• Member Since 11th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen May 5th, 2023

Shadow Veil


T

Into hell I was brought,
In form of land with danger fraught.
Waking from joyous dream,
To ever burning nightmare.

Strangers and blood-kin alike,
Wished for my head on a pike.
They labeled me “Whelp”
And a cause lost in a hard world.

My only comfort did lie,
With one who stood as lonely as I.
Surrounded by shadow and superstition,
A pale beacon in Night’s dark world.

On wings of pain and fear
I learned to soar so beacon be near.
Of combat I learned,
Gaining knowledge from each defeat.

Faith of escaping my life of pain,
Began to fade and wane,
As each day brought more suffering,
With only Night for solitude most comforting.

Opportunity arose in migration,
Thus I set out seeking my own salvation.
I parted from the monstrous clan,
Breaking shackles of torment.

I sought out shelter,
In surroundings unfamiliar.
Palace of ruin becoming home,
If only for a time.

Wandering into world strange,
Familiar sight entered my range.
One of size and strength,
Tormenting those smaller than he.

Tall dark mare with horn and wings,
Staring down a mix of three things,
With tail of a scorpion, and wings of a dragon.
With massive claws extended.

It stood ready to rend flesh from bone,
I refused to let her stand alone,
I struck out against this goliath,
Startling him away from his prey.

The mare stared me down,
The moonlight shining off of her crown.
She questioned my motives,
Unsure of my reason in defending strangers.

I assured I meant no ill,
That I didn’t wish to kill,
Yet she questioned on,
Unsure of why I had parted my clan.

Without restraint,
I told her my reason for complaint.
Of hellish pain and torture,
Withholding no detail of my past.

Proposition was offered,
By mare who would see that I prospered.
Curiosity drove me forward,
Toward opportunity anew.

Years passed with surface peace,
Yet internal pain and envy did increase,
In the Night-sister young,
Towards Day-sister and teacher.

Envy continued to build inside,
As ponies brushed the night aside.
My service turned upon teacher,
In favor of mare in torment all too familiar.

Pain was brought anew,
As she was given her “due”.
Yet I will persevere,
For in a millennia she will return.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 5 )

This poem isn't bad.
The only issue I have with it is that the the rhyme pattern is inconsistent. You're rhyming every other line at some parts and at others you're not. It's nothing too bad, but it doesn't sound as good when read aloud as it would if you had a more consistent rhyme scheme.
Also, I think that you should have commas (or periods) at the end of each line of the poem. I may be wrong about this though, but that's how I generally see it done.

Romeo and Juliet, eh? When you put this in poem format what came to me was actually Dante's Inferno. But I suppose what reaches out depends on what one reads.

But I digress. Most stories aren't written form, and for you to write it in such a way is very clever and original in my opinion. I do agree with EricKilla though, a more consistent rhyming scheme would be nice.

I do quite enjoy this and I can't wait to see more. I might do something similar.

Comment posted by Shadow Veil deleted Sep 12th, 2013
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