Follow-up story to "Sweat". You and Rarity have been seeing each other for a little while, and life's pretty good. But when Pinkie Pie mentions one day that something is bothering her, Rarity gets an idea that just may help.
This is the fifth chapter, so let’s recap: We’re full of food, we’ve stated in the past that we plan on making sure Rarity can’t walk straight for the next few days thanks to the favors she pulled in getting us a juicy steak to eat, there’s an ice cream cake in the freezer, Pinkie’s followed us back home… and we’re as drunk as the mares who are the focus of this clopfic.
… “and refill everyone's glass” – ‘glass’ should be ‘glasses’, given they’re not all drinking out of the same glass… unless they are. … “The gooey double fudge” – Place a hyphen between ‘double’ and ‘fudge’. … “head turns ice blue.” – Place a hyphen between ‘ice’ and ‘blue’. … “a turtle neck in” – ‘turtle’ and ‘neck’ should be one word: ‘turtleneck’. … “You let go off her hair” - … You really MADE this one? ‘off’ should be ‘of’. … “your impromptu love making” – Place a hyphen between ‘love’ and ‘making’. … “of her friend .” – Remove the space between ‘friend’ and the period. … “view of provocative scene” – Place ‘the’ between ‘of’ and ‘provocative’. … “if I take too long with getting to the dirty deed,” – This doesn’t sound like Pinkie… maybe “if I take too long getting to the real fun,”. … “onto the Rarity's face” – Remove ‘the’. … “was still dancing along and across Rarity's nub when she decides” – ‘was still’ suggests a past-tense term, but ‘decides’ is present-tense. Keep the tense that you use consistent. ‘was still’ should likely be ‘is’, or ‘decides’ should be ‘decided’, depending on whether you want to make the tense past or present. … “breathes are rapid” – ‘breathes’ should be ‘breaths’. … “your hand makes it way” – ‘it’ should be ‘its’. … “Rarity rapidly approaching climax” – Either ‘Rarity’ should be ‘Rarity’s’, or place ‘her’ between ‘approaching’ and ‘climax’. … “come to a sudden” – ‘come’ should be ‘comes’. … “diving in head first” – Place a hyphen between ‘head’ and ‘first’. … “what Pinkie what going” – The second ‘what’ should be ‘is’… or just replace ‘Pinkie what’ with ‘Pinkie’s’. … “each others' bodies” – ‘others’’ should be ‘other’s’. … “wanton love making” – Place a hyphen between ‘love’ and ‘making’.
Hmm… well, the pleasure that had occurred was mainly felt between Rarity and Pinkie Pie, so it’s hard to comment on most of it. The accuracy of the descriptions of events held great detail, though again, I still end up questioning HOW drunk the protagonist is… It’s hard to say, even now.
The biggest part was with the “jealousy” that the protagonist felt. NO WAY that someone who was drunk would just have it pass over them, even with that “just as hard” reassurance by Rarity. It would unquestionably bother them much more than a few words of hopeful reassurance could ever hope to heal.
Yeah, inhibitions lower, but so, too, does one’s tolerance. And if something upset them, they react with pure emotion: Laughing it off? Acceptable. Brooding? Acceptable. Even violence would make sense, but it goes from being upset, to just letting it slide. No one with an inebriated mind would ever let something like that go without taking personal offense to it. It just ain’t right.
Looking PAST it, the cake scene should have been a little longer, especially with the idea of them drunkenly eating cake, having Pinkie see some “crumbles” on Rarity’s face, and licking them off… for example, of course. I mean, we waited four chapters for it, and it just gets passed over so quickly… At the very least, I can only hope that the remainder of the story is given the respect it deserves.
You squeeze her against your chest, holding her up with a well-placed hand under her tail and subtly tickling her nethers, making her hiss in a quick breath.
And that is the exact moment it went from "fun night out with friends" to something... quite unexpected, somewhere between "it's the wine talking" and "never knew you had it in ya"... or so I assume, as I like to comment as I go along. ;] Still, if you need a reference to point to, this is as much "it" as anything will ever be. This is where the event rail got switched over.
And my personal question there would be: how the fuck do you not realize that your friend is still in the same room?
Things are getting naughty. Pinkie naughty.
taurusarmed.net/forums/attachments/700-s/55569d1365197413-pt709-ejector-misaligned-anchorman_well_that_escalated_quickly_966.jpg
well that was easy. and there's nothing wrong with being easy.
Drunken 3-way shenanigans, the best kind.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1166_130328369329.jpg
But......WHY THE FUCK DID YOU END IT THERE!?!?!?
2935234
I'm cruel?
This is good, but we need MOAR!!!
I like this side of Rarity.
I sure hope somebody picks up that phone.
2935529
If you're referring to the inside, well, I think a lot of us would be on board with that idea.
can of whipped cream, a bottle of chocolate syrup and a box of fresh strawberries. said like a friday night to me data.whicdn.com/images/36944838/mlp_my_little_pony_meme_bronies_pinkie_pie_brain_is_full_of_fuck_jackie_chan_large.jpg
I came for the sex tag at chapter one, I stayed for the plot at chapters two-four and then I came for the plot in chapter five.
Bravo
DAMMIT! YOU LEFT ME HANGING! I NEED MOAR! please?
1. dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8179-1348914905297.jpg is in the house!
2. static1.e621.net/data/17/76/1776af2e16a075b5ef92c2432df81047.gif
Bow chicka wow wow.
This is the fifth chapter, so let’s recap: We’re full of food, we’ve stated in the past that we plan on making sure Rarity can’t walk straight for the next few days thanks to the favors she pulled in getting us a juicy steak to eat, there’s an ice cream cake in the freezer, Pinkie’s followed us back home… and we’re as drunk as the mares who are the focus of this clopfic.
Hit it!
… “and refill everyone's glass” – ‘glass’ should be ‘glasses’, given they’re not all drinking out of the same glass… unless they are.
… “The gooey double fudge” – Place a hyphen between ‘double’ and ‘fudge’.
… “head turns ice blue.” – Place a hyphen between ‘ice’ and ‘blue’.
… “a turtle neck in” – ‘turtle’ and ‘neck’ should be one word: ‘turtleneck’.
… “You let go off her hair” - … You really MADE this one? ‘off’ should be ‘of’.
… “your impromptu love making” – Place a hyphen between ‘love’ and ‘making’.
… “of her friend .” – Remove the space between ‘friend’ and the period.
… “view of provocative scene” – Place ‘the’ between ‘of’ and ‘provocative’.
… “if I take too long with getting to the dirty deed,” – This doesn’t sound like Pinkie… maybe “if I take too long getting to the real fun,”.
… “onto the Rarity's face” – Remove ‘the’.
… “was still dancing along and across Rarity's nub when she decides” – ‘was still’ suggests a past-tense term, but ‘decides’ is present-tense. Keep the tense that you use consistent. ‘was still’ should likely be ‘is’, or ‘decides’ should be ‘decided’, depending on whether you want to make the tense past or present.
… “breathes are rapid” – ‘breathes’ should be ‘breaths’.
… “your hand makes it way” – ‘it’ should be ‘its’.
… “Rarity rapidly approaching climax” – Either ‘Rarity’ should be ‘Rarity’s’, or place ‘her’ between ‘approaching’ and ‘climax’.
… “come to a sudden” – ‘come’ should be ‘comes’.
… “diving in head first” – Place a hyphen between ‘head’ and ‘first’.
… “what Pinkie what going” – The second ‘what’ should be ‘is’… or just replace ‘Pinkie what’ with ‘Pinkie’s’.
… “each others' bodies” – ‘others’’ should be ‘other’s’.
… “wanton love making” – Place a hyphen between ‘love’ and ‘making’.
Hmm… well, the pleasure that had occurred was mainly felt between Rarity and Pinkie Pie, so it’s hard to comment on most of it. The accuracy of the descriptions of events held great detail, though again, I still end up questioning HOW drunk the protagonist is… It’s hard to say, even now.
The biggest part was with the “jealousy” that the protagonist felt. NO WAY that someone who was drunk would just have it pass over them, even with that “just as hard” reassurance by Rarity. It would unquestionably bother them much more than a few words of hopeful reassurance could ever hope to heal.
Yeah, inhibitions lower, but so, too, does one’s tolerance. And if something upset them, they react with pure emotion: Laughing it off? Acceptable. Brooding? Acceptable. Even violence would make sense, but it goes from being upset, to just letting it slide. No one with an inebriated mind would ever let something like that go without taking personal offense to it. It just ain’t right.
Looking PAST it, the cake scene should have been a little longer, especially with the idea of them drunkenly eating cake, having Pinkie see some “crumbles” on Rarity’s face, and licking them off… for example, of course. I mean, we waited four chapters for it, and it just gets passed over so quickly… At the very least, I can only hope that the remainder of the story is given the respect it deserves.
2962039shut up Tucker.
3535981 Why dont we just Spraypaint Tucker orange and let sarge handle it?
that one little comment about Pinkie thinking Fluttershy could want Rarity has intrigued me. of course that is my main shipping..
Hehehe, this is going to end well, I LOVE IT!
Nicely done.
woot!
And that is the exact moment it went from "fun night out with friends" to something... quite unexpected, somewhere between "it's the wine talking" and "never knew you had it in ya"... or so I assume, as I like to comment as I go along. ;] Still, if you need a reference to point to, this is as much "it" as anything will ever be. This is where the event rail got switched over.
And my personal question there would be: how the fuck do you not realize that your friend is still in the same room?