A Neanderthal in Equestria

by Piquo Pie

Of The Good King and Pourk

With a satisfied groan Twilight Sparkle finished her morning stretches before tucking in the sheets to her bed with a carefull nip. Nice and Taut, just as she liked it, not a wrinkle, dent, or mound to be found.

With a yawn she began to descend the stairs only to stop as her nose found the tantalizing aroma of freshly brewed breakfast tea. Resuming her decent, with a smile, Twilight had almost made it to the kitchen when loud report echoed off the sturdy front doors.

“Coming,” replied the sound of a young dragon from the kitchen. “Oh, hey Twilight, there’s a pot of tea waiting on the counter. “I’ll get the door.”

Twilight stopped Spike with a wing as he passed. “Thanks Spike, for remembering how hard this time of year can be.”

“Aw shucks Twilight, it’s just one day without magic, no big deal.”

As they parted Twilight couldn’t help but smile. Spike was right, one day without unicorn magic wasn’t going to harm her. With a careful bite, Twilight picked up the kettle and moved to poor it into a mug already lain out at the nearby table.

“Uh, Twilight, I think there’s something here to see you.”

“WOHN MINITE,” called Twilight.

As soon as Twilight reentered the front room she froze. Standing before her was a rather tall bipedal ape covered in hair from head to toe with the exception of its face, palms, and feet.

“Oh thank Celestia. Twilight Sparkle I need your help,” began the beast before it rushed to Twilight, causing her to recoil in fear only to have it throw itself at her feet. “I need your help. I must return to my world before I corrupt yours. Help me Twilight Sparkle, you’re my only hope.”

A few silent moments, in which Twilight proceeded to take several calculated steps away from the groveling beast, were interrupted as Spike came to stand in front of Twilight. “Hold on a minute, you can’t just come rushing in here making demands of Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“I can’t?” asked the biped with a touch of confusion.

“Spike it’s okay.” Said Twilight regaining her composure.

“I’m sorry, umm…” Twilight stopped as she put a hoof to her chin. “I don’t actually know how to address you, or what you are for that matter.”

“Oh, that is simple. My name is Harry and I am a male neanderthal,” replied Harry.

“Ah… I don’t think I have ever heard of neanderthals before. Sorry Harry.” Apologized Twilight.

“You haven’t?” replied Harry quizzically. “Well, what about humans?”

“Humans?" questioned Twilight as she thought. "You mean the ancient mythical creatures said to control the entire universe with their imaginations?” asked Twilight.

Spike looked on, between his Princess and the bowing shaggy creature, with trepidation.

“Um, they would look like me but with less hair and cloths,” replied Harry.

“I think that sounds about right?”

“Well, neanderthals are basically humans but less conceited. This is actually a good segway into why I need your help. You see. Three hundred years ago Humans ruled our planet, Earth, and revered Equestria as a place of happiness and tolerance toward others. They created music, epics, and art in honor of ponykind and the elements of harmony. But one day mankind, that’s what humans liked to call themselves, began to overstep their bounds. The epics and art they made began to depict themselves in Equestria. It was called humanization.

The Good King, who was the god of the humans, tolerated this as long as humans understood that such a thing was part of their imaginations and that they could not actually travel to Equestria. But one day about a hundred years ago The Good King decided that he had grown tired of his subjects and his duties.

After years and years of working with mankind he decided to pass the majority of his duties to his love, Pourk. Pourk did not take so kindly to mankind’s humanization. Some say Pourk felt it was a threat to the stability of Equestria and that it polluted the image of your paradise. But Pourk only ever said that maintaining such thoughts were not for the betterment of mankind. When outrage broke out Pourk banished mankind, allowing the existing works to remain as a warning to my kind about mankind and their failings to respect ponies. We were then raised up to replace the worship of Equestria, which we do happily as we follow the great adventures of you and your friends, but we vowed to never become to rash and brazen as mankind.

And now… here I am. I’m not supposed to be here. It is against the will of Pourk and if I do not return I fear my soul might be banned from heaven for going against his word.”

Twilight blinked slowly as her brain soaked up the information like a sponge. “That sounds terrible. Pourk sounds like a horrible tyrant, banishing a whole race of creatures from existence.”

Pourk shook his head before responding. “Neanderthals were neglected and abused under the humans. We were lucky if we were only used as crude humor in jokes and commercials. Pourk gave us the same respect and existence that The Good King granted the humans. Pourk may have been in power for less than a hundred years, but Pourk has done nothing else negative and Pourk gave mankind a fair chance. It is a shame they squandered it.”

“Still, banishing a whole race? Where did he even banish them too?”

“I do not know Twilight Sparkle. I only know that I must return home.”

Twilight sighed. “Unfortunately I need more information. Like, how did you get here, for instance.”

Harry hid his face in his hands. “My people have a tradition when we reach adulthood. We call it the cinnamon challenge. We take a large spoonful of cinnamon and have to eat it all at once… I sneezed. No neanderthal has ever sneezed before. It felt like dryness and lightning coursed through me, and in a flash I was standing outside Ponyville. Even if I return I must wait another year for adulthood. I failed my test.”

“Well. It’s April Foals Day. On April Foals Day magic has a tendency to behave a bit odd. I’m afraid we can’t return you until tomarrow.”

With a dejected look, Harry sank onto his back legs and cried out in pain and torment, eerily similar to Spikes draconic cries.

Author's Note:

Done in about an hour as a last minute idea for April Fools.

Innitially failed modertion due to a lack of the human tag... so I added a human tag despite the lack of their being no humans in the fic. I laughed.

Got the name Pourk from ancestry.com.

Comments

[TheNextGamer]

FIght the power!
Screw our new leader!
Eat CAKE!

[Beyonder]

You sir, are a champion!!!!!

[Ulti Shadow Lord]

2356395
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[RainbowDragon]

lol

[Starry Eyed]

Um...
Am I really the only one who thinks a petition or something would be more useful than making fun of him

[Prince Solstice]

Alright, I like this story, good job ya rebellious bastard. /)

[Scribblestick]

Good thing you got this out today. Time is running out for the imaginary human invasion of Equestria!

Definitely enjoyed this fic. Also glad I'm keeping up with current site events for once, or this would have gone over my head.

Now for my reviewy-type stuff. 'Cause that's what I do.

Nice and taught

Taut, meaning tightly drawn.

less hair and cloths

Clothes? Or was that intentional?

Noneanderthal

No neanderthal.

[Prince Solstice]

Oh yeah, I forgot to leave this...

Final Verdict: Fuck You I Won't Do What You TELL ME!

[Piquo Pie]

2356493

It's a April fools joke. If you look at Wanderer D's page then you can see how serious this all is.

But yes, if it was true then a petition would work better.

2356513

Lol, I actually wrote this really fast. If that is all you found then I am definitely becoming a better writer.

[Scribblestick]

2356769 That is all I noticed, actually. Granted, comedy isn't my strong suite, so there may be more.

[Bendy]

What about Robots in Equestria?

[Piquo Pie]

2357030

True, true.

[Brony_Fife]

Wow, how'd you get this thing posted so fast? The mods didn't approve my story until two days after I'd submitted it.

[La Barata]

Ok, you're a clever one.

[Piquo Pie]

2357194

How long ago was that?

I know they have been ramping up the number of people who look at things.

also having a few stories out helps. And this was really short.

I also find success submitting at end or beginning of day when it's not buried.

Something that sounds interesting will also get you're story reviewed faster. As well as being very grateful to the mods who look at stuff.

[Mother3Forever]

...I was hoping for Harry from the movie "Harry and the Hendersons"....

[Piquo Pie]

2359310

I was thinking about that but it wouldn't work with the meta.

It was still kind of a reference in me choosing the name though.

[Sir Alexander Wolfgang]

2356493 Nope. But I doubt either would help.

[BaitG]

Well played, good sir, well played!

ski-epic.com/gifs/g007_citizen_kane_slow_clap.gif

[Piquo Pie]

2356395>>2356419>>2356444>>2356467>>2357772>>2362452
(Disclaimer: If you were tagged in this message then a team of expensively trained neanderthals, ala the voices in my head, determined that you may be interested in the following. If you have already tried these other great products from PiquoPie co. then we apologize for any redundancy. If you did not want to be bothered and wish to never be contacted for shameless self promotion again...

so hard. But seriously let me know and I won't do this again to you or others. I'm trying out something new.)

I am so glad you guys liked it. I was unsure if it would be well received but apparently I have become a better writer in the past year. You guys have made this brony very happy.

If you like silly humor you might like some of my other comedies. Less Meta and not as simple as this but a better overall story and some solid humor. Plus they're also original ideas, at least to my knowledge.

The best story is apparently
T, the Tiniest Troll

More popular, due to more chapters and a enticing title, was my first public fic
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories.

[BaitG]

2362571

Hmmm, I might actually have a look at them

[Piquo Pie]

2362591