The Black Bird

by PolarBearMan

Chapter 1: "something isn't right"

Twilight was sitting at a table in the Ponyville library thinking about stuff when a guard from Canterlot walked in,

--
“Are you Twilight Sparkle?” he asked the purple unicorn, “Yes that’s me” she said. Twilight was a little nervous, normally when guards from Canterlot came it was usually bad news,

“Celestia needs your assentence restoring the peace here in Ponyville” he then told her,

“What’s going on?” She asked the Stallion,

“There have been a string of deaths in the area. Decomposed bodies, reports of shrieking and gore. All random events that left little evidence and no witnesses.”

Twilight was shocked, “

Oh gosh, could this be a serial killer?”

“Not likely, but possibly, the wired thing is that at every single crime scene, there has been this black bird. At first we thought it was just a freaky coincidence, but when we kept seeing it at every single crime scene, we began to think it had something to do with the murders.”

Twilight was a little uneasy,

“What did the bird look like?” She asked,

“It was a big bird, all black feathers, blood red eyes…Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.”

Twilight was stumped, out of all the books she had read about the birds around Ponyville, she didn’t remember a bird like that,

“odd” she said,

“This isn’t odd Ms. Sparkle! This, is a mystery.” The guard said before leaving,

“Time to do a little research” Twilight said before going to a large book entitled Everything you ever wanted to know about Black Birds but never bothered to research.

--

Twilight was stumped, she read the book front to back, even the acknowledgements page, and couldn’t find anything about a “Large black bird with blood red eyes,” But what she did find about the murders shocked her, they all happened on a Friday night, at 6:16 AM,

“Spike, this is kind of scary about those murders” she said into the room. Spike replied,

--

“So?” Twilight assertively replied,

“So?! Spike, to have something like this happen, with so much precision, it has to mean only one thing…Magic, Dark Magic, Necromancy, must be at work here!”

Twilight then went to the bookshelf, and tore off all the books about Necromancy and Dark Magic and began to sift through them, to no avail,

“Spike, I can’t find any Necromancy spell involving black birds of our description. So, we have no choice, I’m going to the Starswield the Bearded section at the Canterlot Archives. If it doesn’t have what we’re looking for, were screwed and possibly doomed.” Twilight said. She then bought the first train ticket to Canterlot and left for the Archives.

When she got there, she went to the Dark Magic/Necromancy section (or what was like it) In Equestrian Society, Necromancy and anything related to it was seen as a taboo kind of magic due to its association towards Disharmony and Chaos. But Princess Celestia still preserved the ancient texts related to it, even she knew that learning from the past, often meant learning from tragic and horrific things such as Necromancy. Twilight went through all the Black Bird related spells, couldn’t find anything,

“IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT BLACK BIRDS WITH RED EYES IN THIS JOINT?!” she shouted in frustration. Suddenly, she saw a figure emerge from the shadows, He was a Unicorn, he looked old and frail, but still able to get around by himself, he had a long white beard and dark green eyes, he was holding a walking stick as well,

--

“Miss. I hate to tell you but this is a library, and you must keep your voice down so others may enjoy their reading in peace,” He said with a smile,

“Oh yeah I know, I work in the library in Ponyville believe me I hate it when that happens,” The old pony then said,

“Ponyville Library eh? You must be Twilight Sparkle,” He said.

Twilight was a little uneasy,

“How do you know my name?” she asked the man smiled and said,

“Why, everyone in the Equestrian magic community knows of you, and your five brave and loyal friends,”
Twilight blushed a little, she didn’t know she was that famous,

“So, what brings you to the archives?”

the man asked,

“Oh, nothing, it’s just there have recently been a string of deaths in Ponyville, and I think that Necromancy might have something to do with it. I looked through what my library had on the subject and it didn’t have anything about it. So I figured the Archives would have something on it, but apparently they don’t. You look like a Sorcerer yourself, can you help me out?”

The man looked at her and said,

“Well, I don’t know much about Necromancy, but I know a lot on the subject as I was a magic teacher here in Canterlot many, many years ago. I think I can help you out. My names Chebow Stumbleduct, you can call me Cheese,” he said with a smile.

Twilight was thrilled she finally found someone who could help her out.

Cheese was possibly the nicest pony she ever meat, he was like her in many ways. He lived in a cottage similar to Ambrin and Fluttershy’s one. He enjoyed nature and liked to Hunt. It was almost like they were connected somehow. Both of them sat down in his office to discuss what kind of magic is behind the Ponyville Murders,

“So, what does this bird look like?” Cheese asked,

“The cop didn’t give me much info, but he said it is all black with blood red eyes,” Twilight replied,

“Is it at every crime scene?” He asked her again

“Yes” she said. Cheese got a book about Necromancy spells that involve birds; he looked for a bird fitting that description, what he found shocked him.

“What is it?” Twilight asked him. Cheese looked at her and said,

“You got some pretty dark magic going on there in Ponyville sister, what you mares and stallions have is a Demonic Black Eagle!”

Twilight was shocked, she had never heard of such a thing before,

“What’s a Black Eagle?” she asked. Cheese jokingly threw everything off his desk and said,

“Why, tis only ze most powerful bird in all of Necromantic history!” He then pulled up a image of the creature out of a book,

“These guys are nasty little bogglers, they normally reach the size of a small blimp, but given time, they can grow up to be the size of the biggest Airship on record! But such a length is almost impossible in our time”

he said. Twilight was still a little lost,

“Who do you think would do this, and how do we stop it?” she said. Cheese got his walking stick and walked to the door,

“Come, lets walk in my garden, I think more clearly when I’m outside in nature”

Comments

[Sagacity]

or will it lead to there own deaths?

Downvote for elementary mistakes.

[Thorlol]

thinking about stuff

Downvote for your super precise description.

[Pick-Six]

Well, alrighty then.

Hello, I have some critique that I hope will help you with both writing this story, and writing in general. Here we go.

First, your title/synopsis: I don't really see anything wrong with the title of your story. It's short and sweet. I cannot say the same for your synopsis, though.

Your description of the story gives away too much, in my opinion. There is nothing in the chapter that you've posted that I couldn't get out of the synopsis. The bird, the killings, the research, meeting the pony... that is literally the first chapter. Your description should give readers a glimpse of what's to come, or a general idea of the story's direction. I feel like the synopsis that you wrote just gives away the whole shebang.

As for the technical side of the summary... well, there are a lot of mistakes. It seems that instead of run-on sentences, which is a common mistake, you've gone the opposite direction and broken up sentences too frequently. The first three sentences (two of which are incomplete) can be condensed into one sentence, if done right.

There have been a string of disgusting deaths in Ponyville. With this eerie looking bird showing up at every crime location. With the crimes taking place on the same day at the exact same time.

(Now, I'm going to assume that you mean the murders happen on the same day of the week, at the same time of day each time, rather than they all happen simultaneously. If I'm wrong, then I apologize.)

A series of grisly deaths in Ponyville are connected, both by the time of death and the appearance of a mysterious bird at each crime scene.

It's not perfect, but it gets the idea across. As Sagacity pointed out, there is also a mixup of "there" and "their" in the last sentence. Also, it should be a comma after "killings" rather than a question mark.

Second, your spelling/grammar/formatting: This is where I think your writing suffers the most. From the look of it, English is not your first language. That's fine, but the mistakes in all three of these categories can be easily avoided with the help of a proofreader. You may find help in that regard here or here.

Your formatting isn't all that bad, actually. You have at least tried to break up paragraphs properly, which is more than I can say for some of the other stories I've read here. I will suggest indenting each paragraph, and remember that when it comes to dialogue, seperate speakers will always get seperate lines. conversely, things like this:

Twilight was a little uneasy,

“How do you know my name?”

can be consolidated into single lines.

Twilight was a little uneasy. "How do you know my name?"

It can be tricky from time to time, but practice makes perfect.

In terms of grammar and spelling, both need work. I notice that while you misspelled a few words (such as "assistance,") for the most part you used words that sound correct when speaking them, but aren't the correct word for what you're trying to convey. Those are homophones. They suck.

Although this genuinely made me laugh in its unintentional hilarity:

Cheese was possibly the nicest pony she ever meat

That was awesome.

Third, The story/characters: Okay, so the premise is somewhat interesting, if a little overdone. Mysterious deaths, symbolic animal, and so forth. Still, even if a premise is overdone, it can still grab a reader's attention if the characters are engaging, the world is immersive, and the dialogue and action are snappy and well-written. At the moment, this has none of those things. First off, you have to decide if you want this to be comedic or serious. There's nothing wrong with including small humorous moments in a serious story; they can relieve tension and deepen relationships between characters. However, there are points in this story that just feel like forced attempts to get a laugh. I won't site examples, because I think that they're fairly obvious.

We know absolutely nothing of the world that this takes place in. I guess that we should just assume that this is normal, everyday Ponyville until suddenly dead things happen. you want to flesh out your world more; show us the general demeanor of the townsfolk. Is the town on edge? are they unaware of what's going on? Surely the deaths of several of Celestia's subjects has caused some stir in the general populace.

The characters feel sloppy and halfhearted, as well as out of character. Rather than send Twilight a letter, or make a personal appearance, Celestia decides to send a lone royal guard to the library? wat. Twilight's reaction to the news of the deaths, and demeanor in general, are hilariously deadpan. That would work in your favor if this were a comedy, or a parody. Instead, it feels contrived.

The action and dialogue are flat and one dimensional. She goes there. He says that. They feel this. Don't tell us, show us. add description to the encounters, add facial expressions to different emotions that they feel. Things like that will build your world and characters so that they become engaging and entertaining to read.

In conclusion, I would suggest hanging this one up for a re-write when you can find some help in the proofreading/editing department. Good luck, man. Hope this helps!

[Thunder Quill]

Have an upvote, just cause I feel like it.