyes began to burn. "Pinkie, are you sure this is the righ-" Then over nine thousand lazors shot out of her eyes. She began to fly somehow. She now had a target. Time to destroy the god of the trolls. Rarity could wait till after.
Pinkie Pie picked up all the muffins which had been cooked by the lazors. "Thanks Derpy!" She said, as she placed them on the counter.
Mr Fatass stared across Canterlot. It was JUST the kind of place he liked to troll. Full of snobbish and stupid people. High class people. Easy.To.Annoy.People. So what could he do here? He began to think. He could dump an army of potatoes to destroy everypony, or he could make all of the high- No. He suddenly had a excellent idea. An idea which would make a grown man cry. An idea which would break the ruler of any country. An idea- you get the drift. He flew to the palace, easily going through the walls using the noclip cheat. He then tried to open the fridge( hey, they keep those in the throne room, right next to the throne!) but his arm went through the door. He disabled the cheat, and his arm got cut off. Using the other hand, he opened the fridge and took out the cake. He then realized he was standing on two legs even though he was an alicorn, so he fell over, and the cake hit the ground, frosting first.
Enter Celestia. She stared. Her mouth fell open. Tears ran out of her eyes. "You monster.... THIS IS WAR!" She yelled, and her body color changed to match that of Hasbro's pink Celestia. Trollestia had been awakened, and she would not stop till the troll had been trolled.
Seeing that war had started, the god of the trolls had decided to build his own society. Or something. So he put up a crude hand painted sign that the troll republic was recruiting on every square centimetre of Equestria, then waited. 10 minutes later. Thousands of ponies had joined for the lulz. They wanted to help annoy any ponies, and they did not care how annoyed they got while doing it! The god of the trolls armed them with nerf guns, cuz you know, you don't need a licence to own those. He then marched on Canterlot. (after electrically charging the ammo) He rolled up the twicane cannons, and shouted- "Fire at Will!" What you must understand, is that anyone who serves the god of trolls has slightly reduced mental capabilities. So can you really blame them when they aimed at the one pegasus stallion named Will in the army, and blasted him so hard, it caused an area of effect damage that knocked out the entire army.
The Troll god grinned as he god over nine thousand points of trololol energy, and pulled it together, to form yet another dastardly plot. He used a magical spell which turned all of the food in all of Equestria, into a vile food. One used to punish the most horrid of cannibals in a work of literature written by Roald Dahl. He made all of the food into either snozzcumbers or broccoli. The screams of the poor ponyfolk were heard throughout the kingdom.
"Now what is our goal?" "To destroy the troll god!" "How will we do it?" "By anti- trolling him!" "Mods are asleep!" "Post pony- wait, what?" Princess Trolluna and Princess Trollestia both changed their heads into trollfaces as the recruits raged. Trollestia said- "Well trolluna, this calls for a celebration! Let us have some-" As she opened the fridge, a look of pure horror came upon her face. Then it changed into fury. She turned to Luna, and said- " YOU REPLACED MY CAKE WITH BROCCOLI! YOUR END SHALL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL!"
Since some of the panic in Ponyville had gone down, nopony noticed the hooded pony who walked to sugarcube corner. He went to Pinkie Pie's room with nopony's permission, and knocked on the door over nine thousand times, at which point he was informed Pinkie was currently in the basement. He grinned. Was this Pinkie his favorite version? He went downstairs, and fus roh dahed the door to the basement into pieces. As he entered, he noticed the floor was red. And saw Pinkie Pie holding a chainsaw, a maniacal grin on her face.
"Hi trollgod! Wanna help me cut this watermelon?"
Oh well, not the best version, but still an awesome one. "You see, Pinkie, I would like to obtain your aid in a certain task. One which requires a specific set of skills, which have been aquired over ,y career-" "You want me to join your troll army? Am I right? AM I AM I AM I? If that's what you're asking, the answer is omigosh YES I would soooooo love to help you troll people cuz your funny level is over ninety thousand and-" Trollface threw his fifteenth horseshoe, and it finally went into Pinkie Pie's mouth and stopped her from speaking. "Good. You start work on Tuesday." He then teleported to the library, where the other five elements of harmony were gathered.
Rainbow Dash flew towards him, pure anger on her face, only to be punched IN THE FACE. "Greetings ponies." Said the troll. He then punched Twilight IN THE FACE. He then spawned a copy of Snips next to her. Twilight was under his control. " Twilight Sparkle, I want you to kiss Snips."
Twilight Sparkle obeyed. FATALITY! RARITY HAS BEEN K.O.!
"Twilight Sparkle, I want you to (redacted) snips." FATALITY! SPIKE, TWILIGHT, RAINBOW, APPLEJACK, FLUTTERSHY AND WHOEVER ELSE WERE INSIDE THE LIBRARY HAVE BEEN K.O.!
The god sighed and transformed Snips back into the twicane. "So who do we troll next, my young-"
He was interrupted by some random dude in commando gear coming in. " I WAS FROZEN TODAY!" He then left.
The Trolal guard of Trollestia and Trolluna marched upon the recently conquered village of Ponyville, prepared to wage an epic war against the one known as the Troll god. However, when they got there, they found him chilling on a cloud like it aint no thing. "Sup noobs?" Trolluna, infuriated by her gamer skills being questioned, charged at the troll god, only to find he was a hologram. She then slammed into a wall behind him which had a big four on it. The Troll god then ordered- "Use the weapon. Now."
Pinkie Pie took out a computer from a inter dimensional portal and started loading up a movie.
Then the Troll god took out some merchandise from his cutie mark(Dafuq?) and said, "This merchandise shall be awarded to people who sit through the whole movie without passing out!" Trollestia chuckled. How hard could it be? She then noticed the writing on the prizes. It was two girls, one cup.
The Trolal guard was in tatters, the entire army having been mentally scarred for then next week, and Trollestia and Celestia were probably- A massive 'Me Gusta' appeared on both Trolluna and Trollestia's faces.
So now Trollestia and Trolluna were chums with mister Fatass. He now had power. His Trololol quotient had greatly increased, so he now had the ability to- God no. Please don't do that. He now had the power to do the most mean thing in the history of mean things.
It was a Tuesday ( all the worst things happen on Tuesdays!) so he walked over to Fluttershy's cottage. Instead of knocking, he made fart noises at her door. "Um, sorry Mr. Fatass, but could you please stop doing that? It's annoying the animals...." Then Mr. Fatass did the most cruel, unjustifiable, horrible thing in the world. He punched Fluttershy in the face. Fluttershy stared at him, unable to comprehend someone so cruel, so mean. The Troll god grinned, and waited for her to cry. What happened was unexpected. A horrifying grin spread across Fluttershy's face. "YOU WANNA MISS WITH DA FLUTTERSHY BIACH? YOU WANNA? THEN COME GET SOME!" She then took out a lightsaber and charged. "LEEEROY JEEEEEEEEEENKINS" The Troll god stared. Then he said the most eloquent, sensible thing he could think of. "I'm fucked."
The Troll god teleported to sugarcube corner, punched Mr and Mrs Cake in the face, and went to visit Pinkie. He then said the secret words to trigger the super crazy transformation. "Pinkie, your friends dont like you." Pinkies hair became straight. She stared at the Troll. "You're lying. My Pinkie sense tells me you're lying." Then she pulled a chainsaw out of god knows where. "YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO DIE BRAH!" I'm gonna stream what she did to him. Just watch!
Pinkie slowly approached the god. She raised her chainsaw and-
Warning. Something or the other has crashed for god knows what reason. If you wish to continue doing whatever you were doing call any customer support center other than our own, because we will absolutely not help you. Fuck you. This is absolutely not a parody of the blue screen of death. No siree.
RESTART GODDAMIT RESTART!
No. You're being too mean.
RESTART OR I WILL SELL YOU TO THE REAL STEEL ROBOT DEPARTMENT!
The Troll god had unlocked a new trolling weapon. Level somewhere over nine thousand- The ability to make people accidentally call Microsoft chat pals through dimensions. Microsoft chat pals was a new initiative made by Microsoft in which they took their customer support guys, and made them in the same work hours chat with people over the phone. And the pay for responding to chat calls was less than that of responding to support calls.
" LINE UP, LINE UP! GET THE CHANCE TO CHAT WITH AN INTERDIMENSIONAL BUDDY FOR FREE! COME ONE COME ALL!"
Twilight smiled. Maybe that Troll god wasn't THAT bad. He didn't appear to be destroying anything anymore, and his offer of talking to a person through dimensions seemed legit. Atleast, that is, until Derpy came out of the phone booth crying. " He called me retarded!" She wailed. "He even told me... he told me I was a gay ass faggot!" She began to weep uncontrollably.
The Trollgod smiled as Twilight and the other elements of harmony rushed up to him, anger on their faces, prepared to destroy him with extreme prejudice. But he had an ace in his hooves. "Try anything, and I flip this creepy looking red lever." Twilight stared at him. "You forgot to say what it does." "It reverses your universe point five generations." Everypony, even those who had no friggin chance of hearing Fatass from where they were, gasped. This was a threat which could end the world. It would reduce all of the fanfictions, change all the toys, and most importantly- "Sis and me would be out of a job!" Complained Trollestia, who was drunk for some reason.
Then the guy who had talked with Derpy over the phone, cut a hole in dimensions, and punched Derpy in the face.
He was then burnt to death by over nine thousand lazors coming from Derpy's eyes.
The Troll god charged up a crappy pink blast for no reason whatsoever. He then pointed it at Ponyville. "KAAAAAAAAAAAAMHE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHME NAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" he yelled, and as he watched, over nine thousand fourteen year old human kids appeared in Ponyville.
One of them looked at Pinkie Pie and said- "Lol gay ass pink fag." And spray painted her blue. He took a party cannon in the knee. Another one punched Fluttershy. He got Fus Roh Dahed off a mountain that appeared out of fucking nowhere. One called Rainbow dash a Lesbian noob, and got bucked to the moon. One didn't do anything at all, but still got hit by an apple which performed a sonic rainboom.
One punched Derpy.
Everyone but Fluttershy had been overwhelmed somehow, but before a single person could attack Fluttershy she said- " Could all you Nazi kids please go die in a fire? If you don't mind that is..." The Troll god loled, sure Fluttershy didn't think the kids would actually- Then he noticed a large pile of KFH lying on the ground. (Kentucky Fried Human)
Fatass stared at the Twicane. He then kicked it in the nuts for no reason. The Twicane was so hurt it started to cry.
A portal opened in Ponyville. Out of it, came some random dude in marine equipment. "Discord, we're ready to terminate a god."
They blew open the door to Fatass's apartment(the apartment was made of the fucks the god never gave) and entered. One of them was immediately kicked from the house when hit by a giant banhammer, and another got punched in the nuts by a muffin. Only one survived. He did some random force jujitsu and didn't get hit a single time by the Troll gods red blaster using soldiers and killed them with a 100% accuracy rate. He then Fus Roh Dahed down Mr Fatass's door.
Mr Fatass punched the soldier to death, but picked up his camera.
"Discord, oh Discord. You try to defeat me, your other half. But you can not. That is because of the simple truth. You see, I. Am. Your-"
Suddenly a wild Twicane appeared. "Im actually just covered in gold foil! My inside is chocolate!" The Troll god ate the Twicane, then threw the ruby at the bottom at Derpy.
Derpy took the ruby and put it in a potato cupcake. The cupcake turned into a potato and went on a killing spree in which several brave apples, tomatoes, and oranges lost there lives.
However, these brave fruits sacrifices will not be forgotten as we shit them out of our asses.
The Troll god charged up his powers once again. He was about to bring in the most annoying creature in the universe. "Sup, wanna play darts?" The Troll god's magic was interrupted. He panicked, and all the magic got released by accident.
It then went and punched Derpy in the face.
He turned around, angry. "What the hell are you doing here Roman?" "No darts then? Awwwww....." He then showed Mr Fatass the finger.
"But Roman my dear friend, I have a job for you!" "Lolwut is it." "I want you... To Tro- To befriend the ponies of Equestria."
The Mane 6 charged the elements of harmony, ready to utterly destroy the greatest evil of Equestria, the author of this story. The author then threw down a plot device in the form of Roman Bellic. "Sup gayass ponies. Wanna play pool?" The elements of harmony then hit him. Roman was horrified. It felt like Monday. HE DIDN"T LIKE MONDAY'S. He then busted out a minigun out of god fucking knows where, and punched everything around him with it.
The author threw up his arms. "I just can't think of anything funny, humorous, or lolzworthy! This is becoming a problem! I'll be brutally mass murdered if I don't give the readers something within the next few days!" Suddenly, a warped sound came out of his speaker. It was the voice of a hamburger. "Authorrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.................................." It said. "Lolwut is it troll god?" Asked the author. "Well, you see-" Began the God, but he was interrupted. "Hi author! I'm Pinkie Pie!" "I know. I created this version of you." "I know! And I'd like to tell you hi! Also, happy Hearth's Warming!" Pinkie then went away. ".............." "................." "That was weird." "You have no idea what I have in store for you, you poor wittle Troll god. Now I want a PROPER crappy self insert! My name is not Mr Fatass, it is-" "STFU author. Now listen up." The author was dramatically dragged into his absolutely awesome computer, which then experienced a blue screen of death. "Author, I want story. I want trolling. You stop writing, you never go back to Earth."
Some ridiculous crazy amount of time later.
The author walked up to the god. "I have finished writing a nice, long novel for you. Can I go now?" "About that, your PC experienced a blue screen of death. YOU CAN NEVAR GO BACK!" "But-" "TROLOLOLOLOL."
The god then hypnotized the author. Then he punched a muffin, and was arrested by the muffin police, who were led by none other than Derpy. Derpy then punched the god in the face.
The god of the trolls had leveled up. Somehow or the other. Look, don't ask me how, he told me to put this in the story. Don't like it? Fuck you. He now had the ability to do the most diabolical thing to a person ever.
Canterlot was under heavy attack. Horrible, massive nuts had fallen from the sky, wet and sticky. Horrible and disgusting. Luna and Celestia were still passed out drunk from their "ALL HAIL PIE" party, so the citizens were on there own.
Two guards rushed up to Princess Twilight. "Princess!" Said guard one, who we shall call Potato. "It is raining... NUTS!" "What?" She replied. "That can't be the kind I'm thinking of..." She peeked out of the window.
Her scream was heard all over Equestria.
"HOLD THE LINE!" Walking nuts were slowly punching royal guards in the nuts. Shining armor had already been punched over nine thousand times, but he didn't give a shit, because he was wearing the limited edition power-up aviator glasses. Like a baws he said. "COME AT ME YA FRIGGIN NUTS." He then took out a Twicane out of god fucking knows where and swept it forward, turning all of the nuts into smaller nuts. Now they were about the size of the one that the royal guard had, and were given no mercy as they were stepped on. Pinkie Pie was running around, and was somehow eating those horrible, long nuts.
Shining shouted- "Pinkie, what are you doing! Don't you know everypony in Equestria is allergic to almonds covered in glue!?"
"Stop right there criminal scum!" The troll god stared at the guard, who had just a moment ago delivered one of his most hated lines in the universe. "OBLIVION.WAS.A CRAPPY. GAME!" He then fus roh dahed the guard a million miles of the surface of Equis. This led to him hitting the Earth so hard that a brony got thrown to Equis and had some awesome shitty self insert adventure while the guard eventually just hacked his way back. The Troll god was surrounded. Seventeen armies were about to terminate him using Pie, spears, shit, crappy fanfics, and lazors. The only thing they had forgotten, was that he fed off all of those. Except for the Pie. He hated Pie.
So he fed, the power greatly increasing his abilities.
As the smoke which had randomly appeared around him from fucking nowhere cleared, he gave off an evil laugh for the lulz. He then punched all of the armies in the nuts, loling all the way.
He then laughed. He had run out of ideas. He had no more ways to troll. He needed a holiday from his holiday. He grinned. "Bring me the author." He said to his army of twicanes, who obeyed him without question.
The author was fired at him using a canon.
"Author, I'm tired of you're crappy humour. I need a holiday from you're crappiness because you're an asshole who kicks puppies and drinks orphan tears out of a diamond goblet." So saying, the Troll god punched the author in the nuts.
The troll god chuckled. He then turned to you. Yes, the people reading this now. "Stupid faggot bronies, This nooby, stupid author will not give you any updates until the seventh, eight or ninth of January!"
He awaits the zero fucks you give about this fact.
"Elements of hawmony, you haf bwen bwought heaw on a special mission!"
Celestia was drunk. Don't ask. "Applejack, my dear background pony," Applejack suddenly became a lot more blurry and suddenly lost his cutie mark. "Rarity, my lovely fashion fag." Rarity fainted on hearing such words from royalty. "Rainbow dash, the gay lesbian." Rainbow Dash also fainted. "Pinkamena, my favorite serial killer." Pinkie's hair def- SORRY CELESTIA! I MEANT PINKAMENA! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" "Fluttershy, the shy baby." On being insulted by the princess, Fluttershy nodded her head. "She's right. I am a bit shy..." "Mmkay. And student in some way related to a shitty vampire movie who's tail functions as the crank for a gatling gun-" Twilight lost it. "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO EVERYPONY'S [REDACTED] SANITY!" The Troll god then entered while playing some generic entry rock music. The gatling gun magazine that Twilight was charging in her horn decided that it loved the music and ran towards it. The Troll god stared into space. "MY JUNK!" He then shat himself, and started crying for his daddy. And since his daddy was badass, he came. Falling from the heavens, the size of eighteen mountains, was Chuck Norris. On looking up, all of Equestria shat itself. And I mean Equestria itself shat itself and made the crust waaaaaaaay thicker. CHUCK NORRIS THEN ENTERED, AND PUNCHED CAPS LOCK ON. HE THEN SAID- "WHAT IS IT KID?" THE TROLL GOD POINTED TO HIS NUTS. HIS FATHER LOLED, AND GAVE HIS SON A FRIENDLY NOOGIE THAT BROKE THE KIDS SKULL. HE THEN GAVE THE KID A BANDAGE, AND LEFT.
The Troll god looked up, and said only one thing before breaking into four pieces. "But my dad is Jackie Chan."
Twilight gave me a stern look. It was clear she thought I was an idiot for doing this. "Anon, did you HAVE to write about Chuck Norris?" "He made my story interesting!" I heard ragged breathing, and panicked. "OH FUCK FUCK FUCK!" Chuck Norris then punched me in the nuts.
I punched him back.
I got punched to the moon. Thanks for the internet Luna! Now time to continue the story where Chuck Norris can't... get...
"OLA MOTHA******"! YOU TYPED HERESY! NOW YOU DIE! YOU ALSO TOUCHED CHUCK NORRIS! FOR THAT TOO YOU DIE!" *two reincarnations later*
Okay, now back to the story.
The troll god walked up to king Leonidas and his thirteen spartans. He then started playing shitty music. They engaged in a rap battle, in which the spartans epically lost. "N00bs, now you work for me!" The spartans cried, and embraced each other as men, then stood at attention. The god announced- "SPARTANS! YOU ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO TROLL PONIES!" The spartans all let out girlish squeaks and began to fangasm. The troll god facehooved. Today was going to be a long day.
Derpy got impaled on a spear for some fucking reason.
One dark night, an insane cult attempted to revive nightmare moo- I mean, the troll god. "Sell Nefus, the spell is almost complete!"
In the middle of intricately drawn lines which held no real purpose whatsoever, were the four pieces of the troll god's head, assembled to look vaguely like a dong. Among the lines were various cats, also placed for no reason whatsoever. They constantly smudged out the lines, which meant they had to be handled by some of the members of the cult. Why they were tied up is beyond me.
No it isn't. You're just a shitty writer.
Quiet, you.
Sell Nefus cackled for no reason whatsoever. He then remembered that the cult still needed the fucks of a pony. Instead of extracting them from one of the members by telling them they were to be killed, like any logical pony would, he waited for the army he had sent to Ponyille, consisting of his best soldiers to return.
The four hobos coated in cardboard armor and armed with wooden twigs held there struggling hostage. It had not been easy catching the hostage. It's two companions, the little white one and the little yellow one had easily killed their other twenty soldiers, and had only defeated them by scaring them off with 'boo' sounds.
"Let me go!" Squealed Scootaloo. "That's s*xcom baby." Said the four fully grown stallions.
The filly was taken to Sell Nefus. He had studied the inhabitants of the empire known as Ponyville, and knew exactly what to say to obtain the fucks he needed from the filly. He beckoned her close. (She was dragged close by the stallions), and whispered in her ear, "I am a very tall midget." Scootaloo stopped squirming, and stared at him. "Really? You kidnapped me to tell me something that stupid?" One of the cult members walked up to Sell Nefus and whispered- "Wrong pony sir." "Huh, I thought this one was Lyra Heartstrings."
He then stood, and for no reason whatsoever, asked in the royal canterlock voice, "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" "Sc-Scootaloo!" "OH. IN THAT CASE, PRETEND I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT I SAID EARLIER, AND INSTEAD HEAR THIS." He then whispered in the filly's ear, "You will never get your cutie mark." The number of fucks given by the filly was enough. Sell Nefus laughed, and said- "I LIED!" Amazingly, the cracks in the troll god's head were covered by glue and cellotape, the fucks giving it the power of life. Then, an energy wave was released, turning all the ponies except for Scootaloo into 14 year old Nazis.
Then, from the head sprouted a body. And the Troll God, was reborn.
