Pony High

Rainbow_Dash_G33k

Rainbow_Dash_G33k #1 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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1,000 words OMG XD

Alicorn

Alicorn #2 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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Cool

Impress Me

Impress Me #3 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2297278 I know right . Seriously though the opening could use a little more detail!

Rainbow_Dash_G33k

Rainbow_Dash_G33k #4 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298534 I'll be sure to edit you wanna give me an idea

Impress Me

Impress Me #5 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298540 I'm not going to give you ideas unless you put my name as a co author. I can't type up your story for you! You gots to figure it out like everyone

Rainbow_Dash_G33k

Rainbow_Dash_G33k #6 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298547co author it is thank you

nodamnbrakes

nodamnbrakes #7 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298547

USI much?

2297278

Good idea. Needs a lot of work. Get. an. editor.

Impress Me

Impress Me #8 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298540 You know what? Here's a pointer.

I was just about to do a Sonic Rainboom to get out and impress everybody, but right before I could get out the darkness got me. It took away my wings.

This single sentence is BEGGING for detail. Don't JUST say it happened! Explain what happened to me!
I was about to do the Sonic Rainboom, but that black cloud started to wrap itself all over my body! No matter how hard I flapped my wings, that freaky cloud wouldn't let me go! Before I even know what's happening, my back starts burning like CRAZY! It feels like someone lit my wings on fire! The cloud finally finally let's me go and I just start falling straight to the ground! THAT THING TOOK MY WINGS AWAY!
Please don't use this as an example, but this is something that could have been done. Don't just say it. Explain it.
You also need a proofreader. There's a crap load of grammatical errors that could be fixed with a little proofreading and some time. The letter i needs to be capitalized and dialogue needs to be separated between character. Fluttershy's dialogue gets its own paragraph and Rainbow Dash gets her own paragraph.

Impress Me

Impress Me #9 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298605 I actually intended for him to be like "well tell me where my story needs to be improved." I didn't mean that literally.

Impress Me

Impress Me #10 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298553 And no I don't actually want to be a co author. I have 7 stories of my own to worry about.

nodamnbrakes

nodamnbrakes #11 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298627

Oh, okay.

Well, you're right. This reads like a story outline.

Listen, OP author guy

We are not you. We do not know what you are imagining in your head unless you describe it to us. You can see what happens in your mind, but if you don't actually write it for us, all we see is a bunch of "x happened then x happened then x happened then x happened". Describing relevant scene information is very important to making the story interesting.

Rainbow_Dash_G33k

Rainbow_Dash_G33k #12 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298635 well I changed the beggining is it any better?

Rainbow_Dash_G33k

Rainbow_Dash_G33k #13 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298659 ill be sure to make some changes

Impress Me

Impress Me #14 · Mar 21st, 2013 · 1 · · The begining of the loss ·

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2298709 OK you DID make changes but you still need an editor! You can't make all of these edits on the fly and expect them to be free of mistakes!

And Rainbow Dash steps up to the starting line" I slide my hove across the cloud getting ready to win. The cloud sweeps back whispering that's I can do it. A pony on a cloud had a checkered flag. she wove the flag high up in the air signifying to start and.Let it drop down to the cloud. "GO!" The intercom said. "and Rainbow Dash starts already in front of all 14 competetiters". I felt the wind smash against my face because I was going so fast, and the sun shine against me like I was the star of the race.

You're really going to make me do this a paragraph at a time? The mistakes are in bold. Errors in layout are in italics. It's still a rushed mess! I know that you want to make a great fic, but you have to out a decent amount of time into your work! Don't stop reading over it until it's perfect.
Here is how the first paragraph should look.

"And Rainbow Dash steps up to the starting line!
I slid my front hoof across the surface of the cloud, as I mentally prepared myself for another big race. The cloud pushes my hoof back as though it's urging me to pass that finish line. I took a look up into the crowded stadium and stared at a stoic pony, who happened to be wielding the checkered flag in his right hoof. That same pony finally raised that flag into the sky, signalling the countdown for the race.
All right Rainbow Dash you can do this. You're twenty percent stronger, twenty percent smarter, and twenty percent faster. I thought, as I wiped a bead of sweat from my forehead. In one swift movement, the checkered flag was brought down. A loud whistle was blown and the crowd had started it's loud cheer, but I was already ahead. Two quick steps and a hard flap of my wings and I had claimed my position at the head of the group. I could feel the wind rushing past my face and the sun beating down on my back as I soared through the track. I already knew that victory was mine.

Ta-da! Do work son! But if you really want a good template to work off of then go to the featured box. Those authors are amazing. Like I said, Work on your story.

Unicorn