The Black Bird

There have been a string of disgusting deaths in Ponyville. With this eerie looking bird showing up at every crime location. With the crimes taking place on the same day at the exact same time. Such evidence convinces Twilight that Necromancy or Dark Magic is at work here.

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Comments ( 4 )

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Sagacity

Sagacity #1 · Feb 26th, 2013 · 6 · ·

or will it lead to there own deaths?

Downvote for elementary mistakes.

Thorlol

Thorlol #2 · Feb 26th, 2013 · 3 · ·

thinking about stuff

Downvote for your super precise description.

Pick-Six

Pick-Six #3 · Feb 26th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Well, alrighty then.

Hello, I have some critique that I hope will help you with both writing this story, and writing in general. Here we go.

First, your title/synopsis: I don't really see anything wrong with the title of your story. It's short and sweet. I cannot say the same for your synopsis, though.

Your description of the story gives away too much, in my opinion. There is nothing in the chapter that you've posted that I couldn't get out of the synopsis. The bird, the killings, the research, meeting the pony... that is literally the first chapter. Your description should give readers a glimpse of what's to come, or a general idea of the story's direction. I feel like the synopsis that you wrote just gives away the whole shebang.

As for the technical side of the summary... well, there are a lot of mistakes. It seems that instead of run-on sentences, which is a common mistake, you've gone the opposite direction and broken up sentences too frequently. The first three sentences (two of which are incomplete) can be condensed into one sentence, if done right.

There have been a string of disgusting deaths in Ponyville. With this eerie looking bird showing up at every crime location. With the crimes taking place on the same day at the exact same time.

(Now, I'm going to assume that you mean the murders happen on the same day of the week, at the same time of day each time, rather than they all happen simultaneously. If I'm wrong, then I apologize.)

A series of grisly deaths in Ponyville are connected, both by the time of death and the appearance of a mysterious bird at each crime scene.

It's not perfect, but it gets the idea across. As Sagacity pointed out, there is also a mixup of "there" and "their" in the last sentence. Also, it should be a comma after "killings" rather than a question mark.

Second, your spelling/grammar/formatting: This is where I think your writing suffers the most. From the look of it, English is not your first language. That's fine, but the mistakes in all three of these categories can be easily avoided with the help of a proofreader. You may find help in that regard here or here.

Your formatting isn't all that bad, actually. You have at least tried to break up paragraphs properly, which is more than I can say for some of the other stories I've read here. I will suggest indenting each paragraph, and remember that when it comes to dialogue, seperate speakers will always get seperate lines. conversely, things like this:

Twilight was a little uneasy,
“How do you know my name?”

can be consolidated into single lines.

Twilight was a little uneasy. "How do you know my name?"

It can be tricky from time to time, but practice makes perfect.

In terms of grammar and spelling, both need work. I notice that while you misspelled a few words (such as "assistance,") for the most part you used words that sound correct when speaking them, but aren't the correct word for what you're trying to convey. Those are homophones. They suck.

Although this genuinely made me laugh in its unintentional hilarity:

Cheese was possibly the nicest pony she ever meat

That was awesome.

Third, The story/characters: Okay, so the premise is somewhat interesting, if a little overdone. Mysterious deaths, symbolic animal, and so forth. Still, even if a premise is overdone, it can still grab a reader's attention if the characters are engaging, the world is immersive, and the dialogue and action are snappy and well-written. At the moment, this has none of those things. First off, you have to decide if you want this to be comedic or serious. There's nothing wrong with including small humorous moments in a serious story; they can relieve tension and deepen relationships between characters. However, there are points in this story that just feel like forced attempts to get a laugh. I won't site examples, because I think that they're fairly obvious.

We know absolutely nothing of the world that this takes place in. I guess that we should just assume that this is normal, everyday Ponyville until suddenly dead things happen. you want to flesh out your world more; show us the general demeanor of the townsfolk. Is the town on edge? are they unaware of what's going on? Surely the deaths of several of Celestia's subjects has caused some stir in the general populace.

The characters feel sloppy and halfhearted, as well as out of character. Rather than send Twilight a letter, or make a personal appearance, Celestia decides to send a lone royal guard to the library? wat. Twilight's reaction to the news of the deaths, and demeanor in general, are hilariously deadpan. That would work in your favor if this were a comedy, or a parody. Instead, it feels contrived.

The action and dialogue are flat and one dimensional. She goes there. He says that. They feel this. Don't tell us, show us. add description to the encounters, add facial expressions to different emotions that they feel. Things like that will build your world and characters so that they become engaging and entertaining to read.

In conclusion, I would suggest hanging this one up for a re-write when you can find some help in the proofreading/editing department. Good luck, man. Hope this helps!

Thunder Quill