- Member Since 29th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 10th, 2012
lunarshinobi
I, I enjoy writing grimdark fics. That's, that's pretty much it.
lunarshinobi
Joined 29th Jan, 2012 ·
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171540
^^ Wow, thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it.
I like the overall premise. Truly disturbing. The overabundance of commas and you messing up the famous quote TWICE killed it for me, though.
"Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the. Worst. Possible! THING!"
On another note, it looks like somepony's been reading Goebbels.
171587
Thank you Blitz, I knew the quote was off but I couldn't recall the exact thing.
I changed The first one to match exactly, the second one I kept the slight variation to keep the mocking tone to Rarity's voice. The commas were there to slow down the reader, as it wouldn't have the same strength if someone read through it so quickly.
I have no idea what Goebbels is... Wait, let me google that.
Joseph Goebbels? The Nazi propogandist? or do I need to do more googling?
The story itself was fine, but I wish you would of had more detail! She was crimson red,splattered in blood, so describe the gore the smashing causes. Blood flying a teeth. Slamming into odd place gums! 2 stars... I also feel that you should have played with idea a tiny bit more.
I think this should be rated teen not mature.
2 for the idea and non for description.
I also really don't mean to be rude I'm just giving my honest opinion.
180183
I accept your opinion, but disagree. Rarity is not a dirty pony, gore everywhere doesn't fit her. She also wasn't crimson red with blood, a few spare specks got on her. As I said before, she's not a dirty pony, she's not getting her hooves all up in it. She hardly touches him if she can help it. It's staying in mature though, mass amounts of gore or no. Thank you for your time.
(Although in your next critique, I suggest you leave the last part out. It's not a good idea to say "I'm not trying to be rude" because that gives the impression that it is rude, even though it wasn't. I also suggest you do so more coherently. Between "...causes." and "...2 stars", I'm not quite sure what your sentence is saying)