Spike is in love with Pinkie Pie and has been with her for a month, but what is he to do when his mind and heart start to slowly drift towards a certain purple unicorn who only wants to be loved by him and to give him her heart?
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And things get shittier and shittier. Good lord!
2174926 Oh she will be back...trust me, I like her to
2178733 I'm seriously very honored that you would take the time to look over my story my friend, I really hope you enjoy it
2178009 No words can be more true, some serious drawback is going to happen in the next chapter. And I'm very, very glad you enjoyed the romantic clop, might add another one in later chapters, not sure if it will be with Twi or not....I have a friend who may be able to help you with that, though I'm not sure why you would want such a picture even though it's very romantic
2179266 That.....is something I'm not sure of
2179393 Right Fail for Spike huh? Though I'm not sure if that is good for the fans, thoughts?
Well, next chapter is going to suck for Spike. He was already hated by everyone but four of the Mane 6 (for no reason that I've been able to discern other than the fact you decided to write him as a completely OoC dickface) and now he's lost Pinkie.
Problem is, once the others find out, he'll lose them too. Fluttershy will forgive him again, it's her nature, but AJ's the Element of Honesty, and what he did was bad. He'll likely not get her friendship back again, so now all of the Apples will hate him. And when Twilight finds out what he said to Pinkie after what they did, even though she knew it was a one time thing, it will still hurt her.
On top of that, Twilight's going to lose friends, and possibly the Elements of Harmony will no longer be able to work after this. Dash probably won't speak to her again, after all, this may be Spikes fault, but Twilight knew he was with Pinkie and went with it anyway, hurting her beyond belief. Pinkie is Dash's best friend, she's not going to forgive Twilight for this. Pinkie will hate her too, for obvious reasons. AJ will probably have a similar mindset as Dash, seeing the mistress as just as bad as the adulterer.
Now I just have to hope that you don't have Pinkie fall so far she offs herself. I can see how that would be something she'd do, even in the context of the actual show (honestly I think you've characterised Pinkie the best in this story compared to the other ponies), and this will break her. I don't want to see my favourite pony die, but I'd understand if the story required it. She really is the most likely of the six to go that far, but I'm pretty sure she'd only do so after raging and hating for months and finally not being able to go on anymore.
The writing in this has improved exponentially. I'm really glad to see what this has become after what Chapter One was. It's still not anything that I would change my initial thumb down after chapter one for (especially with how OoC ponies are being), but it's improving in most aspects and is looking far more promising than it was.
2179648 The way I see it, I never made a remark over Spike in particular being OoC. Is he? Completely. But think for a second. Not only is this set several years into the future, so he's matured greatly--as well as numerous characters on this, so some are going to change, even if it's not quite as huge--but he's a dragon. Dragons are temperamental bastards that are commonly stubborn and just plain rude; we saw him like that in "Secrets of My Excess." Now, this is just like that only he doesn't grow and he isn't really all that greedy. I saw this as a different yet plausible side for him and remain completely on Inferno's side when he created this side of Spike; because it could very much be how he would be at this age.
One thing I'd like to point out, though:
Rarity is at an understandable position for that. Rainbow Dash is just a somepony who knew that went too far and doesn't mind taking Rarity's side since she knew Spike bucked up on that. As for the others, well, we know why most of them would still be at Spike's side, even both of theirs, though Applejack, I'll never quite know why. Oh, well.
Well, now, he'll have every right reason to lose his friends for the fuck up he made. I can see that despite your thumbs down, you are growing interested. If there are any points you can specifically make out about the characters that are OOC, let us know. As his editor, well, I do the best I can, and thanks to past pointers from numerous other occasions, I'm glad to see someone noting not only advancement in Inferno's great writing, but my editing. But I can keep note of anything you say for future chapters about characters--possibly, just depending on how I see it in my perspective.
And Inferno, please. Give me all you've got! This is getting awesomely intense!
2179776
I get that he's a dragon, and all the dragons we've seen in the show have been massive dicks. Hell, if this were any other dragon I'd probably congratulate him on his portrayal. But this is Spike, sweet, lovable, only one of his kind to be raised by ponies Spike. Hell, he was raised by Twilight, one of the nicest, most naive unicorns in the world, so I see him being so out of character simply because I can't see him turning out this way considering the environment and influences he grew up with.
He's gonna hurt in the next few chapters, that's for sure.
I was always interested in the story, the premise was a new take. I did say in the first chapter that the execution was severely lacking and he'd failed to sell me on it, but I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and wait to see what they can bring. The second chapter didn't wow me, but I'm happy I stuck around to see the third, the dramatic increase in quality is likely to see me stick with this till it's done. Whether or not it changes my opinion of like or dislike remains to be seen though. I usually read/watch anything with a plot that doesn't stagnate and keeps things moving, whether I enjoy it or not.
EDIT: Huh, just had a thought on something else too.
Spike has always seemed (to me at least) like the kind of person who would keep a journal for their thoughts. So it would probably be filled with his feelings for Rarity, followed by how he feels about Pinkie (though no record of that one time he thought about Twilight, after all it's a book, she might read it). He'd probably have written down his plan to save up money so he could buy a ring and ask Pinkie to marry him.
Now, this is how I see the next day going.
Pinkie, straight haired and sad, asks for the day off. The Cakes, worried because they know she needs the extra shifts to pay for her Granny Pies kidney and because of her appearance, give her the day off but ask Dash to talk to her when she pops by for something to eat. Dash talks to Pinkie, asking what's wrong. Pinkie, crying, only manages to get out 'Spike' between sobs, and before she can say more, Dash is off to the library to yell at him.
Dash gets to the door, which is answered by Twilight. Now, since Dash doesn't know about Twilights involvement with this, she simply asks if Spike is there, which he's probably not. When Twilight asks why, Dash tells her that Pinkie is distraught over something and Twilight, realising that Spike must have told her and that's where he went to the night previous, asks Dash to get Pinkie to come round to talk. She probably wants to try and patch things up and apologise for what happened. Twilight is naive enough that I could see her thinking this could be swept under the rug.
Pinkie comes over, but instead of talking, she's simply scathing. She goes to Spikes room to get any things of hers that might be there (seeing as Spike is out, this is the best time to do so) and sees his journal while she's there. Deciding to find out how long the thing between Twilight and Spike has been going on for, or at least how long Spike has wanted to screw Twilight, she reads it. She finds no mention of feelings for Twilight in the journal, only how he loves Pinkie. Then she gets to his plan of asking her to marry him. This convinces her that Spike was telling the truth, that it was an accident and meant nothing, but also that Twilight obviously seduced him away from her. Now, to her, while Spike is hardly blameless, she could conceivably forgive him. But Twilight is now enemy number one. This results in a massive fight between the two (don't know how it should be broken up, but I'm pretty sure Spike shouldn't be involved just yet, they'd ask him to choose between them, and doing that this early would shorten the story too much). Later, Spike returns to find Twilight beat up and finds out Pinkie did it. But he can't go to talk to Pinkie because she told him to stay away from Sugarcube Corner and he knows how fragile her mindset must be right now.
Meanwhile, whoever broke up the fight (let's go with Dash), has found out why Pinkie assaulted Twilight, and the others now know. If Pinkie was being especially malicious, she'd make sure to mention that she knows Spike doesn't think of Twilight that way and that Twilight must have used a spell of some kind on him. This causes outrage and fighting among the six.
This will go on for a while, eventually Pinkie and Spike might even patch things up and get back together. Twilight would then reveal she's pregnant with Spikes magically induced babies and all hell breaks loose again.
That's just what I'd expect the next day (or few) to be like though, considering this chapter makes any speculation of mine from last chapter irrelevant.
With any luck, this story will end with a great ending.
Great- Not happy.
The greatest endings are sometimes the saddest or messed up.
i wub dis nao gimme moar chapters pls kkthxbai
2179406
Firstly, the comment about getting a image made was a bit of a joke. I wasn't actually looking for someone to make an image of that scene; I was just deeply moved emotionally by what you wrote in Chapter 3 between Twilight and Spike. It brought a couple of tears to my eyes . The visual images were more than enough.
Now to comment about my thoughts for Chapter 4.
Like I stated before, I loved the scene from the previous chapter. I knew that based on the infidelity, there was gonna be a very messy breakup between Pinkie and Spike. I just kinda wanted for Spike to see more of his story and his thoughts, instead of just taking the whole "I bucked one of your best friends--I can't see you ever again, it's OVER, GET OUT!!!!" setting. This just asked my mind for Pinkie to confront Twilight. Sure, Pinkie is gonna be heartbroken, but I also think that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
With that said, even though Spike has admitted that he truly loves Pinkie, he has to sleep in the sticky, smelly bed that he made in it. I would hope that even though it's apparently over, it's not completely extinguished. The heart knows that Spikes wants Pinkie, and in a convoluted way, Pinkie wants Spike. And maybe, just maybe, the break up can be mended.
Also, nice to see that there is still a few equines that will still give him the time of day, mainly Dinky. The conversation with her is cathartic for what Spike needed to know. I'm glad that they are still friends, and that some bridges were mended.
I understand that there is a "SAD" tag on this story, and based on what has happened, things aren't gonna look good for anypony. But I'm still wanting for a somewhat happy ending. I know that a "sunshine and lollipops" conclusion is naive and pointless. But I just don't want for things to end where someone decide to partake a permanent solution to an ultimately temporary problem.
With the way things are going Twilight is gonna be on everyone's shit list too.
Well, despite the characters being somewhat ooc and the numerous weird word choices throughout the story, something compels me to follow it and find out what happens next. Maybe it's my fondness for Spike&Twilight stories in general, or perhaps it's the prospect of hell breaking loose when the fact that Twi is pregnant with his reptilian assistant's child goes public... or maybe it's both.
Anyway, here's another five-pointed golden star for you
Liking it so far. This is probably yer best one yet, aside from death belle.
2185807 Thanks bro, and I forgot abut that story....I should update that aftr this one-shot I'm workingon and this story Thanks for reminding me, though one of my prsonal favorites is Sucide Letters
2180743 BYTHE GODS You honestly have no idea how much of an honor it is for me for you to reivew one of my stories, I have heard much about you and wanted to say thank you, thank you so very much...I swear I'll do all I can to makes this as decent as an ending as I can
2184361 OOC I can understand with it being AU, though I'm confused on what you mean by the word choice, my editor tries the best she can and none of it is her fault so it must be mine My bad. Still very glad you choice to stay around for more though, dark would you not agree And Spike/Twilight is my favorite pairing in the entire series, love it will all my heart and that shall never change.
2185863
Er... Are you confusing me with Aegis Shield? I don't think other bronies talk about me.
In any case, your story deserves the praise it gets.
2185863
I'm going to show you an example of a "weird word choice" by analysing one of the sentences from your reply to my previous post. Namely this one:
Firstly, "choice" is a noun or an adjective in the right context, and you have used it as though it were a verb; you should have used "chose" instead.
Secondly, --I don't know what grammatical rules decide that, but I'm pretty sure of it-- you don't need both "still" and "though" in a simple sentence like this, it's somewhat redundant. Choose one of them!
Finally, the "dark would you not agree" part seems heavily out of context to me. It's as if you ripped it out from some other sentence and forcefully merged it with this one or forgot to write a few words in-between the segments.
So in the end I would change this sentence to something along those lines:
The errors in the story aren't that drastic from what I remember, though