Attempting to beat down some writer's block and get back to FIMFiction. A Bronystate addiction (now beaten) didn't help much with the fight.
Samus Aran is on the run. The Federation has branded her a traitor. Now with only her gunship and recently aquired abilities she must escape. Her escape lead her to crash land in Equestria. Unknowingly she will distrupt all life of everypony there.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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and so the fourth wall is completely gone in the first chapter...that was fast
You need to use the horizontal line and maybe use the [ENTER] button every time a character starts to speak.
[Wall of text]
[space]
[Characters speech followed by their description of actions.]
[space]
[Wall of text]
I've always wanted to see a Metroid crossover. I only hope you don't dissapoint!
For your first try, it's pretty readable
Criticism:
You need to begin a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.
I would ax the fourth wall joke. Unless Pinkie does it, it doesn't fit this type of story. Even then subtle breakage is better than overt.
Watch your verb tenses. You switch from past to present in the narration occasionally.
The font change is enough to let the readers realize it's a flashback. You don't need to state where it begins and ends.
Compliments:
I like the set up. It gives Samus a good reason both to find and stay in Equestria.
You did very well for a first attempt.
I would like to see where you go with this plot.
I'll withhold a rating for now, because I believe you have a lot of potential yet unseen, but I will track it. Good luck.
Dat speed boost
Who put that Manticore in my Speed Boosting path?
Apologies for the massive amount of dialoge, lack of action,and probably a bad ending
I swear to Celestia, if the federation tries to blow up the planet, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!
and now to point out something obvious.
whats faster? speed booster or rainbow dash?
Hello, ready for more C&C?
Criticisms:
A lot of dialogue isn't bad, but if you go into back and forth it's best to identify the speakers occasionally so the reader doesn't get confused about who's saying what. A good way to do this (rather than just say 'Twilight said') is to describe expressions or body language.
For example:
"How did you defeat that manticore?" Twilight eyed the stranger. It was frightening, but it didn't seem to have the claws or fangs necessary.
"So that's what that thing was called. I, um... uh... I ran through it." Samus said, frowning as she remembered the unpleasant sensation.
Other than that just try to add a little more detail to the scene. You know, set the stage a bit.
Compliments:
You have vastly improved. This chapter is very good.
I like the way you switch POV's.
The dialogue is very entertaining, "By destroying planets."
There ya go. Glad to see I was right about your ability. This fic is shaping up awesomely.
Chapter 4 First!
195332 Fixed
and Thx bro
dude this is... 200% cooler but why is samus this friendly:
?
195527 well, let's see... ponies didn't try to attack her, and she's kinda on the run from the galactic federation. might as well not piss off any more groups into trying to murder her.
I think people are using the "20% cooler" bit a lil to much in these stories...
*sees a emoticon in the story at the end*...Well thats a first.
......you really need to work on this. On top of that, the whole bottom of the story is in italics.
Rainbow Dash, you have no idea what she is capable of! She killed a giant half dinosaur half brain monster!
Rainbow Dash: *laughs head off*
Me: *groan* She killed a ghost-like entity that inhabited a huge spider like shell!
Rainbow Dash: *starts coughing from too much laughing*
Me: Be quiet! She fights a... forget it, your just going to think it's ridiculous. Do you know about Pterodactyl's?
Rainbow Dash: I did learn about dinosaurs a bit, why?
Me: One of her enemies is a giant Pterodactyl like creature called Ridly.
Rainbow Dash: *continues laughing*
Me:
I knew this was going to happen...
Lyra is crazy and d'aw at the same time!
A-a-a-a-awesomesauce! This is just awesome, keep it up! TRACK!
.....Wasnt she...In the air.....Whuuu......Blaaaaaa......Huhhh.....My mind.....Is....
211578 It's Pinkie Pie. You just can't stop that pony.
211604
So very true.
211578 When you're friends with
, you find that the laws of physics tend to be broken. ALOT.
175102
I second that. It helps with the flow. Please edit this and your following chapters.
Wait. Could you please clarify on how big Samus is compared to the ponies? How tall is she compared to them?
228865 Copied and pasted the text for it from the comments.
First
I wished this was longer...and not so many italics.
The Old Bird reference was sweet by the way.
Second. You seem to have a slight italic format problem.
Italic kinda broke.
wow.. when i looked at the comments i expected that there would be comments on the italic.. i didn't expect the comments to be in italic though so i'm just going with the flow
234851>>234862>>235178>>235667 It has been fixed. For some strange reason I always
with italics
235813 I also noticed that with my own comments...weird.
235869 I have no problems with italicized comments. Honestly, I thought it was a good humored joke.
I enjoy and support this. Now I need to go to bed.
One question though, why is Samus a homicidal maniac? Yea, I know her back story, but honestly I don't see her as the type who would constantly enjoy blowing up planets. I would figure her more as the try and forget type. Doesn't matter, your story and its pretty good, so yea. I'm tracking. good night.
(Also, is this story based literally JUST after Metroid fusion? Or is the sr388 reference from metroid 2? I guess that's a stupid question, you didn't drop a space station on the planet in the second one.)
237677 Forgive and forget what she lost? Sweet, Cupcakes-in-Norfair vengance is the only way with Zebes destruction as a side effect. And Yes, the story takes place directly after Fusion. This is kinda my way of unofficially continuing the series...with ponies!
237866 No I didn't forget what she lost, It just strikes me as odd that she has a psychotic tweak every time she thinks about killing Ridley (She does that a lot...) But again, that may just be me. Pretty cool that your continuing from fusion, you gonna have any of the other bounty hunters find her? Or just federation? Because I would love to see Rundas talking to Luna. That would be fantastic. ((I like Rundas, and Luna is best pony!
))
238617 I see. I should probably tune the insanity down a notch and use a sweeter bit of the Metroid story. After all, Samus can't be a psychotic all time. As for Rundas... Sadly he won't be joining Samus in the wonderful land of Equestria. We all saw what happens when you fail the dark hunter. On another topic, did you get the Old Bird reference?
239105 The chozo, yea, I got it. Someone else pointed out the "Lol" of it though, so I figured you understood. Good story though, I plan on following you, and if you need me to point out mistakes or places where it seems to break the flow just ask. I happen to be a very fast reader.
Still sucks that ridley got to her parent both times though. You would think he had something better to do...
cheezburger.com/View/5867858176
I was hoping the image would work as a response. But yeah I'm giving it consideration.
YES! I DIDN'T DERP THE ITALICS!
>>>PonyofTacos Ya nice chapter and Gilda
.
241692 kill all griffins there bitches wherever you go make samus rip her godamn wings off
241692 SUCCESS!!!
241872 That seems needlessly cruel.
I find it very ironic that as soon as i finish reading this story on my iPod it decides that out of all 980 songs loaded it just has to play the title music from MP2:Echoes...
Good job on the story.
Also WE MEET AGAIN SA-X!
Am I the only one who wants a Metroid guitar after seeing my avatar?
you my good sir, have just combined my two obsessions and put them into a story.....I.....LOVE.....U!!! Thumbs Up and TRACKING