Lightning_Twister
Joined 25th Nov, 2012 ·
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Short, lack of descriptions and overall not interesting :/
Chapters=/=Pages
25.media.tumblr.com/fbe6a5fb7a56f669f6995965c99dacba/tumblr_mhijvh1eNj1rwej9io10_400.gif
You do realize that there are sometimes twenty pages in a chapter, and you're supposed to do 'chapters' not 'pages'. Unless you're ImplodingColon you should have at least, bare minimum, and even this is pretty skimpy, one thousand and fifty words a chapter.
2136309
Well aren't you a nice chap...
2136440 Being nice isn't a priority.
Just as a note, I haven't read the story, but saying "pls gaiz dis is mi first story pls don't be meen ;A;" Makes the story look unprofessional and makes people dislike it.
2136478
I'm not saying don't be mean, i'm saying that I don't find it that amazing either now that i've read it a few times over...
Hewwo! Guess what time of the day it is!
A review by Mr. Ignorable
Chapter 1
Cool story bro.
I can't even
Except for, you know, THE FUCKING QUEEN.
OH JOY. A SELF INSERT.
So let me get this straight, the changelings that so CLEARLY LOOK LIKE BUGS, are actually normal ponies who develop into Changelings?.....
t6ak.roblox.com/96e9d7fe014d8ab662dc7a22499de259
Because that makes sense.
AND SUDDENLY, CHANGELING...SOMEHOW.
EWW, CHANGELING SPLOOGE.
Because fuck you. That's why.
The short and speedy beginning to a terrible story.
Chapter 2
BECAUSE THEY'RE IN A LIBRARY, ASSHOLE.
Because the Author.
Because what took a unicorn BORN TO BE THE ELEMENT OF MAGIC, years to accomplish, this unicorn can do it in a matter of hours. Yeah, real smooth writing there author.
Excuse me while I check off "super strength" in the my Mary Sue checklist.
Chapter 3
Equestriacraft: Now canon.
......
My mind basically shut down at that point.
Chapter 4
Yup.
HOLY SHIT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.
~~~~
I'm sorry, that was one of the more unpleasantly pointless things I've read on this site. You basically inserted yourself into Equestria, was a normal pony with friends, and was the daughter of Queen Spy of the Green Team. There was no build up, no heartache, no sense of betrayal, and nothing to keep ANYONE reading this story interested.
Next time, eat a salad.
2136527
Ouch...I mean damn that's a bit harsh...ya know not everyone can write masterpieces myself included...(I couldn't dream of perfection...but that doesn't mean I don't like my own stories, my first chapters need a lot of work but when you work two jobs, and have a 16 hour course schedule it's hard to prioritize and writing is on the back burner..) Many new writers do, "self insert" because that's what people think about...and every writer weaves themselves into their work..That is what makes each piece unique. The fact that the writer has put themselves into that situation in their mind in order to craft the story. It's just that some people are able to cover it up better than others. Now...
Regidar and Mr. Ignorable,
Why go out of your way to act like that...I mean a simple, "Not a very good story, needs work and blah blah blah" would have sufficed with the needed information. I didn't even write the story and I felt offended. As some of the more recognized people on this website you should lead by example...not absolutely blow up on someone just because of they way they wrote a story like a six year old throwing a temper tantrum because mommy took your lolly pop..This obviously wasn't a troll fic so why treat it as such...this harshness and the unnecessary actions taken, are what is killing this fandom, member by member. Your words carry a lot more meaning and can seriously affect a writer. Criticism is and should always be welcome as it is how all writers have improved since the beginning of all writing.. However negativity and going out of your way to verbally abuse someone on the internet like this is below the level of an eighth grader playing Call of Duty saying, "Awh sh*t son, I just f*cked your mom and your sister!! LoolOLlOlOOllololllllooooo...."
Lightning_Twister,
It's a tough crowd to please nowadays so keep up, and brony on.
Unfortunately your story does lack in certain areas, the chapters are short indeed but one way around that is to combine all of the chapters into one piece and make it a one chapter deal thats around 2-4000 words, (which mind you I have seen on this forum a lot) Also there are tons of people out there willing to help you with proofreading, ideas, organization and such. Just gotta ask around, people are always offering up services on other stories, go check em out, and send them a private message requesting some help, most people who do it a lot are more than willing to help. Please don't get discouraged by a few guys that grenaded on ya alright.
/)
I know. It will make them write better. Your argument is invalid.
How? How is reviewing a story thoroughly and providing many examples of where the story fails the same as the example you provided? Saying to the author something like, "UR STORY SUKS FAG GET OUT OF TEH FANDOM NOOB," would probably be like doing that on COD. But, of course, the only way you could win this argument is through strawman.
This isn't a website where we kiss an author's ass. If you want to be an author, that's fine, but don't expect us, the readers, to praise and worship every story that comes out here. Writing is deceptively a very difficult artistic medium (like everything else), and it comes through learning from mistakes, not empty praise, that you become a better writer.
2136945
Thanks man, you are the first one to not say "BLAH BLAH BLAH DIS IS SHIT"
2137028
All's I'm saying is that harassment is no way to critique someone...I agree with you that writing is difficult, however I'll be damned if I support someone who is blatantly harassing another writer. On a troll-fic I can understand, however this was an honest and first attempt at a story and the way It was critiqued I do not agree with...take baby steps in critiquing and point someone in the right direction, do not throw em on the fire right out of the gate. It's like getting your first job, you make a few mistakes the first day but you don't fired for it nor does your manager chew your ass out..you get pulled aside, showed how it's done and go on. And I believe the same principle should be applied here. A simple, "Meh, not all that interesting, lacked plot, character development, length, ect, ect, ect" is much more appropriate than, "Cool story bro." and, "BECAUSE THEY'RE IN A LIBRARY, ASSHOLE." and so fourth.
2137087>>2136945
You want help? Here
2137806
That was surprisingly not what I expected...
2136455 Don't mind him Regi. You're still the only Regidar here in Fimfiction that we came to love.
2139080
2139106 I love you man.
No homo.
2139119 All of the homo.
OK, my first piece of advice for you is to slow... down...
The story was moving so quickly that I had virtually no idea what was going on. The characters were introduced at lightning speed, and I still for the life of me don't know who was who or what any of them did. I get it. You've got a story in your head and you want it down on paper. But if you don't take more time to flesh out the characters/environments/actions/emotions, that story that you have in your head isn't going to transition to the readers.
The idea that changelings start out as normal ponies could work. After all, we know very little about changelings from the show itself so there's a fair amount that you can bend to your whim. However, this information was pretty much just laid out on a platter.
From what I've read, I'm guessing that changelings capture ponies and turn them into changelings, so why not have a prologue with this happening from the pony's point of view? You could use any made-up pony and have them go about their daily routine, or perhaps have them walk down a dark alley on the way back from their lover's home, or whatever. Then, suddenly, changelings go after him, eventually taking him back to their lair. Could the changelings use a disguise to lure him there? It would make sense. And instead of flat out saying that he's now a changeling, have him wake up to find that he's changed, then end the prologue. It's just a thought.
Also, give us more information on your characters, but without simply slapping on a few paragraphs that tell us about them. Show them acting out their characteristics as part of a daily routine, or have them bickering amongst friends or whatever. An 'information dump' as it's called will do no good unless we have a reason to actually be interested in this character in the first place.
Finally, you don't need to separate dialogue and information on who is speaking. It should be:
"What was that for?" asked Shift.
(And NOT)
"What was that for?"
Asked Swift.
I hope that I've helped.
2139080
*Her
Congratulations on posting your first story! Many don't ever have the guts to show others their creations. While this story is rough, it has serious potential. Maybe consider this a first published draft.
Well I love the idea but the description needs work. Hondarider92's combining and getting a proof reader ideas were good, as was ficta_scriptor's review. I will also say I am with you and Honda when it comes to being too harsh on comments. Give him feedback, but there's no need to swear or use negativity in your comments while doing so. Also, if you're going to say this is your first fanfic, I would say it in the authors notes. Just what I would do. Don't let people discourage you, it takes a lot of practice as it took me years to even start to get complimented on mine in just English class. Overall don't give up, I'm sure you can do it.
Dear author,
If even you find this bad, would you just delete the fucking fic, thank you.
it not bad but not good ether
A creeper?........ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT'S FUN