Sweetie Belle is feeling distraught over not having a pet of her own. But one day, she finds a porcupine in the woods, and he becomes her new pet. The two become great friends, enjoying every second they are together. However, things are not as perfect as they seem for the two, and Sweetie belle will learn a harsh reality of what comes when owning a pet.
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Good start so far.
Very good start and I see no grammar errors either. I recommend italicizing words for emphasis instead of underlining them though, as it makes it easier on the eyes.
2247009
Thanks~!
2247170
Thank you very much~
I know, and people say that, but I prefer to use an underline for certain words,a nd other words I will use italicize for. It looks better this way to me.
2247743 Whatever you prefer, you're the author.
2247766
Thanks for understanding.
can't wait for more
2248257
Awesome!
I enjoyed this story so far and am curious as to where this will go. A fun little character interaction. Overall I rather prefer for online writing to have it's paragraphs separated by a line, but that's just a style choice. I'll watch as this story progresses.
Cheers!
2252037
What exactly do you mean by that thing about paragraphs?
2252586 Oh here as an example:
You write a paragraph like this, and whatever. It continues on until the end of the line giving vivid descriptions and whatnot. But then eventually someone speaks up.
"Hiya," they say.
You look at them in surprise, then shake your head in dissappointment.
V.S.
You write a paragraph like this, and whatever. It continues on until the end of the line giving vivid descriptions and whatnot. But then eventually someone speaks up.
"Hiya," they say.
You look at them in surprise, then shake your head in dissappointment.
I like reading with more space between the paragraphs is all
2253286
Oh, I see.
Well, I think it looks better in my format. Sorry.
2253584
You may want to consider SilentBelle's feedback more carefully. Breaking up your paragraphs is more critical than indentation, and can easily get you more readers as well. I am actually one of those readers more strictly in line with double spacing, as are a number of other readers that come to this site. Your current style might work for some people, but you'll get more readers if you break up your paragraphs properly.
I might actually give 'The Magic of Reading' a shot if you do this, as it does have a good premise. I just don't read this style of writing though. Unfotunately, most readers actually do prefer the style of reading mentioned by this and previous posts. I hope to see that you can be as flexible as I think you can be, and bid you good luck, and good reading.
2253895
Why would spacing between the paragraphs make something better to read?
All that should matter is the story itself.
2254086
It actually is not the story itself that matters, but how the story is paced. Spacing actually helps with this a great deal, allowing the mind to focus yet stay relaxed. A relaxed mind is more easily influenced to keep reading. This in turn usually generates more interest, which turns into desire to read more. All of this working alongside a well-written plot generates more readers as people share their thoughts on stories with one another.
Even books have breaks in their paragraphs, as to let their contents sink into the readers' mind. I can immediately name some extremely popular books that use paragraph breaks to bring a better focus to the readers' minds, but I really shouldn't have to. It may be better for you to put aside your opinion and use a different approach. It might just get you featured, which will immediately give you more readers guaranteed.
2259276
Hmm, I see.
Huh, I can see possible potential in this idea, given that you clean up your paragraphs a little. There really is no need to repeatedly use the same word too frequently. I'm not saying you have bad writing skills, it's just that the more creatively you write and come up with better flow with sentence structure, it tends to increase your understanding and skill level towards literature. I've seen people improve quite well from the time they first posted a story to another time when they were starting to get more popular as writers. There's really no reason why you can't do the same.
Try using different techniques in your writing process, and seek feedback. If you listen to others' input instead of your own, you'll come to understand the finer points of what you need to accomplish. By doing so, you'll find better use of more words and start being able to identify where you need to set up a succinct use of foreshadowing to later events. This in turn will allow you to both surprise your readers and get them to want more.
Wow. I certainly have a few tips for you tonight, don't I?
2299974
Yeah, I guess you do.
2300625
Well, at least if they help you, popularity won't be too bad an issue. I can definitely see a possibility that you could end up being better than some of my favorite fanfic authors should you do things right.
2300692
Well, I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise that I can get better, since I'm not really that good at all.
2300704
Nonsense, everyone simply has different hurdles to pass. It's not that complicated when you really start paying attention to the wording and detail you put into writing. My comments for example: I try to be precise yet encouraging, but that isn't exactly easy.
Take my comments for example, and notice how they might differ in their projected opinions. In one particular comment I made to you, I was somewhat of a jerk. I essentially told you that you had to change your story because I just couldn't read it.
In the next comment I made to you, I said that most readers typically read various media that had a different form of paragraph spacing. While this is true for online articles and other related media, actual books tend to be more tight in their spacing as to reserve space for more words. In my haste to criticize your somewhat bland ability to write, I failed to cite any proof to back up my claims. In essence, I was being ignorant regardless of the fact that you learned something.
Only with my third comment made to you did things begin to be more encouraging. I finally made some real headway into being more influential before condescending, instead of the other way around. On the fourth comment, we see more patience and possibly even understanding. I'm not that accomplished as a writer yet (haven't written anything too long, even in school), but perhaps following my own guidelines will help me to see how to properly give criticism and inspiration to those who need it.
I'd like to apologize for my behavior when I first started giving you criticism, even if you have learned a thing or two. I was not as informed as I could have been, but that is no excuse. I hope to see a few good changes in the next chapter! Who knows, maybe with my help, you could get featured here on FiMfiction. Have a good day/night, buddy!
2304337
Well, I'll try, but since I don't know how to make my story not bad, I can't promise anything.
Offering some critique here. Feel free to ignore it if you want. No pressure.
Hmm, the second chapter could use a bit of a proofread. In particular: Semicolons. As a general rule, I'd suggest not using them in dialogue. Semicolons separate two main clauses (essentially two sentences) that are related to each other. And more to the point, the times where you used them should have been commas:
"So, sis; did you finish that dress yet?"
Replaced with period, isn't correct, as 'So, sis.' Isn't a full sentence.
"So, sis. Did you finish that dress yet?"
Replaced with a comma it is correct, and thus is not compatible as a semicolon.
"So, Sis, did you finish that dress yet?" (also 'sis', should be capitalized).
Same thing with this one:
“Then you’ll be awake and be able to make breakfast just fine; like me!”
Take a look at the other two semicolons as well.
Between these four semicolons and that large, heaping paragraph, which involved the interaction with the Porcupine, I found myself losing immersion in the story at many points. A big issue with the large paragraph is that it hops from Sweetie perspective to the animal's halfway through the paragraph.
I am still curious as to how this story will turn out
2409134
Hmm, I see.
2409217
2409134
I'm afraid both of you are incorrect in the usage of certain forms of literacy.
The first critique given should have pointed out that an ellipsis was needed in place of the semicolon. So, it should look like this:
______________________
The second semicolon is where there should have been a comma. So, it should look like this:
However, that sentence can be shortened, perhaps even a little more mature in its literacy, like this:
______________________
I found a few other errors in the chapter, though it wouldn't surprise me if I've stated these in a different comment. One such error was that of using the wrong 'tense'. Here's one such example:
Where Sweetie Belle should have proposed something, she instead proposes. This same error happens with Rarity, where she freezes, instead of froze.
There are other errors, but it's getting late. I'll think of more tomorrow.
2474996
Gee, thanks. I'll be eager to look forward to what else is wrong with my story.
2475186
Try not to get discouraged though. We are all looking forward to how the story is going to turn out. And hay, we all make mistake. Tons and tons of 'em. That is the best way to learn.
2475843
Well, thanks for still being interested in my story~
2475186
Okay, here goes nothing...
First, the whole perspective thing SilentBelle referred to in the massive paragraph does have merit. The best thing you can do is to break it up into two or more smaller paragraphs. The second bit of dialogue should start a new paragraph. You did this earlier in the chapter, so it shouldn't be a problem for you to understand and correct.
Don't worry too much over perspective, as this is written in third person. Things will often shift between different characters, but you should keep the swapping to a minimum.
Other than those points, there is the whole 'switching to a different scene' transition, which is used to skip a period of time so the story is caught up to recent events. You can use this to make the story go faster, and also to use less words in a chapter. I've seen multiple ways of doing this, though the most common is probably a cluster of stars (***).
I think that's all I can come up with, but I hope you learn more from experiencing the use of the techniques than form this list of notes. Stay frosty, and have a good time writing.
2479014
Hmm, I see.
2479493
You really need to stop saying that. Start asking questions, or try engaging in conversation. It'll help in both cases.
2479506
Well, I'm not sure what to say.
2481003
Try sitting down, and review what you know. If you can recognize what it is that you don't understand, you'll be able to identify what you need to learn. Try asking questions about those things. How do these things work? How might I use this to greater effect? Should I use this here, rather than there? What forms of use in writing can I bring this into my writing style? These are some things to ask yourself, but that's not all there is. Try coming up with more questions on your own, and apply these and yours together.
2483198
Okay.
Aww cute chapter, great work.
2558803
Thanks
Adorable.
Reminds me of how we ended up naming one of my dogs.
2559275
Thanks~
Oh? How was that?
2559557
We kept tossing names out untill the dog started to wag her tail.
And that's how she got named Pepper.
2559632
Awww, how nice~
somepony is going to accidentally sit on Lester huh?
2564767
Hmm, I never thought of that idea.
D'aww, can't help but want my own Lester. Great update.
2704773
Awww, thanks.
Looks good
100 bits say Spike will see this.
3186940
Thanks
3187006
You mean he'll see Sweetie Belle with Lester?
3187299 He had a baby phoenix.
3187429
Oh, I see now.