The Tales of Incursion.

by Steventheman

Despair.

Jesus sat in his room, writing his latest epic tale, telling of the breaking of a man by a sentient parasite in his skin and his inevitable suicide in a quiet public place. It was entitled The Skin Crawler of the Suicidally Silent Lincoln Park. Jesus smiled at the title. If anyone dared called him a whiny emo, then he can say that dying painfully on a cross and being followed by a bunch of fishermen gave him the right to be an emo.

Jesus looked at his posters for Lincoln Park and various other bands. He logged onto his favourite site and logged on.

"Hmm..." Jesus said. "My Immortal..."

Jesus read chapter after chapter, despair growing at each misspelled word. This Enoby woman...was his Antichrist. Jesus's bedroom door opened. Jesus turned around, somehow forgetting the whole Antichrist business, and saw a pink pony.

"Jesus Christ!" she shouted. "You are needed!"
Jesus frowned. "What?!"
"Omniversal destruction is imminent!"
"Fuck that." said God, behind Pinkie. "Son, we must move. Let the Holy Trinity shine above all as we save the Omniverse. Gods do need prayer badly."
"Fiiinne, Dad." Jesus whined. "It's not like I had anything to do anyway!"
"We must move. For if we do not, we are all fucked."
"Indeed, little pony. We will be all fucked. What is the point in being God if your Creation is destroyed?"
"So why don't you just save this universe?" Jesus asked.
"One universe cannot sustain the Furthest Ring." Pinkie said. "My siblings and I will die if we do not harvest hopelessness and hatred from the Omniverse. We are the most powerful beings, so we need a lot."
"But surely, I am the most powerful force?"
Pinkie laughed with many voices behind it. "You fool! You believe omnipotence makes you superior!" Pinkie laughed. "I am beyond you, Alan. I am Pinkamena Diane Pie, Knight of Hopelessness, Sister of the Horrorterrors, Daughter of Those Who Cannot Be Known. CHILD OF THOSE THAT CANNOT FUCKING BE! I am the embodiment of everything that breaks your delusion of 'natural law!' Everything you know is an illusion created by my lovely family so you could live your hilarious little lives! I am, indeed, your very antithesis. You are weak, and I am powerful!"

God and Jesus looked at each other, before back at Pinkie. "Shit, whatever you say!" God said, with his hands up in surrender.

---

Canterlot was in flames. The Equestrian army had failed to repel the Tourist Invasion. Everywhere, ponies were moderately discomforted by the strangers.

Fancy Pants gripped the flaming torch in his mouth as his wife stood alongside him, doing the same. Behind them were their pair of young foals, crying.

"You ghastly fucks!" shouted Fleur de Lis. "Get away from my family!"
"We just want directions to the mall." said one. Fleur pushed the flame into his face.
One gasped. "THERE'S A SALE!"

The Tourists charged ahead. Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis hugged their foals as the tourists sped towards them...

---

Celestia and Luna walked into the hall. They both knew it was but a ruse to stop them going insane. They huddled closer as they waited in the cold nothingness.

"Sister, what if the plan fails?" Luna asked.
"It won't, Luna." Celestia said. "I promise."
"We trust Horrorterrors with our lives, Tia. Remember what happened a thousand years ago?"
"Yes, I do." Celestia said. "And I know that wasn't your fault."
"Of course it wasn't. I was possessed by a Horrorterror. I was Grimdark."
"Yes..." Celestia replied. "So, once this is done, we'll get back to that fight, eh?"
"That would be great, sister." Luna smiled. "I will win, though!"
"Bullshit." Celestia scoffed.

The door to the waiting room opened. Satan, God and Jesus, as well as Pinkie walked in.

"Mom?" Jesus said, running to his mother.
"Jesus!" Celestia said, pulling the Messiah-According-To-Some-People into a hug. "I'm so sorry for not seeing you as often."
"Don't worry about it." Jesus said. "Not now, anyway."

---

A young man stands in his bedroom. He is a college student. Small, thin, curly hair, and his favourite hobby is camping on the Assassin's Call of the Modern Theft Creed. He believes he recently beat God himself in a game. He hopes to become a doctor one day, and save lives.

There is a knock at his front door. He answers it, to a crowd of various men and women in varying states of undress.

"Oh dear..." said the one at the front. "It's not gonna be your day today, is it?"

Author's Note:

This is why I am no longer allowed to write cosmic horror stories for English class.