Chapter 1: A Somber Sleepover
The sewing machine whirred as it stitched each notch of thread into the aqua blue gown. Rarity was concentrating hard on her work, so as not to mistakenly stitch the sleeve improperly and ruin her whole night's work. This dress was a very elaborate request from a pony in Vanhoover, and Rarity had stayed up late in order to get it done on time, so she did not get any sleep, making it harder to concentrate on her work. But, being the perfection-demanding pony that she is, she knew she would not be satisfied unless her work was faultless.
The sleeve was almost complete, and soon Rarity's hard work would finally be finished. "Almost there...just a little..bit..more..."
"You almost done??" Rarity jumped in fright, accidentally pulling her dress off the machine and ripping the sleeve on the sewing machine's needle. She fell to the floor, and the dress flopped over her head. She quickly pulled the dress off her head and looked at the sleeve, horrified at this disaster. She then angrily turned her attention towards Sweetie Belle, whom was hanging out at the boutique today, and was nosing around Rarity until she inadvertently caused this incident.
Sweetie Belle could see how angry Rarity was at her, and she smiled tensely. "Soooo...I guess you're not done, then?" she says, chuckling nervously.
Sweetie Belle stood where she was, looking quite disconsolate as Rarity paced back and forth in front of Sweetie Belle, haranguing her quite sternly.
"Sweetie Belle! I've been hard at work all night to get this dress perfect, and now I must begin again!"
"Well, why do you have to start over? Can't you just fix the sleeve?"
"Of course I could! But having exposed stitching will look absolutely dreadful! And that is not acceptable for the high standards of the Carousel Boutique!"
"Oh," Sweetie Belle replied nonchalantly.
"What's more, shouldn't you be in bed already? It is clearly far past your bedtime."
"But I'm not sleepy!" Sweetie protested. "And when I saw you still up, I thought we could do something together!"
Rarity sighed, both from Sweetie belle's bothersome ways and knowing that she was about to disappoint her sister.
"I'm sorry, Sweetie Belle, but I must finish this dress before tomorrow if I hope to convince my client to recommend my boutique to the other ponies in Vanhoover."
"Well, what am I supposed to do? And going to sleep isn't an option!"
Rarity was feeling the tiniest pangs of frustration from her sister's constant disruptions, so she had to think of some way for Sweetie Belle to be occupied so she could finish her work in peace.
"...why don't you play with Opal? I know you two never spend much time together," she said as she got out a new piece of fabric.
"Umm," Sweetie Belle responded, sounding unsure. "I think that's because Opal doesn't really like me."
"Well, if you two spend more time together, then I'm sure she'll get to love you the way she loves me," Rarity replied positively.
"Yeah, sure" Sweetie Belle said sarcastically. However, she knew that playing with Opal would still be better than having to go to bed, so Sweetie Belle went to go find Opal, hoping that this time will be different.
Sweetie Belle proceeded to leave Rarity's work room and traversed down the stairs to the front room of the boutique. As she walked to the center of the room, she saw Opalescence, whom was sleeping on the couch. Sweetie Belle then flipped on the light switch on the wall by the front door, turning on all the lights in the room. Opalescence was none too contented from Sweetie Belle's actions, as even though she still had her eyes closed, she looked quite irritated from the sudden exposure of luminosity disturbing her sound sleep.
As Sweetie belle walked up closer to the cat, she stopped, still containing feelings of reluctance in trying to befriend Opal. But, being the goodhearted little mare she was, Sweetie Belle felt that she had to give friendship a chance.
She walked up to Opal and waved at her. "Hi there, Opal!" she said in an affable manner. The goaded feline opened one of her eyes, looking at the smiling Sweetie Belle, and then she closed her eye again, ignoring the little filly. Sweetie Belle was a bit upset with Opal, but still she would not give up.
Sweetie Belle reached towards Opal with her hoof, in an attempt to pet the cat and get on her good side, but since this was Opal, it would not be so easy a task. Sensing something, Opal opened her eye a second time and saw Sweetie Belle's hoof drawing closer to her head. Opal did not like this one bit, and as a reaction, she stood up all fours, growling with her mouth closed. Sweetie Belle immediately stopped, retracting her hoof a bit, as Opal's actions were making her feel a bit uneasy. She started to doubt more that it was possible to befriend the surly feline, but with each letdown, Sweetie Belle grew more adamant in her aspiration for friendship with Opalescence.
"Hey, you don't have to growl at me, Opal. I just want us to be friends," she reached for Opal again, and it was this time that she had crossed the line with the cat. Opal started hissing as Sweetie's hoof drew closer, and just when she got within range, Opal swiped at Sweetie Belle with her claws, causing the filly to yelp as she bounds backwards in fright. Opal stared back at the frightened filly with her stern, unmoving eyes, showing the Sweetie Belle that she was not interested in Sweetie Belle's kindness.
After that fearsome display, Sweetie Belle finally felt that this was too much for her, and walked back up the stairs in defeat, turning off the light as she left. After she had gone, Opal laid herself back down on the couch, and dozed off to sleep once more.
Once back upstairs, Sweetie Belle headed to the guest room, where she was staying at, having elected that now felt like the right time to go to bed. She went inside, closing the door behind her. As she turned towards her bed, she yawned, admittedly feeling tired. The filly climbed into her bed and pulled the covers over as she lie down on her back. However, she did not shut her eyes, but instead stared up at the ceiling, as not all was at peace in her mind.
"Why?" she thought to herself. "Why can't Opal be more nice to me? Why can't I be friends with my sister's pet? All I want is a pet that can be a friend to me. One that will want to be my friend; one that will love me, so I can love them back..." she gave a sigh of dejectedness. "A pet should be a close friend; a loyal buddy that will enjoy being the pet of their loving owner, and will make their owner happy that the two of them are caring friends."
Sweetie Belle turned her head and looked out the window at the moon, yawning once more. She then turned onto her side, shutting her eyes as she began drifting off to sleep. But before she succumbed to her slumber, "I wish...yawn...I had a pet of my own..." the filly finally dozed off, hoping in her mind to have a perfect dream about her perfect pet.
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Good start so far.
Very good start and I see no grammar errors either. I recommend italicizing words for emphasis instead of underlining them though, as it makes it easier on the eyes.
2247009
Thanks~!
2247170
Thank you very much~
I know, and people say that, but I prefer to use an underline for certain words,a nd other words I will use italicize for. It looks better this way to me.
2247743 Whatever you prefer, you're the author.
2247766
Thanks for understanding.
can't wait for more
2248257
Awesome!
I enjoyed this story so far and am curious as to where this will go. A fun little character interaction. Overall I rather prefer for online writing to have it's paragraphs separated by a line, but that's just a style choice. I'll watch as this story progresses.
Cheers!
2252037
What exactly do you mean by that thing about paragraphs?
2252586 Oh here as an example:
You write a paragraph like this, and whatever. It continues on until the end of the line giving vivid descriptions and whatnot. But then eventually someone speaks up.
"Hiya," they say.
You look at them in surprise, then shake your head in dissappointment.
V.S.
You write a paragraph like this, and whatever. It continues on until the end of the line giving vivid descriptions and whatnot. But then eventually someone speaks up.
"Hiya," they say.
You look at them in surprise, then shake your head in dissappointment.
I like reading with more space between the paragraphs is all
2253286
Oh, I see.
Well, I think it looks better in my format. Sorry.
2253584
You may want to consider SilentBelle's feedback more carefully. Breaking up your paragraphs is more critical than indentation, and can easily get you more readers as well. I am actually one of those readers more strictly in line with double spacing, as are a number of other readers that come to this site. Your current style might work for some people, but you'll get more readers if you break up your paragraphs properly.
I might actually give 'The Magic of Reading' a shot if you do this, as it does have a good premise. I just don't read this style of writing though. Unfotunately, most readers actually do prefer the style of reading mentioned by this and previous posts. I hope to see that you can be as flexible as I think you can be, and bid you good luck, and good reading.
2253895
Why would spacing between the paragraphs make something better to read?
All that should matter is the story itself.
2254086
It actually is not the story itself that matters, but how the story is paced. Spacing actually helps with this a great deal, allowing the mind to focus yet stay relaxed. A relaxed mind is more easily influenced to keep reading. This in turn usually generates more interest, which turns into desire to read more. All of this working alongside a well-written plot generates more readers as people share their thoughts on stories with one another.
Even books have breaks in their paragraphs, as to let their contents sink into the readers' mind. I can immediately name some extremely popular books that use paragraph breaks to bring a better focus to the readers' minds, but I really shouldn't have to. It may be better for you to put aside your opinion and use a different approach. It might just get you featured, which will immediately give you more readers guaranteed.
2259276
Hmm, I see.
Huh, I can see possible potential in this idea, given that you clean up your paragraphs a little. There really is no need to repeatedly use the same word too frequently. I'm not saying you have bad writing skills, it's just that the more creatively you write and come up with better flow with sentence structure, it tends to increase your understanding and skill level towards literature. I've seen people improve quite well from the time they first posted a story to another time when they were starting to get more popular as writers. There's really no reason why you can't do the same.
Try using different techniques in your writing process, and seek feedback. If you listen to others' input instead of your own, you'll come to understand the finer points of what you need to accomplish. By doing so, you'll find better use of more words and start being able to identify where you need to set up a succinct use of foreshadowing to later events. This in turn will allow you to both surprise your readers and get them to want more.
Wow. I certainly have a few tips for you tonight, don't I?
2299974
Yeah, I guess you do.
2300625
Well, at least if they help you, popularity won't be too bad an issue. I can definitely see a possibility that you could end up being better than some of my favorite fanfic authors should you do things right.
2300692
Well, I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise that I can get better, since I'm not really that good at all.
2300704
Nonsense, everyone simply has different hurdles to pass. It's not that complicated when you really start paying attention to the wording and detail you put into writing. My comments for example: I try to be precise yet encouraging, but that isn't exactly easy.
Take my comments for example, and notice how they might differ in their projected opinions. In one particular comment I made to you, I was somewhat of a jerk. I essentially told you that you had to change your story because I just couldn't read it.
In the next comment I made to you, I said that most readers typically read various media that had a different form of paragraph spacing. While this is true for online articles and other related media, actual books tend to be more tight in their spacing as to reserve space for more words. In my haste to criticize your somewhat bland ability to write, I failed to cite any proof to back up my claims. In essence, I was being ignorant regardless of the fact that you learned something.
Only with my third comment made to you did things begin to be more encouraging. I finally made some real headway into being more influential before condescending, instead of the other way around. On the fourth comment, we see more patience and possibly even understanding. I'm not that accomplished as a writer yet (haven't written anything too long, even in school), but perhaps following my own guidelines will help me to see how to properly give criticism and inspiration to those who need it.
I'd like to apologize for my behavior when I first started giving you criticism, even if you have learned a thing or two. I was not as informed as I could have been, but that is no excuse. I hope to see a few good changes in the next chapter! Who knows, maybe with my help, you could get featured here on FiMfiction. Have a good day/night, buddy!
2304337
Well, I'll try, but since I don't know how to make my story not bad, I can't promise anything.
Looks good
