Its a normal day in Ponyville... that is until Twilight Sparkle, protege to Celestia, receives a letter informing her of an ancient and mysterious temple. Twilight is tasked with taking herself and her best friends on a journey to this temple to bring back its mysterious treasure. One question, what exactly is this treasure, and why the heck is it so important?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Twilight is really treating Spike like shit here. She's way out of character.
And what's all this "my friends"? Doesn't she mean "our friends"?
3259934 I guess I still need to work on that, although, I dunno I was kinda trying to make it come off more as her rushing through things and ignorance, but there are still some issues I guess.
And thanks for pointing that out, I actually didn't notice that, gonna have to change those.
Thank you for your feedback!
Okay, so I read the fanfic, and I'm sorry, but I definitely have to criticize this.
There are several obvious punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors. And they're simple ones, too; from forgetting to capitalize the first letter of a sentence to forgetting to divide a sentence with a comma.
Why are you using "inquired" when Twilight isn't even asking a question?
Even though this is a fanfic, I would like it if you descriptively said their appearance. Pretend it's a real novel. The first thing readers would be wondering, "Who the hell is Twilight and Spike?" Before the introduction of the two ponies, refer to them with different indirect terms such as "purple coated unicorn" or "green scaled dragon who barely exceeded two feet in height". After that, mention their names either in dialogue or direct information; it isn't considered Lavender Pony Syndrome unless you overuse that term over and over even though you know who are the characters.
You could have added something within the dialogue, such as Spike attempting to interject Twilight, but was unable to, with no chance for him to speak. You can also slur the words together and disregard punctuation rules if you want Twilight to talk very quickly and rushed.
This would sound better, if say, 'Twilight spoke in a X manner, pondering to herself on how she was going to go about the task...".
Doesn't sound like Rarity at all; I would expect her to talk with more exclamation marks, i.e. "Temples? Treasures? Ugh! That sounds hideous and dirty! But...you did say treasure, so, my dear Twilight, please tell me what this treasure is."
Overall, I think everyone's a bit out of character. Rarity needs to sound more formal and dramatic, Applejack needs to be the opposite. Pinkie needs to be out of topic when she's excited, typically taking the topic to a different tangent, such as greeting a pony to saying how she had a great day and ate a cake that was disgusting and so she threw it away.
Fluttershy needs a sense of uncertainty, often saying "uh" or "um". Don't minimize the words, it'll instead make it difficult to read essential parts. And Rainbow Dash needs to be brasher.
3284881
Yeah, there is a whole lot of issues, especially in Ch2 where i haven't even edited it yet.
I'm starting to think that writing really isn't my thing at all, I think while its nice to have tried to write something, its pretty bleh.
And yeah i make alot of stupid mistakes, even some i already know about, not to mention some i just forget.
But thanks for trying it. I appreciate the critique, i'll have to think if i'm going to even bother continuing though.
3287900
No, you can keep writing if you wish. Your writing can improve, so you don't need to give up now. But what you have to do is to put your effort into it, and get yourself and others to proofread your fanfic before it's published.
3288994
I guess, idk, i've been pondering whether to even bother continuing for a while.
i don't really have much as far as people who i can have proofread, idk, i just gotta do some thinking i guess, i just don't know.
Nothings your fault though, don't worry.