Follow-up story to "Sweat". You and Rarity have been seeing each other for a little while, and life's pretty good. But when Pinkie Pie mentions one day that something is bothering her, Rarity gets an idea that just may help.
Chapter four, and… we’ve drank three glasses of wine… Oh…
… “anything fast paced” – Place a hyphen between ‘fast’ and ‘paced’. … “Lazy dirty blonde mane” – Place a comma after ‘Lazy’, and place a hyphen between ‘dirty’ and ‘blonde’. … “What zat you?"” – Even with the accent, he wouldn’t say ‘What’. … “Ah, fantastic!” – Perhaps, if this is Gustave, it should be ‘fantastique’. … “I am well versed” – Place a hyphen between ‘well’ and ‘versed’. … “She could probably hear your heart racing right now if they were capable.” – What did you mean by “if they were capable”? What’s “they”? Her ears? … “Oh my goddess!"” – Did you mean ‘goddess’ or ‘goodness’? … “we're half way there” – ‘half’ and ‘way’ should be one word: ‘halfway’. … “the south of end of town” – Remove the ‘of’ between ‘south’ and ‘end’. … “was just barely starts its” – ‘starts’ should be ‘starting’. … “when you arm pulls” – ‘you’ should be ‘your’. … “all scritchy scratchy like” – Place a hyphen between ‘scritchy’ and ‘scratchy’. … “in fairy tale like things” – Place a hyphen between ‘tale’ and ‘like’.
"The stallion who owns the dance studio just outside Town Square taught me. His name's Corey.
I swear this is probably a reference to something, but… I’ll be damned to figure out what it IS.
I’m more of a “Well-Done” steak-eater, but can understand the appeal of medium-rare: Generous amount of blood remaining keeps plenty of the juice within the steak, after all. Personally, if there wasn’t the whole “likeliness of illness” from eating it rare or medium-rare (despite it being reduced), I’d probably go Medium, too.
You had a nice use of throwaway characters here: Gourmand, Gustave, Last Call, etc. There weren’t too many, and each had a purpose. You showed a very nice use of characters to keep things moving smoothly.
The biggest complaint on my part has to be the use of wine, or to be more precise, “alcohol”. A lot of things seemed to base itself around alcohol consumption, and I found myself questioning how I would feel upon drinking as much as that which was described in the story. Alcohol metabolizes differently for everyone, after all, so I can’t help but think “how drunk AM I in this story?”
I would argue about that very same plot device, but that’s just what it is: A plot device. It’s meant to advance the story into the desired theme… but again, with clop coming up, alcohol would play incredibly different roles depending on the individual. While I applaud your use of characters, I know I won’t be giving you any leeway when it comes to how the next scenes will be dealt with.
This is definitely not a story for a straight-edge protagonist, but I’ve already made it past the halfway mark, so it’s time to turn off the critical viewpoints, and just take the story slow.
2845177
Inorite?
GOD YES PINKIE IS SO HOT.
Loved this update, real nice to see things looking good for Pinkie. I do believe I'm sensing some wine-fueled shenanigans next time. Should be fun.
When the drowsiness starts in the story, I can't stop myself from thinking "POISON!" when it happens. Maybe I'm being too cautious.
2846239
Rest assured there is no poison anywhere. All is well and intoxicated.
What if that cake in that there freezer was a lie the whole time?
2846378
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/077/Raisins_Face.jpg
2845177
My initial reaction to every fic update i read
Yeah...I'm' going to wake up with a mouth full of cotton candy. And not from her mane!
2846434 See? Can't trust everything you think you know!
2846239
Your cruel device...
Your blood, like ice...
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill.
Wrong type of poison?
2848774
Alice Cooper is NEVER wrong.
2855157
Aside from the time he wanted to shoot Elvis...
God, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Something tells me that cake isn't the only thing "I" will be eating at Rarity's
New awsome chapter, i approve!
Chapter four, and… we’ve drank three glasses of wine… Oh…
… “anything fast paced” – Place a hyphen between ‘fast’ and ‘paced’.
… “Lazy dirty blonde mane” – Place a comma after ‘Lazy’, and place a hyphen between ‘dirty’ and ‘blonde’.
… “What zat you?"” – Even with the accent, he wouldn’t say ‘What’.
… “Ah, fantastic!” – Perhaps, if this is Gustave, it should be ‘fantastique’.
… “I am well versed” – Place a hyphen between ‘well’ and ‘versed’.
… “She could probably hear your heart racing right now if they were capable.” – What did you mean by “if they were capable”? What’s “they”? Her ears?
… “Oh my goddess!"” – Did you mean ‘goddess’ or ‘goodness’?
… “we're half way there” – ‘half’ and ‘way’ should be one word: ‘halfway’.
… “the south of end of town” – Remove the ‘of’ between ‘south’ and ‘end’.
… “was just barely starts its” – ‘starts’ should be ‘starting’.
… “when you arm pulls” – ‘you’ should be ‘your’.
… “all scritchy scratchy like” – Place a hyphen between ‘scritchy’ and ‘scratchy’.
… “in fairy tale like things” – Place a hyphen between ‘tale’ and ‘like’.
I swear this is probably a reference to something, but… I’ll be damned to figure out what it IS.
I’m more of a “Well-Done” steak-eater, but can understand the appeal of medium-rare: Generous amount of blood remaining keeps plenty of the juice within the steak, after all. Personally, if there wasn’t the whole “likeliness of illness” from eating it rare or medium-rare (despite it being reduced), I’d probably go Medium, too.
You had a nice use of throwaway characters here: Gourmand, Gustave, Last Call, etc. There weren’t too many, and each had a purpose. You showed a very nice use of characters to keep things moving smoothly.
The biggest complaint on my part has to be the use of wine, or to be more precise, “alcohol”. A lot of things seemed to base itself around alcohol consumption, and I found myself questioning how I would feel upon drinking as much as that which was described in the story. Alcohol metabolizes differently for everyone, after all, so I can’t help but think “how drunk AM I in this story?”
I would argue about that very same plot device, but that’s just what it is: A plot device. It’s meant to advance the story into the desired theme… but again, with clop coming up, alcohol would play incredibly different roles depending on the individual. While I applaud your use of characters, I know I won’t be giving you any leeway when it comes to how the next scenes will be dealt with.
This is definitely not a story for a straight-edge protagonist, but I’ve already made it past the halfway mark, so it’s time to turn off the critical viewpoints, and just take the story slow.
5233734
I win
And agree which you there...
Hehehehe, this is going to end lovely like.
Nice job