Long before Nightmare Moon, ponies had much to fear from the night. Ever since the beginning of time, the threat of vampiric beings has been all too real. Thousands upon thousands have fallen to the will of the Dread Lord, the greatest and eldest evil. And thousands more would have fallen, were it not for Luna and her hunters. She herself chose them, the ponies who fought for her and the night, to free it from that evil. They laid down their lives in the hope that one day, the night might be safe for ponies once more.
This is all that remains of her last hunter's legacy.
Shout out to Ghostwriter95 for his awesome proofreading and moral support.
Chapters (8)
Very interesting read so far. Normally I would shy away from the OC-gets-adopted-by-Luna type fic, but the Van Helsing angle makes it work. Would you mind if I offered a few observations on chapter 3?
"The only thing keeping me from being detected was my training, my natural talent, and Luna’s magic." - those are three things, and it would be more applicable to use "only thing" if it was something like sheer luck, the enemy being drunk, or something else outside of the control of the character. Your character is trained, talented and is being backed up by the second most powerful being in Equestria. The phrase is supposed to convey a sense of desperation, but I am getting the strong impression at this point in the story that the vampony is toast.
"razer like" should be razor-like, or possibly razor-sharp. Since Snips is a barber I think it is safe to say that ponies have razors.
"As it stood, the blood red eyes of my prey had just come to rest on me. He made no sign of recognition, though." I am unclear if you are mixing references to the vampony as an "it" and a "he" or if you are using the past tense of "as it stands."
So far, very good. Some decent puns, enough to lighten things but not so far over the top as to detract from the atmosphere.
Whoa. Last chapter there was the threat of an imminent attack but there's time for a between-chapters romance and wedding? I'd go back and remove the immediate threat before starting this chapter. It would also help character development to take a break from the action and give them a little time for some romance and slice of live, even if only a short chapter, or the second half of a chapter before this one, after they dispose of the immediate threat from chapter 4. However, the master vampire being an alicorn is very exciting!
What motivation did Insidious have for letting Shade get away? He could easily have killed him. I would think that even if he had some plot in mind, that Shade and Luna would be asking the same question.
2261734 I do have reasons for him to let him live, but revealing some of them would be very spoiler-laden. The most I can say is two reasons:
1: Insidious is cocky, and after millennia of doing the same thing over and over to the hunters, he decided to mix things up a little. Plus, he doesn't think that letting Shade live will have any repercussions that would adversely affect him. To him, Shade was just another hunter, albeit a little special. Insidious would advance his plan, and Shade would die. It was how his life worked.
2: He wasn't confident in the abilities of the Canterlot healers, and thought that they would not have been able to save Shade after he cut open the wounds. This one isn't as valid, but still applies, as Shade does lose a ton of blood. That alone could have easily killed him.
There are more, but as I said, I can't reveal them yet. And as to Luna and Shade wondering why... I hadn't thought of that initially, but they have a lot more urgent matters to worry about then why Insidious decided to show mercy for once. I'll probably implement that later, though.
I hope this helps. It'll hopefully get clearer as time goes on.
Hi there!
I'm somewhat nervous around multi-chaptered stories with so few views and ratings, but this is certainly well-written.
If I may give my feedback regarding your introduction to this character:
His tone is somewhat inconsistent. At times conversational when he seems to have written this as a formal warning and instruction manual. To embark on such an endeavour, he must have been considering the words he'd place in the book for a long time, so his little deviations from the introduction of the problem to things about himself are kind of strange and distracting from his message. I think this should be much more matter-of-fact and pointed. His words should be chosen carefully in order to make the best of keeping the attention of any reader.
If you ever wanted to re-write, I could give you some tips on specific parts in order to tighten things up and make it a stronger opening, but I don't know how invested you are in that kind of thing.
So, story? I like it. Vamponies from long ago. Nice. I think perhaps tying it in with the defeat of Nightmare Moon may have been a mistake, as if you're trying to one-up the canonical supervillain of the times with your own OC bad guy. I don't know if that was your intention or not, but making a "bigger bad than the big bad" tends to not go down well with critical readers.
Um ... I don't think I have anything more to add after the first chapter. I'm intrigued as to where you're taking it, and if this is going to be entirely the book, half-book, half-life or if it's someone in the present reading this book and dealing with the consequences in their life. (Don't tell me, I'll find out soon)
Have you ever thought of re-writing your description to try to entice more readers? I've changed mine three or four times because as time as passed, I've found it inadequate for whatever reason.
Well, that's the end of my essay for now. Tell me if I've been helpful or not. If you want something more from me, mention it and I'll try to comment on as many things as I can.
2290488 Thanks for the input. Sometimes things like these elude me to a point where I wanted to scream at myself for being so blind.
With the main character's tone, early on in his life, he isn't really planning on writing the book. Later in his life, as he ages and feels his life ebbing away, he realizes that the threat of the vamponies isn't over, and that the only two beings that really did anything about it were either about to die, or on the moon. As I hope to convey in the chapters to come, his tone becomes much more serious, even to the point of being cruel or harsh, because of the magnitude of what he is facing. But I understand your concerns. Trust me, I've re-read this thing a few times, and there are still things that jump out and make me wonder what I was thinking at the time. I may do a re-write later, but I'm actually focusing on some other projects - and the next chapter - so that's at the back of my mind right now.
As for the OC villain one-upping Nightmare Moon, well... sadly, it's really not that hard to one-up Nightmare Moon. The only villain in the show canon with less shown power than her is Sombra (who, in my opinion, got gyped big time). However, it was never my intention to one-up her with Insidious. Actually, as I hope to convey later, he is completely reliant on her for his survival. I mean, he is a vampony, so when the sun is your biggest threat, you kinda have to rely on the thing controlling the moon. But one of my goals with him was actually to tie in something that I saw in the show and thought "Huh... that's interesting". In "Luna Eclipsed", Luna thanks Twilight for banishing the dark powers within her. That statement made me think that Nightmare Moon could have been more than just Luna going all "Life's not fair, I'm gonna go be evil now" on Celestia, but that there was something else at work, something darker. I wanted a reason for her saying that, so I worked in not only a leader behind the vamponies, but a real threat to Equestria. I mean, when has a show villain posed a real threat like the one I need here, other than Chrysalis?
It's a work in progress. And as to changing the description... I'm probably gonna have to do that. I make Shade sound way more OP than I had intended. Beginner's mistake.
But I really do appreciate the opinions. It's always better to get other's opinions on something than to simply rely on your own intuition. Plus, I'm always extremely nervous about posting the next chapter of this, so it's nice to not only have constructive criticism, but to have someone tell me that, for what it's worth, they didn't think it was that bad.
And as to the ending? I'm throwing science at the wall to see what sticks with that. What I have planned could be hit or miss.
2422780 That's a new one, but cool! Glad to hear it!