A young man named Zach is a U.S. paratrooper during WWII. After a painful turn of events, he finds himself in a very strange land. HiE
This is my first fan fiction so reviews are desperately needed.
Chapters (3)
RodBottom
Joined 21st Dec, 2011 ·
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- thewookie1 · 51k words · 82 18 · 3.9k views
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Well, it was good for an introduction. Good grammer and all that. I hope that your normal chapters aren't this short, as I would love to see this ripe subject exploited. Overall, you deserve more views. I'm not going to review yet, I'll wait until the first chapter to do that.
Short prologues irk me. I always reccomend your first chapter -be it prologue or otherwise- should stand around at least 5,000 words long. As it were there's not enough to give a proper review. While the writing style is interesting, I can not give proper crticism yet.
In my opinion when writting a story always imagine the end, the start, and then write your story towards that end as you go. That's how I've been writting my story and it's been well received.
Until we meet again, das vadanya!
Thanks guys. I did not have much confidence starting so I decided to give a taste before releasing something more substantial. I have a few more revisions before I sent out the first chapter. Crushric I wish my first chapter was a bit longer but I seem to lack the ability to lengthen it to 5000 words. Hearing this makes me think if I should redo chapter one to make it longer. As always thanks for your reviews and I will try my best to take in your advice.
Until next time, RancidMuffin
The only things that bother me:
Lack of captalization on the chapter's title.
Operation Overload started on June 5, not January 5;
Besides that, a good prologue. Try to make a 2000 word long chapter next time. Tracking for good faith.
i will read first chapter for you when it comes out; but it looks like good grammer,
much better then my skills 
.
178600 you don't need to do 9000 word chapters, I barely see any of those unless it's a major plot point in the story. 1000-2000 is were it should be
Good enough. Seems interesting. I just agree with others on the "longer prologue" thing.
Ignoring grammar and such, you have an interesting story here. its a little different from the "Soldier in Equestria" genre since this is a paratrooper from WW2, not a modern soldier or space marine. Quick notes:
Longer intro
This guy fell 50ft in freefall. That could kill a person, so he better have some bad injuries.
Keep in mind that no form of MLP exists, nor advanced theories of dementional travel. Only Pinkie Pie gets to know that.
Most important: KEEP WRITING!
Hmm, this has good grammar and spelling and all that, and I like the concept, but I think I'll hold off on an in depth review and rating this until a couple more chapters come out.
+1 track in good faith
Good but on glaring problem, from one WWII expert.
OPERATION OVERLORD TOOK PLACE IN JUNE, NOT JANUARY!
That is all.
I have many things to address. First off, thank you all for your advice and reviews, that is what I was looking for. Okay the first issued that most presented was the shortness of the writing. This was intended to be short. This was testing the waters so to speak. I don’t think of myself as a very impressive writer so I wanted to see if I could mix well with the community.
Winter Storm, there is a reason that this time period was chosen. I wanted equestrian to be COMPLETLE alien. I also wanted human kind to be farther ahead than the citizens of equestrian, but not too much so that their heads would explode in awe.
Lorenzop I thank you for showing me that the date was wrong. I like to think of myself as a armature historian of WWII and the fact that I got that date wrong made me mad. But no matter, I will fix it thanks to your keen eye.
Zzzzzzzzzz23 if I can write a story than anybody can. I could easily say English is my worst and least favorite subject. I was a huge fan of the fan fictions of MLP. At one point I got sick and tired of the unrealistic crap (apart from the whole talking ponies, unicorns, pegasus, and inter dimensional travel) in HiE stories. I got so mad one day that I wrote a plotline of one that would be realistic along as many lines as possible. At one point you have to know that a burst from a machine gun is going to turn you into a pile of gore, not get slightly delayed.
I will update the next chapter in a week or two. BEWARE: the chapters will be around 1,500 words. I seem to lack the ability to have long drawn out chapters. I have seen many skilled writers do this before and wish I could do it as well as them. As the old saying goes “practice makes purfict.” And with that I say goodbye.
Thanks again, RancidMuffin
MOAR!
good so far, but did you really have to smash Scootaloo's face in?
Just look at her, she's such an angel. 
need more its cool
Twisting his leg to get a better look, he noticed a piece of metal sticking out. After examining the shard better, he determined that she should get it out.
Is it female or male?
you just need it re read it. there are a lot of misspelled words like cap instead os camp. just go back though
please dont hate me for the rateing.. i just am trying to be helpful
and sorry for so meny comments! 
just pre read it; fix all the words that the computer probable did, and yah that willmake a great story. 
not something i would have done; but it will make a great story. 
ill rate it as if there were no mistakes. 
looks interesting. what the hay, i'll track
I can't blame Zach. It's dark and a small creature comes to your side, sneaking and looking like a menace.I would hit it too...
But I hope Scoots is all right.
What will he do when scootaloo wakes up,
MOAR!
Do not take offense to the below review of your story.
First of all, It was very predictable, being placed in a pseudo-WWII setting only furthered the fact that I knew exactly what was going to happen before it did (I mean come on, it's WWII. We all know what happens). These sort of stories come out by the dozen's on this site and quite frankly they really bore me and other readers to death. I do like how you stylize your stories (nice short paragraphs, easy to read, no noticeable spelling or grammar mistakes) and that may be interesting for your average reader, but it doesn't even sway me or other hardcore reviewers or readers in the least bit. Do not let me bring you down, I am a very, very harsh critic, but you really need to change things up a bit. I feel like i'm reading a cheesy war novel, and I cannot see anything Pony related in it to consider it a fanfic.
Some helpful tips:
1.) Keep the style of your stories
2.) Try to captivate the reader (i.e. Unexpected death or maybe they were to be captured) something that makes the reader realize that the characters have sustenance and that they too have weaknesses like you and I.
3.) Add a little bit more detail in every sense.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You do know you can just put it on hold, right? The story isn't gonna sprout legs and run away if you don't cancel it
You can get back to writing when you feel like it. We'll be waiting all the same
ah man, thats a bummer.
a whole year? thats like...... a whole year
"best friend’s skull was smashed "
hope not dead ;.; moveing on to chap 3
Dear readers,
I am here to say reluctantly that this story will be canceled. I realize that very few people read my story but for the few followers who did stay with it, I want to apologies. Unfortunately I have a lot going on in my life now. Finals are around the corner, the move to Connecticut, and my dad going to be gone for four months for helicopter training. I am offering however, if anyone at all is interested in continuing or redoing it then PM me. I will do my best to fill said person in with some general ideas. Goodbye for a while and who knows, I might just come back next year.
Julian
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! I WAS REALLY STARTING TO LIKE THIS STORY AND I WANTED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPE, I HATE YOUR GUTS!
921716
won't hate me for long... :D
927645 Sooooo, that mean you'll continue?
YOU A-HOLE YOU!
comeon, I know life can be hard, but when it gives you lemons, return them, get your money back, and write a fanfic.
PLEASE?
I really liked this story.
5683437 It says it's on hiatus. Does this mean it's going again?
Please come back