So It Begins
So It Begins
Samus Aran is the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunter. Where ever she goes evil runs in terror, attempting an impossible escape from justice. Now she is the one running. Just hours ago Samus defied commands of the Galactic Federation to leave the research station orbiting the planet SR388. Further more she used the research station to destroy the near by planet in an attempt to destroy the X parasite. Afterwards she fled the scene when she received a transmission from the Federation branding her a traitor. She had her gunship travel to the fringe of Federation controlled space as an attempt to escape the it’s wrath.
Everypony was gathered at the edge of the Everfree Forest to discover the source of the unusual trail of smoke coming from within. No pony could see the source of the smoke due to the heavy foliage. Of course fear of the forest crushed any thoughts of entering either. So the mayor contacted the Mane 6 to investigate. All of them agreed as usual except for Fluttershy but she was forced to anyways. After gathering up what they thought they needed just in case they had to travel deep into the Everfree Forest they set off. While on their trek the group conversed their thoughts on what could’ve cause this strange trail of smoke. “I hope it isn’t another sleeping dragon,” whispered Rainbow Dash fearfully.
“Naw, it can’t be,” replied Applejack,” If it was then we’d be hearin’ snorin’ and the ground would be shakin’.”
“I hope it’s not a forest fire,” spoke Fluttershy.
“That wouldn’t be likely,” said Twilight matter of facly,” if there was we would hear the crackle of burning wood or feel an extreme heat. Besides this is the Everfree Forest we’re in and I highly doubt that a magical forest would suffer the same effects as a normal one.”
“What if it was some mean meanie pants pony who did this as a prank,” asked Pinkie.
“I don’t think anypony has the guts to even set hoof in here much less start a fire for a prank in this place,” answered Rainbow, shooing away such a silly idea.
“Well I don’t care what it is as long as we get this over with so I can get out of this icky forest,” whined Rarity. [After writing this sentence Rarity glares at me for a moment. To her friends (Except Pinkie Pie) she looks like she’s staring angrily at an empty space.] Noticing her friends were giving her odd looks she hastily makes the excuse, “Sorry phased out a bit there.” (^_^”) Now ignoring what just happened the Mane 6 start walking again. Pinkie walks up to Rarity and whispers, “I knew you could see them too!” As soon as last word left her lips she trotted ahead to catch up with the rest of the group.
After exiting warp speed Samus found her gunship orbiting a blue, green planet. She searched her navigation center for any information on the planet and her location. The only info she found was that she wasn’t in Federation space. Plotting what to do next her on board computer gave her a suggestion. “Check the dark side of the planet. Any major population centers will glow brightly and it will be easier to slip into the atmosphere undetected.” Considered the plan and decided to give it a go. The dark side of the planet was...well... dark. This put Samus at ease. Knowing that this planet had no major cities or ports meant that she could easily hide here till things cooled down. The ship was ordered to land.
The descent proved to be tricky as there was some atmospheric anomoly. At the thought of this she flashed back to the planet Aether.
Samus received a contract from the Galactic Federation. Her objective was to investigate the disappearance of a squad of Federation troops near the planet Aether. She traveled to Aether and went planetside. During the bumpy descent in the atmosphere a discharge of lightning strikes her ship causing her to partially crash land. Unfortunately for Samus she was stuck here for the time being. That didn’t matter though. She had a contract to complete.
A slight jolt snapped her out the trance she was in. The on board computer alerted her to the damage to the starboard engine and it’s controls. Evidently what ever damaged the engine hit fried some of the circuitry controlling it too. With only half power pushing the gunship through the air gravity started to take hold. The on board computer informed Samus of the ship’s increasing descent. The computer predicted that a crash landing was inevitable but wouldn’t be deadly due to the the remaining engine. From the cockpit she could see a gloomy, evil forest coming straight at them. Samus braced her self for the on coming impact.
“I think it’s just over this hill,” exclaimed Twilight. “Steel yourselves girls, we have know idea what lies beyond this hill.” Slowly they climbed to the summit of the hill. They spoke naught a word to keep them hidden from what ever lay behind the hill. Now as the Mane 6 reached the summit they saw a spectacle in the likes of no other pony has seen, including the princesses. What lay before them was a mass of metal they have never seen before. Dripping from the metal was a substance no pony ever wanted to see.
Author’s Note
This my first fan fic ever so I will apologize profusely if this made your eyes bleed from spelling errors or just by how terribly it’s written. (I suck at writing honestly. I will not pay medical bills if your eyes do bleed, it was your choice to read.) Constructive criticism would be nice and no this is not a trollfic. Oh yeah I almost forgot! I didn't create, nor do I own the characters used in this in this fic. They belong to their respective owners.
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and so the fourth wall is completely gone in the first chapter...that was fast
You need to use the horizontal line and maybe use the [ENTER] button every time a character starts to speak.
[Wall of text]
[space]
[Characters speech followed by their description of actions.]
[space]
[Wall of text]
I've always wanted to see a Metroid crossover. I only hope you don't dissapoint!
For your first try, it's pretty readable
Criticism:
You need to begin a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.
I would ax the fourth wall joke. Unless Pinkie does it, it doesn't fit this type of story. Even then subtle breakage is better than overt.
Watch your verb tenses. You switch from past to present in the narration occasionally.
The font change is enough to let the readers realize it's a flashback. You don't need to state where it begins and ends.
Compliments:
I like the set up. It gives Samus a good reason both to find and stay in Equestria.
You did very well for a first attempt.
I would like to see where you go with this plot.
I'll withhold a rating for now, because I believe you have a lot of potential yet unseen, but I will track it. Good luck.
175102
I second that. It helps with the flow. Please edit this and your following chapters.
OH GOD.
You cannot into writing!
Let me fix that for you.
And that's not doing the tense-switching. Decide on whether to write it in past tense (The author is telling the reader about a story that already happened) or present tense (This is happening right now). I recommend past tense, just because it works better with third-person perspective (Samus' gunship crashed in the depths of the Everfree Forest, and Twilight and her friends decided to check it out.) and first-person perspective (I decided to go to the library. Turns out that was a good choice, because on the way there I was sucked into a plot hole and magically transported into Equestria) . Present tense tends to work better with second-person perspective ( You decide to go to the library. Reading books with Twilight is always a fun thing to do; especially those choose-your-own-adventure books. You absolutely love those.)
Once you decide on a tense, be sure to read your work over for consistency. Try not to have "Fluttershy cowered and hid behind a tree." happening at the same time as "Rainbow Dash rushs ahead to confront the mysterious orange alien"
THIS.
Okay, back to reading.
Axe the fourth wall breaking (Only Pinkie gets to do that)
Nope.avi.
Sentence fragment.
Samus considered the plan and decided to give it a go.
Regarding the flashback - Don't bold it. It's too obtrusive. Italics is good, and use a textual marker. Kkat used oOoOo in Fallout Equestria, other authors use linebreaks or ___________________ (Underscores)
If you use the line (Or dashes or equal signs), be sure to use the center tags. It's BBCode, so standard formatting applies. [center.] and [/center.]
Finally - Give your work multiple passes over the space of a few days. Write it out on your first pass, wait a bit to remove the rose-tinted glasses that everyone wears (Trust me, you wear them. I wore them when I wrote 'fic), smooth it over on the second pass (Look for tenses, spelling, improve the "flow", that sort of thing), then wait a while and give it a final pass. Ask yourself "Is this something I can be proud of?" If the answer is yes, publish it. Despite the people screaming MOAR MOAR MORE STUFF NOW, people still want to see quality stuff. Take the Cider episode for example - You can push out metric craploads of content, but if it's terrible people won't like it, and if you put a lot of effort and care into it, people will love it. It's just that people are generally impatient, and want their stuff NOW DAMMIT, not "When it's ready" or "Soon™"
Sidenote - Soon™ is your best friend. Learn to Soon™.
Sidenote Sidenote - Newfriends can't Soon™
So, Onward I go. This is not nearly bad enough to be a trollfic, but you have lots of room for improvement.
Finally, I'd like to plead with you to go back and edit your old chapters. If you're losing readers at chapter one because of bad writing and bad formatting, and chapter 12 is perfect, odds are that people are going to take one look at C1, say "I'm not reading 12 chapters of this" and close your book. That's bad.
I also hope you take this better than that other schmuck I spent 45 minutes writing a review for. Because he flipped the fuck out.
*Emotes should never enter your writing except in specific scenarios - Chatlogs and forum posts, and other internet-related things. If you wouldn't see it in a novel, essay or research paper, odds are it shouldn't be in fanfiction.
OH HEY FIMFIC SUPPORTS QUOTE TAGS NOW. I LOVE YOU KNIGHTY AND POULTRON.
After seeing the the fourth wall breaking shit I refuse to even touch this piece of garbage. Learn to write better, nobody gives a shit about your brackets saying useless shit. Definitely thumbing this crap down.