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Hugo

It is a celebration as Twilight Sparkle is celebrating her birthday in the castle. But ends up in the caverns to find what the humans have left behind. Collecting plants and weeds. Only light shines upon it.

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Rarity Belle

Rarity Belle #1 · May 16th, 2013 · · · The reawakening ·

Finally gave myself the time to actually read through this and, well... I let my sides speak for themselves.

Critical look
Grammar and structure are appearing to be fine in my eyes. But don't be afraid to give more emotion to the characters and elongate their action. Just a little tip on that side.

Then we come to, what probably is going to be my biggest complain, or two.
1: You give too much backstory in the front of the chapter. As much as it is true that it does inform the reader, it also takes away from the mystery and suspense you could have been building up around the machine.
2: Elongate the events, describe better how their surrounding looks like.

Personal look
The concept is interesting, i will admit that without a doubt. but as stated in the critical look, so does my personal look come down. You have spoiled the reader too much by giving away as much backstory in the beginning. If you keep everything a secret, the reader starts to wonder what could have happened to everything.

All in all, not that bad, but defiantly needs some more working on it. But I am curious of where this will be going to.

I also want to apologize for the rather shortage of the review, but with only just over 1.000 words, there isn't a whole lot I can work with.

Gascap