Trapped in an unfamiliar and mysterious forest, 23 ponies are faced with a life-threatening danger every hour. In an isolated room stands a computer which contains all the information needed for survival. Rainbow Dash does her very best to get this information to the ponies in the forest, but this might turn out to be harder than it seems.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Very interesting concept executed rather poorly. Too quick to reveal shocking moments, and sloppy formatting. Do not pass go, do not collect 200$.
2446888Have you got any ideas about how I might improve on this? I've always had trouble with pacing and no matter how many times I try to write something, it doesn't seem to get any better with just practice. It would be great if you had any tips on how I might actually get better at it. :D
MOAR!!
2447588
You're telling the narrative. You're supposed to SHOW the narrative.
Think of it as two ways to tell a story, what you're doing is something like this:
'JOHN IS A GOOD BOY. HE LIKES GOOD THINGS. HE GOES TO GOOD JOB. HE HAS GOOD FRIEND. HE DOESN'T LIKE BAD THINGS LIKE KILLING.'
What you need to do to actually pace something is to show things through actions, not dialogue (usually, you have to be really advanced to pull dialogue narrative off), not personalized narration unless it's a omnipotent viewpoint story (in which it has to remain in this view), and certainly not flat written exposition, like you're trying to write the world's most boring synopsis.
Alright, yes, John is a good boy. Fine. Fantastic. We can take that at face value. But why? What event can we have him go through to show this trait?
Perhaps he could have a philosophical discussion with a friend of his while walking down the street after dropping a donation off at the orphanage, and he apologizes to a person he randomly bumps into. He helps them pick up their dropped stuff and goes on talking about whatever he was talking about, probably how world peace is a pretty good thing and proper hygiene is important.
Sure, John is a two dimensional character that is obviously just a single trait stretched over a cardboard cutout, (like Apple Jack, BOOSH) but the exposition was much more interesting. It was also properly paced, and for a moment, if you were to pretend I took the time to write that in prose, you cared about John. You cared because you could sympathize and relate with what he was doing, even if it wasn't a big world ending problem, or a relationship issue, or something else equally as cliche'.
I have to go to work right now, but check out my singular story as an example of showing a narrative. It's only a thousand words, should only take three minuets to read.
2452558I'll definitely check out your story and try to play around with this a bit! thanks for the feedback :D
2452598
Thanks for the consideration then.