The harrowing stories about the Great Universal Collision, from the perspective of those who were there, and those who came before.
Universes are fragile. They are old, and one knock can send them on a destructive course that nothing can stop. Once this happens, the entire Omniverse is threatened. Reality rips itself apart like an angry child with a napkin. Civilisations fall. Oceans boil. Blood rains from the skies. Hope surrenders. Bravery retreats, and all is lost.
When universes MLP-4 and RL-0 collide and combine, what can stop them from absorbing the whole Omniverse into a hellish, cosmic nightmare of the gods?
"There was one day in history. One day in which it all went to Hell. And by Hell, I mean it could've been a lot worse. We could've had Chryssalids or Cyberdemons or some shit like that. Shit could've been fucked up mad, yo. We could've been fucked like the Virgin Mary. Fucked like a cheap-ass ho behind a giant cheap-ass ho fucking convention. Fucked like a...you get the point.
Anyway, this is the tale of how universes are not alone. Of how the tiniest explosion from one universe can cause reality to shatter. Everything is a balance, and fuck this job, because I think everything I know just got disproved. Catholics of the world! Go home! You're all fucking drunk!" -Pope Frizzy Dog the Second, 2015, addressing the Catholic world.
"What he said. Apply it to us. Whatever." - Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. Neville McCreville, to the other Christians that aren't as fun to make jokes about.
God looked upon His creation. He saw what humans were doing. Nuclear proliferation. Immoralities of the flesh. War. Poverty. Jersey Shore. He summoned His table, and flipped it.
"Fucking humans! You drive me to drink!" God declared, before cracking open a 40oz. and drinking some.
Two alicorns walked out of God's grand bedroom. "Morning." they both said. "Hey." "We're just going to call a taxi." "Cool. See you soon." God said, not even looking at the alicorns.
The two alicorns walked away, offended. God stood up and performed a most righteous victorious arm pump while shouting: "Twins! Fuck yeah!" "We're not twins, Luna's 500 years younger!" the older mare shouted. "I don't care. Because I'm infinite, I'm always right." "What the fuck?" Luna said. "How does that make sense?" "Ignore him. He gives us money and cake." "But dear sister, can't we just take what we need?" "It's not 950, Luna. We can't barge into houses and take shit." "You fucking can." God said, reaching down to Earth and flicking a small village out of the way before taking another 40oz. "See?" "Stop being a jerk, God." Luna said. "Never!"
Celestia and Luna walked through the castle. The walls were covered in blood.
"Dammit. Cousin Molestia's in here again." "Sister, why do we tolerate that murderous rapist?" "Because she's funny as hell."
There was a scream. Then two. Then the screams of legions filled the castle. In the noise, the laugh of a mare pierced the torment.
"See? Laugh and a half, that mare..." Celestia said, wiping away a tear. "I don't see the comedy value, Tia." "Neither does anyone reading this. Then again, there's none here." "What?!" Luna said, confused. "Nothing." Celestia said. "So..." Luna said. "Is there anything to do?"
Celestia sat down. "Listen. Here comes the chorus." The screams arranged themselves into Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Luna tittered. "You are right, sister. It is humorous to an extent." "It is Equestria's newest comedy reality show: Everypony Loves Molestia!" Celestia declared, smiling. "I'd prefer How I Met Molestia." Luna replied. "Actually, that sounds better. I will get the camera crew and director."
The whole castle shook. Celestia looked out the window and saw what looked like an army of...
"American tourists?!" Celestia cried in horror. She felt blood rush to her feet, before fainting in utter terror. "SHIT!" Luna cried. "Sister! Wake up! I can't deal with this fucknuggetry alone!"
Pinkie Pie looked up into the sky. Where most other ponies saw a beautiful, sunny sky, she saw only the Ones Who Came Before, inhabiting the Furthest Ring. When she looked down, she saw only the Circles of Hell. In a voice frequency that only Horrorterrors may hear, she asked the Ones.
"Brothers!" she said. "What is the fucknuggetry in Canterlot?" "Silence! We know not of what the fuck you're on about!" "Bitch please." said another Horrorterror. "He's cranky because two universes collided last night and are going to kill everything that ever existed ever, in every timeline in every universe, right down to the yoctometer." "So, what can I do?" Pinkie asked, with interest. "Nothing!" said the second Horrorterror. "So I'm fucked?" Pinkie asked. "Yes you are fucked! Shit out of luck!" the first Horrorterror screamed, sending Universe DS-13 into Universe BAF-15. "Fucking hell! Not again!" "Shut up, you fuck." a third said. "There is one chance. Unite every divine in the Omniverse. With that much power, we can perform the Ultimate Song." "The Ultimate Song?" "Yes, young fuckling." the Horrorterror said. "Lethal to all who hear it, but not to those who play it. It is pure death. Pure suffering. Pure misery. And of course, the fuel of universes: Hopelessness." "Sounds fucking metal. I shall start now." Pinkie said. "I'll be back in a minute." "Be quick, or everything is fucked." "Yeah yeah. I'll go get God." Pinkie said, waving her brothers away.
Pinkie looked down. "SATAN! LORD OF HELL!" she declared. "Your power is needed! Surrender it freely, or face ten thousand millenia of non-existence!" Satan appeared before Pinkie. "What is it, Knight of Hopelessness?" "Omniversal destruction is imminent." "Fuck that." Satan said. He flew upwards. "Brothers! I hear you need me!"
Luna twirled the sandwich around with her telekinesis. Making plane noises, she propelled the food into Celestia's eye.
"Sis, what the fuck!?" Celestia shouted, throwing a knife at Luna. "It's a fight!" Luna screamed delightedly. "Long have I wished for violence!" "Last time we fought, your ass was on the Moon quicker than I could say: 'Dammit, Luna!'" "Oh yeah. Fuck it." Luna said, levitating a 9mm bullet. With her magic, she fired the round. The bullet ricocheted away from the sisters and out the window. Outside, a guardspony screamed. "Oh dear. He had five foals and was getting married in an hour." Celestia said, casually drinking tea.
The tea shook. Celestia looked around to see if Godzilla had come for a favor. Instead, it was Satan, ten times his normal size, walking to the window.
"Satan!?" Celestia spat. "What are you doing here!? The divorce was final, get over it!" "No, dear. The Council of Horrorterrors have asked me to deliver a message." Satan cleared his throat. "All divines must report to the Furthest Ring, or we're all fucked." "Why?" "Omniversal destruction is imminent." "Fuck that." the sisters said in unison. "What about the tourists?" Luna asked. "Fuck them." Celestia said. "If you insist, Tia..." "No, not like that!"
Pinkie looked into the abyss, and the abyss did not dare to stare back at her, the Daughter of Those Who Cannot Be Known, Sister of the Horrorterrors, Maiden of The Cosmos, Knight of Hopelessness. Pinkie Pie possessed many names and titles, known to many civilisations. It would take many screams of the One to utter them all.
"Every universe...Is at my mercy!" she shouted. "All those live and all that die! I am the Omniverse! I AM REALITY. I AM PINKIE PIE. FUCKING FEAR ME OR BE CUT DOWN LIKE EVERYTHING THAT CAME BEFORE YOU!"
The abyss retreated in fear. It could not simply comprehend Pinkie. She was the Mortal That Never Dies.
"Sister." The abyss howled. "What the fuck was all that about?" "I gotta practise, right?" Pinkie smiled. "Yes. You are doing well. What do you need." "Omniversal destruction is imminent, brother." "Fuck that." the abyss said. "Omniverse delivers my milk." "So, will you go to the Furthest Ring?" "Later, sister. I must first sort these damned souls." "Okay!" Pinkie said, before flying away to spread her message.
God threw the Xbox controller against His wall. "I FUCKING HATE CAMPERS!" He boomed, before finding the camper, and sending every rapist in the city he inhabited to his house. "That'll learn him."
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in!" God said. Jesus opened the door to God's Playing Field.
Jesus walked in. "Mom and Auntie Luna was here yesterday, wasn't she?" God sighed. "Yes son, they were." "...Did they leave cookies?" God coughed. "No. Their oven was broke." "Aww..."
Jesus picked up an Xbox controller, wishing he could go live with his much more benevolent mother instead. God picked up the broken one, and repaired it with Godpowers(TM)
Pinkie faced down the Horrorterror before her.
"Brother! You block my path! Get out of the fuckin' way!" Pinkie shouted. "Sister, I shall not." the Horrorterror replied. "Why?" "Because you used to wedgie me all the time and it really hurt." the Horrorterror said, like a wimp. "Fuck this." Pinkie said. She picked up the Horrorterror and threw it into the Infinite. "Sister, why?!" it screamed as it flew into the Border of Existence. "Because you're an ass!" Pinkie shouted in reply.
Fancy Pants looked down the street. There were strange bipeds there, beyond his understanding. They were wearing garments which bore...palm tree leaves? And they wore headgear with a strange flag. Around their necks, swung cameras. Most were appallingly overweight, and they spoke with accents that were upsetting his wife.
"What the heck is this?!" he shouted. One walked up to him. "Hey, buddy, where's all the carnivals?! My kids are bored around here!" "I-I-I don't know, sir!" Fancy Pants stuttered. "Well, aren't you a waiter or something?" "I most certainly am not! I am a businesspony!" Fancy Pants said, worried that the creature would kill him, and kidnap Fleur de Lis and do awful, unspeakable things to his foals. Fancy Pants readied himself to defend his honor, his family and his culture. "Funny name...for a COMMUNIST!" the being said, angrily.
The strange being walked away. Fancy Pants sat on a bench. "Holy shit..."
Jesus sat in his room, writing his latest epic tale, telling of the breaking of a man by a sentient parasite in his skin and his inevitable suicide in a quiet public place. It was entitled The Skin Crawler of the Suicidally Silent Lincoln Park. Jesus smiled at the title. If anyone dared called him a whiny emo, then he can say that dying painfully on a cross and being followed by a bunch of fishermen gave him the right to be an emo.
Jesus looked at his posters for Lincoln Park and various other bands. He logged onto his favourite site and logged on.
"Hmm..." Jesus said. "My Immortal..."
Jesus read chapter after chapter, despair growing at each misspelled word. This Enoby woman...was his Antichrist. Jesus's bedroom door opened. Jesus turned around, somehow forgetting the whole Antichrist business, and saw a pink pony.
"Jesus Christ!" she shouted. "You are needed!" Jesus frowned. "What?!" "Omniversal destruction is imminent!" "Fuck that." said God, behind Pinkie. "Son, we must move. Let the Holy Trinity shine above all as we save the Omniverse. Gods do need prayer badly." "Fiiinne, Dad." Jesus whined. "It's not like I had anything to do anyway!" "We must move. For if we do not, we are all fucked." "Indeed, little pony. We will be all fucked. What is the point in being God if your Creation is destroyed?" "So why don't you just save this universe?" Jesus asked. "One universe cannot sustain the Furthest Ring." Pinkie said. "My siblings and I will die if we do not harvest hopelessness and hatred from the Omniverse. We are the most powerful beings, so we need a lot." "But surely, I am the most powerful force?" Pinkie laughed with many voices behind it. "You fool! You believe omnipotence makes you superior!" Pinkie laughed. "I am beyond you, Alan. I am Pinkamena Diane Pie, Knight of Hopelessness, Sister of the Horrorterrors, Daughter of Those Who Cannot Be Known. CHILD OF THOSE THAT CANNOT FUCKING BE! I am the embodiment of everything that breaks your delusion of 'natural law!' Everything you know is an illusion created by my lovely family so you could live your hilarious little lives! I am, indeed, your very antithesis. You are weak, and I am powerful!"
God and Jesus looked at each other, before back at Pinkie. "Shit, whatever you say!" God said, with his hands up in surrender.
Canterlot was in flames. The Equestrian army had failed to repel the Tourist Invasion. Everywhere, ponies were moderately discomforted by the strangers.
Fancy Pants gripped the flaming torch in his mouth as his wife stood alongside him, doing the same. Behind them were their pair of young foals, crying.
"You ghastly fucks!" shouted Fleur de Lis. "Get away from my family!" "We just want directions to the mall." said one. Fleur pushed the flame into his face. One gasped. "THERE'S A SALE!"
The Tourists charged ahead. Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis hugged their foals as the tourists sped towards them...
Celestia and Luna walked into the hall. They both knew it was but a ruse to stop them going insane. They huddled closer as they waited in the cold nothingness.
"Sister, what if the plan fails?" Luna asked. "It won't, Luna." Celestia said. "I promise." "We trust Horrorterrors with our lives, Tia. Remember what happened a thousand years ago?" "Yes, I do." Celestia said. "And I know that wasn't your fault." "Of course it wasn't. I was possessed by a Horrorterror. I was Grimdark." "Yes..." Celestia replied. "So, once this is done, we'll get back to that fight, eh?" "That would be great, sister." Luna smiled. "I will win, though!" "Bullshit." Celestia scoffed.
The door to the waiting room opened. Satan, God and Jesus, as well as Pinkie walked in.
"Mom?" Jesus said, running to his mother. "Jesus!" Celestia said, pulling the Messiah-According-To-Some-People into a hug. "I'm so sorry for not seeing you as often." "Don't worry about it." Jesus said. "Not now, anyway."
A young man stands in his bedroom. He is a college student. Small, thin, curly hair, and his favourite hobby is camping on the Assassin's Call of the Modern Theft Creed. He believes he recently beat God himself in a game. He hopes to become a doctor one day, and save lives.
There is a knock at his front door. He answers it, to a crowd of various men and women in varying states of undress.
"Oh dear..." said the one at the front. "It's not gonna be your day today, is it?"
Soon, the room contained billions of divines. Pinkie enjoyed how the room expanded to fit the gods and goddesses. She found it hilarious that they require space. She required no space, for she was space.
Finally, she knew the power was enough.
"YOU FUCKLINGS!" Pinkie boomed. "You are gathered, in the mercy of the Furthest Ring, to play the Ultimate Song. Have you the stomachs?"
Every divine looked down, to discover that they no longer had abdomens. "Of course not!" Pinkie squealed in delight at their confusion. "I have them. You will play the song, or you will not get your precious organs back." "For fuck's sake!" God shouted. "I need that stomach for binging on Chocolate Orange and milk!" "Seriously, dude?" Nito, First of the Dead, replied. "I can't eat chocolate and milk at the same time." "You can't eat anything - You're fucking dead, pal." said Talos. "Will you two stop bickering?" said Loki. "I'm trying to update my Facebook status!" "Fuck your Facebook status!" Nito shouted. "We're talking about the abomination of a meal that is chocolate and milk!" "HI! BILLY MAYS HERE TELLING YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE GODDAMNED BALLS." "I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm in that other story about that pegasus." Samuel L. Jackson said.
Soon, the entire hall erupted in rioting. Pinkie flashed up a thousand Goatse men to silence the gods with shock.
"Now, if I have your attention..."
The divines assembled. The stage was set, looking above the Omniverse, now painted with a sad face, to alarm the divines into playing.
God looked at Celestia, and Celestia looked at Nito, who freaked the shit out of her.
Pinkie stood above them, a conductor of this band. She cleared her throat, to lead the divines in song.
The words were so terrible that I, as a mere author of My Little Pony fanfiction, cannot tell you them, for if I did, it would blow your fucking mind, like a revelation...or a shotgun. All things considered, it was pretty damn metal. Alas, all you can enjoy is a mental image of Princess Celestia headbanging with God as the universes reset themselves so that the Omniverse was happy again.
And that's...2 rules of writing I just violated. Make that 3, because I used numerals to describe a number. All that's left is to violate the sanctity of human life. Now, where's my coat hanger..?
The Song was played. The Omniverse was fixed. The midsections returned. Pinkie laughed.
The divines returned to their worlds, to drink and shoot up, so they could forget the ordeal, even temporarily. Only God, Jesus and Celestia remained. Jesus took his mother's side.
"Come along, son. I wanna go play Counter Strike." Jesus summed up all the bravery he could... "Nah. I'm going to Equestria for a while." "What?" "What he means is that I'll be looking after him from now on." Celestia said. "Partly because you're shit at parenting and partly because I have more games consoles." God sighed in defeat. "Fine."
All was happy, and all was nice. Pinkie warped back to her small apartment above the bakery in which her mortal self worked.
Nopony would ever know that she was an invincible demon from the place where immortals dare not accidentally view, as one would when they open a water closet only to find someone wiping their arse.
And in a little way, Pinkie knew that any moment of happiness, though it weakened her, would be nice.
And that, little fucklings, is how West Side rolls.
