Friendship is Macho

by Getting Crunk is My Job

Chapter V - Tylenol: Macho Strength

For a period of two days, the Macho Man and Rainbow Dash had been traveling with the Flim-Flam brothers without incident, but it was abundantly clear that there was a shared tension among all involved parties; Flim and Flam were sizing up Dash, believing she might be a problem, and Rainbow Dash knew for certain that the brothers were up to no good. As for Randy, the Macho Man refused to trust anyone, his mind addled by onset Macho Madness and his own characteristically paranoid exuberance.

The party had come to settle in a small clearing in the woodlands around Canterlot, only a temporary measure whilst the guard was surely investigating. Rainbow Dash and Macho Man had been tasked by the brothers to gather kindling for a fire while they took care of their own business; at least as far as Dash could tell with the occasional look at the campsite, they didn't appear particularly busy. In fact, most of the time they just 'chewed their gums' or 'chewed the cud'. They had claimed to have 'executive experience', just a fancy way of saying that they weren't going to get their hoofs dirty. Dash was certain that they were snakes in the grass, very lazy snakes, but they hadn't done anything nefarious unless one considers 'sloth' to be a damnable offense.

"Oh yeah," the Macho Man tore a strip of bark from an old, hunched over tree,"this ought to enkindle the flames of Macho Madness!"

Randy was always talking about 'Macho Madness', but Dash hadn't been able to comprehend what the hay it was. "What the buck is Macho Madness anyhow? Is that your tagline or something?" She understood that he was the Macho Man and all, but she didn't go around referring to every little thing as 'Dash Dementia' or something dumb like that.

"You wouldn't be able to comprehend it...yeah...takes a special mind to be able to perceive the call of the Madness. I AM the Macho Man Randy Savage, and my mind IS VERY SPECIAL, OOH YEAH! The brain is the biggest muscle of all-"

Rainbow Dash wasn't a doctor but somehow that didn't sound right...

"-and the Macho Man is particularly well-endowed, yeah..." The Macho Man rubbed his temples in an almost sensual manner; it was a disturbing sight. He gave Dash a stiff thumbs up. "Keep eating your Wheaties, kid. Maybe one day you'll be as macho as me."

Celestia, she hoped not.

"Hey! What do you mean it takes a 'special mind'?! Is that what you've taken to calling your soft head, because you aren't exactly Reinstein either buddy?!"

"SOFT HEAD?! The Macho Man Randy Savage is renowned for his hard head; my psychiatrist always tells me I have the hardest head she's ever seen. She also said I'm OCD: One Cool Dude, YEAH! I wasn't calling you stupid, you just aren't attuned to nature like the Macho Man, because I am a force of Nature, yep, and-"

As Randy droned on about how cool he was, Rainbow Dash hastily grabbed a bundle of sticks, inspired by the Macho Man's ramblings to finish up quickly; she had gathered what they needed to stoke a fire for a week in ten seconds flat. "Alright, I think we can go back now..." Rainbow Dash had lost sight of the Macho Man and he was nowhere to be found. "Uh, Macho Man?...Randy?" She dropped a mouthful of sticks and bounded off into the forest after Randy.

The brush could be a dangerous place. It certainly wasn't the Everfree Forest, but even in a forest this close to the capitol, it wouldn't be far fetched to run into any host of nasty, supernatural creatures; the guards did their part, but sometimes a cockatrice or a satyr slipped managed to avoid their patrols. Randy might become a glorified lawn ornament or fall under some creature's thrall if Rainbow Dash didn't make haste in finding him.

---

Randy's temples were pounding with a pain so sharp that he could nary focus. Like a compass, his mind had suddenly compelled him to stumble deeper into the forest and, try as he might, he couldn't resist the beckoning of the wilds. He braced his arm against his face, running headlong through branches and skirting around obtrusive stumps as if he had some kind of agenda. He was a Macho Man on a mission, but where the hell was he headed?

In the clearing where they ad set up camp it had been sunny and warm, but as he headed deeper into the forest it became noticeably colder and the skies took a more ominous tone. A haze ascended from the boggy ground and the trees were increasingly clustered. Dark clouds brooded overhead and the singing of birds had been replaced with only the rhythmic clomping of Randy's boots as they met the yielding forest floor.

The Macho Man's steady pace slowed to a crawl as he crept towards a cluster of sizable rocks embedded in a clearing in the marsh. Curled up on top of the rock was an intimidating looking creature, wild-eyed and snaggletoothed with a brown coat and a black mane. He appeared to be sunbathing; he wasn't going to be a bronzed god anytime soon under these cloudy skies. As Randy approached the thing, its eyes shifted in its sockets to meet the Macho Man's gaze. The creatures sulking demeanor seemed to lighten visibly as a wry smile crept across its face. Flicking the air with a forked tongue, the creature spoke:

"Ooooooh, Hello there...Who might you be?" The creature's back arched, and his head raised itself wearily from the stone he was lounging on. As he scanned over the Macho Man, the thing's eyes widened with surprise. "Oh my! I'm starstruck, simply dazzled! YOU must be none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage. I'm a huge fan of your stage presence; you practically froth at the mouth like a mad dog! Very, very nice to meet you."

The Macho Man struck a dynamic pose for the creature; his reputation preceded him, even in a different universe. "Always nice to meet a Macho-maniac, yeah..." He extended his hand to the creature who reciprocated his gesture by gripping his hand with scaly talons.

"What brings you out to this little Podunk of a 'world', or my swamp even? I wouldn't expect a wrestling superstar to have much business plucking about out here in the sticks." The creature stroked its wispy, white goatee as it stared at Randy with its wild gaze, scarcely believing he was the subject of a visit from the greatest intercontinental heavyweight champion to ever live.

"I don't know what brought me here, yeah! I was just gathering some firewood when my legs started moving by their own accord, and well, here I am..." His head was still pounding violently for reasons he could not fathom.

The creature smirked. "That sounds deliciously chaotic," the thing said, "So, you heard the call of nature? I never imagined you as the outdoorsman type, not to leg you as a prima-donna or anything. Well, this is certainly a treat then; it's almost like faith that you are here."

"My head feels like I just got elbow dropped from the top rope..." Randy pressed his hand against his forehead as if it might somehow deaden the pain. Something didn't feel right; it was lie he had overdosed on Macho Madness and was now suffering the consequences of his excess. "I'm just going to rest here for a while..." The Macho Man collapsed onto his butt and propped hisself up against a great rock.

"Of course," the creature flicked its tongue fiendishly, "take all the time in the world. Mi casa es tu casa, Macho Hombre."

Macho Man's eyelids flitted tiredly. It was as if his tremendous headache had drained his body of all its power; all he wanted to do was lay down for a very long time. He closed his eyes and let his seat sink into the deep mud, his form shrinking against the imposing boulder. Tired, he drifted to sleep as the lazy creature splayed out above him resolved to do the same thing.

---

Rainbow Dash flew low above the trees scanning the thickets for any sign of the Macho Man. The weather had taken an ominous turn, the sun obscured under a blanket of clouds and the ground covered under a thick, rolling fog. It would make locating the Macho Man all the harder. Dash didn't feel any sincere connection to the hairless ape but she didn't want to have to drag the Macho Man's corpse out of the bog; he was probably really heavy for one thing.

As she hovered over the forest, the weather became increasingly inhospitable. Increasingly unnatural. A violent downdraft nearly sent her spiraling towards the forest floor; her face would have been caked in mud by now if she wasn't the most competent flier in Cloudsdale. The wind whipped at her again, forcing her to alight in a hazy
clearing. There was a ring of boulders arranged in the middle of the glade, almost like a throne, and she could almost swear she saw some serpentine-like creature slinking away at the sight of her with a vicious whipping of its tale.

She hovered over to the arrangement and investigated around its base. She didn't find the creature but she did find the big guy slumped against the rock. "Hey! Did you sneak out here so you didn't have to carry your load of the firewood?! I can't believe that you're out her napping, making me look for you and everything!"

The Macho Man slouched forward and removed his shades. His headache had subsided but he could hardly calm his mind as trivial things filled his head. Even to muster the mental clarity to move was difficult. He managed to pull hisself to his knees with a great deal of effort.

Dash rolled her eyes and tossed a foreleg around the Macho Man's neck. "Come on, big guy. I know I interrupted your nap and all but we need to get back to camp. I'll carry your load of sticks back to the fire pit, don't worry about it." The Macho Man looked totally zoned out, but Rainbow Dash reckoned she'd look just as crappy if she feel asleep in the mud. With the support of Dash, the Macho Man took slow, lumbering baby steps towards the direction of the campsite. His sensibilities returned as he furthered hisself from the swamp and he felt his usual self by the time he arrived back in camp. He had no explanation for what the heck had happened to him in the swamp, but he chalked it up to Macho Madness. It's always Macho Madness.

Comments

[Getting Crunk is My Job]

2163032

Thank you very much for your feedback! I'm extremely pleased to hear that you have enjoyed my story thus far.

[Sparkler]

'stars truck' -> starstruck

'He
extended' -> 'He extended'

'infirm forest floor' -> infirm does not mean not-firm; it means sickly or frail of health

[Getting Crunk is My Job]

2174390

Ha! How embarrassing. Thanks for the heads up. I'll make sure to fix those errors when I have a moment. Thanks for reading!

I've gone back and amended all the issues pointed out. Thanks again!